Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry is proud to announce the retirement of
Madam Poppy Pomfrey
Please join us for a reception in her honor on 1 July 2026
At six o'clock in the evening
Reception will be held in the West Rose Garden
We await your owl no later than 31 May
Poppy stared at the invitation in her hand. After 60 years as the school matron she was finally retiring. She almost retired in 2014 and had even started training Hannah Longbottom to take over, but in the end she wasn't ready to leave. Minerva had insisted on a party even though Poppy didn't think it was necessary. She finally consented when the Headmistress agreed to keep the party to a small group.
Even though they shouldn't, anyone who works in a school has their favorite students, and Poppy was no exception. She had only been the school nurse for five years when she first met James Potter and his band of miscreant friends. Looking through the student medical files, the thickest from her first fifteen years were for James, Sirius Black, and Remus Lupin. Somehow their fourth companion never seemed to get injured as much as they did.
The Marauders were in the hospital wing at least once a week with the strangest variety of ailments. Laughing, she read through some of her favorites,
James: One Antler (patient says it was spell damage)
Sirius: Rat bite on left butt cheek (patient says rat was in his bed)
Sirius: Hoof print on chest (patient says it was from rampant hippogriff)
Peter: Dog bite (patient can't explain where dog came from)
Sirius: Scratches on back (patient claims Minerva attacked him while in animagus form because she was in heat and he is 'so damn sexy'), also treated for blunt trauma to head after Minerva hit him with thick book for that comment.
Lupin: multiple human bite marks on neck (patient claims it was a dog)
James: Also has multiple human bite marks (patient says same dog bit him)
James: Love sickness (patient says Lily Evans STILL won't go out with him)
Lupin: Gash above right eye (patient hit with book that student was throwing at James)
After they had left school, Poppy had stayed in contact with the Potters, and was lucky enough to be at their home when Lily went into labour and delivered their son, Harry James Potter. Watching Harry walk into the Great Hall on his first day at Hogwarts and been bittersweet for her. He looked so much like her favorite student, yet she could tell he was not treated well at home. No amount of talking to Albus over the years could convince him that Harry shouldn't return to his relatives over the summer.
Now, fifty five years after she had treated her first Potter, Harry's youngest child, Lily Luna, had graduated and she knew it was finally time to go. Her long time partner, Irma Pince, had retired last year and she was ready to spend time with her that wasn't interrupted by sick children, or the sounds of library wards being breached by overeager Ravenclaws. Taking one last look in the mirror, she adjusted her robes and made her way to the Rose Garden.
As Minerva promised it was a small group that greeted her. Harry, Ginny, their two boys, and sea of gingers that included Molly, Arthur, George, and what looked like every other Weasley child and grandchild, including one that looked like the next generation of Weasley was on its way, Merlin help us all. Standing in the back she also saw the Minister for Magic, Hermione Granger-Malfoy with Draco, Scorpius, Lily, are they holding hands? Harry and Draco must LOVE that!, Narcissa and none other than Severus Snape. The dungeon bat is out in the sunlight? He better hope his arse doesn't catch on fire, because I am not saving him.
Harry was the first to approach her, "Hi Madam Pomfrey."
Raising her voice so everyone could hear "It's Poppy now. The next one to call me Madam will be hexed, and I warn you, there is no longer a matron to heal you."
Laughter rang out across the group as everyone made their way to greet her. As she went to hug Lily she whispered into her and Scorpius' ear, "If you ever want to mess with your parents, I can fake a pregnancy charm. Just let me know, and I'll bring the camera."
Lily giggled as Scorpius' eyes sparkled with mischievousness, "You sure you weren't a Slytherin Poppy?"
"The only person more Hufflepuff than Poppy was Helga herself. We would never have let her in."
"Severus, I see that despite my best efforts, you're still alive."
You would never know from their interactions in public, but Severus and Poppy were very close. The amount of time she spent healing him from He-Who-Is-A-Jackass and the potions they had brewed together to treat some of the stranger injuries meant they were more like aunt and nephew than colleagues. But only in private, in public he had a reputation to maintain.
Watching Lily and Scorpius walk away she leaned towards him, "so, you and Narcissa? What does she see in you?"
"With my sharp tongue and large nose, she sees double when I'm between her thighs."
"Oh, you are a wicked man Severus. I'm happy for you."
"Obviously." Giving her a sly smile, "I heard what you said to Scorpius and Lily. Make sure I'm there won't you? I want to see Potter asphyxiate."
"I thought you two got along now?"
"We do. Doesn't mean I don't like to watch him suffer though."
After making her rounds and talking to most people, Minerva cast a mild sonorous charm.
"Welcome everyone. Thank you for coming to celebrate the retirement of Poppy with us. Hogwarts won't be the same without you, and you will be dearly missed. Even though you are a Hufflepuff, I know you would hex me if I was too sentimental so instead I asked everyone to share the most memorable story of you healing them."
As the group shared their stories, she couldn't help but smile at the memories. Some of them, like Bill Weasley talking about her fixing his broken nose after kissing another boys girlfriend, she had forgotten. Others, like having to regrow all of Harry's arm bones after that idiot removed them all still stuck out.
Charlie Weasley stood up and cleared his throat. Oh Merlin, please tell my favourite story! "Poppy, I'm very thankful for you and all the times you fixed my broken fingers after quidditch practice." He quickly sat back down.
No way was that little shit getting off that easy. "You're welcome Charlie, dear. Are you sure that's the most memorable story?"
Shifting in his seat, his face was turning red "Well, I didn't get hurt much, so I think so."
"So, you don't remember the time I had to help you deflate your cock after you tried an engorgement charm on it?"
Howls of laughter filled the air as Molly screamed "Charles Weasley! What is wrong with you?!"
"I'm a bloke mom! What do you want me to say? We play with our cocks, okay?"
The only person who had a thicker medical folder than James Potter was Fred and George Weasley. She had given them one folder because she couldn't tell them apart no matter what spells she tried.
Seeing George without Fred always made her heart ache. But he stood up with a big smile on his face as he looked at her.
"Poppy, I don't think anyone realizes how much I owe you for healing not only me, but Fred too, while we were at Hogwarts.
"This beautiful lady here healed everyone of our injuries when we first started our joke shop and there were a lot of them."
Poppy thought back to that year, the twins were in the hospital wing more nights than they weren't. She probably should have reported them, but they were so much fun to have around. Especially with Umbitch in the castle.
"Beyond the normal regrowing of bones, hair, eyebrows, fingernails, well you get the picture. Poppy also got to see more Weasley genitalia when she had to reattach one of Fred's bollocks-"
Poppy heard Molly mutter "what in the hell is wrong with my children" at this statement.
"Now I won't tell you which product we were testing, but Severus, Poppy took a sample so watch your tea."
Teddy Lupin stood up next. "Umm, seeing as you all know I'm as graceful as they say my mother was, Poppy had to heal me pretty often." The group smiled as they thought of Tonks and her ability to trip on a flat surface. "And being a metamorphmagus, I didn't have to resort to charms like Charlie.. sorry about your small-"
"Edward Lupin!"
"Sorry Molly." Blushing as the group laughed at Charlie again.
"As I was saying, Poppy never had to heal me from any big injuries or anything really memorable. But I do have all of my dad's old journals and he mentions her quite a few times.
'Last night was my first full moon at Hogwarts. Madam Pomfrey was really nice to me. She even let me have chocolate.'
'The Marauders found out about me being a werewolf. They all pretended to be sick so they could stay in the hospital with me as I recovered. Madam Pomfrey knows they are faking but she let them stay anyway.'
'James accidentally transformed into Prongs in the dorm last night and stabbed Sirius in the arse with his antler. There is no way Madam Pomfrey believes that Sirius was attached by a manticore in the common room. Thank Merlin she doesn't ask many questions.'
'Neville's Boggart was Severus and he turned him into an old drag queen. I'm pretty sure he's going to poison me at dinner. I've asked Poppy to have antidotes ready.'
"I know my dad would have a lot more stories if he were here Poppy. Thanks for taking care of him."
The group was quiet and the sound of more than one person sniffling could be heard.
"Damn Hufflepuffs never follow directions. Lupin, Minerva said nothing too sentimental. I know Potter raised you-"
"Oh shush Severus" Poppy interrupted him. "It's your turn."
"I have nothing to say. You're not memorable at all. I'm only here for the free drinks."
"Should I tell them about the-"
"No you devil woman. I'll share mine last." The glare he gave her would have made any first-year wet their pants.
Smiling at him she just nodded.
Narcissa stood, clearing her throat as everyone turned to look at her. Poppy knew that while she may be friends with the Potter's and Hermione's mother in law, but she still felt uncomfortable around the Weasley family.
"Lucius and I tried for many years to get have a successful pregnancy. As he was on the Board of Get at the time, we were expected to be here for a Yule party. I was about four months pregnant with Draco and I went into preterm labour while we were here.
"Poppy immediately jumped into action and was able to stabilise me until I could safely be transported to St. Mungo's. Saving mine and Draco's life."
The group once again went silent with emotion as they looked between Narcissa, herself, and Draco.
"Oh, and Charlie. Poppy had to help Lucius with the same thing three times." And the damn man needed it.
The laughter from the group was so loud the birds in the nearby trees took flight.
Hermione stood. She was the last to go and looked at the group. I wonder which story she'll tell. Saving her after the cock-up at the ministry, delivering Scorpius while her, Ginny, and Harry were visiting Neville?
"Hermione" Harry called her name, "you better tell your story. Right meow."
Oh, I forgot about this one!
Poppy heard Hermione mutter "bastard" as she glared at Harry.
"In second year, the boys and I may have thought my husband was the Heir of Slytherin."
"You what?" Exclaimed Draco, Narcissa, and Molly.
"We were twelve and you were a git, so yes we did.
"We decided the I know that we can know for sure was to brew polyjuice potion, disguise ourselves as three Slytherin and to get you to confess. So, I brewed the potion-"
"Excuse me" Severus interrupted her. "how exactly did you get the ingredients and where did you brew it?"
"I stole the ingredient to from your personal storeroom one day during class and I brewed it in Myrtle's bathroom."
"Why you little-"
Grabbing his hand Narcissa whispered "it was a long time ago Severus." He still gave Hermione a nasty look.
"As I was saying, I brewed the potion and it turned out perfectly. Harry and Ron were able to impersonate Crabbe and Goyle and sneak into the Slytherin common room and talk to Draco. I had collected what I thought was hair from Millicent Bulstrode.
"Unfortunately instead of her hair I have collected her cat's hair. as I'm sure you all know polyjuice potion should not be used to change into an animal. So I spent the next month has a cat-human hybrid has Poppy pumped me full of potions to get me back into my normal human form."
"I shit you not, she had a tail!" Harry bellowed. "A tail! And she coughed up fur balls!" He had tears running down his face.
How in the name of Helga could I forget Hermione the Amazing Cat Lady?!
"Harry Potter I did not cough up hairballs!"
"Oh yes you did Minister." Poppy couldn't help but add. "I even had to give you a special potion for cats that keeps them from throwing up hairballs."
Severus looked gleeful. "That's why you had me brew that? I thought it was for Minerva."
Glaring at all of them, Hermione used her best political voice, "if any of you repeat that story I will have you in Azkaban before you can say 'nox.'"
Minerva stood up from with a large book in her hand. "I know you didn't want a large party but there were a lot of people who had something to say to you. They each wrote a note which I have included in this book for you."
Poppy took the book and glanced through it. There must be thousands of letters in here. I had no idea so many people remembered me.
"Thank you Minerva. And thank you all for coming out here today and sharing your stories with us. Being a the school matron-"
"Poppy" Severus stood, cutting her off. "I said I'd go last."
Damn drama queen always needs to make a scene.
"How could I forget. Proceed."
"Poppy may be the best healer this country has ever seen, but she has the worst bedside manner imaginable. I can't count the amount of time she told me she would rather kill me then heal me while I was in the hospital wing."
Poppy had enough grace to appear remorseful even if she didn't feel it.
"My most memorable moment was watching Poppy heal somebody else. Since I had the displeasure of teaching most of you, you will know that I patrol the corridors that night.
"One night as I was making my rounds I came to the corner by the hospital wing and in the mirror I saw Minerva in her cat form. Surprising as I know you will all find it, I do have a sense of humor, and since I know cats are irrationally afraid of cucumbers, I transfigured a few strings into cucumbers and hovered them to land around her.
"Minerva screeched, and jumped higher than I've ever seen a cat jump. Every time she was land she would see another cucumber and jump and screech again."
Minerva is going to kill him! She's going to turn into a cat right now and claw his eyes out.
"Poppy came out and vanished the cucumbers but Minerva still wouldn't switch back into her human form. She ended up having to give her the potion to force the transformation."
The group was dead silent. You could see shoulders shaking as everyone wanted to laugh, but the look on Minerva's face was scary enough to keep them quiet. She hissed at him and changed into her cat form.
Her hackles stood on end and she prepared to pounce on him. Standing there looking cool as can be he pulled a cucumber out of his pocket. Minerva screeched, took off running, and jumped over one of the rose bushes.
All of the younger generation was rolling on the ground in fits of laughter and the older ones had tears streaming down their faces.
Severus approached her and gave her a tight hug. Whispering in her ear "Thanks for being the mother I always needed, even when I was an arse."
She kissed his cheek, "I love you, too."
A/N:
Unbeta'd like all my one-shots.
Anything you recognize belongs to J.K. Rowling.