Yay!

I don't own any of this. Nothing. Hear me? NOTHING!!

A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far away...

There were six children. They were special and stuff. Because they were mutants. What exactly is so special about mutants anyway? I mean, most of them are icky and hideous and get killed by the antihero in the end. But these mutants aren't icky and hideous, or get killed, and one of them is an antihero to boot! So read on, dear reader, and hopefully you shall understand why mutants are so special. (Okay, maybe not.)

Simon Says you are now two-and-a-quarter steps closer to your destiny.

The funny thing about imminent death is that it ends up seeming longer than imminent in movies. I swear, they drag imminent death scenes out for about fifteen minutes before the character actually dies. Jeez.

"Exactly. To make my imminent death drag on longer, I'm going to walk slowly and narrate," said the main character. "My brain is on warp drive. I am running as fast as I can."

Dogs barked suddenly.

"Oh noes, dogs."

Gunshots rang out.

"Oh noes, guns and dogs."

Then, the main character stopped at a cliff.

"Oh noes, I'm at a cliff and I'm being followed by people with guns and dogs. Now what do I do?"

After a minute of deciding (that dragged on like twelve), the main character jumped off the cliff.

"Whee!"

"That was stupid!" called several fully-morphed Erasers from atop the cliff. "We would've just brought you back to the School! We wouldn't have killed you!"

"Yeah, I wish," came the reply.

The main character woke up panting. She checked herself for bullet holes and scratches to see if her experience was just a dream, and got up.

"Good morning, Gazzy."

"Leave me alone." The blond eight-year-old walked into the kitchen, grumbling and rubbing sleep from his eyes. The main character shrugged and followed.

Then Iggy, the only partly sensible character in this canon, slouched in.

"Good morning, Ig."

"Go kill yourself."

"Fine, then everybody will starve, and when you notice I'm dead, you'll all be sorry! I'll show you!"

The main character then attempted to make breakfast and failed pitifully, so Iggy had to get up and take the task into his own hands. Then, Fang, the emo-smexy character, entered the room.

"You can't do that," he chided, "Emo's my thing."

"All of you, shut the hell up! I'll make freaking breakfast, okay?"

"Yay, thank you, Iggy!"

And so Iggy made breakfast, and it was good. Then, the main character was saddled with the task of waking up the token 'creepy children' characters, and that was not good.

"Yo, get up!" she yelled. "We have a plot to set in motion, and we can't do it without'cha!"

"But we don't wanna," replied Nudge.

"Yes, we don't wanna."

"Get up or else I'll make you become minor characters like the Gasman and that one dog that comes up in the fourth book!"

"Fine."

So then they all went outside for some random reason and did random stuff. Until, that is, Fang suddenly pointed behind the main character and screamed, "OMG, Eraser!"

The main character put her hands on her hips and said, "Cha, like I haven't fallen for that trick, like, a million times."

"No, seriously, dude," replied Fang. "Eraser."

And then an Eraser totally punched the main character. Score! He totally punched that overzealous bizatch!

Oh, it was a wonderful punch.

Several minutes that seemed like four hours later, the main character woke up, moaning.

"Da-a-a-mn, you were lucky. You didn't have the crap beaten out of yourself like us. Oh yeah, they took Angel."

The main character opened her eyes to see Fang, Iggy, Nudge, and the Gasman standing over her. She stood up, and immediately collapsed, sniveling.

"NOOO! WHY COULDN'T THEY HAVE TAKEN SOMEONE NOT INTEGRAL TO THE PLOT, LIKE THE GASMAN?!"

"No need to be a b!tch about it," muttered Gazzy.

The main character stood up again. "True. Fang, Nudge, come with me, we're gonna go find Angel. Iggy, Gasman, stay behind because you suck."

"Aw, maaaan..."

Fweet. First chapter.

The 'Oh, it was a wonderful punch' thing was a parody of a line from the Bright Eyes song 'At The Bottom Of Everything'.

Hope you enjoyed!

This is a PARODY, people.

It's not meant to insult. Only to gently mock... although I did get rather close to insulting by calling Max an overzealous bizatch. Well, I don't like her as much as I like the others. Deal with it.

PLEASE DON'T FLAME, JUST OFFER CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM!!