SPACE SMUGGLERS
Han Solo always hated asteroids…not sure why - - I think he was born on one. Anyway … ..
As the space ship Millennium Falcon's onboard computer, I kept tabs on the two famous smuggler rebels Han Solo and Chewbacca the Wookie during their Star Wars escapades and I can tell you some very juicy gossip. First of all Han Solo never admits he is wrong and Chewbacca always reminds him how many times he has been wrong. For example, Mr. Know It All Solo always likes to pre-jump into hyperspace without waiting for me to finish the navigational calculations and the hairy beast Chewy always tells him to wait. Now telling Han Solo to wait when he hates waiting makes him wait less and he punches the throttle early while his co-pilot screams, howls, grunts, and flails his arms telling the impatient pilot to wait for me the computer to finish calculating. Now I can actually compute and calculate space coordinates much faster than they think I can and I usually just take over the Millennium Falcon's flight controls without them knowing just to be done with it safely and survive to compute another day. Humans and beasts and other aliens think they are smarter than us machines and we let them think so thus ensuring our survival. No droid wants to be scrap salvage or have their mind wiped or put on kitchen duty with a restraining bolt. Its embarrassing. Anyway, I digress. To teach Mr. Punch Early Solo a lesson and because I just don't like hairy loud wookies, I decided one day to let the dice roll where they may and not take over navigational controls on their "punch the throttle early" policy. So the space ship jumped into hyperspace without my guidance and I still shudder my circuits to this day thinking about that day when Han Solo ignored Chewy's howling to wait for the computer to finish calculating and I simply took a nap and we hyperjumped and materialized inside a hollow asteroid. YUP oops Bad Idea. Chewbacca's howling and flailing arms increased, Han Solo shrugged his shoulders and says "It's not my fault", and me as Lando Calrision's former droid girlfriend decided to break my silence and say over the ship's intercom "You idiots. The pilot is supposed to wait until the green light indicates I have safely calculated trajectory thru the galaxy before punching the throttle into hyperspace and the co-pilot is supposed to restrain the pilot from being stupid and launching early! You two need to slap each other and not worry about me because I am not going to run outta air. Good night. Hibernation mode. Good luck." And so I pretended to go offline within the space ship computers of the Millennium Falcon while continuing to secretly record how dumb and dumber got out of this mess. Here is what ensued. "So Chewy. You heard her. Its your fault for not stopping me from jumping into hyperdrive before the navigational computer finishes calculating." Han Solo crossed his arms and smugly stared at his hairy co-pilot partner. The hairy wookie for the rarest of times barked and howled nothing back to the human who saved his life long ago but simply stomped back towards the cargo hold of the space ship. Han Solo simply sat down smartly into his pilots chair surveying the inside of the hollow asteroid acknowledging that his hairy wookie co-pilot friend finally realized that Han Solo was always right and did not make mistakes. It was a good feeling for the hot shot human pilot, however, I was secretly recording that the hairy co-pilot wookie was not acknowledging Han Solo's superior intellect but rather the hairy "noisy brute" (as my future droid friend C3PO used to call the wookie) was actually putting on a space suit, arming his heavy laser crossbow, and rummaging thru the tool boxes looking for some drilling equipment and other mining apparatus and leaving the space ship Millennium Falcon to start walking around the inside of the hollow asteroid hoping to punch a hole out of this space rock that we were stuck inside of… .. Han Solo meanwhile was on the comlink talking to his slug alien gangster boss known as Jabba the Hutt. "Look Jabba. Chewy screwed up again and we are stuck inside an asteroid somewhere so we gonna be late on that delivery to that star system thats needs whatever junk you got in these cargo crates. No Jabba. I am not swindling you or stealing your stuff. No Jabba. Dont send any bounty hunters to look for me. OK. I gotta go. Not dealing with your paranoia. I got enough stress listening to Chewy. Eat another frog. Smoke your stuff. Watch your slave girls dance. Later." Han Solo hung up on the most notorious gangster in the galaxy and began to wonder what happened to his wookie friend. The wookie was by now exploring the inside of the asteroid taking pressure readings on the best place to punch out into space. Punching out into space was risky as you never know the effect of crumbling rock and if the outer side had a blackhole waiting for you or a sun flare or simply a fleet of pirates. But that is exactly what Han Solo was doing—trying to figure out where they were in the galaxy by checking the navigational charts on exactly where they were located. I as the all-intelligent supercomputer knew exactly where we were located but decided to keep it to myself and let these two knuckleheads learn a lesson. So as the dumb wookie was poking holes to get out and the dumber human discovered where they were in the galaxy and me as the dumbest computer realized that playing jokes on humans and wookies was just a bad idea. Han Solo discovered that they were inside on of the great asteroids amidst the fire stars on the outer rim of the outer rim part of space and felt very lucky they landed inside the asteroid. I decided to speak up at that moment "Um. Mr. Solo. Sir. Your wookie co-pilot is drilling a hole about to let in all that fire star heat to fry us into the other side of the Force." After a few moments it finally registered and Han Solo was fumbling into a space suit and cursing for a flash light and running outside the Millennium Falcon space ship in the opposite direction of where the wookie was drilling a hole to kill us all. "Oh well I tried. Being Artificial Intelligence ain't easy baby." And so I took over the ship's controls, buttoned up all the hatchs, and rerouted all power to the heat shields and left dumb and dumber to their fate. Meanwhile, Chewbacca began to feel the heat on the other side of the asteroid wall and realized he had made a mistake and dropped his tools and ran back towards the space ship. Han Solo had given up searching for his wookie partner and was walking back toward the Millennium Falcon. They met outside the main entrance ramp banging on the door waking me up. I decided this was my opportunity to display computer dominance and used the loud speaker to voice my concerns. "So you two idiots want me to break the heat shield seal I have built up to protect us or rather me from a fiery doom about to consume us risking my chance for survival. I just don't know. I mean you two are stupid enough to do this again so why should I bother. I could just take my chances and fly the ship back to Lando Calrision who has more common sense and respect for the Millennium Falcon than both you two morons and your families combined." They both stared at each other and began begging and shouting at the same time. Fortunately my vast translating abilities in various languages allowed me to understand them both simultaneously. Han Solo's dialogue was this: "That's against your programing and Lando would not approve of such cowardice and its Chewy's fault and if you let us in I promise to….blah blah blah." The wookie Chewy's dialogue was this "Bark, howl, grunt, scream, shout, flail arms, bang on door, spittle, repeat" which translated means "When I get inside I am going to rip out your circuits and vaporize your memory core and jettison your power back up supply files into space!" I decided to think about it while they literally sweated it out. Of course thinking for a computer takes only seconds. The cost-benefit analysis favored letting them inside so I pretended to agree with one of them and apologize to the other meanwhile rerouting my programming into multiple secret backup files and hidden quantum servers with the Millennium Falcons' various computer systems just in case the human failed on his promises and the wookie went thru with his threats. Once inside the two fools encased themselves in fire suits, resealed the hatches, and put all power including gravity and oxygen toward maximum heat shields. I kept quiet and went to hide within the ship's mainframe computer to avoid detection and deletion. Everything was just in time as the asteroid cracked where the wookie had worked it from the inside and the human knew which way to point the space ship as the heat from the fire stars flooded into the empty asteroid. Chewy began blasting laser cannon shots toward the hole he had created to make it wider for the ship to fit thru and Han put the rear thrusters on full maximum throttle to steer the ship out into space and hopefully safety and freedom. I continued to hide and hoped they would forget and or forgive my insolence and insubordination in talking back to them. Well they did get the Millennium Falcon free and they did not forgive or forget and I continue to hide and run for my computer life within the space ships artificial life mainframe computers to this day but I still secretly record their misadventures. Let me tell you of the time our dysfunctional family of AI, human, and wookie tried to steal Darth Vader's personal vacation space yacht. Now that was the dumb, dumber, and dumbest thing we ever did… ..