Biohazardous Emotions- part three
When I got home from my first day of school I couldn't help but smile as I closed the door to my room and leaned up against it with a sigh.
Today had been an interesting yet totally unexpected good day.
Sean and I had made it to his lunch table and I couldn't help but blush as the other eyes at the table stared curiously at me. "So, Parker, who's your new friend?" a boy from the group asked. He had long dark hair and a smirk on his face. "Why don't you ask me and see for yourself?" I countered with a wide smile. Sean laughed at my reply and at his friends' gaping expressions. "Guys, this is Julie Stevens. She's sort of new here," Sean stated before turning back to give me a smile. "And, Julie, these are my friends and once in a while airhead guys I hang out with." "Hey, I resent that!" the first guy who spoke to me said. One of the other boys laughed before introducing himself. "Hello, Julie, I'm Justin, Justin Sells-burg. And it's very nice to meet you." I smiled as I gazed at the sweet boy. He had curly light brown hair and big brown eyes. And there was also this vibe I got from him that told me we'd make good friends. "Hey," I spoke up once I realized something, "you have the same initials I do." Justin smiled and replied, "Huh, so I do." "Yeah, that's so cool." We both nodded into wider smiles and I couldn't help but feel a little better and more welcomed. "So anyway," Sean began, "that's Bryan and that's Joseph." Each of them lifted their hand up and waved at me. Bryan had brown hair in a bowl cut style and Joseph had blonde hair that was spiked straight up. Both seemed friendly. I also noted that Bryan was the first one to have make a comment at all. A few moments later the bell rang, signaling that lunch time was over. "Well, it was nice meeting you all," I retorted as I glanced at all of them and gave them a wave. "Same here," they all chorused before Sean led us away and walked me back to my next period class. Before I even knew it, the first day of middle school was over and it was one of the best ones I had in a long while.
As I lay in bed and looked out my window and up at the stars I couldn't help but smile and feel like maybe, finally, my life had reached some sort of normalcy since my mother passed away. And maybe Sean and I could be friends or even more in the future. But at this point I wasn't sure what he thought about me. Hopefully, one day, I'd be able to find out.
The next day at school I re-assimilated into the group of friends I had met the other day at lunch and once again they let me join them in a nice, comfortable manner.
Sean couldn't stop smiling at me and Justin always kept the conversation going as well as made sure I was a part of it and not being left out. He was really nice to me. They all were. But like I predicted, Justin was more accepting. And with time they all became understanding and accepted me for who I was and the way I was. Because I didn't have the most normal of lifestyles or personalities thanks to my dad. So when Justin or Sean made it their personal burden to make sure I was happy and doing alright in life, I felt beyond accepted and was the happiest I had ever been in my whole life.
Sooner or later eighth grade rolled around and since I still had Justin and Sean along with the other guys in my life, and since both Sean and Justin continued to be there with me through everything, even all the crap my dad put me through, I began to love both of them. Justin as my best friend, and Sean as something more. And so today was the day I would tell him how I felt...before it was too late.
As I walked down the hallways in search of Sean, I ran into a few familiar faces. I had other friends too, but none compared to Justin or Sean. Not even Michelle who had become my friend in sixth grade again a little bit after I befriended Sean and his friends. She was still Miss Popular though, so it was hard for our friendship to be the way it was. But she pretty much knew everything about me. Even how I felt about Sean. The only person I felt really guilty about in terms of friendship was Jess, because she and I were not on speaking terms and that made me a little sad because she was always nice to me, but Michelle didn't like her. So I just sided with the person I've known longer.
Snapping out of that situation, I forced myself to focus on the present and what period it was. Which was lunch. And I was glad as I made it early to our lunch table, also known as the popular table which I never really would've even contemplated being a part of since I could care less. But it was just something that was thrust upon me without me even realizing it.
As I took a seat next to Bryan he smiled widely at me.
"Hey, Jewels. How's it going?"
I smiled and replied, "Same old, same old. You?"
"Better than yesterday."
We both laughed.
Yesterday our whole group thought it'd be a really good idea to start our own little food fight which got pretty carried away and got us an after school detention which my father wasn't too proud about. But, that's just who we were as a group- troublemakers. We caused a lot of trouble and to me that was perfectly normal. I hated being perfect.
Because I got into so much trouble though, my dad thought it more fit to make me work twice as hard when it came to military training and I knew he was already planning to send me away to boot camp or some super high class military academy. But even if he did so it wouldn't straighten me out. Because nothing would ever be the same again. My mom wasn't ever coming back to get me, my dad wasn't going to stop being a hard ass prick, and my life was never going to stop sucking.
And for some reason, I thought that could all change once I found Sean and told him how I felt.
Ten more minuted passed without anyone from our table seeing him and he usually was on time or early. So when he didn't show up right away I told the guys I was going to look for him. One, because I needed to see and speak to him, and two, I was the one he showed all of his usual favorite places to hang out at on campus.
The third place I chose to look was behind the gym. One time he pulled us back there and we sat down before lying on the grass and trying to scope out clouds that looked like animals. And I knew that one spot would always be our little secret.
So I totally wasn't expecting what I saw next.
Up against the wall of the gym, somewhere toward the middle, I saw Michelle and Sean in a lip lock. I felt beyond betrayed as my heart shattered. I couldn't even yell at either of them because my feet responded first and carried me back into the gym and under the bleachers.
I couldn't think or feel or even see through the cluster of moisture coming out of my eyes. The worst part about it was that Michelle knew how I felt about Sean yet she was back there kissing him like there was no end. And I was angry at him for kissing her back. All those times he hinted that we were more, that no one knew him like I did, that no one was closer to him than I was, or that he couldn't be himself around anyone else but me was all a lie. Because clearly he was being himself around Michelle. And clearly he was liking it. So I cried and let my emotions take over me entirely. And I hid behind the bleachers because I thought no one would ever find me there. But, apparently, I was wrong.
The soft creaking of the floorboards of the gym shouldn't tipped me off, but I couldn't hear them until they were a good five feet away from me and I didn't have enough time to dry my tears or muffle my sobs.
"What are you doing down here?"
I nearly gasped as I turned around to face the almost familiar voice. I frowned, expecting it to be anyone but the person in front of me.
"I'm not doing anything," I mumbled grumpily though I'm sure she couldn't hear with the way the crying messed up my voice.
"Is it Michelle?" she guessed softly in a non-accusative way; she was more sympathetic of it instead of the way I thought she'd be after the way I treated her. I thought she'd be like 'haha, that's what you get,' but she was the total opposite. "Is it Sean?" she guessed when I hadn't responded to her first assumption.
Feeling her hit base with both answers had me fuming all of my emotions that had once been bottled up underneath and brought them to the surface.
"It' BOTH of them, okay?" I yelled frustratedly.
Jessica didn't say anything when she saw my reaction so I just shook my head and pulled out my lighter and a pack of cigarettes.
As soon as I had one lit I began inhaling the smoke. And that's all it took for Jessica to start freaking out.
"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed incredulously.
"What does it LOOK like I'm doing?" I countered angrily.
"Don't!" she yelled. "You'll get expelled!"
"So what? That doesn't matter to me anymore. Nothing does. I'll just get sent to boot camp four years earlier! Story of my life, it sucks an there's nothing anyone can do about it so just leave me the hell alone, alright?"
"No," she stated firmly and continued staring me down.
"Jess, please," I urged softly. All I wanted was to be left by myself so I could calm down and think. And breathe in another form of air I so desperately needed right now.
"NO!" Jess repeated in a firmer tone than before. I could tell she wasn't going to back down."You may have me, you may hate life, but that doesn't mean you can't get through it! That doesn't mean you have to smoke for all your problems to just disappear because in the long run, all you'll get is cancer and blackened lungs."
"But I can't get through it, Jess, I can't!" I insisted. "The people I thought were my friends turned out to be phonies! They betrayed me and now I don't know what to do."
"But you have so much more," Jess continued. "You have so much going for you, Julie."
"No I don't, I really don't! I try to make it look that way, especially at school. But at home it's a whole different story. I only have my dad now and I hate him. I can't stand ANYTHING about him because I know he hates me!"
"He can't hate-,"
"He's never home, he doesn't talk to or address me as his daughter, or bother to get to know me or what I like. He's a total stranger so, yeah, I think he does hate me. Either that or doesn't give a shit about me so take your pick."
My bitterness and dark humor didn't seem to faze Jess which surprised me, but I should have been over the surprises at this point.
Within the next few, slow and unattainable seconds, Jess reached so me and gave me a warm, tight hug. I tried to refrain, having not experienced any sort of gentle physical contact from anyone, not even my own father. Sean had been the only exception along with Justin. But it looked like now Sean was out of the picture as well as Michelle. And both were replaced with Jessica who seemed to do a better job than both put together.
It didn't take long for her kindness to catch up to me and for me to lose it and break down completely over everything I had dealt with in the past four years of my life.
"Why did my mom have to go? WHY?" I yelled angrily as tears flowed heavily from my face. "Why not my dad? WHY?"
Jess was calm as she replied, "I don't know, Julie. But you shouldn't wish for that. Life would be hard without a dad and without any parents at all."
"I know," I mumbled. "I just- I'm so angry, you know? He's put me through so much and he doesn't even care what it's doing to me."
"Well, I'm really sorry you're going through so much, Julie, but at least you have a dad."
I was quiet as I assessed her tone and posture once she let me go.
"Don't you?" I asked after a moment's silence.
She shook her head slowly and said, "No. They died in a car accident when I was ten."
I was overall shocked by her response but was able to answer her after that.
"I'm so sorry, Jess. I am. For everything. If you ever need someone to talk to I always have an open ear." I sighed sadly. "And about before with me being a jerk, I really am sorry. It won't happen again."
"Thank you, Julie. That means a lot to me."
"Yeah, sure."
I then sighed and put my cigarette out before glancing over at Jessica.
"So I guess we should be getting to class then?" I asked curiously.
"Yeah." Jess smiled widely. "I think that'd be best."
I nodded and soon we were both on our way back to class.
At least the best part about all of this, was knowing who my real friends were and being able to let go of all the rest.