"Have you ever lost yourself in a kiss? I mean pure psychedelic inebriation. Not just lustful petting but transcendental metamorphosis when you became aware that the greatness of this being was breathing into you. Licking the sides and corners of your mouth, like sealing a thousand fleshy envelopes filled with the essence of your passionate being and then opened by the same mouth and delivered back to you, over and over again—the first kiss of the rest of your life. A kiss that confirms that the universe is aligned, that the world's greatest resource is love, and maybe even that God is a woman. With or without a belief in God, all kisses are metaphors decipherable by allocations of time, circumstance, and understanding."
―Saul Williams

Rey hadn't thought being a part of the Resistance would mean signing her life away to the whims of male desire. She hadn't thought it would be more of a prison cell than her life on Jakku; so when she is handed the key, she is unsure why she does not immediately run. She is also unsure why she doesn't hate the other side as much as she used to. Maybe things are changing after all.
REYLO endgame/implied Poe/Rey and Rey/Han. Rated E for rape/dub-con and violence.

See end of chapter for more notes :D

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Part I
The Resistance
"Sometimes, even to live is an act of courage."
—Seneca

Being a part of the Galactic Resistance is nothing like Rey had imagined it.

As a little girl, abandoned and alone on Jakku, she'd imagined becoming a pilot and joining the Resistance to fight against the villainous First Order. As the years passed, and her family didn't come for her, joining the Resistance became an escape to her.

And she had.

She'd scavenged and traded and bartered until she could find all the parts she needed to fix up a small X-wing that had recently crashed near her old AT-AT, and then flew the hell out of there.

She'd flown to Takodana, where she'd heard rumours of Resistance sympathisers—once there, it had only taken her a little while to convince them to take her back to the base with them.

And that's where the problems started.

She was told that the only way women contributed to the Resistance was by making sure the men had a way to blow off steam at night. Even Leia Organa, a princess in her own right, and one of the only influential women on the base, was only heard because she had once drawn General Solo's attention, and somehow managed to keep it.

Of course, had she known this was what the Resistance would be like, Rey doesn't think she would have left Jakku to join them. Jakku was an absolute hell, but at least they didn't make her prostitute herself for food and board. They'd taken her ship from her when she arrived, so she couldn't even leave anymore.

She had little choice but to do as they demanded.

The first man she had to bed—the first man she ever bedded—was a pilot named Poe. He was nice, and he smiled a lot; he even offered to just let her spend the night, without sex of any kind, when he realised she was a virgin and that she didn't really want to do anything with him.

She'd almost taken him up on that offer, but then she'd remember that the next day, she'd be in another man's bed, and that man might not be as kind to her as Poe would be—she'd rather lose her virginity to him, knowing she had at least a small chance of enjoying herself, than to one of the other male pigs that roamed the Resistance base.

And so she had let him take her, and she had, at least, enjoyed it a little bit. He'd been very gentle, and he'd made sure that she came too, before he took his own pleasure. In the days and weeks that followed, she learned all too fast that a man like Poe Dameron was a rarity.

She loathed most of the men on the base, ignored most of the women—there were far too many who liked bragging about their numerous conquests, including the married men, and the officers—and tried to keep to herself. Every evening during dinner, she'd be told which of the men had requested her, and where she'd be expected to show up after she finished her meal.

She'd be informed of what would be expected of her once she entered the bedroom—and some of the men liked positively horrible things; one liked to degrade and demean her, and another liked it when she pretended he was raping her.

(To her, that didn't feel much like pretending.)

They're not all horrible, of course. She has some men that she doesn't mind so much, after a while, and some that she even likes having sex with.

Poe, of course, is one of them—he doesn't even want her to sleep with him every time he requests her. There's been plenty of instances where he'd just ask for her company and conversation; where he'd just hold her throughout the night.

She likes those nights.

Fortunately, there's others too, even amongst the higher ranking officers. A few of the other pilots are also kind to her, and while most aren't very good at making her feel comfortable enough to actually take her own pleasure in their encounters, she does prefer those to the ones where she spends hours in the 'fresher afterwards.

She hates the situation, and she hates that she has to do this—but she doesn't hate everyone she has to do it with.

Not anymore, at least.

She knows that Poe—the kind, sweet man that he is—had tried to request her on a permanent basis; but it seemed she'd attracted too much attention from the men higher up in the hierarchy. None of them were willing to let a lowly pilot take their newest, shiniest toy from them.

And so she was passed from man to man, her feeling of disgust and self-loathing growing with every man that spilled himself inside of her.

Of course, she's not one to dwell on things she knows she cannot change—she's strong, and she doesn't need anyone to take care of her, but she's no fool. She's well aware that the things she does to survive don't define her.

It's not who she is.

So she doesn't fight it; she doesn't cry, and she doesn't try to steal an X-wing to get away—it's not like she has anywhere to go anyway. She simply goes through the motions and goes on a mandated weekly check-up at the med-bay, lets them replace the birth control chip every three months, and goes to bed with a different man every night.

It goes on like that for nearly a year before Princess Leia requests her presence—at first, Rey fears that it is because Han Solo seems to have taken a liking to her; he's requested her several times, and no woman likes the girl their husband is sleeping with.

"You're afraid of me," the elder woman observes as Rey sits before her in her cleanest shirt and trousers, though her boots are horribly worn, almost as though the thought amuses her.

Rey doesn't speak, and simply stares at the tips of her boots, waiting for the woman to tell her why she's been summoned.

"As you may know," Leia finally says, "my husband sent Poe Dameron out on a very sensitive mission to acquire some potentially game-changing information."

Rey nods—Poe had told her all about it on his last night on base. He had requested her company for the night, and the request had been granted—she supposes that the higher-ups wouldn't begrudge him his choice of woman on the eve before a big mission—and she had once again found herself in his arms.

He'd offered to just have a drink together, and to talk—but she was so grateful for him and his kindness, she'd just wanted to make him feel cherished and loved, as he had done for her so many times. She'd used every little trick she'd learned over the past few months and made him pant and whine until he begged her; and for the first time, she hadn't felt filthy after they'd finished.

She remembers wondering if that's what love is supposed to feel like.

"Yes," she finally replies, "I know. Is he back?"

Leia's expression darkens, and Rey's stomach drops. "I'm afraid," the woman hesitates, "that he's been captured. We've no update on his status, but we are prepared for the worst."

Rey feels sick to her stomach, and she has to struggle not to burst into tears in front of the Princess. It feels surreal to think that Poe may be dead; he'd been so kind, and sweet to her, and she had come to count on his presence on the base. "Why am I here?" She rasps, unable to really hide how deeply the news had hit her.

"He was captured on Jakku," Leia says primly, "it seems he was able to secure the information we were looking for in his droid. Its last known location was not far from Niima Outpost—"

"—which is where I used to live," Rey finishes, immediately realising where this talk is going. "You want me to find it for you." She snorts unattractively and leans back, crossing her arms over her chest. "Why would I do that? The Resistance took so much from me—why would I help you now?"

Leia winces and nods slightly. "I'm aware of what they've made you do, Rey, and I'm sorry. Unfortunately, it is the only way things work right now. I was in your position once—and I made the best of it. I used the situation to my advantage, so I can still fight for what I believe is right. I'm asking you to do the same."

She can't rightfully argue with the woman, and reluctantly nods her head in response.

And that is how, two hours later, she finds herself in an X-wing, on her way back to Jakku, while a little voice in her head tells her she's certifiably insane for helping the people that turned her into nothing more than a common whore.

She sighs as she prepares to enter hyperspace, and leans back in the slightly uncomfortable seat.

Unfortunately, the little voice is right.

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Notes:

I don't know where this came from! Like seriously, I was writing something else, and then suddenly this came out :D Anyway, leave me a quick note, tell me what you thought of my little dive into the trash heap-will likely be updated once a week or something.

Not too sure yet.

Thanks to Meaghan (Juulna on A03) for beta'ing, listening to me rambling and being absolutely stupid about this little piece of crap :D

Thanks for reading! I love you guys! :D

Love, Annaelle