Kaoru scowled as she came to the realization that she had been staring at Miyako during the entire class. No, an empty notebook wasn't the problem. She could always copy Miyako's notes. She was paying close attention, writing down everything the sensei was writing. Kaoru knew; she had been staring.
She rapped her knuckles against her head, as if she could somehow rattle her brain into a new form of thinking. As if she could force herself to stop thinking about Miyako. Somehow, the fact that they had been spending less time together just made Kaoru think about Miyako more. Without Kare around, there were fewer monsters, fewer battles, and less Powerpuff Girls Z. She tried to convince herself that she missed Momoko less because they spent a bit more time together, since Miyako also had visiting Takaaki occupying her time. That couldn't be farther from the truth, however, and she knew it.
Suddenly, Miyako felt much farther away than in the desk in front of her.
"More letters?!"
More than once, Kaoru considered slipping a letter of her own into Miyako's locker. Miyako never read them, she knew. She used to, but the same boys would write the same sappy poems they'd steal from the Internet. Kaoru imagined herself slipping a neatly written letter through the vents in her locker, lost in the pile. She had written one up and everything, but when it gave her a paper cut, she took it as a sign. Or an excuse. Is there a difference?
Speaking of pile, a torrent of letters spilled forth when Miyako opened her locker, spilling onto the titled floor and deserving of its own yellow "Caution" sign.
"How many letters do you think that might be?" Miyako asked. Kaoru simply grunted and shrugged.
"A hundred! Oh, and…" Momoko used her index finger to point at several letters, her eyes squinted and concentration evident in her face, before proclaiming, "five!"
Sometimes Kaoru couldn't decide if Momoko or Miyako was more of a ditz. But that was part of Miyako's charm; part of what made Kaoru laugh and grin and blush. Again, somehow, only Miyako.
Kaoru picked up a letter and grimaced as the overpowering scent of cologne wavered into her nostrils. She stuck her tongue out and tossed it back down, getting a paper cut in the process. She thought of her own letter again, but before she could think much further, she felt warmth and wetness on said damaged finger. Miyako's face permeated her field of vision, and Kaoru's faced reddened as her eyes landed on the lips wrapped around her finger. The plump pink lips she had never thought about until then, and would spend months thinking about afterwards.
"Kaoru, are you alright?"
An innocent enough question, but Miyako was still holding Kaoru's hand in one of her own, and Kaoru snatched her hand away, finger still bleeding.
"You can't just do such weird things, Miyako!"
Momoko just laughed.
As the trio walked home that day, Kaoru could barely distinguish the sidewalk from the road, and Momoko probably saved her from being run over more than half a dozen times.
All Kaoru could see was the lips, and the hand in her pocket itched for release. She just wanted to stare at it the same way she would keep a hand to her lips if they had just been kissed. Instead she kept her head down and stared at the lips, wrapped around the finger cut by the love letter of one of Miyako's admirers. Was there some kind of poetry to that? Some kind of irony, or something similar? Kaoru didn't care to figure it out. Instead, the butterflies in her stomach begged for attention, attention her heart and brain both agreed they did not want to grant. She wanted to think about the lips without thinking about why she was thinking about the lips. She didn't want to think about the fact that the incident with the letter had happened three months ago, and she still thought about it constantly.
She didn't know if she was blushing from frustration or something else, but her thoughts remained on the lips of one of her best friends as Momoko and Miyako chatted idly about fashion and clothes. The conversation shifted. Kaoru's head jerked upwards, but she forced herself to keep it down.
"I'm visiting Takaaki tomorrow."
Kaoru lay on her bed, hands behind her head and thoughts in the clouds.
Somehow, through all her frustrations and confusion, her mind managed to daydream about Miyako anyways.
She was putting a letter into Miyako's locker, but before her fingers could release their grip on the thin paper, Miyako's voice startled her into retreating her arms.
"Is that a love letter? For me, from you, Kaoru?"
The tell-tale sign of warm cheeks infiltrated Kaoru's senses and took them hostage. They were in a crowded hallway, but all Kaoru could hear was the sound of her own breathing, and all she could feel was the warmth. In her cheeks, in her stomach, in her heart. It must have only taken a second to feel all that, but Kaoru felt she took several minutes to process all this.
Kaoru bowed at the waist, presenting the letter before Miyako as she had seen countless much more brave boys do.
"Please accept my feelings, Miyako!"
It was like a typical manga, but Miyako took the letter. Kaoru righted herself and watched as Miyako opened the letter. She only stared at the contents for a second, but she leaped forward and hugged Kaoru tightly nonetheless.
"I love you, too, Kaoru!"
Suddenly, the sensation that had haunted her for months, the luck her cut finger had had, was finally awarded to her lips. Miyako's soft and warm lips had planted themselves on Kaoru's rough and cold ones, and the warmth of Miyako's lips spread to Kaoru's own lips, then throughout her body. Neither moved, neither breathed, nothing happened for what felt like hours.
Kaoru was stuck in that moment, because she just couldn't imagine it happening. She didn't want to face what her yearning for it to happen, meant. And yet she confessed over and over in her mind, her imagination running rampant several times a day.
Takaaki was a lucky bastard. Kaoru could imagine herself standing before the enemy, protecting Miyako with her own body, taking a thousand cuts from a sword, bleeding for Miyako's sake. Takaaki sat on his hospital bed, coughing and waiting, for a cure or for death, or even a simple diagnostic. Kaoru could see Kare shooting a torrent of lava at her with his fans, and she would take it for her.
Kaoru jumped out of her bed, sudden full of angry and nervous energy, and ran out of her house. She ran faster and faster and faster, fueled by her passionate thoughts.
Kaoru had fought countless times with Miyako. The girl had cried in her arms over a dozen times. Kaoru had consoled her, protected her, cheered her on, defended her, walked her home, loved her—
Kaoru stopped suddenly, and this gave her time to notice it had begun to drizzle. She grit her teeth before setting off again, running until she was overly aware of the power her leg muscles were using and how swiftly her arms were pumping at her sides.
Kaoru was a Powerpuff Girl, something Takaaki would never be. She risked her life with Miyako to save all of Tokyo City, not only from Kare, btu from Mojo Jojo and Fuzzy and Sedusa and the Rowdyruff Boys Z. In every battle, they fought side-by-side, bonded in a way only heroines in a team could, gotten to know each other much more intimately than others knew them. Yes, they had risked their lives for the city, and for each other.
'I'm the one protecting Miyako. I would DIE for her!'
Kaoru stopped, so suddenly that she fell on her knees and scrapped them badly on the concrete. The rain poured down on her and the wind roared in her ears as that realization hit her, and finally, she was ready to accept it.
As the trio flew over the city, patrolling as Hakase had asked them to, Kaoru looked around eagerly for villains to fight. They had patrolled the city many times, both before and after the defeat of Kare, and she could imagine they would do so many more times. She imagined patrolling with the Girls into the far future, after graduating high school, after graduating from colleges. Even as adults, she could see the girls' chanting "Fighting Love Science Legend: Powerpuff Girls Z!" She could see Momoko marrying the man of her dreams, and she could even see Miyako marrying Takaaki, but she would stay by her side always.
Even if she had to convince them to stay together long after all the villains had disappeared or quit, Powerpuff Girls Z would continue forever. Kaoru would make sure of that. Neither of them could even push her away, even if they were sick of her. Even if Miyako was Takaaki's bride, even if Kaoru had to be a bridesmaid in a hospital room, Miyako would never be able to push her away. She didn't even mind it, as long Miyako was always in her life, forever.
Kaoru couldn't sleep. She couldn't eat. She couldn't pay attention in class. She couldn't concentrate during soccer practice. She couldn't think of anything or anyone but Miyako. She was falling apart.
The trio walked home as usual, and as Kaoru started down at the ground as she had become accustomed to doing, her two best friends spoke of their concern for her. They had quickly learned that the girl never heard a thing the two said, leaving Momoko and Miyako free to wonder why Kaoru had been acting so strangely. Neither of them could figure it out, and they had no clues to lead them in the right direction. They discussed her family life, her grades, sports, and even her love life, but none of that seemed to have gone awry around the same times as Kaoru began closing herself off.
The three reached the spot where they usually went their separate ways, and the two girls were pleasantly surprised when Kaoru stopped walking. The other day, she had just continued on her way, at the same pace. She was still looking down at the ground however, so Momoko pocked her in the arm. She tried for a smile, but Kaoru just gave her that strange, far-off look. She gave Kaoru a kiss of the cheek before giving Miyako one and heading down the street. Miyako did the same for Kaoru, but this time, the girl reacted. Kaoru stared into Miyako's eyes for several minutes, unable to remember if this was normal for friends or not. Miyako felt an overwhelming sense of worry wash over her.
"We're… we're friends, aren't we, Kaoru?"
Kaoru quickly leaned forwards and kissed Miyako on the cheek. She placed her hands behind her head and grinned, the spitting image of her usual self.
"Of course we are, Miyako!"
Miyako smiled, still confused, but satisfied for the moment. As she turned around and began walking her own way, Kaoru whispered, "But I don't mean it."
The adrenaline had taken more than half a year to burn away, but her heart filled with rage and resentment before long. Not just at Takaaki, but at Miyako.
How blind Miyako was to not notice Kaoru's feelings! How much of a ditz she had to be if she didn't realize Kaoru was much better than Takaaki! Kaoru felt trapped in this crush, trapped under Takaaki, as if Miyako's teeth had sunk into Kaoru's finger and wouldn't let go, sucking the life out of Kaoru with those delicious and succulent lips.
Kaoru wrote another letter, but this time, it was a hate letter, not a love letter. She hated Miyako for being cute. She hated Miyako for being kind. She hated Miyako for worrying about her. She hated Miyako for being so perfect. She hated Miyako for being so imperfect. She hated Miyako for being so blind. She hated Miyako for caging her into this love.
She slipped it into Miyako's locker. It was lost amount the hundred and five.
As Kaoru walked through the hallway, a kid bumped into her, and the pencil in Kaoru's hand dropped into the recycling bin. After thoroughly cursing the boy out, Kaoru reached into the bin full of paper and picked up her pencil. Something caught her eye. It was red pen. It was her handwriting. It was her hate letter. Kaoru picked it up, shoved it into her pocket, and continued on her way to class. She didn't know why she did it, but she did.
That day was the first day Miyako had been absent all year. She went on vacation with her grandmother to visit her parents, and Kaoru found herself calming down and returning to something resembling her old self. The longer she was away from Miyako, the less she seemed to think about her, except for the occasional sweet daydream of handholding or kissing. It was on the last day of that week, the day she had to do the laundry, when Kaoru found the letter in her pocket again. Kaoru smiled absentmindedly as she opened it and flattened it out. Her smile turned into a disgusted and incredulous look—something like pure horror—as she read the letter. To think she had only written the letter a week ago, and yet her clarity of mind had return enough for part of her to immediately begin debating with the part that loved... no, was obsessed with… Miyako.
Kaoru crumpled up the letter and ran out her house, ignoring the biting cold of the winter, this time taking her skateboard with her. She was forced to pay much more attention to every movement she made, and so her thoughts were too fragmented to increase in ferocity as they had before. Kaoru made it to the park and stopped where she had first become a Powerpuff Girl, first donned the dreaded skirt, where she had saved a young boy from the perceived threat. Somehow, being a Powerpuff Girl… its purpose had changed. Her reason for being the city's protector had changed. No, she had forgotten about her responsibilities towards the city.
Kaoru was almost physically knocked over by the wave of disgust and nausea she felt as her mind replayed her actions and thoughts of the last several months.
Miyako returned to a very different Kaoru, but she couldn't decide if it was a good or bad thing. Kaoru was much more cheerful, much more devoted to her friends and to saving the day. She was almost like the old Kaoru, but times a thousand. Kaoru refused to explain her transformation. She apologized for her actions, she devoted herself more to school and soccer practice and Tokyo City than she had ever done before, but still, Kaoru felt far away from Miyako.
Miyako tried to get Kaoru alone several times, as she constantly seemed like she was hiding something. Like she wanted to say something but hesitated and ultimately gave up. Kaoru would not budge. She would not speak a word of the past, asking to bury it.
"Am I bothering you, with the way I'm acting? Isn't it better now?"
"It is! I mean, I don't mean to criticize Kaoru… Um…"
Kaoru placed a hand on Miyako's shoulder, gave her a thumbs up, and grinned.
"We're friends, aren't we, Miyako?"
Kaoru was glad to be back to hanging out with her friends like usual, but still, she felt empty. Even after letting go of her obsession, it was as if the pure love had remained. She didn't hate Takaaki anymore, and actually hoped that they would finally get together. Miyako sometimes asked Momoko and Kaoru to visit the hospital with her, and Kaoru did so. She discovered Takaaki watched a lot of sports with his spare time, and the two talked a lot about that. Takaaki blushed when Miayko came up in conversation. The two looked at each other with loving eyes. Kaoru held lead settle into her stomach as she silently gave Takaaki her blessing one day.
Still, after all the trouble she had caused Momoko and Miyako, she felt as if she owed them something. Owed them a confession, so they could all move on from this. But she couldn't. What if they didn't want to be her friend anymore? Well, that was hard to justify. They were the Powerpuff Girls Z, after all, and had known each other for years. If they moved past Kaoru's strange behavior, they could surely move past Kaoru's feelings.
But she just couldn't.
When Takaaki confessed to Miyako, Momoko and Kaoru were there in the room as well. Momoko fawned over them endlessly, and eventually coerced them into kissing. Kaoru's smile hurt, and it felt as if a nerve were connecting her lips to her heart, and the twitch of a smile had shot the pain straight into her heart. Kaorua's lips twitched, sending fresh shots of pain into her heart, and the tears flowed freely. The lovers didn't notice, Momoko didn't notice, and not even Kaoru noticed she had started to cry. The tears soon disappeared, as she felt her heart grown even emptier.
And yet, she had to admit that it wasn't the end. Life wasn't going to freeze in that moment. The earth would not cease spinning. Her mind would come back to this moment a thousand times. Her mind would return to the kiss in her daydreams a thousand times. She would return to Miyako a thousand times. She belonged to the girl, wholeheartedly. And even within her cage, she found her voice and sang their praises as she ran forward and hugged Momoko, Takaaki and Miyako. She laughed and cried and fell apart before their feet as they all celebrated.
Kaoru died that day, died every time Miyako talked about him, died every time they kissed. But she came back a thousand times.