THE JOLLY GOOD ADVENTURES OF

SPEEDY FUCKFLUTE AND OWENKIN SKYWILSON:

IN SEARCH OF THE BITCH BOI TREASURE

BY

ULTRASONICMEGACOOL

CHAPTER UNO

Faster than Faster than Fast

Speedy FuckFlute awoke in his old, worn down cone house, his engine was sore, so were his tires, and his hood, and his taillights, and his penis. He had a major hangover from last night, when he had found out that his brother, Lightning McQueen, had just broken all of the racing records. All of them. All of the records. This made Speedy depressed, and he tried to slit his tires using an alcoholic oil can at the bar he was drinking at, but it was no use, because they were Good Year tires which meant they were invincible, and we're sold at quality prices. He tried to hang himself using Tow Mater's towing cable, but that literally never got off the ground, as he was too busy performing failed standup at the open mic set. It was for the best, Speedy later thought, as it would be overkill to hear what Mater called "jokes" as the last thing before he died. So eventually he gave up on the whole suicide thing and decided to just drink his problems away, only to find himself parked on one of the train tracks near Radiator Springs, but remarkably, never got hit. He went back to his "Cozy Cone" apartment, number 68, and bitched about his miserable life to a picture of his hero: CAR-acter actress Flarno Martinmail.

Speedy "FuckFlute" McQueen was a Mini Cooper, who growing up, wanted to be a racecar like his older brother Lightning. However his parents saw him more as a bastardized son, and was never exactly intended to exist. But after the infamous crash of the Hudson Hornet, his parents got shitfaced because they were devoted fans of the then hotshot racer. Now incredibly drunk, and susceptible to the dumbest of decisions, the two drove over to the local car factory and ordered a Mini Cooper as what they thought at the time as a practical joke. But nobody was laughing nine months later when a fresh new Mini was parked in their garage. It was a mutual agreement between the two that it was clearly an accident out of either's control, and decided that they were justified in the oncoming years of neglect that would follow.

Speedy's mom was a Prius named Parisa, and his dad was a Jeep named Stalin, who worked at a gas station in Glendale, California, while Parisa worked at the diner right next to it. The two never intended to become a couple, but seeing as how neither of them could get into a college, or a job, and had just happened to meet each other when collecting their unemployment checks one day, it seemed like a good idea, survival in numbers and all. They did however, plan on having a kid, one they could raise into a successful racecar and make a fortune off it's brand. The key detail being one. Lighting was well on his way to being at the top of the charts at his school, so they saw no need to have a second son in case the first one either ran away or became an exact carbon copy of his parents. So when the small, yet wide eyed Mini Cooper entered the picture, both Parisa and Stalin made it a priority to keep the little accident away from Lightning as much as possible. As it could potentially become a distraction for Lightning and interrupt his progress of becoming his parent's cash cow.

Speedy was thrown into the basement without a second thought, next to the christmas decorations and unsold copies of Planes: Fire Rescue. (which is what he was forced to watch when punished) He was then dubbed what was the result of a late night, drunken game of stripper Scrabble: Speedy FuckFlute. He was fed very little, parts of him we're removed should Lightning have an accident, and he was listed as collateral for Parisa and Stalin's second mortgage.

The garage door of Speedy's Cozy Cone squeaked open, the early morning sunlight poured into the room, kicking his eyes in the eyeballs. He squinted as he trudged out of the cone, his eyes eventually adjusting to the sudden change in light. Looking around, he observed that the town was incredibly busy. Much to his dismay, Radiator Springs was preparing to hold a celebration commemorating Lightning McQueen, for his recent record breaking record. This was evidence by the banners and decorations being dispersed throughout the town. Knowing his brother, he'd love nothing more than to bring a bunch of his hot shot racing friends and boast about his winnings, under the guise of being humble, whilst simultaneously kissing Radiator Springs' rustic country ass. This was especially ironic, as despite how much Lightning took great pleasure in yapping on and on about that "classic countryside community", he was barely ever there. The only times McQueen had ever "come to visit" was to hide from paparazzi, hide a dead hooker, or bring both paparazzi and hookers to self-indulgent events like the one about to take place.

Not that the town's residents minded, however, as with those events came tourists, and with those tourists, came money. Sure Radiator Springs had gotten it's steady flow of travelers and racing fans, both of McQueen and the Hudson Hornet, thanks to McQueen's efforts to put the once forgotten town back on the map. But those weren't the kind of patrons the town counted on to keep them a float, as the most one would purchase would be a snowglobe and a license plate. As previously mentioned, whenever Lightning felt it was time to have another extravaganza at his "humble abode" (although his actual place of residence was in a penthouse suite at Dinoco HQ, as well as an executive office at the Rusteze Training Center) he'd invite a bunch of California bigwigs, most of them he didn't even know, and on occasion, vice-versa. As such, the shopkeepers of Radiator Springs would jack up their prices immensely by an increasingly increasing amount of increasinging. And although the wealthy customers would immediately see through the scam (as 500 dollars per gallon of gas was even too much for Los Angeles standards,which for the inquisitive, is usually 400) they'd purchase the tacky bumper stickers, bobbleheads and anal beads, seeing as how a rich car purchasing "plebeian goods" was considered "charming".

As these parties would approach, the citizens of Radiator Springs would make extensive efforts to legalize gambling and open up a casino, hoping to follow the success of the popular casino oasis: Richmond, Virginia. However when such proposals were ever brought up during meetings at town hall, Sally Carrera, the former district attorney and now mayor of the town, would always shut down said requests. The main reason she'd give was that such an addition would "stand out" and "not keep in theme with the town's rustic, country aesthetic". This, as you can imagine, made Sally very unpopular with the rest of the town, but Speedy loved her. She was probably the only decent car in the entire town, although Kevin was kind of cool too.

Speedy had met Sally at a place called "Wheel Well", a restaurant/gas station hybrid that was near Radiator Springs. He had been wandering Route 66 for a couple months, just before that, Stalin and Parisa had gotten in trouble with the Russian mob, and were forced to relocate. It was mainly Parisa they were after, obviously, but Stalin was considered an accomplice by the mob. However, thanks to Stalin's strong ties to the Italian Mafia, the two were on the first jet to Istanbul (the mafia's HQ) leaving Speedy to fend for himself. It took a little while to get used to moving in any direction that was longer than 10 feet, as that was the most he ever got to move around in the basement, and the plethora of car parts he had "graciously donated" didn't help either. Regardless, he made his way across California, with no particular destination in mind, although he decided to stick to Route 66, considering he remembered hearing a song about it playing on the kitchen radio directly above him, from what he could remember, it was called: "Life Is A Highway". He eventually found himself at the aforementioned Wheel Well, discovering a light blue Porsche looking down at the empty desert road adjacent to it. Sally took Speedy back to town, had him fixed up, and gave him his own "Cozy Cone" free of charge. Whether it was out of kindness or pity, he appreciated Sally and what he had done for him. She also had exquisite breasts.

Now fully awake, Speedy drove up to the busy Miss Carrera, who was currently in a heated debate with Fillmore, the local hippie.

"For the last time, Fillmore" Sally groaned, clearly annoyed. "You can't put LSD in the refreshments! Granted the pot air fresheners we're a good idea, but I'm drawing the line at this!"

"Okay fine, fuck you, world peace and shit. I'm going to do other hippie things now" Fillmore replied, and drove off. Sally then saw that Speedy was approaching and smiled.

"Oh, hey Speedy! Did you hear the news?" She asked. Speedy chuckled bitterly.

"Even if I didn't, the decorations would surely give it away" He said as he motioned to the giant red banner hung above the town hall, congratulating Lightning on his recent accomplishment. Sally looked sympathetic.

"I'm sorry Speedy, Flo told me you got "bitchy drunk" last night when you heard the news. I guess that dream of wanting to be the greatest racer in the world is kind of hard to maintain when your brother Lightning McQueen broke all of the racing records. Happy National Exposition Day by the way" Sally replied.

"All of them. All of the records" Speedy whispered sadly.

"But hey, at least you'll get to see your brother again!" Sally said in an attempt to cheer him up. Speedy frowned, Sally sighed realizing her mistake. "Okay, so he's probably the last car you'd want to see right now, but, I'm sure he'd be thrilled to see his brother celebrating this big moment with him!"

"But he doesn't even care about the records!" Speedy objected. "He just has these stupid parties so he can surround himself with other LA-holes and punch that piece of shit Chick Hicks in the Chick Hick shit dick, he doesn't even spend any time with you, and you're his girlfriend! And that makes me sick!"

Sally smiled. "Well, I'm glad you're so concerned about me, that means a lot. But if you don't think Lightning is good enough for me, then who is?" She asked suggestively.

Speedy smiled, he'd been waiting for this moment, and thought of how shitty it'd be if some ironic presence had stopped it from happening.

"I mean, me I suppose" He answered.

"I'd like that!" She replied enthusiastically.

"Really?!" Speedy asked in shock.

"Yeah!" Sally said. "Want to go as my date to the party tonight?"

"Absolutely!" Speedy said excitedly. "See you then!" The two drove their separate ways to plan for the night ahead of them. And then later Lightning came.