Disclaimer: I do not own trademark to Harry Potter. Many thanks to J.K. Rowling *disapproving rumble* I mean, erm, godess Rowling for letting us fanfic writers (of varying degrees of inferiority) borrow your characters.
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The Legacy of Harry Potter
The Day Harry Almost Died
"And now, I conquer you!", cried Moody (who was really Barty Crouch but how would Harry know that to start with?) insanely.
"Expelliarmus!"
"Avada Ke-" BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
Moody/Crouch was taken aback. He opened his mouth to repeat the curse, but Harry, realizing it was morning, promptly slammed the alarm clock, terminated the dream, and woke with a start. His scar had become freezing cold all of a sudden. (Now how did that happen?)*
"That subtitle is irrelevant.", panted Harry as he stared at this page, "I've had too many near-death encounters for you to name a specific time."
"Sorry", I said, "I had to put something for the title; and anyway, HOW DID YOU SEE THE TITLE WITHOUT YOUR GLASSES?"
"What? I did? Wait-I can't see!", remarked Harry.
Then, having consumed too much caffeine the previous night, Harry fell asleep again.
"THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!", roared Harry.
*Just in case you're curious, this story is set in Harry's fifth year at Hogwarts. The events in the dream occurred during his fourth year. Because Harry's scar burns when he Sees the present, the opposite must happen when he has a flashback.
* * *
A Day at the Dursleys
On his way to breakfast, Harry encountered Dudley in the hallway.
"Ah, here comes the bowling ball", smirked Dudley. "I'm afraid I'll have to kick you now."
"Okay.", shrugged Harry nonchalantly. He quickly put an unkickable charm on his leg.
"Harry", said Hermione, "you just performed magic without a wand. That's very advanced technique!"
"How did I do that?", Harry wondered. "HERMIONE, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!"
"Oh, right." Hermione blushed, then disappeared.
Dudley swung his foot at Harry and missed. Nonetheless, he howled in pain, as he really believed he had kicked a bowling ball.
Just then, a Ministry official appeared and froze time so that he and Harry could have a conversation in private.
"Frupus Wi-oh I forgot the spell", incantated the wizard lamely.
"Is it 'Finite Impitempia'?", suggested Dudley.
"How did you know?", wondered the official. "AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE FROZEN IN TIME?!"
So time froze.
"Anyway", he continued, "We detected a magic signature and I was wondering-"
"House-elf", interjected Harry flatly.
"Ahh, I see." The bumbling Ministry official person Disapparated.
Then Harry had breakfast, fed Hedwig, did his homework, yelled at Aunt Petunia, flopped down on his bed, and nearly died of boredom.
* * *
Chapter 4
Harry was so bored, in fact, that he slept until September 1st, waking only to eat, sleep, and check his toenails. (Everyone knows that shiny hair is a sign of good health) When he finally really awoke (insisting that it should be Chapter 3, not Chapter 4)- OH FINE, HARRY, I WON'T HAVE ANY MORE CHAPTER NUMBERS OR SUBTITLES TO AVOID CONFUSING PEOPLE- , the Hogwarts Express was about to leave.
"Oh no, I'm late!", exclaimed Harry. "I'll have to Apparate there immediately!"
So he did.
"Where were you?!", inquired Ron and Hermione. Harry explained.
"But Harry", said Ron, "You're too young to Apparate."
"Well, it's a good thing that Harry was too stupid to realize that, isn't it?", teased Hermione.
"Hey!"
They boarded the train and during the journey ate some Chocolate frogs, which gave them frog horts. ("What are frog horts anyway?" "I dunno.") Draco Malfoy laughed at them, but Ron used the shut up curse ("pu tuhs insonorous") on him, and Malfoy hopped away furiously, lips sealed together.
Then they arrived at Hogwarts and had a feast and had the horts removed. It was, as Dumbledore noted during the feast, an interesting start to an interesting year.
* * *
The first day of term went quite as expected; Hermione was made a prefect (hardly surprising), and the classes ran "normally", if anything in the wizarding world was normal...
"CONSTANT VIGILANCE!", barked Alastor Moody, and everyone laughed but Dean, who noted,
"Professor, didn't you just say that vigilance is useless?"
"Yes, I know", growled Moody. "I was merely mocking your previous, erm, teacher, and besides, it's difficult to remain vigilant when I use that tone of voice."
They spent the rest of the class studying the Antimuotron charm, which was useful for catching the enemy off their guard by reversing ground and sky. Hermione had to use it on Ron, who went flying towards the ceiling, only to be saved by Dobby.
"Miss shall not hurt Rom Wheezy, who is bought Dobby socks!", the elf squeaked indignantly. Then Dobby disappeared with a loud Pop! and Ron fell and broke his leg and went to the hospital wing and everyone started talking and didn't pay attention in Transfiguration.
Later, Harry, Ron, and Hermione went down to Hagrid's hut to have tea and discuss the day's events.
* * *
Before the day was over, Ron decided to take a shower, leaving Harry and Hermione in the Gryffindor common room. Then suddenly, they, and before anyone realized what was happening, they, um, I mean erm, I mean- (Oh frap, I'll just get to the point) snogged (I'm not British, so this sounds awkward, but I have to follow with the setting of the story). Hermione stood frozen with shock, then backed away, looking horrified.
"Sorry, Harry. Neither of us is ready for a, well, relationship. It's just-"
"STUPID HORMONES!", shouted Harry. "Yeah, let's wait until seventh year."
They marched up to their dorms without saying another word.
* * *
One cold morning in November, Harry, Ron, and Hermione stood around the Quidditch pitch, watching Hagrid fly around the field (he was riding a pink umbrella). They attempted to politely listen as Hagrid reminisced his school day memories.
"Yeh know, I used ter play for Huffolpuff house."
"Uh, Hagrid, you spelled Hufflepuff wrong", noted Hermione. Ron, however, had to admit that Hagrid was a pretty good flier.
"Ah, well, that can happen sometimes. I was never great shakes at spelling. Anyway, I forgot ter tell yeh that I was the best Keeper in a century", he added, beaming.
"With all that blubbering mass, I'm not surprised", smirked Malfoy, complete with green Slytherin robes and a rather nasty combination of warts and acne (He had dueled with Seamus Finnigan and lost quite badly).
"WE'VE HAD IT WITH YOU MALFOY!!!", roared the four menacingly. (They had been teased for being the subject of a stupid fanfic) They pointed their wands and umbrella. There was a flash of brown light, and Malfoy struggled to hop back to the castle, having been transformed into a large yellow toad.
"That was a little extreme. Snape's gonna have our heads", mumbled Ron.
"We really should be heading back up to Hogwarts now", said Harry, checking his watch. "Breakfast is about to start."
"Uh, Harry, Muggle watches don't work at Hogwarts. There's too much magic interference in the air."
They ducked as Harry's watch exploded.
Then Hagrid flew to the staff tables in the Great Hall.
"How did he do that?", inquired Hermione.
"He can because he believes he can", shrugged Ron. "Remember about that hypnosis charm that went awry?"
"Bloody h---", remarked Harry, but all that came out of his mouth was a loud beep.
"This fanfic is rated G, Harry", I reminded him.
"Whatever. Now why don't we go get some breakfast?", suggested Sirius, who had appeared out of nowhere.
"How? - why? - what?", gasped Neville. By now, they had already walked to the Gryffyndor table.
"Oh, uh, my name's been cleared." Sirius smiled. "They know I'm innocent."
"But how?"
"I believe they do", winked Dumbledore mysteriously.
"Oh really...", noted the staff. Together everyone channeled their hate of Voldemort and believed he was dead and soon he was.
~ ~ ~
"Is class going to start anytime soon?", pondered Lavender. Snape and Sirius were dueling in the hall.
"Aha!" A large cauliflower grew out of Snape's head. Then everyone got impaled by toothpicks.
"TWO THOUSAND POINTS OFF FOR EVERY PERSON IN THIS SCHOOL!!!", fumed/roared/shouted Snape, whose head had burst off.
"April fools!", said the Marauders' Map, appearing where Snape's body was.
"I never knew maps could transform."
"Well, they can now."
The map burst into flame.
"You didn't really BELIEVE they could", Hermione reminded WhoeverSaidThat.
Sirius quickly produced another version of the map.
* * *
Harry was bored, so he decided to read Order of the Phoenix. It was a good book, but significantly darker and more psychological than the first four. He was so absorbed in reading it that he failed to notice the appearance of Dolores Umbridge.
"Oh Harryyyy, you will not tell lies", chanted Umbridge in that ludicrously annoying high-pitched voice.
"Have a fly", mumbled Harry absentmindedly and of course since this is fanfiction Umbridge turned into a large frog hort. Harry moved his hand to turn the page and noticed it had "seil llet ton lliw I" written on it. He shook his head in exasperation, mainly because it was annoying to listen to a semi-transparent character complaining to Umbridge about the pointlessness of their DADA course. After a few hours of this, Harry gave up and closed the book before the chattering fictional characters filled his room completely.
Meanwhile, Ron and Hermione were reading The Legacy of Harry Potter to some first years because, after all, they were prefects and had some responsibility. (Oh no, the plotlines are getting confused already! Where's that eraser?)
"@#)%@)(*%@$", commented Ron upon realizing his prefect badge was gone.
"A string of colorful swear words makes an excellent visual effect", noted a first year, and everyone in the common room enjoyed the show until Ron stopped swearing.
"Calm down, Ron", said Hermione. "Wait a minute - this fanfic is published on the internet! We need a computer, but but but how were we reading it all this time? I suppose you could print it out, (computer and printer explode) - WHAT?! There were never electronic appliances here to start with . . . this story is a paradox! How can we be READING something about OURSELVES . . . @@@"
Hermione ranted and went insane since she couldn't make sense of anything, and had to get a mental integrity restoration drought from Madam Pomfrey.
"What's the internet?", asked Tonks curiosly.
"GO AWAY!", said an irritated Harry and all the fictional characters from OOTP disappeared.
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The Legacy of Harry Potter
The Day Harry Almost Died
"And now, I conquer you!", cried Moody (who was really Barty Crouch but how would Harry know that to start with?) insanely.
"Expelliarmus!"
"Avada Ke-" BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
Moody/Crouch was taken aback. He opened his mouth to repeat the curse, but Harry, realizing it was morning, promptly slammed the alarm clock, terminated the dream, and woke with a start. His scar had become freezing cold all of a sudden. (Now how did that happen?)*
"That subtitle is irrelevant.", panted Harry as he stared at this page, "I've had too many near-death encounters for you to name a specific time."
"Sorry", I said, "I had to put something for the title; and anyway, HOW DID YOU SEE THE TITLE WITHOUT YOUR GLASSES?"
"What? I did? Wait-I can't see!", remarked Harry.
Then, having consumed too much caffeine the previous night, Harry fell asleep again.
"THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!", roared Harry.
*Just in case you're curious, this story is set in Harry's fifth year at Hogwarts. The events in the dream occurred during his fourth year. Because Harry's scar burns when he Sees the present, the opposite must happen when he has a flashback.
* * *
A Day at the Dursleys
On his way to breakfast, Harry encountered Dudley in the hallway.
"Ah, here comes the bowling ball", smirked Dudley. "I'm afraid I'll have to kick you now."
"Okay.", shrugged Harry nonchalantly. He quickly put an unkickable charm on his leg.
"Harry", said Hermione, "you just performed magic without a wand. That's very advanced technique!"
"How did I do that?", Harry wondered. "HERMIONE, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!"
"Oh, right." Hermione blushed, then disappeared.
Dudley swung his foot at Harry and missed. Nonetheless, he howled in pain, as he really believed he had kicked a bowling ball.
Just then, a Ministry official appeared and froze time so that he and Harry could have a conversation in private.
"Frupus Wi-oh I forgot the spell", incantated the wizard lamely.
"Is it 'Finite Impitempia'?", suggested Dudley.
"How did you know?", wondered the official. "AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE FROZEN IN TIME?!"
So time froze.
"Anyway", he continued, "We detected a magic signature and I was wondering-"
"House-elf", interjected Harry flatly.
"Ahh, I see." The bumbling Ministry official person Disapparated.
Then Harry had breakfast, fed Hedwig, did his homework, yelled at Aunt Petunia, flopped down on his bed, and nearly died of boredom.
* * *
Chapter 4
Harry was so bored, in fact, that he slept until September 1st, waking only to eat, sleep, and check his toenails. (Everyone knows that shiny hair is a sign of good health) When he finally really awoke (insisting that it should be Chapter 3, not Chapter 4)- OH FINE, HARRY, I WON'T HAVE ANY MORE CHAPTER NUMBERS OR SUBTITLES TO AVOID CONFUSING PEOPLE- , the Hogwarts Express was about to leave.
"Oh no, I'm late!", exclaimed Harry. "I'll have to Apparate there immediately!"
So he did.
"Where were you?!", inquired Ron and Hermione. Harry explained.
"But Harry", said Ron, "You're too young to Apparate."
"Well, it's a good thing that Harry was too stupid to realize that, isn't it?", teased Hermione.
"Hey!"
They boarded the train and during the journey ate some Chocolate frogs, which gave them frog horts. ("What are frog horts anyway?" "I dunno.") Draco Malfoy laughed at them, but Ron used the shut up curse ("pu tuhs insonorous") on him, and Malfoy hopped away furiously, lips sealed together.
Then they arrived at Hogwarts and had a feast and had the horts removed. It was, as Dumbledore noted during the feast, an interesting start to an interesting year.
* * *
The first day of term went quite as expected; Hermione was made a prefect (hardly surprising), and the classes ran "normally", if anything in the wizarding world was normal...
"CONSTANT VIGILANCE!", barked Alastor Moody, and everyone laughed but Dean, who noted,
"Professor, didn't you just say that vigilance is useless?"
"Yes, I know", growled Moody. "I was merely mocking your previous, erm, teacher, and besides, it's difficult to remain vigilant when I use that tone of voice."
They spent the rest of the class studying the Antimuotron charm, which was useful for catching the enemy off their guard by reversing ground and sky. Hermione had to use it on Ron, who went flying towards the ceiling, only to be saved by Dobby.
"Miss shall not hurt Rom Wheezy, who is bought Dobby socks!", the elf squeaked indignantly. Then Dobby disappeared with a loud Pop! and Ron fell and broke his leg and went to the hospital wing and everyone started talking and didn't pay attention in Transfiguration.
Later, Harry, Ron, and Hermione went down to Hagrid's hut to have tea and discuss the day's events.
* * *
Before the day was over, Ron decided to take a shower, leaving Harry and Hermione in the Gryffindor common room. Then suddenly, they, and before anyone realized what was happening, they, um, I mean erm, I mean- (Oh frap, I'll just get to the point) snogged (I'm not British, so this sounds awkward, but I have to follow with the setting of the story). Hermione stood frozen with shock, then backed away, looking horrified.
"Sorry, Harry. Neither of us is ready for a, well, relationship. It's just-"
"STUPID HORMONES!", shouted Harry. "Yeah, let's wait until seventh year."
They marched up to their dorms without saying another word.
* * *
One cold morning in November, Harry, Ron, and Hermione stood around the Quidditch pitch, watching Hagrid fly around the field (he was riding a pink umbrella). They attempted to politely listen as Hagrid reminisced his school day memories.
"Yeh know, I used ter play for Huffolpuff house."
"Uh, Hagrid, you spelled Hufflepuff wrong", noted Hermione. Ron, however, had to admit that Hagrid was a pretty good flier.
"Ah, well, that can happen sometimes. I was never great shakes at spelling. Anyway, I forgot ter tell yeh that I was the best Keeper in a century", he added, beaming.
"With all that blubbering mass, I'm not surprised", smirked Malfoy, complete with green Slytherin robes and a rather nasty combination of warts and acne (He had dueled with Seamus Finnigan and lost quite badly).
"WE'VE HAD IT WITH YOU MALFOY!!!", roared the four menacingly. (They had been teased for being the subject of a stupid fanfic) They pointed their wands and umbrella. There was a flash of brown light, and Malfoy struggled to hop back to the castle, having been transformed into a large yellow toad.
"That was a little extreme. Snape's gonna have our heads", mumbled Ron.
"We really should be heading back up to Hogwarts now", said Harry, checking his watch. "Breakfast is about to start."
"Uh, Harry, Muggle watches don't work at Hogwarts. There's too much magic interference in the air."
They ducked as Harry's watch exploded.
Then Hagrid flew to the staff tables in the Great Hall.
"How did he do that?", inquired Hermione.
"He can because he believes he can", shrugged Ron. "Remember about that hypnosis charm that went awry?"
"Bloody h---", remarked Harry, but all that came out of his mouth was a loud beep.
"This fanfic is rated G, Harry", I reminded him.
"Whatever. Now why don't we go get some breakfast?", suggested Sirius, who had appeared out of nowhere.
"How? - why? - what?", gasped Neville. By now, they had already walked to the Gryffyndor table.
"Oh, uh, my name's been cleared." Sirius smiled. "They know I'm innocent."
"But how?"
"I believe they do", winked Dumbledore mysteriously.
"Oh really...", noted the staff. Together everyone channeled their hate of Voldemort and believed he was dead and soon he was.
~ ~ ~
"Is class going to start anytime soon?", pondered Lavender. Snape and Sirius were dueling in the hall.
"Aha!" A large cauliflower grew out of Snape's head. Then everyone got impaled by toothpicks.
"TWO THOUSAND POINTS OFF FOR EVERY PERSON IN THIS SCHOOL!!!", fumed/roared/shouted Snape, whose head had burst off.
"April fools!", said the Marauders' Map, appearing where Snape's body was.
"I never knew maps could transform."
"Well, they can now."
The map burst into flame.
"You didn't really BELIEVE they could", Hermione reminded WhoeverSaidThat.
Sirius quickly produced another version of the map.
* * *
Harry was bored, so he decided to read Order of the Phoenix. It was a good book, but significantly darker and more psychological than the first four. He was so absorbed in reading it that he failed to notice the appearance of Dolores Umbridge.
"Oh Harryyyy, you will not tell lies", chanted Umbridge in that ludicrously annoying high-pitched voice.
"Have a fly", mumbled Harry absentmindedly and of course since this is fanfiction Umbridge turned into a large frog hort. Harry moved his hand to turn the page and noticed it had "seil llet ton lliw I" written on it. He shook his head in exasperation, mainly because it was annoying to listen to a semi-transparent character complaining to Umbridge about the pointlessness of their DADA course. After a few hours of this, Harry gave up and closed the book before the chattering fictional characters filled his room completely.
Meanwhile, Ron and Hermione were reading The Legacy of Harry Potter to some first years because, after all, they were prefects and had some responsibility. (Oh no, the plotlines are getting confused already! Where's that eraser?)
"@#)%@)(*%@$", commented Ron upon realizing his prefect badge was gone.
"A string of colorful swear words makes an excellent visual effect", noted a first year, and everyone in the common room enjoyed the show until Ron stopped swearing.
"Calm down, Ron", said Hermione. "Wait a minute - this fanfic is published on the internet! We need a computer, but but but how were we reading it all this time? I suppose you could print it out, (computer and printer explode) - WHAT?! There were never electronic appliances here to start with . . . this story is a paradox! How can we be READING something about OURSELVES . . . @@@"
Hermione ranted and went insane since she couldn't make sense of anything, and had to get a mental integrity restoration drought from Madam Pomfrey.
"What's the internet?", asked Tonks curiosly.
"GO AWAY!", said an irritated Harry and all the fictional characters from OOTP disappeared.