CCS Christmas '99
by Meimi
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I stare out the window.
It's a really pretty night. There isn't any snow this year, but it's cold enough for it. Cold enough to make the air outside crisp, enough to make you shiver just a little.
...looking out the window tonight makes me feel even more alone than I already am. There isn't a soul out on the streets tonight. The only thing to see outside are the bright, warm houselights of other apartments near my building. I can see twinkling lights outlining some windows...trees with glowing ornaments. I can even hear Christmas music playing softly from the apartment above me.
From next door, I can hear the cry of, "Merry Christmas!!" There are a few moments of cheery laughter...
And then the door slams shut as the guests slip inside.
I'm inside my own home, but I can't help but feel shut out.
People talk about how everything is so much better at Christmas.
It's not like I don't believe it. I can *see* it...hear it. See it in those distant lights, twinkling in the distance. Hear the smiles in the voice of anyone who says, "Merry Christmas".
I can almost...almost...feel the warmth that seems to radiate from everyone during this time of the year. The shimmering warmth of happiness, something nearly palpable-
The happiness that everyone else but me seems to be able to latch onto.
...
I don't know what I was expecting.
I've learned that I shouldn't expect anything from my family. But just because I know I *shouldn't*, that doesn't mean that I don't.
It hasn't stopped me from looking at the phone every five minutes, wishing...
Wishing that I didn't have to be jealous of every family tucked away in their homes, as they take their love for granted.
Wishing...
That for once, someone would actually notice that I'm lonely.
That's what you call this feeling of being cold inside, right? How you feel like nobody really loves you? Notices you? Even thinks about you from time to time...?
Then I'm lonely.
The Christmas music echoing down from upstairs comes to a halt. Silence, except for a few murmurs from the small party next door. I suddenly find myself wishing they'd put it back on...it was a distraction from my phone that won't ring.
I shut my eyes, trying to block out the silence, the loneliness, the world that beams with the shimmering of Christmas, that only reminds me of the fact that I don't matter to anyone.
It doesn't work.
I can still feel an aching emptiness inside.
And then it's shattered...
...by a ringing.
Deep brown eyes fly open, widening in disbelief for an instant...then flying to the phone.
Silent.
...did I imagine it?
It sounds again.
"The doorbell...?" My voice sounds increduous. I shrug, crossing the room as the bell is pressed a few more impatient times. Probably some guest for the party next door, who got the address wrong-
The door swings open, and I find myself staring at two bright emerald eyes.
Staring just a few seconds too long.
"Ano....Shaolan-kun..."
"Uh..." Speechless. "...come on in..." I take the tray from her as she slips off her shoes.
She straightens, looking right at me with her eyes...eyes that look right at me...no. *Into* me...and gives me a smile...a smile I feel that is meant only for me.
A smile that doesn't make me feel quite as cold inside.
"Merry Christmas, Shaolan-kun."
Maybe...just maybe...I'm not as alone as I thought.
It turns out that there really is someone that's thinking of me...
"...Merry Christmas."