There was a slight murmur in the atmosphere of the Hyūga household. It was an unspoken agreement that everyone not talk too loudly. Here and there a smile, or a laugh, sometimes a sigh. Occasionally tears were spilled, but there was no sobbing or hysterics to be seen. Everyone was being strong for the sake of everyone else.
The kitchen had been crowded for some time now. There wasn't a soul who didn't wish to help out; washing dishes, putting them away, making more food, eating more food.
Hinata sat at the very heart of the large room adjacent to the kitchen—also filled with people. It seemed the whole village had passed through her home—and technically it had. This one room, of course, couldn't hold the entire village, but they'd all come; paid their respect to those who had fought, to those who'd lost.
She noted now that it had begun to peter out, all that was left now were those she knew personally, and her family.
Hinata sat holding her tea cup, conversing with no one, but the green liquid inside. She had been talked out, she couldn't even remember a time when she'd spoken this much. Sitting there she stared into her cup, unseeing, her expression almost bleak.
Sighing heavily she looked up and around her. No one was paying any specific attention her, for once in this long day, at least not that she noted.
Deciding to stand—and not sure if the decision was even of her own volition—she made her way to the crowded kitchen. Hinata would apologize and walk around and bump into people, until she came to the large kitchen.
Kiba was at the sink, laughing at something Ino had, while he scrubbed a large pan that once held a very delectable duck. He wore her favorite apron, plain white, with frills. It suited him well, she thought warmly.
Setting her cup on the first counter she came to she made for the side door that lead outside from the kitchen. It relieved her that no one took notice or asked where she was going, or what she was doing.
The air was cool and crisp outside, and for whatever reason just breathing in the outside air made her feel somewhat better. It felt stuffy in the house, something about it she couldn't pin down. Hinata stepped to the side of the door and leaned her back against the wall.
She looked around a bit and saw no one, and heard only the voices from inside the house. This was truly the first time she'd been alone since they'd returned from the war.
The first time Hinata had been alone with her thoughts… it frightened her.
Hinata believed that what she had been going through the past several days had been mourning Neji. Though she had been with Kurenai and several other villagers during their mourning periods and she'd not acted as they had.
Kurenai had soaked Hinata's shirt through, a couple of times, after the news of Asuma had surfaced.
She'd not done anything of the sort for Neji… at least not yet. Tears were shed, of course… but she felt this looming over her head, that at any given moment in time she was going to break and lose herself in her grief… but being around everyone… she needed to be strong for their sake, she felt.
"No one will see it as weakness if you break down in front of them," the deep voice came out of nowhere, causing Hinata to almost jump from her skin.
Hinata had been so inside herself that she had failed to realize there had been someone watching her.
"Shino-kun…" she said in response. Her mind wanted to be cheery and pretend not to know what Shino was going on about, but she supposed if anyone paid attention, it would be Shino.
"It's not that… I'm not afraid of it being weakness…" her voice was quiet, her face displaying obvious embarrassment.
Her eyes began to sting, fighting back the tears. She hadn't discussed this with anyone. Not her father, nor her mother… or her sister. Not even Kurenai, who Hinata was most open with.
"Don't bottle it up, you know that isn't you."
Sudden emotion flickered to her now rosy face, she made her eyes meet his—because Hinata knew despite Shino always wearing glasses, he would always meet your eyes.
Swallowing hard she lashed out, with more emotion that she'd ever mean to, "How am I supposed to feel?"
Hinata was usually level headed, but all that seemed to disappear and be forced back.
Her heart was racing, she wasn't thinking, she was letting her heart talk, she imagined being lost in her grief and she wanted it to engulf her.
"He's gone!" she squeaked.
Several sobs escaped her tight throat and she brought her hands up around her stomach. She couldn't bear to keep her eyes opened, so she closed them tightly, wishing she could fade away.
Every sob and whimper racked her body, and she began to shake and shudder.
"I-I'm not angry… or upset… I'm sad… Shino-kun… I'm…" feeling as though she couldn't finish the sentence she slid her back down the wall, now sitting on the ground, clutching her knees to her chest.
Shino knelt down, and held her left hand. He didn't have to say anything, he never really did. Hinata and Shino had become well versed in the art of silent language.
Her delicate hand squeezed his and she sobbed for a few moments into her knees.
"I'm… I'm sad because… he'll never get to see me become a jounin…" she picked her head up and looked into Shino's eyes. Her hair was now matted, her ivory eyes red and puffy. Her nose had a slight swell too it, and was running down her face.
"Neji-nii-san… will never be… a sensei…"
Hinata's voice was straining more with each word she uttered. Her jaw began to quiver which made speech a little difficult.
"Neji… nii-san… can't get married… He won't ever… have children…"
Hinata wasn't sure, but she could have sworn she saw the slightest glimmer of a tear behind that hood and collar of Shino's… it made her gut clench and she let out a sob.
She needed contact from someone, and she would apologize furiously later to Shino for what she did next.
In one unangelic-like motion she threw herself into a hug, and wept into Shino's collarbone.
Shino was forced onto his bottom and was utterly shocked himself. He only knew to just embrace her.
When she finally decided to speak it was almost inaudible. After she spoke, Shino realized this is what Hinata had been needing, it wouldn't fix or solve anything, but secretly she was hurting, as she should be. He noted she was a good actress, and very strong because of it. Not that he'd doubted the latter at all since becoming her teammate.
What she said sent an icy pain into his chest, and it wasn't so much what she said, but her expression as she pulled away from his body and looked at his face.
This was not the Hinata he knew, even during all the abuse she'd ever taken in her life, she'd never once looked or acted anything like in this one moment.
Her eyes had a deadness to them, and it frightened him more than Shino would ever admit to.
"I will never see Neji-nii-san again…"
Hinata sat there motionless, her eyes had moved from meeting Shino's the the ground. Her heart pounded hard in her chest, painfully so.
Shino noticed that the murmur in the kitchen was a dead silence now.
In the blink of an eye Hinata came to her senses and sniffed some of her tears away.
Quietly she said, "I'm going to take a walk, Shino-kun, a walk… alone."
She stood to her feet and offered him a hand up.
Before she started walking he said, "Don't stay alone for too long, Hinata-chan…"
Turning around she smiled, "I know."
Shino felt uneasy letting her walk off, her promising smile was hollow, he knew.
The kitchen door opened suddenly, it was Kurenai. Worry plastered her face. Sakura had come to get her after hearing the squeaks and sobs from outside the kitchen door. Kiba had wanted to be the one to go out and talk to her, but Ino and Sakura agreed that Kurenai would be better suited, hopefully.
Even Shino and Kurenai had developed their own way of talking without really talking. He knew what Kurenai wanted to ask, so he went ahead and said his answer.
"She's too bent on doing this alone. For whatever reason… she's got it into her head that sharing her grief with anyone… makes her look weak," Shino's tone implied that he had somehow failed his sensei.
"I… will speak with her, we both know Kiba means well, but we also know that he lacks the tact," she laughed solemnly.
Kurenai had several ideas as to where her pupil would go. The first two were let downs, but eventually she found her. Hinata sat on the swing outside the old academy. She stared at her feet, swinging slowly back and forth.
Her teacher could sense that she wanted to speak, but was at a loss of words. Hinata's body language said it all—for the most part. Her hands were gripping the ropes so hard that her knuckles were white. She was bent slightly over so that her hair shrouded her face. Kurenai noted the "pit-pat" of the large tear drops falling from Hinata's chin to her lap.
"Hinata…" Kurenai said, her tone was full of love and the slightest touch of worry, but it seemed to ring throughout the village. Right here in this moment was silence, not even the wind gave its opinion.
Kurenai sat down on the ground next to Hinata, cross legged. She decided that she would wait here in silence, if that's all Hinata needed, it's what she'd give her.
Kurenai knew what she was feeling. The loss, the emptiness, somewhat betrayed even.
"He loved you, Hinata," she said, her tone was trying to convince Hinata. Kurenai was unsure of what exactly she was trying to convince her.
Hinata slowly lowered her hands to hang freely at her sides and turned her head to Kurenai, her eyes peeking out from under her indigo locks.
"I… wish he didn't…" Even Hinata knew her words betrayed her. She didn't feel that at all, but some part of her wanted to say it.
Hinata made her knees parallel to the ground and bent over her lap, wrapping her arms around her knees she turned her head and moved her hair to see her teacher.
Kurenai could see the exhaustion on Hinata's face.
"Will it stop?" she asked.
Kurenai met her eyes. "Will what stop, Hinata?"
"Will the pain stop, Kurenai-sensei? Will the emptiness go away, be filled? I… I suppose I never realized how big apart Neji-nii-san was in my life. I took him for granted… Now everywhere I look… I'm reminded of him… Even if it's nothing to do with him. I just want… I don't know… I'm so lost… I feel like I've lost my way…"
"But you haven't," Kurenai said, turning to her and placing a hand on top of her elbow. "You haven't lost your way, Hinata. It's a difficult beast to deal with… grief." Kurenai's eyes flickered to Hinata's feet.
Hinata's eyes grew wide and she gasped.
"Oh, Kurenai-sensei! I'm so sorry!" she began crying again as she hugged her teacher.
"Hinata… I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I have no better advice to give you. I'm… I'm feeling everything you said… and I'm still lost, too."
Hinata pulled back and Kurenai placed her hands on either side of her face. Both were now crying, but had smiles on their faces.
As if on cue, a breeze picked up and brought the sound of voices, more than a few. Hinata and Kurenai looked up to see in the distance a group of worrisome-racked teenagers looking their way.
In front of the group stood Kiba and Shino. Hinata could see Ino and Sakura holding hands, their faces hoping for good news.
To Shino's right was Tenten.
Hinata looked to Kurenai and hugged her hard.
She knew that throughout the rest of her life she would have her teacher to help cope with this, and the two of them would remember Neji and Asuma fondly.
She also now realized that she wasn't the only one whose pain for Neji's loss was great. Standing to her feet she smiled and looked at the group.
Though the smile was plain on her face, and several choked laughs escaped her throat, she ran towards them with tears in her eyes.
They all gasped and Ino and Sakura were the first two to take off towards Hinata. Everyone else understood and followed suit.
Ino and Sakura embraced Hinata first and everyone—even Shino and Shikamaru—gathered around to hug her and each other. It was the most warming display Hinata had thought she'd ever seen, much less been part of.