Follow on from the 9th May episode. Just my take on what would have happened next.
It had been a quiet and relaxed night, which had been unlikely seeing as spending the evening with Myra McQueen wasn't something that could usually be described as quiet. Perhaps it was because Kieron really hadn't been paying too much attention, his concentration seemed to drift in and out, the realisation of exactly what he was doing dawning on him. His attention had been caught however, when Myra began telling stories of when John Paul was younger, the look of despair across John Paul's face was hilarious, and then as he turned to his Mum with begging eyes to shut up.
Kieron couldn't help but smile at all of John Paul's reactions, he worried that it was too obvious, if he sat staring at John Paul for too long with everyone be aware exactly what was going on, half of him terrified of just that, but there was another side of him that didn't care, that wished it could be so easy to be able to admit the truth to everyone. But it really wasn't that easy, there was too much to consider, and so much at stake. John Paul had said he wanted this, but Kieron couldn't help but feel like he should let him go, a part of him knew John Paul deserved better than this, he deserved someone where he didn't have to run around and hide his feelings away, but the selfish side of him never wanted John Paul to walk away, it wanted everything that he had told himself he could never had, and it was the selfish side that had won out again, as it seemed to be doing more frequently.
What kind of person did it make him then? Perhaps not a bad person, people fall in love everyday, people with obstacles that never seem to be overcome and often it worked out, somehow there was a way that it worked. But the real question was what kind of priest did it make him? This was against everything he had vowed, it went against everything that he had promised, he had said those vows and meant them, and now with just one person all of those things that seemed so important to him, were paling in comparison. How could this ever end well? He would have to make a decision, how long did he really think this could last as a secret? No matter what happened now there really was no going back, he caught John Paul's eye, they were sitting opposite one another, and Myra had gone off into something else now, he should have been listening, taking in what she was saying, but his thoughts still kept him preoccupied.
I've never been the one to shout because I listen I don't like to raise my voice
John Paul's expression changed from the small smile on his face to a look of concern, was his own thoughts so obvious to him now? How exactly was it possible that John Paul was able to do that? His expression didn't change, his eyes just held his even more intent on making sure he was okay, both of them had been so lost in looking at one another that the chair squeaking on the floor pulled them both quickly out of their thoughts.
Myra was standing now and saying her goodbyes, kissing John Paul on the cheek, waving goodbye and then off she went. In a way it would have been easy if she had stayed, because now there was no excuse for the two of them not to talk, the pub was relatively quiet, the only prominent sound was that of Kris singing from behind the bar.
"You have that weird worried look on your face"
He turned to his left; John Paul had moved round and was now sitting next to him. His eyes still just as intent as before, except now they were closer, and the power of them intensified.
"What weird worried look?"
John Paul scrunched his face up to mimic what was apparently his actions and he couldn't help but laugh as he recognised the expression only too well. John Paul was smiling now too, instinctively their bodies drawing closer to one another. Kieron remembered exactly where they were and pulled back slightly. How exactly were they going to manage this if this was the reaction they had to one another.
"What's going on in that head of yours?" John Paul took a swig from his beer, those eyes still looking at his; he turned away, hoping that doing so would give him some much needed clarity.
Maybe I should learn to lose my inhibitions and let my feelings make some noise
"I'm just wondering how this is going to work" He lifted his eyes up to meet John Paul's again, there was an understanding and wondering as he thought over the question himself. It clearly left him just as confused about it all as Kieron was, maybe that was the problem, he was thinking too much about it, perhaps they should just let what ever happens happen, could he really afford to be that reckless though? This wasn't just his own feelings he was dealing with now, he had John Paul's to remember as well. Sometimes John Paul seemed so sure of himself, but Kieron knew underneath it all he was just as scared, they were both taking chances here and Kieron couldn't help but think back to what John Paul had said a few weeks ago after they slept together.
"John Paul… when you said I wasn't worth it…"
John Paul shook his head and sighed, clearly disappointed in himself "I never should have said that…"
"Really? I mean, this do you honestly think it's worth it? I do want this, but I can't help but feel… there's no way this can end well, you do realise that? No matter what happens someone is going to get hurt… and I don't want that person to be you, I don't want to hurt you…"
"When I said that…" He watched John Paul struggle to find the words, he knew John Paul found this just as hard as he did, he wasn't naturally good with saying how he felt, but something in John Paul made him want to be honest about this. John Paul stood up quickly from his chair.
"Let's get out of here…" Before Kieron could object John Paul was already half way out the door, Kieron followed him slowly, letting him lead the way.
"Where are we going?"
"Just for a walk, I want to try… I want to try and explain but I can't do it in there…"
You don't know what I'm going through when silence is all I give to you
Kieron nodded and he felt John Paul move closer to his side as they walked through the village, there was no one around, everything was closed and everyone was inside, it was just the two of them as they walked closer to the bridge in silence.
"Well that cleared everything up" Kieron smiled and looked at John Paul, he smiled back widely.
"Sorry… I'm just trying to get it all to make sense in my head…"
"Any luck with that?"
"Not really"
Kieron stopped and leant against the cool stone, John Paul stood in front of him, pacing in small circles, it was clear his mind was racing with everything.
"Earlier you said you were scared. Well I'm scared too. Mostly because the last person I was with… looking back… it was my fault, I blamed him and everything that went wrong I put down to the fact that he was never honest with himself, but the thing is I tried to make him be something that he wasn't, I could never just accept the fact that he had fallen in love with me, I had to try and define it more than he needed it to be. And most of all I didn't give him any time, I just expected him to be the way I needed him to be… I was selfish, I loved him but in the end… any of that love we had it was ruined because of me… finally to top all that off I walked away from him"
It had all come out in one blur, and he fell over his words as he spoke, finally stopping and turning to look back with those eyes again.
"I don't want to have any regrets and I don't want to live with all these questions of what could have been, because I already have to many and I don't want anymore, and how I feel about you I just never expected again not after everything that happened, and I feel like if we just walk away from this… which would perhaps be the right thing to do I know… I know that this is going to hurt so many people, and that they'll never understand this, but I don't know what to do… I can't not know…"
So hear me, if you're out there take these words and try to understand
Again it all came out as a blur of words, sentences trailing off and not finishing and then the next one beginning before the other had finished, Kieron felt exhausted just watching him.
"John Paul… just breathe for a second…" Kieron smiled and stepped away from the wall, he quickly looked left and right, still conscious of anyone being about. He rested his hands on John Paul's waist, pulling his body slightly closer to his.
That I want you, and I need you, to take the hand of a quiet man
"I think I realise now exactly how confused you are about all this, sounds pretty much about the same amount as I am. And you're right, the thing to do here would be to walk away, for me to leave…" The look across John Paul's face as Kieron spoke those words was entirely one of panic, thinking for a moment that was exactly what he was going to do "… for me to let you not start anything more with me, I can't help but feel that you deserve more than this. But the one major flaw in all of that, is that I don't think I can walk away now, I know its wrong… but I can't leave you now"
Kieron tilted his head slightly, waiting for the reaction from John Paul. "This is what you've been thinking about all night isn't it? Even though you said this is what you wanted earlier, you've been sat there thinking everything through haven't you? I could tell, you seemed so far away…"
"Are you mad at me?"
John Paul shook his head and looked down moving his arms to rest on Kieron's shoulders "No of course not. I want you to be honest with me, and I need to… I need to realise just how hard this is for you…"
Kieron smiled slightly "You're thinking of me, I'm thinking of how hard this is for you… I don't want you to be stuck with someone who…"
"Kieron, we know exactly what we're doing here, I know what it means to be with you and what… but the other option is not being with you or being able to see you everyday or talk to you, and I'm not entirely sure I could deal with that to be honest…"
"Yeah, me either"
They stood quietly for a few moments, Kieron stepped backwards still holding onto John Paul, and leant against the wall. It felt good to know exactly where John Paul's mind was at, but the feeling in the pit of his stomach didn't fade, because he knew and they both knew that no matter what they said or how they justified it, this was wrong.
I love the way you hear the words unspoken it's like you read between the minds
"You've got that weird look again…" John Paul smiled as he spoke, running his finger across Kieron's face, letting his hand move down to rest on his neck. Kieron smiled the feeling fading slightly as he looked back into John Paul's eyes. He wasn't sure how long they stayed like that, looking at one another, enjoying the moment they had alone.
The footsteps approaching made them pull apart quickly, still standing close but no longer holding onto one another, someone walked by to their left, John Paul must have held his breathe and exhaled heavily looking back to Kieron.
You know before the silence has been broken well, at least most of the time
"You going to walk me home?"
Kieron looked up and smiled "You afraid of walking back in the dark on your own?"
John Paul tilted his head and turned and began walking away "So you were listening to the stories my Mum was telling tonight then?"
Kieron began walking, quickly to catch up with John Paul "Only the embarrassing ones about you… its okay a lot of people slept with the lights on when they were younger… perhaps not until they were 12…"
"I wasn't 12 alright? She likes to exaggerate things… her memories too bloody good…"
Kieron's smile only widened "Don't be embarrassed…" He moved slightly closer to John Paul "It was nice to hear stories about you… feels like I know you that little bit more…"
"You wouldn't be saying that if the roles were reversed…"
"Ahh but I don't have any embarrassing stories…"
Kieron heard John Paul laugh loudly as they continued walking "That I find hard to believe… I'll find them out eventually"
"Oh you will, will you?"
John Paul moved away from Kieron's side and turned to stand in front of him, stopping him from walking along. "I'm pretty sure I could convince you…"
John Paul leaned in closer, and Kieron held his breathe as the distance between them closed, John Paul stopped just inches from his face, his hands moving excruciatingly slow up his back, one of them moving around the front of his body moving up to rest on Kieron's face, tracing across his jaw and then John Paul's fingers skimmed lightly over his lips.
Then the distance was closed, and all Kieron could feel were John Paul's lips brushing lightly across his, slowly at first, then pulling back to see Kieron's reaction, seeking permission to lean back in and continue the kiss. Kieron wasn't aware of anything else, and his face must have been all the confirmation John Paul needed, and John Paul's lips were on his again and he reciprocated, gripping onto John Paul tighter than before.
And then he was gone, Kieron froze as John Paul pulled away, he heard him laugh slightly, and when he opened his eyes John Paul was walking away.
He followed him slowly, in just the few moments that had passed him by Kieron knew that there was no way he could go back from this now. He had never felt as comfortable as he did when he was with John Paul, more secure in himself and who he was, even if right now this was all they had, even if on some level he knew it was wrong, given it up wasn't an option anymore.