A/N: This is my first shot at a Conker's BFD fic. Be nice, please, or give constructive criticism.

Conker the squirrel sat upon his throne. In a short amount of time, he had gone from a drunken git to king of all the land. He had all the money, all the land, yet he was not happy. He could never see Berri again, and he could never go home. Never going home. That's something he never thought he'd think. Never being able to return to the comfort of your own home. Being king was horrible, and disgustingly boring.

Conker turned his gaze to the world outside the large window. Everything seemed quiet and peaceful, and everyone was happy, except for their ruler. Snapping out of his thoughts and back to reality, Conker finally hopped up from his throne.

Conker: "This is gettin' ridiculous! It's so boring!"

Franky: "Well, Mr. Squirrel, you could always go for a ride on me." [thinking: Please, please, please...]

Conker: "Ah, uh, no, that's okay, I think I'll pass. [thinking: What the...?]

Conker walked down the semi-long red carpet and push the large wooden doors open, only to be pushed back and onto the floor.

Conker: "Hey, I'm the king, you can't just —"

He looked up, and saw the large, grey Sarge, a line of troops dressed in army fatigues behind him.

Conker: "Oh no, no, no, no. Whatever it is you want, no."

Sarge lifted the little red squirrel from his feet and slung him over his bulky shoulder.

Conker: "Hey, put me down! I don't wanna go!"

He began pounding his small fists on the Sarge's back.

Conker: "I'm the king and you gotta do what I say —"

Suddenly, Conker's vision went black, as his head was slammed into a pillar.

Conker opened his eyes to blackness. He squinted and looked around, finally seeing a white skull and few feet in front of him. It walked over to him, and Conker immediately recognized it as Gregg.

Gregg: "Oh, it's you. Little piss ant..."

Conker: "So, does this mean I'm dead?"

Gregg: "Not exactly. Though I wish you were... ahem Anyway, I suppose you want to know why I'm here."

Conker: "Wasn't the first thing that came to mind, but okay."

Gregg: "Yes...War has once again broken out in that little 'world' of yours. And I've come to tell you the outcome."

Conker: "How would you know?"

Gregg: "You know, you are such a pain the arse. Do you want to know who wins or not?"

Conker: "Yeah, tell me what happens."

Gregg: "All right, a group of squirrels known as 'The Alliance' has summoned you, but I suppose you already know that. They will defeat those bloody Tediz, with your help.

Conker: "Well, that's good to hear."

Gregg: "...but you will die."

Conker blinked a few times and merely stared at Gregg.

Conker: "Would ya mind runnin' that by me again?"

Gregg: sigh "You're going to die!"

Conker: "And there's no way to change this?"

Gregg: "Nope."

Conker's left eyes twitched, and it felt like his eyes were starting to water. Just then Gregg burst out laughing.

Conker: huge sniffle "What's so funny?"

Gregg: "Oh, the look on your face, you little jackass! I can't believe you bought that! Oooh that made my day. Anyway, that's all I came to do."

Conker: "What, to make me almost have a heart attack?"

Gregg: "Well, actually, I meant to give you a real heart attack and kill you, but we can all dream, right? Well, I've got some cats to deal with. I hate those things...I hate those bloody cats..."

Conker let out a sigh of relief. After a few moments, he regained consciousness, finding himself sitting in a spherical vehicle, knowing that it was a submarine, and surrounded by army squirrels, and the Sarge.

Conker: sigh "It's gonna be one of those days."