Deep Ravine
Chapter 1
"What?" Mai stared down at her belly, then over at Zuko. Sagely he shook his head and muttered something incomprehensible. "Yes, it's huge. Yes, it's bigger than it was yesterday. Do you have to stare?"
The Fire Lady, at twenty eight years old and nine months pregnant, felt ungainly and cranky and tired and just about anything but motherly and glowing. She was more an overripe fruit, way beyond its fresh date, ready to explode. The baby was almost three weeks overdue, uncommon but not unheard of. That did not ease her discomfort or her anxiety.
"I wasn't staring."
"So, what; I'm just impossible to miss? Is that what you're saying?"
"No, no….." Zuko was flustered now and wanted only to escape. "I've got some work to do in my office. I won't be too long." He approached Mai with care and placed a soft kiss on her cheek.
"Fine, I'll just lounge on the bed like some bloated carcass and hope that something happens."
"After, we'll go for a brisk walk. Remember what Katara said; walking is good for stimulating labour."
"Remember what Katara said," Mai mimicked in a sour voice. "Fine, we'll walk until I can't walk anymore."
No amount of wisdom or words of experience from Katara and Suki had prepared Mai for pregnancy. She expected that their tales of labour and delivery and the first months of motherhood would serve her with equal feebleness. Just as Zuko's fantasies of taking the Fire Nation into a new age with grace and ease, stepping into the position of Fire Lord with little trouble and no backlash, blew up in his face, messy and violent, so Mai's own ideas of life as Zuko's partner, wife, lover had not been quite accurate.
But that was the way of life. What you expected and what you dreamed rarely if ever became your reality. That's wasn't to say reality wasn't good, even blissful on occasion. It had its healthy dose of bad too and irritating and troublesome and frustrating. The important thing was, both Mai and Zuko were accustomed to difficult realities. They'd grown up on them and thus knew how to plough through them with determination, wit, sarcasm and stubbornness. They would be fine. Everything would be all right. And their first child would be born healthy…..and soon.
~~~~0000~~~~
"Well? Do you feel anything yet?" Zuko had one hand pressed into the small of Mai's back and he looked at her with that earnestness particular to only him.
"No," she answered with unplanned abruptness.
Zuko removed his hand for a moment, then put it back, rubbing with as much soothing power as he could. Mai intuited her husband's sense of helplessness; it fit well with her own. They stood that way, unmindful of the actual gardens, the abundance of shrubs and flowers, all well tended and lush, sweet smells wafting all about them.
"Do you want to walk some more? Are you tired?"
"We're having this baby tonight." Mai set her mouth in a grim line and forged ahead. "You think she'd want to come out, right? It's got to be boring in there." She rubbed her abdomen. "Come on, baby, what's the hold up?"
Another hour passed. The sun vanished below the horizon, leaving a trail of bruises behind, as if its leave-taking was more akin to a beating. The sky recovered, the purples faded, replaced by a palette of blacks and deep blues, speckled with glowing dots of white.
As she was about to give up for the night and surrender to the call of a soft mattress and fresh sheets, Mai stopped abruptly, grabbing hold of Zuko's arm.
"Something's happening." Warm wetness soaked her undergarments and trickled down her legs. "My water broke, Zuko."
They exchanged a long look, their expressions mirroring each others, changing from relief to worry to terror, all within a few seconds.
"Let's get you inside. Finally, the wait is over."
Their wait had just begun.
~~~~0000~~~
Sixteen hours later, the following afternoon, Mai and Zuko welcomed their first child, a daughter. Feeling like a used towel, sodden and spent, her body trembling with exhaustion, Mai let her head fall back against the pile of pillows Zuko had arranged behind her. She watched through bleary eyes as the midwife handed the baby off to Zuko then busied herself with tending to Mai. He carried her as though she were a sea shell, delicate and breakable and achingly beautiful.
The look on his face brought tears to Mai's eyes. They stung. So she wiped them away and got herself under control.
"Do I get to see her?" She offered her husband a weak smile.
He inched his way to the head of the bed, fiddling with the baby's scarlet blanket before sitting down along its edge, placing the newborn in Mai's arms. She was beautiful, though Mai surmised every new parent saw only perfection. Their daughter had all her fingers and all her toes and eyes already shining with life, and a remarkable head of thick, black hair. Mai stared down at her, stared deep into gold eyes, and made silent promises, ones she hoped that she could keep.
I'll love you no matter what. I won't ignore who you are. I'll listen to you. I'll hear you.
The Fire Lady felt a strange constriction in her chest, a pressing on her heart; it was love blooming for the little creature she held in her arms, and the fear of ruining her too. The baby was untainted now, as innocent as she would ever be, unaware of the darkness that life could contain.
"Hey," Zuko whispered, his lips brushing her ear. "Are you all right?" He pushed aside a few strands of damp, ebony tresses that clung to Mai's neck.
"You try breathing through contractions, clenching your jaw and pushing for sixteen hours and then ask me that again." He looked so aghast that Mai reached up with one hand and stroked his cheek. "I'm okay, just so, so tired."
Her breasts throbbed too and the infant began to squirm a bit in her arms.
"She'll be hungry, my lady."
Zuko and the midwife looked at Mai expectantly. Was she supposed to magically know what to do? Katara had made breastfeeding look so simple and Kya took to it immediately, never missing a beat. Self conscious, she placed the baby on her lap and moved her simple tunic aside, exposing one breast. She lifted her daughter once more and positioned her as she'd seen Katara do with Kya.
The infant, she really needed a name, tried to latch on, failed and then began to cry. Frustrated, Mai tried once more, rubbing her nipple along the baby's lower lip. She was too busy howling to take notice. Mai held her close for a moment, attempting to soothe her.
"I don't know what to do," she declared, glancing between Zuko and the midwife.
"It will get easier. Try her again in a few minutes. Eventually she'll be hungry enough to figure it out. Get some rest if you can. Drink lots of water. I'll came back early in the morning to check on you."
With those words, the midwife left and Zuko and Mai were alone with their daughter.
"I don't know what to do," she repeated before closing her eyes and drifting off.
~~~~0000~~~~
Her nap was a brief one. A parade of visitors, wavering between unrepressed joy, Iroh and Tom-Tom, subdued interest, her parents, and pride, her Uncle, made their way in and then out of her room, cooing and laughing and fussing and frowning. Mai appreciated their well wishes and their affection and their concern, but she needed more sleep. And Zuko did too.
Once they had all gone, Mai attempted to feed the baby again. This time, she drank for a few minutes before falling asleep, her fists tight, her lips moving in time to some dream perhaps.
"Thank Agni," Mai sighed. "I thought she would never eat." She tucked the baby in beside her while Zuko crawled up on the other side of the bed. "Let's sleep."
They managed an hour and a half before Miyako, that was the name they decided on as slumber dragged them both down, awoke crying. Mai fed her again, for longer this time. The nurse they had hired, a brisk, efficient woman, knocked and entered a few minutes later, scooping up Miyako and changing her diaper before ordering food and drink for both Mai and Zuko.
Mai was both glad to see the woman and upset that they needed her services at all. She didn't want to be a typical noblewoman, foisting the care of her children off onto someone else, parading them about when it suited, never getting her hands dirty. What was the point of that? But a little help right now was all right. She was so exhausted and weak feeling and feeding Miyako was about all she could manage.
It's just for the first few weeks; until I adjust and get back on my feet and figure things out.
The food arrived and Mai sat up in bed. Zuko pulled a chair close and they ate, both trying not to gobble everything down. Nearby in her bassinet, Miyako rested fitfully, tiny legs kicking. Zuko was transfixed by their daughter, sneaking glances at her every few seconds.
"We have a baby girl. How incredible is that?" He put a hand atop Mai's. "I'm so happy, Mai, and so terrified." Zuko gave her an admiring look. "I don't know how you did it, how any woman does. You were incredible. You are incredible."
Her husband's words buoyed Mai and she felt a spark of life return. Leaning over she kissed his lips, tasting chicken and spices. They were so warm and she wanted to stay like that forever, she and Zuko, lips joined, heat seeping between their bodies. But that couldn't be so Mai pulled away, smiled at Zuko and finished her meal.
Everyone had told her that the pain would become a distant memory as soon as her child entered the world. That Katara and Suki had been right about. Mai could hardly recall the agonizing sixteen hours of labour. She ached, yes, and predicted that walking about would not be easy for a few days. But that was a mere shadow of the pain she had experienced during labour. Funny how the mind could wash things away, good or bad, leaving holes where those experiences once resided; in this case, it was a good thing.
"I don't know how I did it either, Zuko." Mai shook her head. "Guess I had no choice."
~~~~0000~~~~
The rest of the afternoon, evening and night passed in a haze of interrupted sleep. Mai awoke after sunrise, Zuko already gone. She could hear him in the bath and suddenly the need to submerge her own body in cleansing hot water almost overwhelmed Mai. She eased herself out of the bed and checked on Miyako. Sensing her presence, the infant's eyes opened. Mother and daughter locked gazes, sizing each other up.
"Well," Mai began. "I thought you would never arrive." Reaching into the bassinet, Mai rested her hand on Miyako's tummy, rubbing gently. "But here you are." She lowered her voice. "We love you, Miyako, so much already, more than I could ever try to explain. Bear with me, all right. I'm new to all this."
Mai heard Zuko leave the bathroom and turned to face him. Naked but for a towel, he strode toward her, smiling dopily, high on new fatherhood.
"Did you want to take a bath? Will you be all right? I can call for the nurse or one of the servants."
"I'll manage. Just watch Miyako and maybe see about some breakfast."
Taking slow, measured steps, Mai managed the journey to the bathroom. She refilled the tub with scalding water and lowered herself with care, sighing once her body was immersed up to her shoulders. The heat felt wonderful and all her aches eased a bit. Resting her head against the edge of the huge tub she closed her eyes. Unbidden tears fell. Confused, Mai scrubbed her face, trying to get rid of whatever had upset her. Nothing seemed quite right and her mind was a labyrinth of jumbled thoughts and emotions.
"I'll feel better in a day or two," she told herself, hoping the words were prophetic. "Everything will be fine. It will."
She slid down the tub wall, dunking her head, blocking out all sound, trying to block out her dark thoughts. But she had to emerge eventually, and emerge she did, taking a huge gulp of air, breathing raggedly, her face dripping bathwater and tears once again.