Disclaimer: I don't own Strawberry Panic. Why do I even need to bother making disclaimers, if owning any of these franchises would mean I wouldn't even be on this site in the first place. Of course, I just typed this part up so I can get in some more words to make the fic longer by a smidge.
A/N: No matter how you look at it, this is a crack fic. It's a bit of surprise I haven't written anything for this series until now, considering everything...I feel like this show is more for women though, than the yuri-loving male demographic. It just makes liking this series kind of awkward...
In an deep underground chamber, hidden within the bowels of Astraea Hill, an important and possibly world-altering meeting was being held...
"I call this meeting of 'The Handsome Lesbian Club' to order!" Shizuma Hanazono announced. She sat at one end of a large circular table with two female gender symbols combined as the club's shield in the middle. Surrounding her in their respective seats were Nagisa Aoi, Amane Ohtori, Hikari Konohana, Chikaru Minamoto and Tamao Suzumi was currently out on reconnaissance duty.
'I really like this club...' Amane thought, smirking.
"Why isn't EVERYONE IN THE WHOLE FREAKIN' SCHOOL in this club?!" Nagisa questioned.
"Because," Shizuma replied, "You have to be a HANDSOME lesbian...dumbass..."
'I REALLY like this club...' Amane thought, now smiling widely.
"To tell you the truth, only you and Amane-bitchi over there really classify as 'handsome lesbians'...or at least Amane-bitchi does..." Chikaru pointed out.
'I REALLY, REALLY LIKE THIS CLUB!!!' Amane thought blissfully, completely unaware that the others were talking about her.
Already bored with the club meeting, Hikari lit a cigarette and slipped it gracefully in between her lips.
Nagisa gasped. "H-HIKARI-CHAN!! YOU'RE...YOU'RE SMOKING! NOT ONLY IS THAT BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH, BUT IT'S NOT ALLOWED IN SCHOOL...AND IT'S VERY UNLADY-LIKE!!"
Hikari scoffed and snapped, "Shut the fuck up. I've been smoking since I was five. I can do whatever the fuck I want, as long as I got Amane-bitch here to pleasure me..."
Nagisa was flabbergasted. "I AM FLABBERGASTED."
'Wow...her personality really got butchered in this fic...' Shizuma noted.
"Another thing, also," Chikaru said, twirling her hair with her finger, "Why aren't Kaname and Momomi in the club...?"
"Because they suck," Shizuma replied nonchalantly.
"I can agree to that..."
'I LOVE THIS CLUB SO MUCH THAT I WANT TO FUCK IT IN THE ASS...TWICE!'
Suddenly, the door swung open, and Tamao dashed in with a look of pure horror on her face. "IT'S TERRIBLE! IT'S AWFUL! NO...IT'S THE END OF THE FUCKIN' WORLD, DAMMIT!!!"
"Calm down, Tamao-chan!" Nagisa cried, "W-What's the matter?! What's going on topside?!"
Tamao looked like she was going to faint from shock. "A...A NEW STUDENT HAS ARRIVED...AND SHE DOESN'T LIKE HORSES AT ALL!!"
Amane immediately snapped to attention, and she pulled out her sniper rifle. "I'll kill the bitch good."
"Calm down, Amane," Shizuma grunted, "We're not all so in love with horses that we'd sneak into the staples one night, strip down naked, cover ourselves in mustard, and-"
"THAT WAS ONE TIME, DAMMIT! STOP BRINGING IT UP!" Amane snapped, her face red, "BY THE WAY, WHAT ABOUT YOUR WEIRD FETISH?! YOU KNOW THE ONE I'M TALKING ABOUT! WHEN YOU GO TO THE BATHROOM AND-"
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO TALKING ABOUT?!" Nagisa sobbed.
"Fucking annoying conversation is fucking...annoying," Hikasu commented, a bit upset that she failed to make a joke out of her words like usually.
Suddenly, Tamao recalled something else about the new girl. "Oh, and she's straight!"
An awkward silence befell the tiny lesbian-filled room.
"S...S...Straight?!" Nagisa stammered.
Cocking her head to the side, Shizuma asked, "What does this 'straight' thing mean...?"
Chikaru whispered it into Shizuma's ear.
"OH MY FUCKING LORD!!!" Shizuma ran to the nearest garbage can and puked about three or four times.
"I...I didn't even know there were people like that still around..." Amane was shaking violently, afraid for her very life and soul.
"Don't be stupid," Chikaru snapped, "Of course there are still straight people in the world! Way more of them than there are of people like us! I really don't see what the problem is; I'm sure there's alot of straight girls already at our schools..."
"Oh my god! Burn it with fire!!!" Hikari screamed, litting several more cigarettes and sticking them in her mouth all at once.
"Hold on! How do you know she's straight, exactly?" Shizuma asked Tamao.
"She's showing off pictures of her boyfriend Ricky..." Tamao explained.
Shizuma, and just about everyone else in the room, blanched. 'RICKY IS SATAN, AND THIS STRAIGHT GIRL HAS BEEN SENT BY HIM TO CORRUPT OUR BEAUTIFUL GAY LIFE STYLES WITH COCK-LOVING STRAIGHT BITCHINESS!'
"I have decided...that we shall declare war on this straight girl!" Shizuma announced.
"Whoa! ...Already??" Nagisa replied.
"I WILL NOT ALLOW OUR PEACEFUL YURI WAY OF LIVING TO BE THREATENED BY SUCH INSANITY AS WOMEN WHO LOVE MEN!!! WE WILL GIVE THIS VILE CREATURE TWO CHOICES: BECOME GAY...OR DIE!!!"
"Isn't that kinda extreme...?" Chikaru asked, forever the voice of reason within this group of idiot lesbians.
"Of course it's not! It is our duty to protect the garden of lilies, and thus, evil must be eliminated!" Shizuma proclaimed, dawning a headband with the kanji 'FIGHT!' written on it, and a pair of spiked gloves. A powerful flame of determination was glowing in her eyes; nothing could stop Shizuma now...nothing...
Chikaru reached over and tore off Nagisa's unfirom, revealing her bare breasts. "Look, Shizuma...delicious flat chest!!!"
"I'm...I'm not that flat, dammit!" Nagisa snapped.
"OH, HELL YEAH!!!" Drooling like a wild beast, Shizuma leaped on top of poor Nagisa and was about to start 'rape-time mode' when she realized something...
"YOU'RE NOT THAT FLAT, DAMMIT!"
"I KNOW!!"
"ONLY KAORI-CHAN HAD DELICIOUS FLAT CHEST!!! FUUUUUUCK, WHY DID SHE HAVE TO DIE?! I WANT MY VAGINA BACK..."
"YOU NEVER LOST IT, SO STOP CRYING ON ME!!!"
Although this wasn't exactly what Chikaru was aiming to happen, at least Shizuma was now distracted.
"What should we do about this straight girl, though...?" Tamao asked, worried that she might end up with cooties or something from being in close contact with someone who WASN'T gay.
Chikaru shrugged. "Why don't we go and check her out ourselves?"
Together, Chikaru, Amane, chain-smoker Hikari and Tamao headed up to the surface, and left seme-Shizuma and uke-Nagisa to continue their business...