I'm with you
Isn't anyone trying to find me?
Won't someone please take me home
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Wont you take me by the hand
take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
but I'm, I'm with you
It's cold tonight, but the chill which keep at the common room is nothing by comparison with the one which is folding my heart.
Clutched on one of the couch in front of the fireplace, Ron and Lavanda exchange effusion, and I... I just do anything; I look at them, I look how he hold her tight and I feel my stomach twitching in a painful grip.
Why? Why aren't you with me Ron? Why do you look at her and not at me?
Thoughts chase fast, pained, while I try to concentrate on the book laid on my knees.
But it's useless... it's a pain too big the one of a broken heart; and although all this pain, I can't help but thinking that I'd be ready to see my heart dying for him even a hundred, a thousand times.
What has she got more than me, Ron? Why's not my hand the one you're holding?
I'd like you to come closer to me and holding it tight, strongly, to make me feel that you're there, that you'll always be there, will you be there for me? Are you going to be with me when I'll need to feel you close to me? Do I still exist for you?
A silent tear falls down my face, immediately chased away by my quivering hand: crying is for fools, for weak!
With renewed decision I stand up from the armchair I was sat in since a few moments before, and I reach for the spiral staircase... and I feel it, I feel his penetrating look on my back, but when I turn he's still concentrate on Lavanda... and maybe he always been, maybe I'm becoming crazy.
A few hours later, nestled among the blankets of my bed, I can't stop thinking, thinking about how much hurts that I can't have him, thinking about how much hurts seeing him into the arms of another girl... and it's the biggest pain I've ever felt, or maybe it's because I don't have many basis for comparison; unable to fall asleep, I toss and turn restless among blankets until, exhausted, Morpheus receive me in his arms.
Not even the sleep is able to soothe me, the only one who can do it is sleeping a few meters far from me: so close but so far, like he's never been.
The morning after I wake up with a huge headache, while I see emerge memoirs of the night before, desperate I shake my head in a useless try of moving them away from me, because those images have nothing to share with my life, not anymore: he's not mine and he'll never be, even if it's painful admit it, this is just the simple truth.
"Hi Hermione!" when I go down into the common room I see Harry waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs, I return the greeting with a forced smile and I know I didn't deceive him, but he don't say a thing.
However he could stay with me and trying to understand, he's always Ron's best friend!
I see he avoid my look, trying desperately to show indifference; I don't want him to feel uncomfortable because of what happened between Ron and me, he's friend of both and I won't strict him to mix with me if this is not anymore what he wants.
"Harry, I don't want you to stay by my side for duty... if you think that after wrangle between Ron and me it's better for us to burn our bridges I..."
"Hermione, what are you talking about? I've got nothing to share with what happened between Ron and you, and honestly I don't have quite the intention to rally in support of one of you... ok?" I nod weakly, hiding my relief; losing Harry's friendship would be the deathblow.
We go together for the breakfast, and I feel a wave of nausea overwhelming me when I see Ron taking the seat in front of me, I look bad at him and the scratches made by my spell clearly visible on his face.
"Let's explain" his voice his decisive, he don't have any hesitation... but his arrogant voice considerably irritates me.
"I don't have a thing to explain to you!" I claim, angry, ignoring the whole Gryffindor table looking curiously at us.
"Don't you?" he points to his wounds "Do you really believe it? You know, I think that I can't wait to know the reason why you attacked me" and before I could start yelling against him how much he's fool and hideous, I motion to him for following me outside, then, without waiting for him to follow me, I go out from the Hall and I wait for him on the side of the big oak door.
I see him standing up and coming toward me: the hands in his pockets, his look low, and suddenly I feel overwhelmed by the anxiety: what do I have to tell him? The truth? You're fool! No, no and no it would be just some more pain!
"Okay, let's talk" he says, placing himself in front of me and heading his look into mine; restless I move my eyes from his, uncertain about where to start.
"I... I believed that... that we were supposed to go at the party together..." Oh perfect Hermione, really perfect! Now you really seem a fool.
I snort, trying to get back my dignity: where is my pride?
"I don't care about it so much, but you know... I give so much importance to people's words, I definitely made a mistake trusting in yours!" with new courage, I look again in his eyes.
I'm with you Ron, do you?
"It was just a provisional agreement..." his words hurt, but I'll never give to him the satisfaction of seeing me suffering for him.
"Oh sure! I'm a replacement, as usual! Am I not?" now he seems caught unprepared... his blue eyes fill of amazement.
"I never told this!" but it's too late, I've already turned my back to him, I don't want him to see my tears, I don't want him to understand how desperate is my needing of him.
I'm with you.