Chapter 1
Many people are blissfully unaware that there is a science behind are three phases to falling in love and different hormones are involved at each stage. Love starts with chemical reactions in the brain:these chemical reactions are very similar to ones people have when they suffer from mental we are attracted to somebody, it could be because subconsciously we like their could be as important as looks when it comes to the fanciability factor. We like the look and smell of people who are most like our can also,help determine whether a relationship will three stages of love are lust,attraction,and is driven by the sex hormones testosterone and estrogen. Testosterone is not confined only to men. It has also been shown to play a major role in the sex drive of women. Attraction is the truly love-struck phase. When people fall in love they can think of nothing else. They might even lose their appetite and need less sleep, preferring to spend hours at a time daydreaming about their new the attraction stage, a group of neuro-transmitters called 'monoamines' play an important role:dopamine - also activated by cocaine and - otherwise known as adrenalin this makes us sweat and it gets the heart ,Serotonin - one of love's most important chemicals and one that may actually send us temporarily final stage is attachment:this is what takes over after the attraction stage, if a relationship is going to last. That is why people say love is a drug its so easy to get hooked and so hard to let is a longer lasting commitment and is the bond that keeps couples together when they go on to have children.
Love has many meanings: when you look the word up in the dictionary it might say "a profound tender,passionate,affection for another person" or a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection." Love is supposed to last forever. With traditional wedding vows couples pledge their lives to one another by saying "for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish 'till death do us part. And hereto I pledge you my faithfulness." Love is meant to be a ones oasis. Derek andI, our vows were unique they were special to us but still held the same meaning:"that you'll love me even when you hate me, to love each other even when we hate each other…No running. Ever. Nobody walks out, no matter what happens. That we'll take care of each other, even when we're old and smelly and senial and if i get alzheimers and forget you…I will remind you who i am every day…To take care when old, senile, smelly." Our vows crumbled like buildings during an earthquake: maybe we wouldn't grow old and smellytogether. I couldn't see a future for us in two days let alone two years. We are on the rocks.
Your hair your lips the things I'm gonna miss
Dear God I hope you find someone else to love
There were good times but mostly bad times
I held you through the nights and the days and the days and the days and the days
He cheated I know he did. Why else would that woman answer his phone? Why hasn't he answered my calls? He's probably with her, sleeping next to her, it's 5:49 a.m. in DC. He probably has his arm wrapped around her torso and one of his legs entangled with hers. It's 2:49 here in Seattle, I'm sleepless in Seattle. I roll over to check my phone for the millionth time: Derek and the kids bright smiles illuminate the screen. I yearn to return to those times, those golden ages, when love came so easily and smiles so smoothly. We've fallen on harder times. My feet are cold against the hard wood floors as I shuffle towards Baileys bedroom door. He's just like Derek even the way he sleeps: so lovely. Back when my baby was a baby our relationship, Derek and I, we were so happy. Our bubble could not be popped. If only we knew that two years down the road we would have come to a dead end. No story book ending. No coming up for fresh air. Before I know it I'm opening up a bottle of tequila and taking a shot. The alcohol burns my throat but it soothes my soul. "Meredith." I quickly look down at the bottle, I've only had one shot, there is no way I'm hallucinating. It's not like I've gone that long without sleep. Then came a loud knock on the door. There was the hair. Derek. Here in the flesh, he couldn't answer myphone calls because he was on a plane flying here. "You called and a woman answered my phone."
But I,I never meant to meant to make you cry
And I tried to give you every bit of my heart
But we tore each other apart
You wanted time, its better now we say goodbye
"I called and a woman answered your phone." It's 2:54 in Seattle. Four hours till I'm supposed to leave for work: four hours in which I will receive answers. "Did you sleep with her?" My body aches as if the words were bullets along my tongue. He waltzed over toward the couch: he was getting ready for a story. A hand quickly swept through his hair and his eyes turned grey. "Mer." He didn't have to continue. I knew the answer. I wanted to know every nuance: everything that happened. Did he like it? How many times did it happen? Did he tell her that he loved her? Did he promise her that he would return that he had to return to Seattle to "take care of the breakup?" Even if it makes me sick I need to know how he let it happen. How he let us shatter. The truth hurt more than the not knowing. It all hurt but knowing it actually happened- the pain is indescribable. Cristina went through this with Owen right about she aborted their baby. It nearly killed her: she missed work for days. Owen though, he really had something to be upset about, what he did wasn't right but it was predictable. Derek, he was needy. "So you do this to all your wives. Just cheat because it's easy: because you're missing love. Is that all I was to you just a way to get over Addison by getting over me." I knew it wasn't true. I knew what we have-had was love but if it was true how could he just through it away like a broken toy? Derek was filled with rage he flew off the couch and was standing in front of me: " Don't you dare question our life together. Why would I be here if I didn't love you! Just because I made a mistake doesn't mean I don't love you!" My knees buckled as I slid down the column. Tears were welling in my eyes but I couldn't let them go: I need to be strong. "How could you love me and have sex with her?" He took a step toward me but I scooted away. I couldn't be near him without feeling like I was about to break. " I'm sorry." The ducts were open tears began to stain my cheeks. He could say he was sorry but I could never get over it. Derek crouched down next to me and attempted to put an arm around me:"Stop!" My word echoed throughout the house in that instant I knew that it woke the kids. I could hear Bailey crying by the time my foot reached the third step with Derek on my heels. I whipped my head around, " And you, you can stay here." Zola was standing in her door frame her big puppy dog eyes meeting mine. " Hi baby, come here I have a surprise, first we have to get your brother." Zola ran over and grabbed my hand as we entered Baileys room. His eyes as bright as Derek's and in this very moment it hurt to see them. Yet there he was on my hip as I descended the stairs: Zola saw him instantly and quickly let go of my hand to meet him. "Daddy," Baileys head which was originally on my shoulder shot up once he heard the word "Daddy". "Dada," I put Bailey on the floor and let him walk over to Derek. I quickly made my way over to the counter and threw the bottle of tequila in a cabinet: I yearned for this moment for months. I wanted my family back together but not like this. Of course the kids were elated to see their father but as quickly as they saw him he was taking them back to bed. I didn't want him to come back down: I didn't want to face our unhappiness. The truth always hurts.
I know your telephone calls, they always felt so long
I tried to pick you up,but baby, you brought me do
And I can't be your crutch, gave you way to much
I held you through the nights, and the days and the days and the days
Derek was back way to soon and he stood there with the same eyes Zola had given me only minutes earlier. "These last few months have taught me so much. All I wanted when we first came here was to know that we would leave together. That our life together was life till death. Not at first, after that night in the bar but later maybe once Addison came around. That's when I realized I loved you. That I wanted to fight for you. But from the minute I sat down that night and was what a struggle it was I could feel it, I felt like I was going to be suffocated. Yet here we are. The last several months I have laughed more, I have done more, enjoyed myself more. Hell, I became a better surgeon because of it. I have- had a streak. But I've also cried a lot. The kids cried so much and I can't give them answers. You will never know how my heart broke when I had to look in our sons eyes and tell him that I didn't know when daddy would be back. And I finally feel free. I learned how to live without you. I learned how to make myself happy. And by being free, I can see now that constantly trying to fix us is the thing that's been killing me slowly. And I don't want to do it anymore, I don't want to fix it or fix us anymore. I just want it to be natural but it isn't like that anymore. These pieces don't fit together anymore. We don't lean on each other anymore. We've fallen apart one to many times. Maybe instead of loving you so hard, I should just be myself for a while. I should be the sun. I deserve to be the sun. I should love me. And you should love you, and together we love Zola and Bailey, rather than… I want so much for you Derek. For both of us. So much more than this. More than being stuck with someone who feels stuck. I want you to feel free too. I'm not saying that we are completely done but for right now we are because I can't get past this with you constantly being around. You can't stay here I don't care where you go but it won't be here. It can't be here. I still love you but I can't show it now. We can't be us. So you need to go. You be me and I will be me but we will not be us. "
AN: Hi everyone I hope you enjoy this story. This is my take on when Derek cheated on Meredith but it is obviously more than just a kiss. The italicized text is from a song,Goodbye, by Paul McDonald and Nikki Reed. The final paragraph, Meredith's rant, is from Greys Anatomy originally Callie said it to Arizona but I adapted it for this story because I felt that it fits with where I want this story to go. I hope you enjoy this story so far.