The restlessness

Hello again; it's three in the morning, once more. How many hours have passed by? I've lost count. I've lost count just thinking of you, once again, and if I don't close my eyes I'll lose my mind. You tend to do that to me.

Who's keeping time anyways? It's always been that way. Since I've met you it's been about the restlessness that comes with. You're just always on my mind and I cannot get you out. There's really no one to blame but me because the truth is I don't want to stop. I don't want to stop thinking about you. About how I can help you, fix you, protect you… love you.

I've always worried about you and no one can make me stop; but you don't have to know that. The restlessness is just a minor detail, really. It's a habit that is hard to get rid of, mostly because I don't want to. Is this healthy? To think about someone so much cannot be normal. Love is overwhelming, someone told me. It's mostly hard work, I find. But really I don't mind; after all I love working.

The thing is I love thinking about you every day and every night but, today, not so much. Today it hurts. I'm sure you have no idea. I've dreamed of this day happening differently. Truth to be told, the reality is more of a nightmare. That's only because one detail isn't the same as in my dream.

You're getting married in a couple of hours. I should be happy for you but, the thing is, I'm not you're bride. My eyes sting and my throat hurts just thinking about it. My heart is pounding painfully on my chest. I've always been here for you, not expecting anything in return. But today I feel like an employee who doesn't get a promotion for all the hard work he has done, but worst.

Still thinking about you at three in the morning isn't something new, but it's never been so painful. When you're in danger I stay up all night until I can find a solution. When you're in pain I also stay awake and feel the pain with you, but I always find a way to fix you. Today, at three in the morning, I know you're happy but there is no remedy for my broken heart. The restlessness is just too much this time.

It's my fault, really. It's my mistake for not acting upon my feelings. Some people would say that everything I do for you should be sign enough, but how can it be when being there for you has always been a regular occurrence. You don't need to notice that I've always been there because I'll always be there regardless. Ohh but how I wish you would.

Your bride is beautiful, passionate, and just so fun to be with. What is there not to love, really? Look my way though and I know you can see qualities that are just as great. I can make you happy. I know I could because I've done it countless of times; but I guess it's not enough.

I know that I should have told you how much more you mean to me. The problem is that I'm too afraid of rejection but mostly I'm afraid that you'll feel obliged to pretend to feel the same. That's just like you to sacrifice your happiness for others.

I hope she makes you happy and that she is everything you wanted; but I pray that you'll always keep that part of your heart that I know is reserved just for me. I need that to bear with the restlessness that I know will never leave.

I'm in love with you and the restlessness comes with it. I'll deal with it, just like I always have, but not today Harry.

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