Chapter 1: Green Hair and Hobbitness
The TV turns on.
It is remarkable that this TV turns on at all, as there is no one in the room. The location of said TV is also strange, as it is nowhere. But still, it is my duty to report that this strange TV in the far away country of Nowhere remarkably turns on.
Nowhere is somewhere, but, my dear reader, that is a story for another day.
CNN News Report Live From Los Angeles
A reporter appears on the screen of this nowhere TV, straight-faced as all reporters are. This un-rapturous reporter is reportedly reporting a repugnant report.
"And now for today's top news story," he starts. "A little short man with a curly neon green afro, reportedly riding a polar bear, has taken over New York City. Residents are asked to stay calm and to evacuate immediately. Beware of midgets."
How anyone could report this strange report with a straight face is beyond me. Perhaps this is why he is the reporter and I am just the sad reporter of his report.
The channel is flipped.
Again the source of this channel flipping is lost in this strange nothingness of Nowhere-land. How nothing could manage to flip television channels is beyond me, for as far as I am concerned, nothing has no fingers with which to push buttons on a TV or on a remote. But, I guess, nothing could change channels as the nothing is nowhere so the TV is nothing so the remote is nothing and nothing ever happened. But, one can only wish that is the explanation for this strange occurrence.
Live From New Zealand
New Zealand is, of itself a strange place, though it is not fortunate enough to be the strange mysterious place called nowhere.
"Midgets are taking over the world. SWIM FOR YOUR LIVES!"
Hmmm…so much for straight-faced reporting reporters.
The channel is flipped once again.
Live From London, England
"Countries from around the world have fallen to the wrath of the little people. These midgets call themselves Hobbits." The (remarkably un-straight-faced) reporter on the TV starts giggling like a rather strange girl. "Hobbit, schmobbit, bobbit, poppet." (Though, I think, his intellectual capabilities are far stranger that his rather girly laugh.)
He looks up at the other reporter in the room (who is reportedly female).
"Ello Poppet," he slobbers at her.
She stands up, looking grossed out (again, so much for straight-faced reporters, though I can't really blame her for looking like this in the presence of this strange, unintelligent, girly man). "In your dreams fat boy."
The other reporter's lips start quivering. He starts bawling. (Rather emotional, this one.) Gigantic hands reach into the room and pull the male reporter out.
He starts screaming. "No, no, you're messing up my manicure," he shrieks out, causing quite a disturbance to the listeners to this insane broadcast and myself, the one who is unfortunate enough to be relaying this inane, senseless tale for the amusement of yourself, dear reader.
As for the manicure of this reportedly male reporter, why he would have a manicure is beyond me. If you wish to know you should ask him…though I warn you he might not be totally coherent. He is just a couple of words on (figurative) paper after all and no author can really be responsible for all of his/her characters' actions. Nevertheless, these strange giant hands succeed in pulling this now-incoherent reporter out of his…reporting…room, though not without sustaining some damage to said manicured fingernails.
Then there is appreciated silence, as there, strangely, always is after a series of strange, shrieking stages. The female reporter looks as if Christmas came a few months early (which, as I have unfortunately found out is never a good idea). "My hero," she shrieks.
She rushes up to do the ever-required "mu mu mu mu mu" part to her rescuer, but finds herself looking down at a snarl of brilliantly neon green hair.
She screams.
The TV suddenly goes black.
A creepy voice starts talking.
"All survivors are asked to evacuate immediately to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. For directions please see……"
A scream issues from out of the TV.
As it is my duty to relay these strange occurrences to you, the reader, I also feel it is my duty to warn you from eating or drinking while reading this insane tale. I am not responsible for choking/eye watering/laughing fits/ coughing fits/etc. while you are in the vicinity of this stupidity. Now, don't say I didn't warn you, but by now I think it is already too late.