Ninja Turtle Baby Sitting Service
This isn't really a cross-over, but Johnny No Thumbs is from an episode of Golden Girls. He was a mobster who sold sandwiches to construction workers. Most of the pop culture references are just whatever I've been listening to at the time of the writing and not too much should be read into Leonardo's liking of the Charlie Daniels' Band.
APRIL'S APARTMENT
There is static for a few seconds and then we see Michelangelo's face.
Michelangelo: Hey, this thing still works. Must be the Japanese craftsmanship.
April comes out of her bedroom, looking dressy. Donatello whistles at her. He, Leonardo and Raphael are watching a travelogue about Italy.
Leonardo: This woman's voice is so comforting. She makes me want to take a nap.
Raphael: This is boring. How many vineyards can one country have?
April: I'm going out. My friend Susan needs a babysitter.
Donatello: There should be a place that women can dump their babies when they go to a club, like a coat check. Like in that scary Ludacris video.
April: I thought maybe you guys could help her out.
Donatello: A baby? Here?
Michelangelo throws the camera onto a table and jumps across the room.
Michelangelo: A baby! That would be awesome.
Leonardo: You're going out?
April: Yeah.
Raphael: No, she was going to watch PBS with us dressed like that.
Leonardo: Who are you going with?
April: Just Susan.
Donatello: A baby… Susan might notice that we aren't human.
April: I'll go get the baby and bring it back here.
Leonardo: Where are you going?
April: I don't know. A club that she found the other day. I don't know the name.
Leonardo: Where is this club?
April: I didn't ask.
Leonardo: Will there be drinking?
April: Yes, mom.
Donatello: Won't Splinter be expecting us home?
Raphael: Call him and tell him we're busy.
April: What's up with you, Don?
Michelangelo is checking brownies that are in the oven.
Michelangelo: Donny's afraid of babies.
Leonardo: Let's watch Lost in Translation.
Raphael: Let's just watch paint dry. I'm gone.
Michelangelo: Wait, don't you want any brownies?
Raphael: Save me some.
Raphael jumps out the window. Donatello sticks his head out the window after him.
Donatello: Don't leave me!
Leonardo: Don, get back in here!
Michelangelo: Uh, oh.
He switches off the camera.
SEWER TUNNEL
We see a random wall and hear Raphael's voice off screen.
Raphael: Okay, I bought a camera of my own out of the back of Johnny No Thumbs' truck the other day. The guy thinks I work for a carnival. Poor bastard. Anyway, I'm going to try to buy a social security card off him so I can try to open a bank account. Then we won't have to use April's bank card anymore. She doesn't know that I have the PIN number. So this is sort of an important mission. Most importantly, Splinter doesn't know that I have April's PIN number. I'm almost at the rendezvous point.
APRIL'S APARTMENT
The camera points at a baby in a car seat. A turtles fingers reach in and tickle the baby.
Leonardo: Aren't babies a miracle?
Donatello: Can you turn the carseat around? I can still see it.
Michelangelo: I hope it poops its diaper soon. I've never changed a diaper before.
Leonardo: Well, we'll let you have the honors.
Donatello: This is a total waste of time! We should be training!
Leonardo: Do you want me to sneak a Benadryl into your food again, Don?
Michelangelo: Anybody know where Raph went?
Leonardo: Do we ever know where he goes?
Michelangelo: I have a theory…
Donatello: Is that thing male or female?
Leonardo: Uh…
Leonardo's fingers reach for the baby and Michelangelo tastefully turns the camera away.
Leonardo: Is that a girl?
Michelangelo: Looks like. Seems like it would be packing heat if it was a boy.
Donatello: You two sound like idiots just now.
Michelangelo: Anyway, I think that Raph has a wife and six kids and he has to go see them every couple of days. You know, like those airline pilots who have a family in every time zone.
Leonardo: Huh.
Donatello: You mean, Raph's been getting laid?
Michelangelo: Gross!
Leonardo: It was immaculate conception?
Michelangelo: Maybe it's like Leda and the swan.
Leonardo: So Raph married blind woman and then she laid six eggs?
Michelangelo: Yeah. We have six nieces and nephews somewhere.
Leonardo: You know, I don't understand why Splinter encourages creativity in you if this is the use it's put to.
SPARKLE ROOM CLUB
Raphael is spying on a night club, from behind a garbage can.
Raphael: This is the place. I need to get into the back room somehow. Shouldn't be a problem. Johnny No Thumbs said he would send that goon Bald Tony to meet me out here. Wait a sec…
April is standing in the line for the door with her friend Susan. Raphael pulls out his phone and types a text message, giggling. There is a pause and April's phone beeps. She reads the message and looks around, panicking. She excuses herself from Susan and approaches Raphael's garbage can.
Raphael: Oops.
Raphael moves to retreat, but reconsiders and moves into the shadows, leaning against the wall, waiting.
April: What are you doing here? And yes, I'm wearing panties.
Raphael: What am I doing here? What are you doing here?
April: I'm going to drink, dance and hang out with Susan. What are you doing here?
Bald Tony: Is that you, Raphael?
Raphael: Aw, fuck.
Bald Tony is a short, nonthreatening man who has to bend backwards to look into Raphael's face.
April: Hey, who are you?
Bald Tony: Who are you?
Raphael: This is… my wife… May.
Bald Tony: Did you two meet at the carnival?
Raphael: Yeah, she used to be the bearded lady. Did Johnny No Thumbs bring the THING?
April feels of her chin.
Bald Tony: It's in the back. Johnny has some business to discuss with you first.
Raphael: I told him that I'm welching because I could kill him and all that.
Bald Tony: He says he'd like to renegotiate the deal.
Raphael pulls out a sai and flips it in the air.
Raphael: Lead the way then. I think Susan's waiting for you. I'll send your regards to Johnny.
April: I'm not letting you see this Johnny No Thumbs by yourself.
Bald Tony: Your wife has your best interests at heart.
Raphael: My wife? Listen to me, woman! You're going home! There's washing and cleaning to do! So get your skanky ass back home and make my dinner!
April looks unmoved. Bald Tony turns around to lead the way to Johnny No Thumbs and Raphael mouths an apology at April. They follow Bald Tony.
SPARKLE ROOM CLUB BACK ROOM
April and Raphael follow Bald Tony into the back room. April pulls her phone out and begins dialing.
APRIL'S APARTMENT
Leonardo is burping the baby and lightly bouncing up and down to Britney Spears. Donatello answers Leonardo's phone.
Donatello: Ninja Turtle Baby Sitting Service.
April: How's Emily?
Donatello: It has a name? I mean, fine. Leo's dancing around to Britney Spears. It's like a waking nightmare.
April: Well, that's good. I'm here with Raph. He's…
Raphael: We're good. We're going to a movie. Very girlie. Jennifer Lopez. Yeah.
April: I'll call you back if things get out of hand.
Donatello hangs up.
SPARKLE ROOM CLUB BACK ROOM
April puts her phone away.
April: Don's in a bad mood. Did Leo slip him another Benadryl?
Raphael slips the camera to April, who stuffs it in her pocket. The screen goes black.
Johnny: Hello again, Ralph.
Raphael: It's Raph.
Johnny: I've been considering your generous offer to kill me if I try to collect on your numerous debts.
April: You've been to a loan shark?
Raphael: You thought I got my money on a paper route or something?
Johnny: I realized that I have thugs with guns so I'd like you to put up some money. I'm fair, so I don't need the whole amount. Only about 80%.
Raphael: Well, for your information… uh… what you don't know is…
April: You suck!
Raphael: Don't help me, April.
Johnny: Hey, that cut me deep. Alright, you've chosen the hard way. Bald Tony, take care of them.
Bald Tony: Hey, what's that in her pocket?
Johnny: I told you to frisk them!
Bald Tony: I tried, but he threatened to nut me again.
Raphael: I didn't want to do it, since last time I had to get down on one knee to reach all the way down there.
April pulls the camera out of her pocket and hands it to Bald Tony. The camera traverses the room and we can see that it is filled with packing boxes and storage. Johnny No Thumbs looks into the lens. He is an intensely ugly man.
Johnny: I started as a lowly sandwich vendor in Miami and then grew my business to New York City. I can always spot talent and would like to hire you, Ralph.
Raphael: No thanks. The carnival is dangerous enough. Because of the… you know… stampede potential and all. And I've got places to be tonight, so just stand still and let me kick your collective asses. April, get behind me.
April: No.
Johnny: Zippo!
The camera pivots to reveal a man hiding behind a box. Raphael kicks him without moving from the spot he was standing.
Johnny: Bald Tony, take Zippo's name off the mailing list for the newsletter. You've failed me, Zippo.
Raphael knocks out Bald Tony with one hit.
Raphael: Bye, Johnny.
He grabs his camera back from Johnny, takes April by the arm, and marches out into the alley.
APRIL'S APARTMENT
Emily is crying. Michelangelo is trying to rock the baby, while Leonardo stands behind him, looking worried. Donatello scurries past, trying to leave the area quickly.
Leonardo: Maybe you should put something soft behind her head. I bet that gap where her skull stops must hurt her brain.
Michelangelo: I don't think that's it. Did anybody see any baby formula in her bag?
Donatello: Just give it some of Raph's moonshine. Maybe that'll keep it quiet.
Leonardo: Don, you're being mean. Like, Raph mean.
Donatello: Sorry. Babies freak me out. I don't know what it is. I think it's because I saw some pictures online of a baby skeleton. They look like Roswell aliens. They have gigantic eyeholes and then huge craniums. Plus, they look at you and they know what's going on, but they don't talk back. It's creepy.
Michelangelo: Here, hold her.
Donatello: Ugh. No.
Michelangelo: You'll love it. Smell her head.
Leonardo shakes his head and begins making up a bottle.
Leonardo: Do you think that Raph could ever really raise kids. I know this discussion is going to give me nightmares, but I was wondering what you guys thought.
Donatello: He'd probably sell them.
Michelangelo: Aw, you guys don't give him enough credit. I'm sure he'd be a great dad. I think we'd all be great dads. Except you, Don.
Donatello: This is a stupid conversation. Like any of us will ever have kids anyway.
Michelangelo: What if the mutagen accidentally made some female turtles somewhere?
Leonardo: That would be awesome.
Donatello: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Do you know the odds of that?
Emily is still crying. Michelangelo bounces her and cuddles her.
Michelangelo: We should tell Master to come over. He might have an idea.
Donatello picks up a phone and dials a number.
Donatello: Hello, Master Splinter. April forced us to babysit and we said no because we knew it would violate the laws of the ninja and invisibility and stuff… It's a girl… Emily… yeah that is a cute name. How do we make it stop crying? She just had a bottle. Mike changed the diaper three times in an hour. How much do we hold her?
Leonardo takes the baby from Michelangelo.
Leonardo: We've been holding her since she got here.
Donatello: Do we let her sleep at all? Well, no, I wouldn't like to be picked up every time I got to sleep either. Well, we sound stupid, if you put it like that. Thanks, Master.
Leonardo puts Emily back in her car seat.
SEWER TUNNEL
April is holding the camera and watching Raphael's back while he walks in front of her.
April: You're buying me new shoes after this. Again.
Raphael: Where'd you park your van?
April: I didn't take the van. I was trying to look worldly and sophisticated, so I took the subway.
Raphael: Cool. Well, we'll have to walk all the way to Queens then.
April: Queens! What are you doing there?
Raphael: That's where I'm going to get the social security card. See, Johnny No Thumbs' guy Zippo had the address on him. I swiped it before we left when I gave him that final kick for dramatic effect. I grabbed it between my toes. Leo thinks it's gross, but it's come in handy. This is the place where they process the cards.
April: I don't think you need me anymore. I'll just go back home.
Raphael: Okay, suit yourself.
April turns around and walks back down the dark tunnel. She stops and the camera looks down two identical passageways. She turns around and walks back towards Raphael, who hasn't moved.
Raphael: I thought you'd like to tag along.
April: Shut up.
APRIL'S APARTMENT
A late night talk show is on. There is bawdy laughter from the crowd. Leonardo covers Emily's ears. She is asleep in her car seat.
Leonardo: I don't think little ears should be hearing this.
Michelangelo: Hahahaha! The President looks like he has hemorrhoids!
Donatello: Ugh.
There is a knock on the door. A female voice calls out on the other side of the door. Michelangelo picks up the camera and hides across the room.
Donatello: Thanks a lot, Mike.
Michelangelo: I have to protect the camera at all costs.
Susan: Hello! April! I didn't see you! What happened?
Leonardo and Donatello frantically whisper and slap at each other. Donatello makes a motion as if proposing to knock Susan unconscious. Leonardo shakes his head. He approaches the door and speaks in a squeaky, high pitched voice.
Leonardo: I'm not here. Come back later.
Donatello groans.
Susan: Are you mad at me? And what's wrong with your voice. How's Emily?
Leonardo: Oh, Emily's fine. So fine, in fact, that I'd like to keep her here all night. A girl's night, you know.
Donatello stamps his foot in a silent temper tantrum.
Susan: Well, I could use the extra sleep.
Leonardo: I know. You work so hard. We'll just do girl things like…
He snaps his fingers at the others for ideas. They just stare at him.
Leonardo: Braid each others' hair and watch Shirley Temple movies.
Susan laughs.
Susan: Okay, April. What's up with your voice? I don't want her to stay if you're sick.
Leonardo: Oh, you know. I just screamed myself hoarse at that club tonight.
Susan: You were there? I didn't see you.
Leonardo: Uh, well. I went to Club Ambrosia. Where were you?
Susan: But we were waiting in line and you went into that alley with that guy in the trench coat. If I didn't know better, I'd have thought you were doing a drug deal or something.
Donatello: (whispering) She's with Raph.
Leonardo: Oh, that was my ex-boyfriend. He's so… cute… and rich… I couldn't resist. Sorry. We'll go out next time.
Michelangelo: This is wrong on so many levels.
Susan: Alright. Have fun. Can I see my Emily first?
Leonardo: What? Oh, she just got to sleep and if you come in here she'll wake up…
Donatello: Just get rid of her.
Susan: Do you have a man in there?
Leonardo: No!
Susan: (laughing) That's okay. I get it. Just have fun, whatever you're doing.
There is the sound of footsteps as Susan leaves.
Michelangelo: April's out partying with Raph! Without us! And she sticks us with the baby! Raph gets to have all the fun.
Donatello: Thanks a lot, Leo. Now we're stuck with that thing all night.
Leonardo: Do you even hear yourself?
Donatello: Did you just hear yourself? You sounded like RuPaul.
Michelangelo: So whose hair do we braid first?
SEWER TUNNEL
April is pointing the camera at her feet.
Raphael: Hurry up, April.
April: I can't.
Raphael: Come here.
The camera jostles as Raphael puts her on his back to carry her. Raphael swings back and forth to get his bearings.
April: You know, your shell isn't very comfortable. Are we close yet?
Raphael: About halfway.
April: I expected to spend tonight dancing with my friend and possibly attracting male attention. But instead, I'm being carried through a sewer drain all the way to Queens and back to buy an illegal social security card from a mobster named Johnny No Thumbs.
Raphael: It must be an awful disappointment.
April: Well, not disappointing so much as a typical example of how any normalcy just falls apart. Whenever I want to do anything normal, I end up attacked by robotic cats or else my friends are kidnapped by aliens and beamed to another planet.
Raphael: Well, I'm sorry that our alien abduction conflicted with your social calendar.
April: Just forget it.
APRIL'S APARTMENT
Michelangelo is arm wrestling with Leonardo while Donatello stares at the sleeping baby.
Leonardo: I don't want to go again.
Michelangelo: One more.
Leonardo: I've won ten times. I don't like you little ones being up after 1am.
Donatello: Why do you assume that we're younger?
Leonardo tiredly rubs his eyes.
Michelangelo: Yeah, I could be the oldest for all we know. We just appointed you the oldest. Why do you assume that I'm youngest?
Leonardo: Because you're short and irritating. That's why.
There is a loud knock at the door.
Donatello flaps his arms over the sleeping baby, as if to shield it from the sound. Leonardo approaches the door and Michelangelo takes a brownie and the camera and retreats across the room.
Leonardo: I'm not here. Come back later.
Johnny: I know you're a man, Raphael. That phony voice won't help.
Leonardo drops his fake April voice and reaches for his katanas.
Leonardo: Who are you and how do you know Raphael?
Donatello: Yeah, are you guys friends? (whispering to Leonardo) Don't work the guy up if he's friendly.
Johnny: He owes me both of his thumbs. He only has three fingers on each hand anyway, so sucks for him.
Leonardo: Why do you want his thumbs?
Johnny: Who is this? His butler?
Leonardo: I'm his brother.
Johnny: So this is Raphael O'Neil's address?
Leonardo: No, this is not Raphael's address. But I am his brother. You can conduct any of his business through me.
Johnny: I don't really care how I get my money. Let me in and we'll talk face to face. Are you a green carny freak like him too?
Leonardo: Uh…
Donatello: Yes, he has a congenital defect called Chelonia Syndrome. It affects males primarily and causes them to grow a large exoskeletal structure similar to a turtles shell and to have green pigmentation.
Johnny: Holy shit. How many of you are there?
Leonardo: Three.
Michelangelo instantly swings out onto the fire escape. He swings back into the room, grabs Emily's car seat and swings back outside again. He gingerly sets the car seat on the fire escape. He turns off the camera.
STREET IN QUEENS
Raphael puts the camera on the street as he helps April out of a manhole. April picks the camera up again. She directs the camera towards one of those cheap foreign money changing places.
Raphael: Johnny's office should be in this building here.
April: Looks pretty solid. How are we getting in?
Raphael immediately kicks the door down.
April: Silly me. Hey, Raph? Why did you get a camera in the first place?
Raphael: I don't know. I just like having my own stuff. Mike breaks things really quick.
April: And it's worth all this? Getting mixed up with a loan shark and everything?
Raphael: Hell yeah! Here it is.
They stop outside a dirty door that looks like the outside of a broom closet. Raphael forces the door open.
April: So you do this often? Breaking and entering?
Raphael: You're sounding like Leo.
April: Well, maybe somebody needs to.
APRIL'S APARTMENT
Michaelangelo is on the roof and is looking over the ledge with the camera. We can see light coming from April's window.
Leonardo: (again in a high-pitched voice) You should know that I am Raphael's sister Lupe. I have a seriously contagious disease and I'm under quarantine.
Johnny: I told you before that I can tell you're a man.
There is the sound of a door opening and Michelangelo drops down lower, leaving Emily on the roof. He waits until he hears the sound of footsteps and then rushes back into the window just in time to kick Zippo in the face.
Donatello: That was it?
Zippo and Johnny No Thumbs are lying unconscious on the floor.
Leonardo: Where's the baby?
Michelangelo: CRAP!
Michelangelo swings out the window, the camera flying in midair. A green hand catches it as it falls.
Michelangelo: Thanks, Don.
The camera is steadied and set on the ledge. Leonardo, Donatello and Michelangelo glance about for the baby, who is nowhere in sight.
Michelangelo: I lost Emily! I'm a horrible father!
Leonardo: Calm down. Panicking won't help. What could have happened? There must have been a look out on the roof or something.
Michelangelo: I don't think so. I was up here. I wouldn't have seen him.
Donatello: Maybe he saw you coming up and hid in the stairwell until you left.
Michelangelo: It doesn't matter how incompetent I am. We need to find her!
JOHNNY NO THUMBS' OFFICE
Raphael is happily trashing Johnny No Thumbs' office, while April watches and flinches when the larger furniture crashes to the floor.
April: How are we supposed to find the card in all this mess now?
Raphael pauses.
Raphael: Didn't think of that. Wait, let me look in the desk drawers before I throw it over.
Raphael pulls out a few desk drawers. He pulls out a blue card.
Raphael: Score! Raphael O'Neil is an official citizen. Well, not really.
April: O'Neil?
Raphael: Hey, Mikey's the creative one, remember.
April's phone rings. She places the camera on the desk.
Raphael: April?
April moves the camera onto a file cabinet.
April: Hello? What kind of slight problem? Missing! That's not a slight problem! Why was she on the roof? Who's Lupe?
There is a large crash.
April: That was Raph. He threw a desk. We're on our way.
April hangs up the phone and grabs the camera. Raphael has a computer printer held high over his head.
April: Emily's missing.
Raphael: Who's that?
April: Susan's baby.
Raphael drops the printer. April hands the camera to Raphael and then overturns the file cabinet.
April: That feels so much better.
They hurry out the door.
April: How are we going to get home? We can't walk. That'll take too long.
Raphael: What happened anyway?
April: He said two guys came by the apartment looking for you, saying you owed them money and he wanted to cut off your thumbs.
Raphael: Sounds like Johnny No Thumbs has her. But why? He doesn't seem terribly paternal.
April: Ransom maybe.
Raphael's phone rings. He checks the number.
Raphael: It's Johnny. (answers) Hey, No Thumbs. What's up? You have my daughter held hostage and you want your money back in exchange?
Raphael shrugs at April, who pantomimes crying.
Raphael: Oh, don't hurt my little Emily! She's the only thing that me and my hideous wife have left! After she shaved her beard, it's never been the same! How much do you want? My debt? Sure. Where do you want to meet? The pier? That's far. Where am I? Ah…
Raphael and April look around themselves at Johnny's trashed office.
Raphael: Hoboken. I drive fast. Sure we'll be there at four.
Raphael hangs up the phone.
Raphael: We need to come up with all the money I got from Johnny and meet him at that pier where that cargo ship hauling the circus elephants sank last year.
April: How much?
Raphael: I'd better tell the guys.
Raphael pulls out his phone but April takes it away.
April: How much?
Raphael: Only $5000.
April smashes the camera.
ROOF OF APRIL'S APARTMENT
Donatello is on his phone.
Donatello: $5000? What's April's PIN again? Does she have that much? How are we going to use the ATM without being seen on the security camera?
Leonardo: Smashing stuff works for me.
Donatello: She sounds like she's about to explode. Are you going to meet us at the pier? Good. See you soon.
Michelangelo bangs on the camera and the room seems to vibrate.
Michelangelo: I think the battery light is on.
The camera goes off.
APRIL'S VAN
Donatello is driving April's van, gripping the steering wheel very hard. Leonardo is in the front seat, fiddling with the radio.
Michelangelo: I don't know if we have clearance to use April's van. We already lost her friend's kid and we're about to take $5000 out of her bank account.
Donatello: I drove a flying car on that other planet. Remember when we were running from Triceratons? If I can fly an alien car while things are shooting at us, I can drive a van through New York City in the middle of the night. What's on the radio?
Leonardo samples a few radio stations.
Donatello: Let's listen to NPR.
Leonardo: Hey, Charlie Daniels Band.
Michelangelo: I hope that little baby is okay.
Leonardo: Fire on the mountain, run boys run… The devil's in the house of the rising sun… Don't do it, Johnny!
Michelangelo: Leo, how long has it been you got any sleep?
Leonardo: Twenty four hours at least.
The camera lurches as they rear end a car.
Michelangelo: Don!
Donatello: I'm sorry! That song's making me nervous!
Leonardo is laughing like a fiend.
Leonardo: This is terrible!
Donatello backs up and drives around the offended car, passing into the opposing lanes, which are deserted.
Leonardo: Where's April's bank?
Leonardo plays some loud club music.
Donatello: You're giving me an aneurism! Turn that down!
Leonardo: Hey, I'm in charge here. I can't stay awake otherwise.
Michelangelo: Where'd we get this spare camera battery?
Leonardo: Raph got it someplace. Here's the bank.
Donatello slows down as they pull up to the curb next to a parking meter.
Donatello: Do we have any change? What if we get a ticket?
Leonardo: We won't be here long enough. Who's taking care of the security camera?
Michelangelo: Don can do it.
Leonardo: Mikey can do it. Give me the camera.
Michelangelo sighs and hands the camera over to Leonardo.
Leonardo holds the camera up to his face. We can see Michelangelo and Donatello struggling to disable the security camera behind him.
Leonardo: I haven't used this camera and I know that the others have been using this like that camera on Big Brother. Well, I have better things to do. I'm trying to learn French and Tai Chi. I think it's important to always be improving your mind and body. To always be aware of your surroundings.
Behind him, Donatello throws his bo at the camera. It bounces ineffectively off the screen and lands out of his reach, still within the view of the operating camera.
Leonardo: In case Raph gets a hold of this, could you look up when the Charlie Daniels Band will be around? I'd like to find out so we can all sneak in.
Michelangelo impatiently pulls a katana out of Leonardo's holster and throws it at the security camera. It slices through.
Leonardo: Finally. Okay, you have April's card, right, Mike?
Michelangelo: This feels even more wrong than when you said that Raph was dating April, while you were impersonating her. Hey, wait. We can only get $200.
Donatello: Well, just take it and then we can pad it with paper and distract him from counting it.
Michelangelo: How?
Leonardo: I'm guessing it'll involve violence.
Michelangelo withdraws the money. Donatello retrieves his bo off the ground. Michelangelo reaches out for the camera.
Leonardo: I want to hold it for awhile. Why do you get it all the time?
Michelangelo: I'm more charismatic.
They get back into the van and drive off. Leonardo hums along to himself as he looks out the window with the camera. All we see are blurry images rushing past.
Donatello: Think April's murdered Raph yet?
Michelangelo: If not, then she's close to it.
Leonardo: We can't lay the blame entirely at Raphael's feet. Who left the baby on the roof? Who let a mobster into her apartment?
Michelangelo: You.
Leonardo: Excuse me? You left Emily on the roof and Don was the one who opened the door. Not me. Everybody's to blame here but me.
Donatello: Well, if you sounded more like a girl, then we could have gotten rid of that guy.
Michelangelo: There's no use blaming each other. Where's the pier?
Donatello: Right there. Why is there a sandwich van parked over there?
Leonardo focuses the camera sloppily at the sandwich van. There is a large plastic sandwich on top of the van. Raphael and April get out of the van. They park April's van and gather together on the pier. Leonardo waves the camera wildly as he walks, unsure of where to focus. He settles for some rather artistic footage of a seagull's feet.
Michelanglo: Nice wheels, Raph.
Raphael: I stole that bastard's sandwich truck. See if he ever sells another ham on rye when I'm through with it.
April: Leo, are you all right? You look a little… crazed.
Leonardo: Why does everybody keep asking me that? I feel fine.
Leonardo zooms shakily in and out from the sea gull's feet.
Donatello: I hope all this was worth it. I had to spend all night trapped in the same apartment with a baby. I may never be the same.
Raphael: It was. Look what I got.
There is a pause as Raphael hands something to Donatello. Leonardo instantly whips the camera around to whatever Raphael has just pulled out and he zooms in as far as the lens will allow.
Leonardo: Damn it! I can't see it.
Michelangelo takes the camera away from Leonardo.
Donatello is holding Raphael's new social security card.
Donatello: Who's Rachael O'Neil?
Raphael: Me. I mean… what…
Raphael reads the card. He grabs it, tears it into tiny pieces and scatters it into the bay.
April: What happened to my van!
Leonardo: Don't worry. Somebody will pound out the dent.
Raphael: I'll do it. I have the strong urge to beat something or someone with a sledge hammer.
A black SUV pulls up and Johnny No Thumbs, Bald Tony and Zippo all get out. Bald Tony is holding Emily in her car seat and she seems to be asleep.
Johnny: You'd better have my money. I had to change this kid's diaper and sing the Oompa Loompa song.
Bald Tony: I did that, sir.
Raphael: Yeah, we have your money. Just put the baby down and we'll make the trade.
Michelangelo hands the camera to April.
Johnny: You know, I don't quite feel like putting little Joanne down.
Leonardo: Joanne?
Johnny: That's what I've been calling her. I've grown quite attached to her. I might want to raise her myself.
Raphael has difficulty concealing his irritation. April prods him in the ribs. He puts on a sudden display of fake grief.
Raphael: My little Emily! Don't take my baby! I can't have any more kids! I made my wife get her tubes tied because I didn't want to take the chance that we could have babies as ugly as she is!
Johnny: May, why do you stay with this man?
April: Beats me.
Donatello: Look, we know that we're outnumbered, so you can save yourself the little speech about how we're probably feeling overconfident and that you have tricks up your sleeve. There's a guy behind that crate over there. There's a guy in the back of your SUV. The driver is still in there too. You have ten guys in that cargo crate over there and about seven in the boat. Just send them out, we'll beat them all up, take the baby and go home.
Johnny: GET THEM!
Emily fusses in her car seat and Johnny shushes her, rocking the car seat. All of his hidden minions rush out from their hiding places, yelling.
Johnny: Keep it down! You'll wake Joanne!
They all whisper threateningly and rush at the turtles. April runs to her van, the camera shaking. She jumps in the van and locks the doors. As soon as the doors are locked, a minion grabs her from the back seat. The camera flies into the minions face as she smashes it repeatedly against his head. It lands on the seat next to her, looking at the passenger window. Michelangelo tries the door handle and then smashes the window in with his nunchuck. He reaches in the open door, unlocks it, opens it and then pulls out the minion. April picks up the camera, holding it shakily as Michelangelo pummels the minion senseless. April kicks Michelangelo in the shin for breaking her van window. Michelangelo snatches his camera away and sets it on car hood as he rejoins the fight. Most of the minions have been disposed of and are floating around in the bay or unconscious on the dock. Donatello tosses Bald Tony over his head off the dock.
Johnny: I still don't have my money.
Raphael drops Zippo off the dock.
Leonardo: But you do have a baby. I think you've seen what we're capable of…
Donatello: Preposition…
Leonardo: What we're capable of doing and now just hand Emily over and we won't kill you or anything.
Johnny: That's not a very good offer.
Raphael grabs Johnny by the throat. Johnny tosses the car seat into the air. Donatello dives and catches it.
April: It's almost dawn. We'd better get her back before Susan gets home.
Raphael: I'll let you live. Mostly because my brothers are here and Leo'll nag me into infinity if I kill you. So get in that sandwich van and drive. And don't try to follow us. I had better not hear "Easter "Parade" on my turf.
Johnny: Damn canned kiddy music. I knew it would be my downfall. I warn you, this will not be the last time we meet.
Michelangelo zooms in at the sandwich van as it drives away playing "Camptown Races."
Leonardo: Here's your money, April.
Michelangelo is still focusing on the sandwich van as it drives away. There is a pause as April doesn't respond to Leonardo. Leonardo sighs.
Leonardo: And your bank card.
Raphael: You're changing your PIN aren't you?
April: Oh, yeah.
Donatello: I'm so sorry about crashing your van.
Leonardo: I'll find a way to replace the window. Please don't disown us!
April: Calm down, Leo. Are you crying?
Leonardo: My eyes hurt. I'm getting dizzy. Please take me home.
Michelangelo finally turns around to focus on the turtles and April. Raphael puts an arm around Leonardo.
Raphael: Don't worry. I'll sing you to sleep when we get into the van.
Leonardo: Please, no.
April: Leo, I would never disown you guys. Do you know how boring and normal my life was before I met all of you?
Raphael: I thought you liked it better that way.
April: Well, get in my van and I'll take you all home.
Michelangelo: Donny! You're holding Emily and you're not screaming or anything!
Donatello looks down at the car seat as if he'd forgotten he was holding it. He pulls the car seat up to his face and smells Emily's head. They all head wearily toward the van. Michelangelo directs the camera towards his face.
Michelangelo: Well, gentle viewers, that was a somewhat normal day in the life. April usually looks a lot hotter than she does now. She's pretty dirty and stinky. Anyway, I said before that I thought that Raph had a secret family and now I can prove it! That Johnny No Thumbs said that Emily is Raph's baby! That means he's married to that Susan woman. Well, goodnight internet-land. And I think the lesson to be learned here is that I'm always right. So never doubt me. And don't trust a guy named Johnny No Thumbs.
The camera goes black.
THE END
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