Warning: This story contains scenes about miscarriage and its after effects.
For Aufa.
Happy birthday.
Blessed are the hearts that can bend; they can never be broken.
- Albert Camus
It all starts with a scream piercing through the silence of the early morning.
Rick wakes up to the sight of his wife sat up in bed with her hand clutched against her abdomen, her face contorted in pain. He's beside her in seconds, his shaking hands on her shoulders as he figures out what is wrong. She can't even talk through the pain. When he sees the tears of agony in her eyes, he sprints towards the other side of the bed to grab his phone. He dials 911 as quick as he could while Kate tries to breathe through gritted teeth.
After he hangs up with the dispatcher, he returns beside his wife, helping her to lean back against the headboard. He tries to coax out an answer from her again as to what is happening but all she manages is a whimper.
He leaves her for a few seconds to unlock his front door and then returns quickly to his bedroom.
He wipes a hand against his wife's forehead, willing himself to hold back the tears as flashbacks of a sunny day come to him at once. The sight of Kate against the too green grass as she lays there with him clutching her, telling her to hold on. The situation is almost identical, except then she looked peaceful. Right now, her face is twisted in agony and her groans aren't making matter look any better. Where is that damn ambulance?
"Rick... hurts." She grits out and he wipes the sweat off her face, combing his hand through her mussed up hair.
"Sshh. It's okay, Kate." He soothes. "The ambulance is on its way. You'll be okay."
It seemed hours, even though he's pretty sure they were just minutes, when finally the front door opened and he hears people rushing in. He stands up briefly to call out to the medics before clutching his hand to his wife.
He lets go when the paramedics has to put Kate in a stretcher. The team carries his wife quickly out the room and into the ambulance waiting below as trails behind them. A few stray tears finally escaping.
He wipes them off just as he sits down beside the stretcher to where his wife is still crying.
"Rick." She calls out.
"I'm here. I'm here, Kate." He takes her hand and plants a kiss against it as the ambulance zooms past other vehicle.
The whole ride was a blur, both literally and figuratively as he sees his wife's pain slowly grows. She's back to screaming when she is rolled into the emergency room.
A nurse blocks him from entering but Kate's sobs of his name has given the nurses no other choice but let him enter. Not even a minute inside the emergency room and another group nurses rush in to roll her out.
They're gonna have to take an ultrasound of her. That time he wasn't allowed anymore to enter and so he remained outside pacing a hole onto the floor.
He remembers to call Kate's father, his mother and Alexis to tell them about Kate's situation. After hearing Martha promise to come, he puts the phone down and treks another path on the hallway, counting the number of tiles he walks on as he waits for them to finish.
The door opens suddenly and Kate is immediately wheeled out. He watches as they half-runs their way to the operating room across the hall.
"Wait, wait, what is happening? What is wrong with my wife?" He calls after them but he was ignored. Few seconds later, a man in scrubs walks out the door of the room Kate has just been in and approaches Rick.
"Mr -?"
"Castle." He completes for the doctor.
"Mr. Castle, I am Doctor Charles Miller-"
"What is happening with my wife?" Rick interrupts the doctor. He doesn't really mean to be rude but his wife's life could be in danger and he is not really in the mood for introductions and pleasantries.
The doctor just nods, probably used to these kind of situations. Panicked family members worrying about their loved ones.
"We discovered in the ultrasound that your wife had an ectopic pregnancy." The doctor starts and he felt the blood drain out his face. Pregnancy? Kate is pregnant?
"But wh-." He trails off allowing the doctor to elaborate.
"An ovum produced by the ovary stays on the fallopian tube until it is fertilized. When an egg is fertilized, it usually stays up there for another 30 hours before proceeding to the uterus. In your wife's case, the egg failed to proceed to the uterus. This case is called a tubal or an ectopic pregnancy. Your wife have been pregnant for a little more than four weeks now and when the baby grew too big in the fallopian tube, it bursted."
Rick feels his head spin as he processes all the information. Kate had been pregnant. They lost her baby. Kate's life is in danger.
"So, what now? Where have they taken my wife?" He turns back to the doctor.
"She was wheeled into the operating room where a surgeon has been waiting. They would have to removed that egg within her. There might also be internal bleeding, since her fallopian tube bursted and they have to do it quickly before it poisons her body."
"Oh, God." Rick breathes as he leans back against a wall for support. He barely registers the doctors hand on his shoulder before he leaves with soft murmur of "I'll leave you to it."
He feels his knees give out as he stared at the doors across the hall where they took Kate in. His wife is currently fighting for her life. Her wife who had just been pregnant, who had just lost her child. Kate.
He's still crying when his mother finds him. He stands quickly from the uncomfortable seat to accept the hug offered by his mom.
"Mother." He sobs against her chest, not caring that he's a grown man crying in the arms of his mother because he just found out he lost a child he didn't even know about and his wife is currently fighting for her life.
"Katherine, is a very strong woman, kiddo." Martha soothes and he tightens his arms around his mother.
Kate's gonna be okay. He repeats it to himself like a mantra as if his words alone would cure whatever it is his wife is going through right now. She survived a bullet to the chest. She would be strong enough to get through this.
Jim Beckett arrived just shortly after his mother and Alexis just a little while later. Now, hours later, their little family filled up the seats outside the operating room waiting for any news.
Alexis and Martha offered to buy everyone coffee and they all nurse it in silence. He is tearing apart the crumpled paper cup in his hand when the door to the operating room finally opened again.
They are all in their feet in an instant as a man in scrubs walks out.
"Are you the family of Ms. Beckett?" He asks.
"I'm her husband." Rick steps out. "How is she?"
"The surgery had gone pretty well. Your wife is a fighter, mister. She is in a stable condition now but she is still under observation. You can all see her in a few hours after she's transferred to a private room."
Rick lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding at the doctor's words. He thanks the doctor briefly before turning back to his family.
"Kate's okay." Martha nods at him and pulls him into a hug. He feels Jim pat him on the shoulder and he looks up to find Kate's father teary eyed.
"My stubborn little, Katie." The older man breathes, a tiny smile forming on his face. "She won't ever go down without a fight."
Rick lets out a chuckle, wiping the tears off his eyes. "That she is."
He runs to her bed the moment he's allowed to enter her room. She's sleeping peacefully and he breathes a sigh of relief. He takes the seat beside her and cradles her hand. He sits there for minutes, hours, staring at her. If she's awake she'd roll her eyes and berate him for being creepy and he'd take it all happily if it means she's okay.
He didn't even realize he fell asleep until he feels a hand sifting through his hair. He looks up to find his wife's teary eyes looking back at him.
"Kate." He breathes. He's on his feet in an instant. He cradles her head against his chest, careful not to jostle her body.
"It's okay, Castle. I'm okay." She reassures him and he squeezes her just little tighter without hurting her.
"I know. I know." He whispers back, planting a kiss on her head.
"The- doctor was here when I woke up." She starts, a tear slipping against her cheek. "I asked him to tell me everything."
Rick feels his heart stop. Is it really okay for her to know about it this early into her recovery?
"I lost our kid." Her voice cracks at the last word of her sentence before she starts to cry. "I am so sorry, Castle. I didn't know, I would've been careful-"
"No. No, Kate. Shhh." He cuts her off before she can go on blaming herself. "It's not your fault."
He pulls away and kisses her eyes as tears continue to flow. "Kate. Kate look at me."
She turns up red-rimmed eyes towards him and his heart breaks even more. "It's not your fault, okay? It's out of your control."
"But, I -" He captures the rest of her words with his mouth, preventing her from going further into her self-destructive thoughts. "It's not your fault, okay?" He plants another kiss on her forehead.
She still won't meet his eyes and he pulls her head against his chest and lets her cry out. "Go get some rest, Kate."
Kate is still sleeping when Jim arrives the next day. The previous day had been exhausting for all of them. After hours of sitting beside his daughter and no small amount of assurances from Rick that he'll call him if anything happens, Jim finally agreed to go home promising to return after a few hours.
Now that he's back, the two men sits in silence. Jim taking the seat beside Beckett and Rick taking the small couch in the corner of the private room.
Rick has already memorized the number of nurses that came in since that morning. With nothing to do, he opens his phone, stares at the photo of him and Kate on his home screen before clicking it off again.
More hours passed before Kate wakes up again. Rick decides to allow Jim a moment with his daughter and so after making sure she's not in any pain, he kisses her forehead and leaves with a quiet murmur of, "I'll get some coffee."
The next time Kate wakes up, he's alone in the room with her. He's lying if he says he didn't expect more tears from her but what he got is something he haven't really imagined. She's cold to him. Her answers to his questions of "Are you okay?" or "Does it hurt to much?" are all just simple nods. When he tells her that she can go the next day, she just replies a simple "Okay" before turning her head away from him.
Her reaction leaves him confused and frowning but he reasons it to be a side effect of the medications she's taking.
It doesn't make him feel any better when she refuses to eat the soup he tries to feed her with. He would have let it go if it weren't for the crease that forms in her brow. At the fear of something going wrong, he asks her again what is wrong but she merely shrugs. He sighs, puts the bowl down and covers her up with her blankets as he lowers her bed.
"Go take a rest." He whispers against her temple as she closes her eyes.
When all the paperwork is done and it's time for her to go, Rick rolls out his wife quietly out the halls of the hospital. He leaves grateful smiles and nods to the medical staff that they pass by and his wife's head remained down, focusing on her hands folded in her lap.
He helps her off the wheelchair and into the car, giving her a small glare when she attempts to wave off his hand. He drives them home in silence, the weight of the past few days lying heavy above them.
They have yet to talk about what happened. Kate, the baby, the prospect of a family. It's not like he doesn't want it. He does. And judging by Kate's reaction, she wanted it, too. Despite it being unplanned, they – Kate – would have been happy with a baby. But now, knowing what they lost – what they almost had – he can't help but think of all the what ifs.
Kate was adamant about walking when they reached the loft and he cannot do anything but to walk behind her, mustering up all he has to not reach for her. He doesn't mind caring for his wife, especially after what happened, but apparently, Kate has other ideas.
Kate won't even let him touch her. When they got inside the loft, Kate proceeded to the couch without a word, leaving Rick to bring their stuffs to their room. He can feel her eyes on him as he go but decides to ignore it. When he got back out, he settles beside her on the couch. Not too close, but not too far away that he can't reach for her either.
He watches as she sits in silence, arms clutched protectively against her abdomen, her head bowed. He waits a moment before finally speaking.
"Do you want something to eat?" He asks tentatively.
He hears her sigh. She runs her hand across her face and tangles it on the messy knots of her hair,
"I'm not hungry." She speaks so softly that he would have missed it if he weren't paying attention. She stands from her seat faster than her surgery has allowed her to move and he sees her waiver as she stands. He sees the pain that flashed on her face and he's on his feet immediately.
She allows him to hold her elbows as she takes a few seconds to steady herself. The moment her pain subsides and become bearable again, she touches her hand against his with a quiet murmur of thanks before moving her way to their bedroom by herself.
He didn't get much sleep that night, the events of the few days waking him with nightmares. Scenarios where Kate did not survive fills his mind. When he wakes up for the third time, he finally gives up on sleep.
He crawls out of bed silently to prepare himself a cup of coffee. The silence inside the loft is defeaning- the thoughts too loud in his mind and he tries to tamp them down. He tries to sit in front of his laptop, writes down a couple of paragraphs. But even that took too much energy- energy he doesn't have. If only he can get that sleep.
He considers taking something to help him sleep but the thought of sleeping in when anytime his wife can wake up in pain or in need of his help is preventing him to take the action. He's browsing through his shelves, looking for a book to read when he hears it. A groan of agony. In milliseconds he's sprinting through the door that separates his office from the bedroom.
He finds his wife squirming in bed with tears in her eyes and his name on her lips. He's not alone with the nightmares.
"No, no. Rick, please. Don't leave me." His heart breaks at her supplication and he moves carefully to his side of the bed so he can lay beside her.
He runs a hand against her damp hair, whispering reassurances against her cooling skin. "Sssh, Kate. I am here." He soothes. "I won't leave you I promise."
He sees her eyes blink, her hazel orbs still glistening from tears. She turns to him, slowly, a tear escaping her eyes and he plants a kiss on her forehead.
"It's okay, Kate. I'm here. I'll never leave." He tells her in between kisses across her face. He catches the tear that wets her skin with his lips, his words of comfort never ceasing.
She just stares at him for a moment before finally, a dam breaks and she's sobbing against his chest. He pulls her against him, envelops her in the confines of his arms as she cries. The events of the past days finally weighing her down, all her resolve and composure dropping at his feet and hell if he won't be there to catch her- to keep them all together for her.
He feels a tear escape his own eyes and he stays there with her in silence as they both let everything out through the flow of their teardrops.
When her sobs finally subsides, Rick can her hear murmur something into his chest. He has to strain his ears to catch what she's saying before it comes to him. Apologies. She's murmuring strings of apologies against his chest and he pulls her away because, no, this is not her fault and he never wants her to think otherwise.
"Hey, Kate, look at me." He tilts her head so she can see his face, see the sincerity in what he's about to say.
"It's not you fault." He says it emphasizing each word as though he were talking to a child. And when he gets no response, he repeats it again for good measure. "It was never your fault."
"How can you do this?" She whispers so softly, her breath fanning against his lips. So close yet still so far.
"Do what?"
"This." She shrugs. "Everything you're doing. Caring for me as though nothing happened. As if you didn't just lose a child because of me. As if-"
He cuts her off with the press of his lips. A brief kiss to steal the rest of her words, word that are unwelcome and most importantly, untrue.
"Kate," He starts when he pulls away. "I love you, okay? And I am doing this for you because you are my wife. And it's not your fault, whatever it is that happened, it's not your fault."
"But it could have been. The baby. Whatever happened to it could have been a result of what I have been doing. I could've been more careful."
Rick sighs. He needs to imbed into her mind that what happened was not her fault and so he tries again. "You heard the doctor, he explained your situation and it was clear that your condition was internal. It was beyond your control."
When she still seemed unconvinced he goes for desperate. "Kate, please. I lost my child, a couple of days ago, I sat outside the surgery room as you fought for your life. I don't wanna lose you, too." His voice breaks by the end of his sentence as another tear breaks free from his eyelids and he knew that must have done because Kate moves in his arms so she can snuggle in closer and wrap her arm around him.
"I'm sorry." She says again and he shakes his head. "I'm sorry you have to go through this."
"It's okay." He whispers. "I'm sorry you have to go through this, too." He places a kiss against her temple as he hugs her as tight as he could without hurting her.
He feels her laugh humorlessly against his chest but before he can ask she's already speaking. "Why do we always have to be so good at fucking things up?"
"It's not a fuck up." He asserts and she hums in response. "Consider it as another obstacle. Something to draw strength from. Something to look back to someday and be able to say, "We haven't through this and yet we're still here.""
Kate snuggles further into him and he hears her whisper. "As long as we go through it together."
He nods even though he knew she can't see it.
"Together. Never alone." He promises and as the sun fills up the horizon with hues of red, he feels a new hope building within him. If they got through this, they'll get through anything.