"Ah! Sweet Mystery of Life!"
By Sharan McQuack, Launchpad's wife.
I have had just about enough of WB pushing Shaggy and trying to push a relationship between Velma and Shaggy. Since I, lord knows, am SUCH a Velma, I have the right to write this.
It was Velma's Wedding day. She was about to marry Beau Neville, that good looking cop from Zombie Island.
"One thing's for sure." she thought " I will NOT be sorry to kiss a last name like Dinkley good bye and good riddance."
She was still a tad surprised such a good looking guy would love her and want to marry her.
"But then again, why not? Lord knows dorks are SO sure good looking girls should want them. Not that I consider myself a dork- if only because a dork, nerd or geek is a GUY who acts in a manner stereotypically ascribed to females. Since I AM female, to call myself a geek, nerd or dork would be as meaningless as a GUY calling himself a tomboy." Velma thought.
She realized she was nervous and was trying to keep her thoughts away from the wedding and her upcoming marriage itself. But that was understandable. Her life was about to change forever. And any change, even a change for the better, is scary.
"Lord knows, I'm used to scary!" she thought.
"You OK, Velma?" her maid of honor, Daphne asked.
Daphne looked lovely in her (for HER, what else?) purple and green maid of honor gown.
"Hasn't ANYBODY ever told her purple and green clash? But that's why she wears them all the time. To get attention." Velma thought.
"Yes. Or I will be, when this is over- safely." Velma asked.
"What do you mean, safely?" Daphne asked.
"I'm afraid a mystery will disturb my wedding - or my honeymoon." Velma admitted.
Daphne giggled.
"Well, your husband to be doesn't have a problem with you solving mysteries. In fact, he's "fed" us info only the police are supposed to have access to, to help us solve mysteries. And he finally got Fred to understand that I LIKE danger and risk- why else would I be so danger-prone?" Daphne said. "Think me and Fred could be next?"
"Only if Shaggy and Magnolia, Beau's one-year-younger sister don't beat you to it!' Velma joked.
And Shaggy and Magnolia, Beau's lazy, stupid, strung out, food obsessed ,drop-dead gorgeous sister and Shaggy had become quite the item.
Not to mention her pet full-blooded Great Dane, Denise (1) and Scooby Doo.
"You DO realize if Shaggy and Magnolia get hitched, that will make Shaggy your brother-in-law?" Daphne asked.
"Shaggy's been like a brother to me for years! So I really don't care if this works out for him or it just another of his passing flings." Velma replied.
Shaggy and Magnolia were guests at the wedding. So was Fred. Shaggy had actually managed to keep his tux clean(it was a rental)despite him stealing food whenever he could. Fred was also wearing a tux- white jacket instead of black, black shirt, black slacks with as ascot instead of a tie. (2)
The wedding went off without a hitch. the honeymoon, too. But just as Velma was starting to relax, on her way back from the honeymoon...
Insert standard mystery here. (3)
Like they weren't all exactly the same? That way, no matter how young you were, you weren't scared a bit. You knew it was always a fake and the predictability of the plots was reassuring.
The End.
(1) Ever listen to the Do Wop song, "Denise"? "Darling, scooby doo, I'm in love with you".
Denise could sing the first part, Scooby the second. Then Scappy Doo would pop up:
"Unca Scooby?"
"Ut-oh! De Nephew!" Scooby would say.
(2) I KNOW these people! I grew up with these people!
(3) I swear I did NOT know that one of the Scooby Doo comic book stories had them checking out a sea monster that turned out to be a construction crane when I suggested that!
ATTENTION: THE FOLLOWING MAY OFFEND ANYBODY WHO BELIEVES SHAGGY IS CAPABLE OF BEING A HERO. IF YOU'RE ONE OF THEM (HOW LONG HAVE YOU WORKED FOR WARNER BROS?), MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T READ THIS.
I have this theory that in the dimension where"Mystery's five" are real people, Scooby Snacks are a dog biscuit.
There is this TOTALLY UNTRUE rumor there that these dog biscuit can make you high. (NOT TRUE!) This untrue rumor says that this is legal because they are a dog biscuit and not intended for human consumption.
Shaggy believes this and thinks he getting high by eating these dog biscuits. The gang humors him to keep him off the real stuff and to be able to cheaply bribe him into risking his (and Scooby's) life by luring a "monster" into one of Fred's traps.