Of Course by nabooangel
Of course. Of course I watch him when he's asleep, when his chest rises and falls, when his face is calm, when his lids are down. When he breathes and fills his lungs with every life there is in the room. When his mind is somewhere in the meadow, between toys, babbling of children and me. When he protects and recovers himself, wrapped in the sheets, afraid of the day that is out there to come.
I'm scared too.
Sometimes, that's the part of the day I like the most. It is difficult to me to finally admit it, even if only to myself. My heart slowly dies, as I think of it. But the truth is this. That he's not he same. Not the same boy I knew on Tatooine, the one who called me Angel (it's been so long since he's called me that). I miss his gentle kisses on my temples and his whispered words (the same he rustled to me on Geonosis), when he thought I was sleeping already. I miss his jokes, when he talked like Master Yoda and made me clutch my belly slightly even when I was pregnant or in a very important meeting (discussing the salvation of the universes, my lady is!). I miss his fingers softly caressing our babies, how he used to play with my belly button (this is their source of food. It is not to be made fun of!) and how he tickled it. I miss his hand firmly clasped in mine, when I went with him to the Temple (Ani, you'll have to explain me later how no one seems to care if we're holding hands or not.). I miss him gazing deeply into my eyes, as I marveled myself flying through those blue sky-like orbs, as we said nothing and everything between a blink of an eye. I miss his sudden visits between missions, when his sand haired head peaked from the door of my office, when all I could see was work but he came and made my day worth.
I can't really understand what he is passing through. It probably is something big… Something that is causing him a lot of pain, making his inside twirl and swallow. But I can't do anything if when he gets home he tears a vase apart and goes immediately for a walk, for the Force sake!
He looks so peaceful.
Even his face seems to glow as he did when the twin suns hit his brown skin, back on Tatoinne. Calm days, those were.
Some may not call them calm but the truth is I hadn't the burden of a forbidden marriage on my shoulders and a secret child on my belly.
Not that I regret at all. I'm sure these will be the better things I've ever done in my entire life, even having been Queen and Senator. But I often think how my days would be lived if I hadn't met Ani. How I'd wake up without his face gazing at me from the pillow beside me, how I'd grin without his smiles, how I'd do my job without the perspective of him waiting from me in bed, how I'd get through this life without his strong presence always around me.
I try to imagine how my life would be if my name wasn't Padmé Naberrie Amidala Skywalker. But I can't.
A/N – just something I had buried under something. In a file in my computer. And it was better than I'd hoped for as I read it another time. Anyhow I just thought I'd post it. To get some opinions. In reviews.