The day Wile E Coyote finally won
Roadrunner was running in the desert one day when he noticed that something was missing.
"Where is that idiotic coyote?" he thought to himself. "He's never late."
Roadrunner looked around. There was no sign of Wile anywhere, nor any planes flying around carrying Acme products. There were no traps set up that had gone horribly wrong such as smashed vehicles or exploded rockets.
Roadrunner ran to Wile's cave, usually he was out in the yard building a gadget that would go wrong for the four billionth time but there was nothing. Roadrunner then noticed there was a note on the door to his cave.
"Dear friends and family."
"I have moved to the mansion the next town over"
Roadrunner stopped reading. "Mansion? Where did he get a mansion?" The rest of the letter said where to find him along with his address. So using this information, Roadrunner ran off to the find him.
Wile was swimming in his new swimming pool in the back of his mansion. When he noticed Roadrunner at the side of the pool.
"Ohhhh….great." he snarled. "Looks like my past has come back to bite me in the butt."
Roadrunner held up a sign saying "You can talk?"
"Of course I can talk, you idiotic birdbrain. I've mostly talked in the cartoons where I try to catch Bugs Bunny and you can talk too. Haven't you read the 1950's comics?"
Roadrunner held up a sign. "Huh…oh yeah." He then chucked the sign away and spoke "Well….c'mon let's go. Try and catch me."
"No way." Wile replied.
"What, but recently you've got a new flavour of birdseed! It's wonderful!"
"I'm sick of failing all the time! It's time to admit I'm a failure as a hunter!"
"Wile, this isn't like you."
"Do you know what it's like being electrocuted, crushed, lit on fire, mauled, frozen?"
"I…."
Wile then climbed out of the pool and dried himself with some towels sitting on a chair nearby.
"No of course you don't. You always escape scot-free with no harm. Let me tell you…bird. I may never die but IT HURTS! IT REALLY, REALLY HURTS!"
"But Wile…"
"I'm also sick of people seeing me as a bad guy! I'm just following nature. Can I help it if it's in my nature to kill birds? Everybody says you suck Wile…..you're horrible Wile trying to kill that innocent bird! So not only do I constantly get hurt, I'm taunted by everybody! I'm a failure as a hunter and I'm a failure as a villain!"
Roadrunner was at a loss for words.
And even if I did agree to chase you. I can't I no longer have access to Acme products.
"W…W…Why?"
"Seems you haven't read the paper lately, bird. Read." Wile then tossed a newspaper to Roadrunner.
The newspaper had in big letters "COYOTE SUES ACME FOR $100 MILLION DOLLARS."
Roadrunner continued to read on how all of Acme's products had failed on Wile. That he had given photo evidence that all their products had seriously hurt him and that the company had no choice but to pay him. After paying up the money the company had filed for bankruptcy.
Roadrunner had his mouth open in shock. "I don't believe it."
"How do you think I got this mansion?" Wile grinned.
"I did wonder." Roadrunner replied.
"You're free from me now, bird. You're now out of danger, this coyote's now getting a life, I'm becoming more domesticated, I mean if Bugs Bunny can move out of his rabbit hole and get a house, I can do the same. Besides I'm getting more joy out of humiliating people who deserve it."
"What do you do?"
"Every month I get Daffy Duck to come to my house, force him to drop his pants and sing for money. I pay him $1000 every month."
"Daffy Duck doesn't wear any pants."
"I make him wear pants, then make him drop the pants. Still succeeds in making him look pathetic."
Roadrunner was nearly in tears. "But Wile…I…..need you."
Wile raised an eyebrow "What do you have no life, and just get some cruel joy out of seeing me suffer?"
Roadrunner didn't reply. Wile just facepalmed.
"God…..you're worse than Porky Pig. Oh all right, if I get you an alternative will you leave me alone?"
Roadrunner thought it over. "I suppose so."
"Stay here, I have some phone calls to make."
15 minutes later Wile reappeared with Bugs Bunny.
"What's Bugs doing with him?" Roadrunner thought "Hasn't Wile tried to eat him too?"
"Good news." Wile smiled. "I just paid Bugs Bunny $10,000 to hunt you down!"
"What's up, doc?" Bugs said to Roadrunner
"Why Bugs Bunny?" Roadrunner asked.
"Because he almost always wins. There's only ever been a few cases where he loses. And I figured what better way than to get a winner to hunt you?"
Roadrunner gulped.
Wile handed Bugs a rifle. "Remember what I said on the phone, bring me back his corpse."
Roadrunner ran for his life. But of course knowing Bugs' good luck. It wasn't long till Roadrunner was lying in a pool of his own blood….
THE END.