Great Lives
N/B: This will all be in spoken word, except for a few little bits unless I decide to continue it. Also, I don't know shit about ballet-this just popped into my head and the image of Deidara in a tutu just wouldn't go away. They're not ninja, btw. Normal jobs-Kakashi is a plastic surgeon and Chouji owns Cooking Mama™.
And Radio 4? Well, we could all use a good dose of it in our lives, methinks.
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"-this is Shino Aburame with Great Lives in three minutes if you've just tuned in, but now for the news as it happens with Laura Akimichi at twenty minutes past six on Friday the nineteenth of January and blah blah blah-"
"Oy vey, Shino! That is definitely not a word-if you were on Just A Minute you'd have been beeped into smithereens!"
"Apologies, Laura. I appeared to be having fun there for an eighth of a millisecond. Anyway, it's your turn to do the news-"
"-or at least I could if one didn't have to suffer from interruptions in quite the same way!"
"Laura, I do believe you have anger issues. Get it all out whilst you can, that's what I always said! At least, that's what I said before I burnt that building down..."
"Just because you know my parents does NOT mean-"
"Excuse me, are we interrupting something?"
"What? Aren't we on after the news?"
"Ah. Goodbye, Laura-it appears we ignored the news completely and talked about ourselves for a short while, but now I have a programme to present! We shall see you again at fourteen minutes past seven on Friday the nineteenth-"
*static rustling*
"What's going on? Are we even meant to be in this bit of the building?"
"Not sure, but the nice lady with the tea seemed to think so..."
"Who exactly are you, anyway?"
"GOODBYE, LAURA! I HAVE A JOB TO DO!"
"So, what's going on? Say, do you have any idea?"
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"Hello, this is Shino Aburame and you are listening to Great Lives on KBC Radio Four, at approximately twenty-seven minutes past six. Apologies about the slight mishap earlier, I can confirm that it has been completely resolved and that the nice lady with the tea did indeed point them in the right direction!"
*slight giggling*
"...and here with me now in the studio I have our two meandering guests themselves, both of whom will be joining me for today's Great Lives-may I welcome Mr Haku Momomichi and Ms Ino Yamanaka?"
"Hello, Shino-it's lovely to meet you!"
"Terribly sorry about the confusion earlier-"
"Not to worry, not to worry, I'm sure it was all Laura's fault in the long run. Anyway, tonight we have one of the more interesting lives of the past seventy years to discuss-Mr Momomichi; could you perhaps explain who this person is and your reasons for choosing them tonight?"
"Well, I chose one of the greatest and perhaps most notorious ballet dancers of the last century, simply because whilst I worked alongside him for the last fifteen years of his life and looked up to him greatly, I never knew that much about him as a person before his death, only about the way he danced. I was always curious-God, we all were!-but out of respect I tried never to bother him, in a way. He could be almost psychotic at times!"
"And Ms Yamanaka, as his first cousin and our resident expert on this subject? We are, of course, talking about Deidara Awarii, the infamous dancer-or 'Blondie', as people often dubbed him. What say you to Mr Momomichi's reasoning?"
"I can say that he was considerably more than 'almost psychotic' when he wanted to be! And I can empathise with Haku here-Deidara was a surprisingly private person, we have to remember that almost all of what we know to be true about his life only came out after his death. Of course, there was the enormous impact he inadvertently made on both modern and classical dance during his career and the tremendous amounts of people he inspired, as well as the amazing legacy he left behind to any future ballet dancers wanting to follow in his footsteps..."
"Ah, but how could you follow those feather-light footsteps indeed? Powerful stuff, Ms Yamanaka, but is there anyone who could do what he did for ballet today? Would they have the same impact? We will discuss that later! Now, for those of you who've just tuned in to KBC Radio Four-this is Great Lives with me, Shino Aburame and in the studio I have Haku Momomichi and Ino Yamanaka, discussing the dancer Deidara Awarii (whom I'm sure you've all heard of.) Please stay tuned, as we shall be delving deeper! Mr Momomichi, you are also a dancer?"
*girlish squeal*
"Ooh, where did you get that idea from? Can you tell people's profession by their voices?"
"It says so on my little piece of paper, Ms Yamanaka. Also, he said so earlier. Mr Momomichi?"
*light cough*
"Yes, I'm a classically trained dancer specialising in ballroom and ballet. Now I'm a dance instructor in the Konoha and Kirigakure Ballet Academies and I do a smidgeon of choreography on the side. "
"And you worked with Deidara Awarii, correct?
"Uh-huh. Our paths first crossed at the Suna School for Dance when I was fourteen and he was just starting out in the mad, bad world of ballet, so he would have been...eleven? Twelve? Young, certainly. I left soon after to attend the Konoha Academy for Performing Arts but after five years I returned...I worked with him for most of his life after that."
"Ms Yamanaka, can you confirm this? Oh, and now I sound like the Spanish Inquisition. Joy."
*more giggling*
"No, no, Haku's right! Deidara started at Suna when he was eleven, but was picked up by the Akatsuki Dance Organization when he was fourteen. Aaaaand he stayed with them for the rest of his life..."
"Yes, but they always seemed like such shady characters. Good dancers, certainly-I once saw Itachi Uchiha perform 'Swan Lake' with Deidara before he died and it remains one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen-but not good people."
"Completely agree, Haku. They were-in my opinion-despicable people who took advantage of my cousin's talent and treated him perfectly awfully."
"I know! Isn't a shame that the most talented of us all tend to be bastard-coated bastards with bastard filling?"
"Are you calling my cousin a bastard-coated bastard? Bitch!"
"Well, he certainly had a temper!"
*Umbridge-esque cough*
"Excuse me, ladies. Bickering-whilst enjoyable and intellectually stimulating-only holds up the actual programme...May we continue?"
"Sorry, Shino..."
"Sorry..."
"Thank you. So, we've confirmed that Deidara Awarii started attending the Suna School for Dance when he was eleven...but what about his early life? Until his untimely death, this was the area his fans and the general public knew the least amount about. Ms Yamanaka, I believe you spent a rather large of time trying to find out about your cousin's childhood. Why?"
"Well, Shino, when the exact circumstances were revealed this was the area that caused the most controversy amongst the general public and the media."
"It did? I thought that the three ab-"
"Yes, Mr Momomichi. It did. Perhaps you could tell us why?"
"Me?"
"Or me?"
"Ms Yamanaka, please. Let's face it; I know nothing except what we got off Wikipedia."
"Ah, okay. Um...Deidara's early life was an area I was interested in because no-one seemed to know anything about it until I finally managed to get an interview with my estranged maternal aunt's-Deidara's mother's-old lodger, who revealed that Aunt Agatha had moved to Iwagakure when she was about 25 and there met a man named Albert Awarii, Deidara's father. Within a year of meeting him she was pregnant."
"Uh...He never mentioned his parents to anyone in all the time I knew him. At least, I don't think he did. Perhaps to one of his husbands, maybe?"
"No, Mr Momomichi. He didn't mention his parents because he didn't know them. Deidara was four when they were killed, correct?"
"Yes. Iwagakure was very heavily bombed during the Konoha-Iwa war and unfortunately my aunt and her lover were amongst the first casualties. So Deidara never really knew his parents."
"Ack, what happened after that?"
"On my little piece of paper that I forgot to read earlier it says that he was taken into a very disreputable Iwa orphanage which he ran away from after two years because he hated it so very much. Ms Yamanaka, perhaps you can elaborate?"
"Certainly, Shino! Deidara was sent to the Sacred Heart War Orphanage when he was four and spent two horrible years there being bullied by the other children and the Matron because he was small, had a speech impediment-"
"He had the 'un' even then?"
"Yah-and had mouths on the palms of his hands. So he simply ran off one night and spent the next four years living on the streets with roving gangs of other war orphans."
"A grim start to life, certainly. Mr Momomichi, did he ever make any mention of this to anyone after he left Iwa?"
"Absolutely not! Whilst it was common knowledge that he was an orphan-many of us were-he had only occasionally hinted at having a rough upbringing, and that was only with his choice of partners and his reactions when people, uh, threatened him."
"Threatened him, Mr Momomichi?"
"Um...you know, come up to him and call him names. Say he was a freak because of the mouths on the palms of his hands. Call him a girl, a faggot, queer or a whore. Try and hit him because he was so small, or try and take advantage of him after a show or in a bar-things like that. Whenever anything like that happened, Deidara would go absolutely insane."
"And did you ever see this unholy phenomenon happen?"
"Yes, many times. Especially after he became really famous, the level of abuse and potential rapists got much higher. Anyway, when or wherever someone called him a girl or tried to drag him back to their room he would fly completely off the handle. He would be punching and biting and kicking with all his might, yelling his head off about whatever had ticked him off. And he had this psychotic smile that sent chills straight into your soul...plus, when he was angry or talking about his art he got this fiery manic glint in his eyes...It would be terrifying-for a small person he was pretty strong and packed one hell of a punch, so having that flying at you screaming bloody murder and swearing like a sailor must have been rather...unexpected."
*awkward silence*
"Yes, I can imagine..."
"Well, Deidara was very sensitive to that sort of abuse because he had been-uh-a child prostitute in Iwa. So he still viewed himself as a whore for the rest of his life and thought people judged him accordingly."
"He what? I'm sorry, but this is an area I've tried not to think about out of respect for Deidara. No-one wants to admit that child prostitution actually exists-indeed, the first time I heard of it in relation to someone I'd known was at the inquest. But surely it wasn't that bad?"
"No, no. Wikipedia agrees with you, Ms Yamanaka. You are safe for today-but tomorrow, who knows?"
"Who indeed. Haku, he started selling himself to random men when he was about seven. Apparently it was either that or starve to death, so he picked the most appealing option. The gang he was in at the time had, I think, been pressuring him into whoring himself out for some time because of his looks and the extra mouths."
*once again, silence*
"So, where did the three extra mouths actually come from?"
"Ah..."
"I know that one! He told me once that he had figured out that it was some really weird birth defect on the sides of both parents that had eventually culminated in him, leaving him with three extra orifices. Kind of like Kisame Hoshigaki's shark skin or the Hyuuga Byakugan."
"Well done, Mr Momomichi! Ms Yamanaka, did you know that?"
"In a way, yes. We know it was a unique bloodline limit that we are highly unlikely to see ever again, but not quite what formed it. It may have been that only Deidara possessed the correct genetic makeup to habilitate the extra mouths-which, by the way, worked almost perfectly."
"How interesting. So, he became a child prostitute in wartime Iwa (therefore losing his virginity at the age of about seven? Or perhaps he was already sexually active?) And after four years of selling himself to much older men, gang warfare and almost constant near-starvation he ran away from Iwa after severing all ties with his village for the rest of his life and blowing it sky-high, I believe?"
*nervous laughter*
"Ah...hahaha...yes. He always had a little...problem with blowing things up. The Iwa authorities only found out that the one responsible for the widespread bombing of Iwa at that particular time was Deidara years later..."
"I wouldn't say it was a problem, Ino. Certainly it was quite destructive, but Deidara made beautiful things before he broke them...besides, it made him happy. And that was an emotion we rarely saw in relation to him, so we-that is, the ballet school and his friends-tried to encourage it."
"Quite destructive? He could have killed you all!"
"Bu why would he have done that? We gave him no reason at any point to want to harm us."
"Because, Haku, he was a psycho! Surely working with him for most of his life you must have noticed how unhinged he was?"
"Not unhinged, I don't think...just dreadfully, dreadfully unhappy. He absolutely hated his life and career, and perhaps his general attitude to things made him seem a little manic-but he was perfectly sane when I first met him. Less so by the end, but that is to be expected in a suicide case."
"You think?!"
"Yes, I do think. I-unlike you, Ino-actually met him. Just because you are related to Deidara does not give you the authority to pass judgement on what you do not understand. He hated being a dancer-it was perfectly well-known that he only danced because otherwise he'd have to whore himself out again-and making his art gave him some small amount of freedom from a life he hated to lead! Now he may have been a complete psycho, but he was a good person who deep down wanted nothing more than to blow up his pretty sculptures and never have to talk to anyone ever again! The insanity...was just the most obvious side-effect of his upbringing."
"There's no need to be so nasty, Haku. Really now, don't get so over-excited. I was only telling the truth."
"But-"
"Now, now-what did I say about bickering? Your particular strain of bitching may be interesting and relevant, but we have a strict chronological schedule to work with. May we continue or shall I have to gag you with marshmallows?"
"Sorry, Shino."
"Yeah, sorry. We got carried away."
*sob*
"Sorry, Ino!"
"Waaah! Sorry, Haku! I didn't mean it!"
"Me neither! Waaah! I love you!"
"I love you too, soul sister!"
"THE SCHEDULE, CHILDREN! WON'T SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE SHEDULE?!"
"Sorry-"
"Shut up, both of you! Right, so Deidara Awarii-the actual focus of this programme-left Iwa when he was about ten years old and hitched a lift to Sunagakure, where...Ms Yamanaka?"
"Ah, yes, yes. Once in Suna, Deidara worked as a prostitute for a short time before being noticed by the first significant man in his life, Sasori no Akasuna, who worked at the Suna School for Dance and was also a member of the Akatsuki, who were rapidly growing in fame."
"Yes...I remember seeing posters for some of their earliest shows. But that was a long time ago."
"So, anyway, Akasuna somehow noticed my cousin and decided to try him out as a dancer for the Suna School, which he co-ran with the Kazekage at the time. And Deidara, despite having no previous experience of dancing in his life, did beautifully-he had this 'star quality', you see and was accepted into the school where Akasuna promptly appointed himself as Deidara's personal tutor."
*brief silence for the mental images*
"Hmm...Why do you think Sasori no Akasuna decided that Deidara could make a good dancer just from a single glimpse of him? Mr Momomichi, do you know?"
"Well, I never liked Sasori but I can unequivocally say that he thought Deidara would be good in a tutu because of his proportions. He had a hip-to-waist ratio that many of the dancers then and now would have killed to have, his legs were long, he was small and very skinny due to years of malnutrition-basically, he had the ideal body of a female dancer. Sasori was also a complete paedophile and Deidara may not have been wearing very much when they first met, so it was no wonder that he picked up on Deidara's body quite so quickly."
"And they soon became lovers, did they not?"
"Yes-any private tutoring sessions soon became something more, although I seriously question the morality of any man who would sleep with an eleven-year old boy, no matter how pretty they may have been!"
"Although he was very beautiful even at that tender age, correct? It was not hard to see why men were attracted to him, especially when he danced."
"Oh, Deidara was stunning! The first time I saw him I remember being insanely jealous of his hair because it was so silky and thick (although completely unsuitable for a dancer-not at all bun-friendly!), and he had the most lovely eyes...No, Deidara was exquisite-just that he had the sort of crazy beauty that attracted ne'er do well older men like bears to honey. And it only increased as he got older...I believe he was at his most beautiful when he was about twenty-one, a few years before he died."
"Thank you for that insight, Mr Momomichi. But he was horribly teased about his looks-which were quite feminine-throughout his entire life. Quite often he said that he hated his body and wished that he was someone completely different."
"He did indeed, Shino, although many were very jealous of him. I recently went to see an exhibition at the Tsunade and Dan Museum in Konoha of all the costumes worn by him during his career and they had the tiniest wasp-waists and the most beautiful body shapes-as they had been designed to fit him perfectly. Not that he ever actually wore tutus, obviously. For someone who danced so many female parts he never wore girlish outfits and I admire him for that."
"True, Ino, although I did once see him in high heels. And Sasori often dressed him up in very feminine outfits-to us, it was almost as if Deidara was his own little dancing doll. Or perhaps some extremely sinister form of puppet?"
"I think that was the impression many people got of their relationship at the time. Nonetheless, Deidara trained under Akasuna for several years (actually learning the basics of ballet and all that) before being forced to join Akatsuki at the age of fourteen. Ms Yamanaka, why was this?"
"Well, Akatsuki at the time were a very powerful and influential group of the best dancers in the business, and they wanted Deidara to join-something about potential, I think. He quite clearly refused and so...they forced him to join. The exact details are unknown, but Itachi Uchiha is believed to have been involved. Haku, do you know?"
*dismayed gasp*
"I'm sorry, I haven't a clue! I was in Kirigakure at the time and Deidara never mentioned it to me after I returned-mind you, I highly doubt he mentioned it to anyone. He hated it when something chipped at his pride in any way..."
"You've both mentioned Itachi Uchiha in relation to Deidara now, so I'll ask you this. Do you believe they were lovers?"
"Not in the slightest! Deidara absolutely unequivocally hated Itachi with every fibre of his being, and vice versa!"
"Ms Yamanaka?"
"Mmm...I don't know. I did ask Mr Uchiha that when I finally got the opportunity to interview him before his untimely death from coronary heart failure five years after Deidara kicked the bucket and he denied that they had ever been in love, but I'm still not convinced. Opposites attract, right?"
"Love and lust are very different things...and both were very attractive...Say, is it weird that we're talking mainly about dead people?"
"Don't worry, you get used to it. Just think of them as...Queen Victoria only you...knew her? What the fudge? Ah...where were we? Ms Yamanaka?"
"Um...opposites attract? Ah, that works because they were vastly different people with completely polarised styles of dancing, right?"
"Ah, yeah! Nice save, Ms Yamanaka...Well, as we know Itachi Uchiha was portrayed to all the little children at the time as the perfect dancer to be like because he was both beautiful and traditional on the dancefloor. Any and all steps he stepped were completely textbook and enchanting to watch-I believe he was often used in training videos-however; whilst I always thought it was remarkable to be able to do something quite so perfectly, I often thought that it was basically copying the ways of the past. No originality, just conservative beauty."
"Hmm, yes. And Deidara was the complete Anti-Itachi. He danced how he felt and when he felt without giving a flying fuck-pardon my language, but you said fudge and we all know what that means-about tradition or convention."
"Absolutely, Ino! Watching Deidara dance was just amazing...his dances would be something completely different every time because he'd be dancing beautifully to this very old piece but if he forgot a step or couldn't be bothered to do what the dance said he'd just add in a random ceiling-touching leap or a massive pirouette. And he danced very, very fast and very passionately."
"He never choreographed any dances, though. So all the dances he did were filmed and some other poor schmucks had to note down the steps as he danced them. And when they gave him a copy, saying 'this is your dance' he'd just throw them in the fire because he couldn't stand anything he created being eternal-ergo, dull. It was soon worked out that copies should be made before Deidara got his hands on them..."
"For one who hated dancing so much, he did seem to give his heart and soul to his performances. Ms Yamanaka, why do you think this was?"
"Yes, Shino, he did-but we think that was because he viewed true art as something that should be fleeting and exquisite for a single moment, never left to rot for all eternity. A pure but brief glimpse of true beauty, perhaps? Therefore, Deidara saw no reason why this shouldn't be applied to dancing as well and as such put all his passion and energy into each individual performance to make them special and exciting-but above all, beautiful."
"And did he succeed, Mr Momomichi?"
"What do you think? Deidara would appear on stage and the audience would have no idea what was going to happen-but they'd know that they would never have seen anything like it in a dance before. He wasn't just technically brilliant; he was fantastically inventive when it came to pushing the very limits of ballet. Seeing him practice was an experience and a half, although he often got fed up and buggered off half-way through a song to go and sleep with whatever significant other he had at the time."
*delicate snort*
"Does anyone else think we're talking complete mush?"
"We're on the radio, Ms Yamanaka. It's what we do! And thank you Mr Momomichi-that brings us nicely back to our original point."
"Which was?"
"I'm getting there! Christ, woman, just because we went to the same Infants school does not mean you can publicly humiliate me on air!"
"You two went to the same school?! Like ohmigod! That is so sweet! Are you in love?!"
"Hardly. Anyway, on with the programme! So, Deidara joined Akatsuki and began even more training with them, as they were clearly keen to utilise his talent-what? Why are you sniggering?"
*light snicker*
"Oh, nothing. I was just thinking about that time in Year Two when you tried to cut off your afro and replace it with sand and glue like your older brother..."
"Shut up! He was a skinhead and I knew no better! Aw, now everybody's laughing at me again...I can practically see the pitying stares and the amused lines on the foreheads of my draconian teachers..."
*audible shuddering*
"Can we leave this subject now? Please? Haven't you damaged my masculinity enough already by making me do an entire feature on ballet?"
"Hmm, true. But I'll be telling Haku all about our shared childhood after the programme."
"Yaay! Thank you, Ino! BLACKMAIL!"
"Moving swiftly on...Deidara joined the Akatsuki and began a very vigorous training regime with all of its members, I believe, although he remained under the primary tutelage of Akasuna until his death at the age of fifty-nine seven years later. Soon enough he began appearing in Akatsuki-produced shows and for a considerable time he was not allowed back to Suna-the Akatsuki ran their own academy in Amegakure under the leadership of legendary flamenco dancer Pein Jones-or to perform private shows. Nonetheless, his fame still grew."
"It did indeed. Deidara greatly contributed to Akatsuki's fame amongst the young and uninterested in dance due to his amazing charisma and they in turn helped him become recognised as a legitimate dancer amongst the traditionalists of ballet. Not that he actually cared, of course. I think-Haku, can you verify this?-that it was around this point that he first fell pregnant?"
"Eh? Perhaps, because he didn't perform for several weeks around about the October-November crossover period so he could have had the abortion-I know he had one because he was horribly shaken up over it at the time and he had never been one for feeling guilty but he went very quiet and almost shellshocked over this-at around that point. Was he still with Sasori at that point, Shino?"
"Yes. But their relationship was pretty rocky at the best of times-you know, proper on-again off-again soap opera material. So whilst it was Akasuna's child and he'd pressured Deidara to have the abortion I don't know if they were a proper couple at the time, although they would continue sleeping with each other up until Akasuna's death."
"Of course he would go on to have two subsequent abortions later in life. I doubt he ever wanted children, and he realised he had to put his dancing first if he didn't want to starve."
"Mm, Ino-do you think having to kill his unborn children in order to stay in Akatsuki and not get thrown out onto the streets was what drove him mad?"
"Personally, I think he was always a bit of a nutter-but that the event that cracked the catalyst was Akasuna's death. That broke his mind and his heart."
"He often said that Akasuna was the only man he'd 'ever truly loved', did he not? Despite having numerous flings with other members of Akatsuki (most notably Pein Jones, Hidan Smith and Zetsu Lloyd-Webber) whilst still with Akasuna Deidara did appear to really love him."
"Oh, he would have died for his Danna! He was completely devoted to the bastard...Now I'm not sure about this but from what I saw of their relationship when I was first training at Suna it appeared that Deidara viewed Sasori as some sort of god-like figure who was willing to treat a dirty little prostitute with no particular talents in a...well, I wouldn't call it respectable or considerate...Oh, he just told Deidara he was beautiful and that he wanted to make him into a puppet. Sasori was fascinated by Deidara-he once said that Deidara was the pride of his collection of puppets. And somehow Deidara fell in love with that."
"That's...so weird."
"Yeah..."
"Not really. When you have nothing you can fall in love with anything, and if you have a precious person-no matter who or what they may be-you'll do anything for them. I would for my husband, so why should we regard Sasori and Deidara's love as anything different?"
"You love your husband, Mr Momomichi?"
"Of course! Zabuza is my gorgeous little honeybun and I can't imagine life without him! It would be like...like life without the sky or Starbucks! Those things are everywhere now..."
"But he loves you and respects you in a similar way?"
"Of course, otherwise we'd be a very bad couple. In an equal relationship it shouldn't matter about sexual positions or whatnot, you should treat each other with respect, courtesy and love at all times because you feel that the other deserves it."
"But Akasuna and Deidara had none of this, correct?
"They had something completely different that was not based on conventional relationship rules, ok! Neither of them ever found love before, after or since in the same way so they damn well took what they were given! Can't you just accept that some people love a little differently to others? Jeez..."
"How about we move on now, eh?"
"Good idea, Ino. What happens next?"
"Uh...God, I hate this Wikipedia page-it makes no sense...apparently Deidara was very successful in Akatsuki, performed for the Queen of England herself, greatly increased Akatsuki's popularity and performed at a number of highly successful shows, although he never tried to train any aspiring dancers. He did, however, like his fans."
"He always was a bit vain..."
"No shit! So, he was okay for a few years...and then Akasuna had the good sense to drop down dead after being rather sneakily poisoned by his drug-dealing Head-of-the-Mafia grandmother and an unnamed pink-haired accomplice. Although why anyone would want to kill a ballet dancer is beyond me...it's all gone a bit too 'Godfather' in my opinion."
"I know he's my cousin and all...but I'm so glad I'm not him!"
"God, that sort of life would drive you mad!"
"It did. So, Akasuna died and Deidara was devastated but nonetheless he carried on performing to the best of his ability by order of Akatsuki, who had had several members die on them before. And he was given an aspiring ballet dancer called Tobi Uchiha (whom I think had dropped out of medical school to go and dance his socks off after seeing 'Hairspray') to whip into shape."
"Heh...Deidara and Tobi were very funny together, actually. Tobi was very good for him-he taught Deidara how to lighten up and live a little, especially in the aftermath of Sasori's death. And he showed him how someone should actually be loved, because Tobi would have done anything for his beloved Sempai, no matter how much Deidara yelled at him or called him an idiot. It was...refreshing to see Deidara smile out of pure amusement now and again, and Tobi lived for those smiles."
"Nicely put, Mr Momomichi. And for a while it seemed like they were going to, uh, 'get together', did it not? Ms Yamanaka, what do you think?"
"I think it was terribly sad that Deidara and Tobi never truly got to the long-term relationship stage because you could see how good it would have been for them. They both made the other genuinely happy-Tobi adored Deidara and had for a very long time, he made a special point each day to buy him flowers and to tell him how special he was-and Deidara would have died for Tobi, despite their differences. I think he liked the fact that Tobi let him have a hand in their relationship-he was really respected unlike in all his previous relationships and flings, and Deidara liked the feeling of having some small control over his life. Tobi was still on top, though."
"Well, he was very tall. But their budding love was cut short by the arrival of one Madara Uchiha, I believe? This, of course, was Tobi and Itachi's uncle who had expressed a keen interest in buying the Amegakure Dance Academy and managing the dancers involved-particularly Deidara. Mr Momomichi, did you ever meet him?"
"Only once where he actually spoke to me apart from at the official inquest into Deidara's suicide, but that was by far and away enough for my liking! He came to visit Tobi and Itachi several times-although Itachi was working in Konoha-and each time I saw him I got this queer sick feeling in my stomach-no, he was a thoroughly slimy man. And his interest in Deidara was hardly appropriate."
"I have to agree with Haku here. Whilst Madara Uchiha may be a very handsome and eloquent man, he had no excuse to cut Deidara and Tobi's relationship short just so he could fuck him instead. Sorry, sorry-language. But I just don't like him-at the inquest into Deidara's death he was perfectly horrid, calling my cousin a stupid little whore who couldn't recognise reality if it smacked him in the face."
"So you both thought this at the time?"
"Um...I did, but that was because I'd seen him alienate Tobi away from Deidara just so he could move in on him. And that I didn't like that one bit-none of us did. Tsunade-sama (she was the head of the Konoha Ballet Academy then and knew them both well) was very cross about it..."
"I only knew what the papers told me before the inquest. So as Tobi and Deidara kept their relationship very quiet it seemed to most of the world that Madara had gallantly swept in to pick up the pieces of Deidara's frail heart after the tragic demise of his one true love. Of course, I now know all of that to be complete and utter codswallop."
"And what sort of relationship did they have? Madara was the last man in Deidara's life so it could easily be said that he triggered Deidara's suicide-which, as we know, took place nine months after they were married."
"The newspaper coverage of their wedding-which took place just after Tobi had left for Konoha on a 'surprise visit' to go and stay with Itachi-was certainly sumptuous and both looked very happy, I suppose. However, the inquest revealed that Deidara had been practically forced into the marriage by Madara on threat of being kicked out of Akatsuki. And all the while Tobi thought Deidara was genuinely in love with Madara-because, let's face it, Deidara did seem to go for much older and much more dominating men in his gloriously self-destructing relationships."
"I think Deidara just took what was given to him and was thankful each day that someone apparently cared enough to want to sleep with him in most of his relationships, and never dared question to issue of happiness. He never expected to get it except when blowing stuff up, so he never looked. But with Madara he did try and rebel against the path Fate had laid for him-he would never ever touch him willingly in public, he never referred to him in the same way he had done with Tobi or Sasori, he refused to let him come backstage after a show (although Madara tended to ignore this one), he would ignore him when he came to watch him and his students practice...Endless little things that Deidara did to try and show that he really wasn't in love."
"Interesting stuff indeed. But would you say that Madara was responsible for Deidara killing himself?"
"You can never pin suicide on just one thing, can you? I f I were to try and analyse it-and believe me, I have-I'd say that Deidara's childhood and the feeling of embittered worthlessness he gained during it transcended through all of his relationships-which never ended well because of whom he picked-as well as his sheer hatred of the world he was living in, the judgements people passed and the way they viewed his real art had culminated throughout the years...but any thoughts of suicide were triggered when Akasuna died. His marriage to Madara after approximately six months of them knowing each other only served to speed things along. However, that's just my humble opinion (based on all the evidence I could possibly find!)"
"And Mr Momomichi? What do you think?"
"Um...am I allowed to tell a moderately explicit story on the radio? It's not too bad, it's just that there's some sex in it..."
"You should be fine, Ms Yamanaka has already sworn twice. Besides, I'm the one who'll lose my job! No, no-I jest. Go ahead and weave that funky magic."
"What? Uh, well, I mainly believe that Madara killed Deidara long before he killed himself. By that I mean killed his spirit-Deidara had this amazing inner fire and Madara completely quenched that. It had been extinguished when Sasori died and Tobi had re-kindled it-now Madara stomped on it like a mean little boy and an ant hill."
"Where's the sex in that?"
"I'm getting there, Ino! Are you honestly that horny?"
"I'd rather not answer that question..."
*pause for the mental images*
"Ick...anyway, my story's pretty short and it's not really a story, more of an anecdote-"
"Mr Momomichi, could you please hurry up? Time is running as fast as a chocolate bar possibly could from an approaching Akimichi..."
"Sorry, sorry! Anyway, my story is this: It was about a week before Deidara's death and it was very late at Suna-we'd just finished a big performance of '1001 Arabian Nights' which we'd loved doing very much-and there was no-one about except myself and some creepy-looking mannequins."
"Is there a point to this or are you just trying to generate publicity, Haku?"
"Oi! So it was very dark and quiet as I made my way onto the stage, where I did a few pirouettes and the like-we all did, don't look at me like that! The stage is a place where dreams are made!-until I heard this strange little sound, a sort of cross between a moan and a yell."
"No prizes for guessing where this is going..."
"Oy vey, I knew you would be annoying! So I heard this weird little noise and I decided to try and find it in case it was an abandoned kitten that I could take home and put on Zabuza-bear's head to make him admit he liked small furry things-"
"Zabuza-bear?"
"Shut up! Carrying on, I was looking around for this kitten when I stumbled across this open door and in it...I found Madara and Deidara 'doing it'."
"At least give us some details! We're dying here, you prude!"
"Fine! It was Madara and Deidara and they were having sex in a store cupboard where we used to keep old curtains! They weren't naked, but Madara was flushed and panting and had bent Deidara over a big roll of curtain so his ass was in the air. He'd pulled his trousers down and was thrusting into Deidara from behind for all he was worth, all the while touching Deidara everywhere he could reach-his back, his face, his hair and legs...It was extremely disconcerting to watch-Madara dominated the entire thing; Deidara just seemed to be this limp little sex-doll whom he could use and abuse time and time again."
"Thank you, Haku. I needed that."
"I'm not finished yet! So Madara continued to thrust into Deidara whilst I very speedily hid behind a freshly-painted rocking horse, and he was moaning and sweating and the like. However, Deidara had gone completely white and was clutching onto a piece of curtain as if his life depended on it. His eyes were screwed shut-"
"Literally?"
"-and these big fat tears were rolling down his cheeks. The weird little moaning noise earlier had been Madara, actually-Deidara stayed completely silent throughout the entire process. He didn't move and he certainly didn't come for Madara."
"And you watched this?!"
"I had nothing better to do! Shino, do not judge! I'll have you know that this was really useful evidence at the inquest-mind you, I also saw Deidara's actual suicide...Anyway, I think Madara was raping him then-although it's not rape if you're married. After Madara came, he pulled out-by the way, his penis is enormous! I have no idea how Deidara took it without screaming his head off-of Deidara and just sort of left him there lying on the curtains. I think he said something along the lines of 'you're a foolish little whore now Dei-chan, so why do you suppose you can ever be anything else?' before bending down and hissing something that I didn't hear but was probably malevolent in Deidara's ear. And then he kissed him and left."
"Good story. Could you ever look at Deidara in the same way ever again?"
"It's not over yet...and no. Nonetheless, he died a week later so I only got so long to look at him and think 'fucktoy'. Can I carry on?"
"Please do. I'll probably lose my job if you get any more explicit but Kiba's hidden all the porn at home so little Rover doesn't see it-ergo, fire away!"
"Nice...anyway, Dei was just left there as if for dead. He stayed liked that for a few minutes before struggling up and wincing, but he wasn't crying and upset. Well, he was crying-the big fat tears were still falling-but I don't think he'd noticed. Honestly, he seemed angrier than anything else...his face just twisted into one of the most manic expressions of pure hatred I have ever seen, all directed at the door Madara had strolled through, and his eyes had this crazy psycho-killer glint in them that (quite frankly) scared the living daylights out of me. Then he started muttering under his breath in this really nasty voice-stuff like 'I'll kill that fucking bastard if it's the last thing I ever do, un' and 'he deserves to have his eyeballs ripped out and shoved up his arse before I strangle him with his own intestines and dance in his blood, un-my art is too good a death for him.' Deidara just got more and more agitated until he was literally jumping around the room trying to find a weapon with which to kill his husband-I stepped in at this point."
"Cor, I knew he was a nutjob. What did you do?"
"I just walked over to him-he was trying to rip a suitably sharp piece of wood off a doorframe-and told him to calm down. He didn't seem massively surprised to see me, so I got him a glass of water then gave him a great big hug. Finally he collapsed (sobbing) onto the rolls of curtains, wailing about how much he hated Madara, how he'd (Madara) already tried to force him three times today, how much he wanted to leave Suna and go back to Tobi and how Madara had threatened to kill him if he (Deidara) ever tried to give up ballet and become an artist like he'd always dreamed. I just hugged him a bit more."
"Wow, those guys had problems. So you do believe Madara was responsible for Deidara's death?"
"I think that Madara killed Deidara's dreams, which resulted in Deidara's suicide-or if that didn't happen Deidara would have happily murdered Madara. And I doubt he'd be sent to jail-if I was Madara's husband I would have inadvertently pushed him off the white cliffs of Dover loooong ago!"
"And you were a witness to Deidara's actual suicide five days later? My God, what must have that been like?"
*long pause*
"Absolutely unequivocally awful. Ino may be his relative but she never knew him-I was his friend and to see that happen to someone you love is...shocking? Terrifying? We all knew he'd entered into this terrible spiral of depression but to actually see someone blow themselves up...Ack, I still have flashbacks."
"Good Lord...would you mind telling us about it or-?"
"No, no. Haku already had to tell this story a thousand times in court so if he wants I'll tell it."
"Ms Yamanaka? Mr Momomichi, is that acceptable?"
"Uh, yeah...that's fine....I feel a little bit sick...can I have some water?"
"Certainly, certainly. I wouldn't offer two such verbose guests anything less!"
*water is gotten and Haku does not throw up because that would be ick*
"How do you feel?"
"A bit better...if you like, Ino and I can co-tell the story."
"Whatever you're happy with, Mr Momomichi."
"Okay then! I'll start-as we all know, Deidara blew himself up at the age of twenty-four and at approximately eleven minutes past three on Sunday the 15th of January almost exactly five years ago, and five people were there to witness it. One of them as we know is Haku, the others were Tsunade McMurphy, Kisame Hoshigaki, Madara Uchiha and last but not least Tobi Uchiha, who managed to get in at the last minute. The others...well, Madara had run after Deidara fearing he'd do something stupid, Haku and Tsunade were just passing by and no-one had a clue what Kisame Hoshigaki was doing there-he later said something about picking up some new ballet shoes for Itachi. Tobi almost missed it, but he caught the end of the blast after he'd turned his car around and had rushed all the way back to the Suna School. Haku, do you want to set the scene?"
"Okay...All I actually saw beforehand was Deidara dash past me in one of Suna's many little corridors, and I paid no attention to it because quite frankly I thought he just needed the toilet. And then I bumped into Tsunade-sama, who was staying with us at the time. She'd also seen Deidara. And then we both saw Madara tear past us with a very worried look on his face yelling Deidara's name at the top of his lungs....it was pretty obvious they'd had some sort of fight. We let him run past us and it was silent for a few minutes...but suddenly we heard him screaming 'Deidara, no!'-that was when we followed him...on the way we met Kisame, who'd also heard Madara's scream."
"Well done, Haku. Do you want me to carry on?"
"No, I'm okay...Anyway, we (Kisame, Tsunade-sama and I) ran down the corridor until we reached the stage-we came in from stage left, by the way. I remember that it was a very bright day for January...it was cold but the light that flooded through the windows onto the stage lit everything up as if we were in Heaven. All the dust in the air was sparkling, but most of the light fell on Deidara and Madara, who were in front of us and already on the stage. Madara had his back to us-all we could see was his hair, but that was glowing like sapphires in the sunlight-and he was yelling to Deidara to 'put it down, don't you dare do it'... Obviously, we had no idea what was going on. Kisame was taller than Tsunade and I and he clearly saw something because he let out this awful gasp and rushed forward yelling the same things as Madara. Stuff like 'it's not worth it' and 'Deidara, no!' But Deidara clearly wasn't listening, so we moved forwards and..."
*small emotional sob, because this is Haku we're talking about*
"...and we saw Deidara with this massive knife in his hands and covered in blood. He was kneeling on the floor of the stage-there were loose floorboards all around him-and he'd clearly just stabbed himself in the chest. Well, I say stabbed but actually he'd cut a hole in the right side of his chest (he was left-handed), thereby puncturing his lung. And this time he was properly crying and meaning it...his lung was punctured, but he kept on yelling at Madara about how much he hated him or something like that-I don't remember and I only found out afterwards. Kisame remembers what he said much better than me because he was closer. Ino, can you narrate for a bit?"
"Sure thing. At this point Madara ran over to Deidara and shook him, yelling that he was a suicidal fool and that Tobi wasn't worth it. Sure, Deidara had cut a massive hole in his lung but Madara figured he could still survive if he got him to hospital in time...however; nothing prepared him for what Deidara did next. He just grinned very slowly at his husband-like a horribly twisted Cheshire Cat-and held up a hand grenade-"
"Where on Earth did he get that?!"
"Uh, the Suna School had quite a large supply of weaponry left over from the war and we kept them under the stage...we had some knives, three AK47s and a small supply of dynamite as well as a box of hand grenades. It was all perfectly legal, but just in case...Eheh."
"I'm not even going to ask. Ms Yamanaka, please proceed."
"-Deidara held up the hand grenade and the manic smile got bigger and bigger. He wasn't happy-it was something much more twisted, although he was by this point having trouble breathing because of the whole cut-a-hole-in-my-lung thing. However-and this was where the story started to scare me when I first heard it-he then dipped a finger in his own freshly-spilt blood and drew a grotesque smiling mouth on Madara-just a big red semicircle-before collapsing into hysterical giggles. And then he said-correct me if I'm wrong, Haku-'Now look at you, un. Smiling as you watch me die-I always knew you would, yeah...now all your little dreams have come true. Your little whore never did amount to anything, un, but in death who knows? I'm aiming to become Art here, you bastard...and you won't stop me.' With that he lopped the top off the hand grenade and plunged it deep into the hole in his chest."
"Good God, is that even possible?"
"We live and learn, Shino, we live and learn. Although I think ideally he would have liked to have swallowed caesium and then water or something and not have to go through the whole rigmarole of cutting himself open...Nonetheless, he did it and he had just shoved the grenade inside his lung when the main door burst open and there was Tobi, in all his orange glory. Now he took one look at the situation-Deidara and Madara kneeling on the floor and covered in blood, Kisame, Tsunade-sama and Haku (I believe it was Kisame who called the ambulance?) in various poses of shock and horror-and did the only sensible thing possible. Being of sound logic, he ran towards Deidara whilst Madara and the others got the hell away because they had about-oh, four seconds before the grenade exploded? Luckily Tobi didn't make it in time and the blast knocked him backwards into the doorway...Madara and the others had been less lucky-Kisame got a large piece of floorboard in his leg and Madara lost consciousness. You and Tsunade-sama hid behind a door, right?"
"No, we hid behind Kisame and some old bits of scenery. They probably saved our lives."
"Righty-ho. Deidara obviously died (as one does when one is blown up from the inside out) and the entire school heard the blast, so the police arrived pretty quickly and an ambulance had arrived at the same time that promptly took Kisame and Madara away. Tobi, Haku and Tsunade-sama were physically fine-just a few grazes and a lot of shock."
"It took three days for the forensics to...remove Deidara's body because it had gone...everywhere. There was so much blood! I had no idea how much blood people had in them until I suddenly saw it all! And then he exploded and I couldn't shut my eyes even though I desperately wanted to and he just flew...everywhere. He wasn't Deidara at that moment; he was a million pieces of some demonic angel. It took years to paint over all the blood..."
"It's all right, Mr Momomichi. Would you like some a biscuit?"
"Yes, please..."
*the sounds of nibbling*
"And his funeral was held two weeks later? Ms Yamanaka, I think you'd better answer this one."
"Fine by me. Yes, the funeral-closed-casket, obviously-was held two weeks later because Madara didn't wake up until then nor could Kisame walk. The police also wanted time to gather up all the bits of Deidara's body and examine them before letting them be buried. Obviously, they didn't find much-no traces of drugs, alcohol or any other foreign substance-so it was confirmed that he'd been completely sober when he'd killed himself. Just things like that. But the world and his wife attended Deidara's funeral-the entire population of Suna, all his friends and all the Akatsuki, government ministers and other random celebrities...At this point we (that is, my father and I) had no idea we were related to him as we thought my aunt, her lover and her baby had been killed in the first waves of the Iwagakure fire-bombing years ago. So when the official inquest into Deidara's death began we were shocked to hear that he was my cousin/my father's nephew. Aunt Agatha had left the Yamanaka family after they refused to let her marry a Konoha whelk-seller, you see, and we all thought that she'd left nothing behind..."
"I remember the papers all having screaming headlines about it-'The Nation's Darling Dancer Driven To Suicide' and that sort of tosh. And when they decided to do a DNA test because he had no known family and you were revealed as his only living relatives you got a great deal of media attention. Was it worth it?"
"Yes and no. One the one hand, I got a (dead but) famous relative. On the other hand, Daddy and I haven't got a moment's peace since, especially with such a high-profile character-millions of people have been ringing up for the last five years asking if they can have interviews, do photo shoots or write books about 'The Nephew Inoichi Yamanaka Never Knew'. It's pretty troublesome, actually."
"I understand. And obviously there was a massive inquest-if there hadn't been the public would have demanded one, they loved him that much. Despite having no body to examine, what did it reveal? Aside from your shared DNA, of course."
"It revealed an awful lot of things, actually-including the exact circumstances surrounding his death. And although there was no whole body, we did have his latest medical records which were from three days before his death-dancers need to have regular medical examinations in case they sprain something and ignore it or accidentally starve themselves to death. These records-which we used in court-showed that at the time Deidara was, according to Dr Maito Gai of Konoha General Hospital, grossly underweight (even for someone of his stature), covered in unexplained bruising (particularly on his hips, waist, thighs, forearms and neck), showed some physical symptoms of violent rape and was finally 'far too peaky' and had no energy. He didn't eat anything for a few days before he died-we think he just sort of...forgot."
"And was this used against Madara Uchiha in court?"
"We decided not to let the case go to court-we figured enough people had been hurt already, although a great many people disagreed with us at the time."
"Ah, but was that your decision to make?"
"Yes, the decision was given to his family and his friends so we-the Akatsuki, my family, Haku and various others-decided that we didn't want to attract unwanted attention to Deidara's death. Because let's face it, if we had decided to sue or convict Madara for rape or something similar, could you imagine the outcry that would have followed? And what would we have achieved fighting for such an unusual case? Deidara was dead and we didn't want Madara's money...Therefore we released all the evidence we had and there was a scandal...but we decided to let it die down without anyone else suffering. Madara had lost his husband whom he had loved very dearly-what more punishment did he need?"
"Besides, a lot of the evidence was very incriminating...on both sides. We also wanted to preserve Deidara's dignity in death-let's face it, the last thing you want people to remember you by is the amount of press coverage your abysmal marriage received."
"Thank you for sharing. I do remember reading about it and just thinking 'what the hell?' Now, final question on this topic-what were the exact circumstances surrounding his death? Please remind us-because if I remember rightly this caused quite a lot of hoo-ha at the time..."
"Well yes, because when they were revealed we could have used them quite effectively to write a smash-hit drama. Anyway, it appeared that Sunday the 15th of January had been a very busy day for Deidara. He had been squabbling with his husband all week-apparently Deidara was actually trying to file for divorce but failed because Madara's permission was also needed-and their relationship was at rock bottom."
"But this wasn't all that was found out, was it?"
"No-because on that day Tobi decided to visit and see if he could somehow win Deidara back (remember that he and the general public thought that him and Madara were very much in love). So he arrived but Madara got to him first...and because Madara is and was a conniving sneak he managed to convince Tobi that Deidara had never loved him- that he was a whore who had only used him and that someone with that sort of background and reputation could never truly love."
"Ouch...that must have broken Tobi's heart."
"That was the point. Furthermore, it was completely false-Deidara may have said that Akasuna was the only man he'd ever truly loved but he'd been filing for divorce precisely to go back and live the rest of his life with Tobi. But Madara had got in the way once again-and Tobi, his heart broken and full of bitterness, had turned around and left."
"And Deidara-who had been sulking in a garret or something-came down and saw Tobi's car leaving Suna's driveway. As he had no knowledge of the visit that had just taken place he did what any lovestruck twenty-something would do-he ran after the car."
"Hello, Mr Momomichi! Good to have you back with us-I thought you'd died for a minute..."
"Very funny. Anyway, Deidara dashed after the car yelling Tobi's name really rather loudly-like I said, the entire school heard it, although I myself did not see the event take place-with this crazy grin on his face until the car stopped just by the gates. And Tobi verily got out-only something seemed different about him."
"Well, he had just been told that the love of his life was an unfaithful whore."
"As soon as Tobi got out, Deidara practically glomped him. You know, kissing him and just trying to hug him to death-he was unbelievably relieved to see Tobi because Madara had been hitting him a lot lately and he knew that Tobi would never do that to him...Tobi said at the inquest that Deidara had mumbled 'I knew you'd come back for me, yeah' in true fairy princess style before kissing him. And from the main entrance of the Suna School Madara watched the entire thing."
"I'll talk now!"
"Of course you will, Ino..."
"And what is that supposed to mean?"
"Oh, nothing..."
*pause for almost affectionate glares*
"Anyway, Deidara (who failed to notice that Tobi was leaving) was convinced that Tobi had come to rescue him from Madara. However, when he hugged him Tobi simply pushed him away with a coldness we had never seen before-remember that Tobi was and still is the nicest man on the planet. Obviously Deidara was confused...Nonetheless; Tobi continued to reject his hugs and after about a minute of Deidara asking Tobi what the hell was going on he grabbed him by the upper arms-(one of the reasons Deidara had originally loved Tobi was because although he was a Uchiha and therefore pretty violent he had never raised a hand against Deidara, unlike both Itachi and Madara)-and told him to shut the fuck up."
"Tobi then got very close to Deidara and hissed 'why the fuck should I believe a lying little whore like you when he says he loves me? Madara's told me all about you, you slut. You never loved me so why the hell should I care about you?' When Deidara tried to protest, saying that Madara was lying and that he'd always loved Tobi, Tobi simply backhanded him across the face and drove off, leaving Deidara lying in the driveway sobbing his heart out."
"I'm very tempted to say 'blood will out'..."
"No, no-when Tobi told this bit of the story at the inquest he was crying too-he was unbearably ashamed of himself and felt like Deidara's suicide was all his fault just because he hit him. He still loved him-but Deidara was his first love and Madara's words had gone straight to his head. And if it helps, he unequivocally blames himself. The poor boy cries himself to sleep every night because of what he did, which is significantly more than Madara does."
"And what happened after this?"
"Well, Deidara was left crying in the driveway, yelling to Tobi (who was driving away) that he did love him and that Madara was a filthy liar. After about fifteen minutes of that, I think Tsunade came and brought him back inside....where he ran into Madara. Now, Madara had not intended for Deidara to ever see Tobi ever again so he was rather keen to avoid a confrontation. Deidara, however, wanted to rip his lying throat out. A massive argument promptly occurred, in which Deidara called Madara a ''motherfucking scumbag who wouldn't know a decent haircut if it was shoved up his ass' and in which Madara tactfully reminded Deidara that they were still married, ergo running off with Tobi would be considered illegal by the Suna authorities."
"Now Deidara thought this was all a bit rich coming from El Scumbag himself, considering he'd cheated on Deidara with whomsoever he had fancied throughout their entire marriage whilst Deidara was forced on pain of crotchmuffin to stay faithful. So he practically exploded at Madara-he'd always had an awful temper, but it had never been as bad as it was just then. The yelling echoed throughout the entire east wing of the building-however, when Deidara worked out what Madara had actually done to his and Tobi's relationship was when it got nasty."
"I believe he tried to kill Madara with a large rocking horse?"
"Yes, he threw it at him and just missed. So he tried again with a table and several brass candlesticks-to his credit, he was screaming at the time and most of the objects did hit their target (Madara's face.)"
"But this obviously failed, did it not?"
"Well, yeah. Madara easily overpowered Deidara and tried to calm him down-elephant tranquilisers, perhaps?-but my cousin-"
"You like saying that, don't you?"
"Hell yeah! My cousin managed to wriggle free and thwack Madara in the crotch with another heavy-duty candlestick. After this was when Madara started getting nasty, trying to almost strangle Deidara and saying the most horrible things...Eh, before you ask it was stuff like 'filthy little cunt who can't see when someone's doing them a motherfucking favour stopping them from going out and spreading their STDs' and 'you'll never be an artist in a billion years, you stupid piece of shit-all you're good for is fucking and dancing, in that order'. Not the most pleasant of exchanges. Deidara said similar things back, if you were wondering-he never did like being outdone."
"Jeez...all my happy little dreams of the ballet industry as a nice, respectable world suitable for your young daughters have been completely shattered. Who would have thought that dancers would have had such bad language?"
"It is said that the Uchihas were originally sailing folk..."
"Nice. So, with his dreams and his marriage in tatters Deidara ran from the scene after a few more violent verbal (and physical) exchanges with Madara...and the rest, as they say, is history. What a death!"
"Oh, it gets worse. Remember Tobi? He had driven away with his heart broken but the last thing he had heard Deidara say was that he loved him-so he was stuck in a lay-by deciding whether to believe Deidara or Madara. Eventually he went with what his heart told him and raced back to Suna to tell Deidara he loved him and was unbelievably sorry-and would he marry him? He was sure they could provide enough evidence to get Madara convicted for something nasty. However, he arrived just a few minutes too late..."
"And it's ironic because Deidara killed himself over Tobi not loving him any more when in fact he did and was rushing to tell him so! I swear this is the plot of some tragi-novel or some really bad fanfiction..."
"I think we realised that, Mr Momomichi."
"Hmm, it's all very sad. Ah well, at least we know not to hide the weapons under the stage next time-right, Haku?"
"Ino, that's not funny."
"Now now, ladies. Please calm down-Ms Yamanaka, no dead baby jokes-I can see them forming in your brain so please refrain from voicing them out loud. Mr Momomichi, would you like another biscuit? We have, after all, nearly come to the end of our glorious programme."
"Hrmmm...."
"No thank you, Shino. I ate all the Jammy Dodgers earlier and no other biscuits are worth my time."
"Fair enough-I would say the same about chocolate-covered digestives. However, it is time for the last feature in this sizzling rollercoaster of a radio show! Ms Yamanaka and Mr Momomichi, you are currently making a movie about Deidara's life, correct? Can I have a part?"
*slight giggling, punctuated only by the sound of biscuits*
"You're welcome to be one of the chorus girls, Shino! I think you'd look fabulous in a tutu..."
"Heheh...yes, we're both working on making a feature-length film about the life and death of Deidara Awarii. It's called 'Blondie' (because we're obvious and it's funny), and it's rated 18 for language, violence and...Certain sexy scenes."
"You've not called it 'Deidara Deigns To Die', then?"
"Actually, that's not too bad-"
"NO, Haku! No über-depressing titles!"
"Fine, fine..."
"Um, would you care to give us some details? This is free advertising time, you know..."
"I'll talk. Well, when we first met at the inquest we both agreed that somehow Deidara should be remembered in some way and then after a while we both agreed that a film would be a really awesome way of doing it. Soon enough we had Tsunade-sama and the entire ballet school, as well as the remaining Akatsuki on board ready to play their original parts. Obviously the fact that three rather important people-Deidara, Sasori and Itachi-were dead didn't help, and Madara refused to co-operate with us from the word go...but we've had an awful lot of support from fans and from people who knew him. Tobi's been a tremendous help (although he didn't really want to play his original part, poor thing) with getting everything nice and accurate. Haku's been doing the choreography and I've been co-directing the whole thing with Neji Hyuuga-I swear, that man is more of a woman than I am! He's also married my childhood crush, the bitch...Still; he's an excellent director, especially for this sort of thing."
"And we're working with Ichiraku Studios, who are just lovely. Initially we had trouble with using the original locations and with getting the permission to film 'certain scenes' but they smoothed it all over beautifully and now we can do whatever the hell we like. The actors are really getting into it, too-Naruto Uzumaki's playing Deidara and he does it superbly."
"Naruto Uzumaki? How on Earth did he get the job-I thought he mainly did ramen commercials? Surely that must have been an extremely hard role to cast for?"
"Obviously there was a significant element of hardship involved-finding someone who looked vaguely like my cousin and could also act was never going to be easy. At one point we were seriously considering putting me in a wig and letting me play Deidara, despite me being a 28-year old woman. We also had Sai DingDonga and Gaara no Sabaku lined up to play the part, but Sai dropped out due to 'lack of penis' and Gaara thought it would be more fun to play Sasori instead-although physically he looks much more like Deidara than Naruto does. Nonetheless, we're happy with our decisions and seeing Naruto in an enormous blonde wig more than makes up for the fact that he's six foot one."
"It certainly sounds...interesting. I heard somewhere that it was going to be a musical?"
"No, sadly not. That option was vetoed pretty early on, although I for one think that a musical version of my cousin's life would be spectacular-"
"Oh dear. We're running out of time! Mr Momomichi, when will this extravaganza be released?"
"Um...it's still in production now...so another year or so if we're lucky? We'll be sure to let you know!"
"Thank you very much! Now, it's been riveting to have you two in the studio but unfortunately my miniscule time slot has come to an end!"
"Thank you very much for having us, Shino!"
"Yes, it's been...lovely?"
"No, thank you! Ladies and gentlemen, this has been me, Shino Aburame, with Great Lives on KBC Radio 4 with Ino Yamanaka and Haku Momomichi. A round of at-home applause for them please! Thank you very much...and now we have the news at fourteen minutes past seven with Laura Akimichi, but feel free to join me next Friday-where we shall be discussing the life and rather painful death of Kimmimaro Kaguya, the man who revolutionised the xylophone using his own bones! However, I think I'll leave you with this-from none other than Deidara Awarii himself speaking at a press conference during the five-day Five Countries International Ninja Dance Festival in 1998..."
"Why do I dance, yeah? I dance because I have to, un. Perhaps I dance because I like it. But most of all I dance because I believe that Art can be found anywhere-and if you can manage to turn a dusty old dance into a fleeting moment of pure beauty then you've truly achieved something, yeah. You might even have become an artist, un, and that's all I live for. I don't dance for you and I don't dance for me-I dance for Art and Sasori-danna can scoff all he likes but he knows it's true, yeah. And if people happen to witness me making Art...well, I hope they remember it for the rest of their lives, un, because they're never going to see it in any other form."
"How very true."
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N/B: Shit, that took years off my life! Twenty-three HellPages of HellDialouge....Well, I can only hope you guys like it. It's my first one-shot that I've typed up (I have some really old ItaKisa ones in some notebook somewhere) and now I never want to write anything ever again.
Now for some apologies. Yes, I know Deidara's not a squirt and not a ballet dancer-but Margot Fonteyn was and the Radio 4 programme I originally heard was about her! Obviously she didn't blow herself up but she did have three abortions and somehow I connected that with Deidara.
Secondly, I know nothing about ballet-I just imagined Deidara dancing and got something very very funny out of it. My ballet days (all girls had them) are long over, so please ignore any mistakes in ballet technicalities. Surely Pein as a flamenco dancer makes up for that? Also, any last names I didn't know...I made up. I've been using Pein Jones and Hidan Smith for a while now, but Zetsu Lloyd-Webber was a new one for me. If that's offended anyone because they're not Japanese enough, I'm sorry but I just don't care. I use names that fit, not names that are accurate. Besides, how Japanese is 'Pein'?
Thirdly, I LIKE MADS/DEI, HI/DEI, PEIN/DEI, SASO/DEI, ZET/DEI AND TOBI/DEI. I ALSO LIKE IBIKI/DEI...Any hints that I didn't are untrue and all nastiness towards Madara was purely circumstantial-I actually think he is awesome. In case you hadn't noticed, I'm only mean to the characters I really like. (Good example of this-Angel Academy Itachi. Man's a psycho but I love him.) So yeah, don't take that too seriously...same with all the swearing, sorry...
And finally, Haku is dull. If I'm ever writing him again (unlikely) I'm not making him squeamish or a dancer. Shino was the coolest thing in the story-but then again, he is awesome.
Really finally-I really want to see that film! Just for Naruto trying to be a graceful yet psychotic dancer and Gaara being a paedophile...that would make my year.
Thanks for reading, and see you next time!