Wow, my firstest fanfic evar. I don't own any of this stuff. I am not even sure I spelled the name of the ship, Peacemillion, correctly. Rx1? 4x3? Snakes x Shenlong? Foul language, for sure. Crack. AU. Fusion. OOC. Is that enough warnings?

Snakes on a Gundam

In the kitchen of the great spaceship Peacemillion were five fifteen-year-old boys, each with differing heights and attitudes, but every single one of them achingly and desirably luscious and hot. One with a waist-long braid sat at a table facing one with an unusually large hair bang, which was combed over one eye. Between the two was a chessboard. The other three boys stood by the table in order to watch the long-awaited rematch, until a fourth non-sitting teenager sped into the kitchen at five times the speed of sound with a shrieking wail you didn't need a sixth sense to… sense.

"Snakes! Muthafukkin' snakes! We got to get these muthafukkin' snakes off the muthafukkin' Peacemillion!"

All five boys turned to face the sandy-haired girl, annoyance painstakingly masked from their faces.

"What now, Relena," asked the braided boy in a flat tone.

"Muthafukkin' snakes, Duo you fukka! They're fukkin' everywhere!"

The shorthaired blond boy looked around the kitchen. "Sorry, Miss Relena, but I don't see any here."

"Muthafukkin' Quatre! They are all over the muthafukkin' hallway! They are all over the muthafukkin' bridge! They are probably all over your muthafukkin' Gundams!"

The five boys suddenly stiffened. Quatre turned to the large-banged boy. "Trowa. I'm scared. My Sandrock…" He let out a sob. Trowa patted Quatre's shoulder and offered a moment of sympathy and a word of advice.

"…"

"Yeah, thanks Trowa. Miss Relena usually does spout nonsense just for a little attention"

"Heero!" Relena broke the moment with her banshee-like screeching. She firmly placed herself in front of the boy with the attractively tousled brown hair. She also ignored the look of death he was giving her. He looked like that every time at me, and only at me, so it must mean something special, a special look just for me, a look of love, blah, blah, blah went the "logic train" of Relena's inner thoughts.

Heero gave Relena's shoulder a slight push. "Hn?"

"Oh yeah. You've got to go put a stop to these muthafukkin' snakes! Get to it!"

Duo rolled his eyes, then surreptitiously pressed a button on his watch, causing the alarm to sound. "Oh, listen! Looks like we've got a mission. We better get going."

The other four pilots quickly nodded assent, barely hiding their relief at getting away from the recently foul mouthed Princess of the World. As a group, the boys headed for the doorway, when they heard a hiss. As a group, they looked down and saw… a snake. What a twist!

"My Sandrock! He really could be infested with snakes! Noooooooo!"

The five pilots rushed to the hangar where their mobile suits were being kept, guns ablaze as they precisely blew the head of each snake they passed to pieces, using their mad leet Gundam pilot skills and guns. Once at the hangar, they stopped dead in their tracks at the sight they saw.

The Chinese pilot screamed in outrage. "INJUSTICE!" Dozens of snakes were crawling all over the Shenlong Gundam, his Gundam, while the other four mobile suits were untouched. "Why only my precious Nataku? Injustice!"

Duo folded his arms and nodded sagely. "You know, Wufei, it's probably because of Shenlong's arms, how they can come out and be all slithery like a snake. They're doing some kind of familial bonding or something."

Wufei cast Duo a withering glare, which quickly smoothed out as he reached into a pocket in his voluminous white pants and pulled out a remote control. A series of buttons were pressed, which caused Nataku's arms to come out of the shoulders (slithering much like a snake!), point the "hands" to its own body, and shoot fire onto itself. The air filled with the stench of burning snakes. The other pilots stared at the heartless, yet necessary, destruction. Once satisfied, Wufei put away the remote control, calmly stating, "Justice."

"Too bad we can't do that throughout Peacemillion," said Quatre as he clutched at his chest, his Space Heart feeling the deaths of dozens of snakes. "Gundanium can stand up to that kind of torture… I mean, uh, cleansing, but Peacemillion isn't made of Gundanium."

Trowa noticed that a half-burnt snake had somehow managed to crawl towards the group of pilots. It looked to be on its last legs as it stared at the unibanged pilot pitifully. "Ssssssss," said Trowa.

"Sss…sss…sss," said the snake.

"Ssssssssss?"

"Sssss."

"Ssssssssssssssssss?"

"Ss. Ss. Ssss…. S…." The snake expired.

Trowa turned to face his teammates, and told them, "Ssssss ssssssss sss."

The others stood silently, until Duo yelled, "WHAT the FUCK!"

"Trowa was speaking Parsel Tongue," Quatre explained.

"Yeah, and listen to me speak Parcel Tongue: Your package will arrive in two to three business days with Priority Space Mail shipping." Duo pasted a sickly sweet smile on his face as he said this.

"Nooooo, Parsel Tongue, the ability to speak to snakes!"

"What the hell is wrong with speaking HUMAN? He's never said a word up until now, and I don't think hissing can be counted as words!"

"He was saying words in the language of the snake, Duo."

Wufei broke in. "Oh, shut up, Quatre, you Potter geek. You're such a Hufflepuff."

"And so? Better than being a Ravenclaw type like you, Wufei!"

"But your obsession with Harry Potter is quite unhealthy. I don't actually think of myself as belonging to a fictional house of a fictional school in a fictional world."

"What makes you think I do?"

Trowa bent down quickly (like a striking snake!) to grab at Quatre's left trouser leg, pulled it up as he pulled down the sock. There, placed above the ankle was a tattoo of a lacy heart that read, "Hufflepuffs are LOVE!"

"Hn," said Heero.

Before Quatre had time to get embarrassed or object to the indignity of having his trim ankle exposed by his Parsel Tongue-speaking possibly-more-than-friend, a raging storm rushed into the hangar.

"What the fuck are you muthafukkas doing? Why are there still muthafukkin' snakes in my muthafukkin' spaceship?" Relena was dressed in a spacesuit, complete with helmet. She reasoned that if these suits had been made for the rigors of the cold vacuum of space, then they could certainly keep her safe from non-spacely snakes. The fact that it was Heero's spacesuit was just a personal bonus.