Please, tell him, a x/1999 fanfic

Please...tell him

Disclaimers: I don't own TB nor X1999, they belong to Clamp.

Tell him

Anything

But don't tell him

I didn't feel a thing

Because...I always did

Please, tell him this.

This paralysing longing,

I've always desired to declare to someone,

a well-hidden flame only burning for him,

fueled by his sweet existence

scorning him for the rest of his days

leaving aching scars on a sensitive skin.

Those special and essential words that didn't dare to come out,

so much it wounded me whilst just thinking passionately about them.

Imagining myself revealing my weak spot to him,

my fists clenched every time I struggled to keep those emotions down.

Since I've meet him under Sakura rains,

I've been bloodily chained to this delicate person,

shackled with tenderness and care.

For eternity.

Since the Promised Day,

waiting

for another similar Day to arrive.

Freeing me from his deadly embrace,

and him, winning my life as a reward leaving unhealed pentagrams.

Shining in full strength, recalling what impact he had on my short existence.

The world, that's how much he meant to me.

He wouldn't believe me

for I deceived him so many times I lost count.

But just tell him that

every day I prayed for him to release me,

begged angels for this fallen archangel to not abandon me.

Along the way I lost hope turning my face away from the skies,

crying endless tears as his warm and innocent wings would never enwrap me.

Ever

Thinking my prayers to God's above weren't heard,

realizing sinner's pleas aren't recognized,

for he shall not feel.

An assassin can't feel deep within,

empty and aloofness dominates his whole being.

Reduced merely to

a stone,

an old twig,

a single grey rock,

a black heart devoid of any emotions.

Life on earth befell into a purgatory.

Worse than hell itself, for judgement will never come,

everlasting penitence stretched afar made me suffer.

Condemnation punished criminals like me.

The countless souls' lamentations

lying under the sakura tree's roots,

would resound ultimately in my so-called soulless heart.

Making my body cry out loud that it encloses an injured heart.

Weeping

but

not for those unforgiven souls.

not for anyone on this earth.

Not even for my dear striking dead mother,

whose blood I shed ubiquitously in camelia's robes,

Sakura Summoming serving as a final blow to terminate my rite of passage.

I didn't care any less for any human ever since.

Well, I'd be lying if I ever showed concern before.

So why would it change abruptly?

There wasn't any reason to change my state of mind.

Except for one.

I would

walk sightlessly this devoted path faith harshly chose out for my savior and me.

I noticed this fragile boy.

My heart called out for him.

Subaru Sumeragi

I think about him all the time.

Why him?

I'd sacrifice everything for him,

even if I couldn't bear his rapture any longer.

Fighting seemed pointless for a lost prey like me,

for a hunter whose guns lacked fully loaded barels.

Lost in advance,

my arms renounced, falling on my sides,

his shakings made me fall to my knees,

tying my trembling limbs behing my back.

Waiting for his final rage,

I carefully implanted during the Year's Bet,

he would after all grant me solace.

At last.

But meanwhile,

he tore my skin apart I almost lost my mind.

So insane I couldn't distinguish my illusions from reality anymore.

I couldn't stand my reflection in the mocking mirror

expressing everything I became because of him.

Madness engulfed me,

reducing me and leaving an only emotion I was familiar with.

The one I dreaded for all my life,

making me falling deeper in this bottomless abyss

Free me

I told him.

Release me

"Subaru-kun, why won't you kill me?"

This black sheep has already left his flock.

Besides, I never belonged there,

certainly not fitted in the big mass.

No sheppard would ever find me,

I'm already dead.

Awaiting for my blood to stain his scarred hands.

Who's the fool trying to catch his prey?

Catching his attention will lead him straight to me.

I can't breathe anymore.

This is how it will end.

This is how it all started.

Since I've seen his wide hungry eyes,

I stood breathless.

I knew I would die by his gentle perfect hands.

This is how I was blinded, dancing in his Babylon.

Only him would suffice to carry out my funeral.

Only him would ruthlessly be healed by my betrayal.

Eventually.

Why do people say that innocent ones are hunted down by malicious beings?

That those 'bad guys' seek out 'fragile girls'?

And so I fled far away from his sight but not from each other's hearts.

He won't come after me.

Would he?

Even after I sang him eternal love-songs,

promised him heaven on earth,

protected him with my life,

so he would feel my foolishness in his heart.

What he meant to me,

what he enslaved me to,

a masterly crafted irrational game.

So much, even deads and words were insufficient

to express what I felt during cold nights.

So much pain when I missed him.

Although I've comforted him,

made him trust me utterly

with this veterinarian's persona I endosed this year.

Until he was blinded by me,

a two-faced love.

Until

I had made him love me so strongly,

he would equally kill me with the same intensity

after my betrayal.

I put on this genuine mask and clocked my lovesick heart

even masters in disguise couldn't trace.

Told countless lies and fairytales even a child wouldn't trust.

Except he did.

Believing every line of the storybook I told compulsively.

He'll understand the plot in time.

For as the scene was laid out for his gorgeous eyes only.

Sleep vanishes somehow in a starless night

and is filled and completely replaced by imaginings of his smooth streams.

I can't carry those painful words to him

by the easy way

of merely

writing a simple letter.

Tell him, that I won't forget him.

No, I won't.

No.

How could I ever?

I've never stopped thinking about him for a split second.

His entire being invades my day dreaming.

And at night,

I'm dancing,

dancing in his playground.

Tell him that I profoundly miss him.

That it holds so much pain to regret,

faith could have laid out another path for us to walk

keeping out every black cloud.

But then would our paths ever have crossed?

I regret so much

But then not.

I've never kissed him on the lips.

Only bodily tightly held him

Finding comfort in his delicate aura,

desperately wishing it shone only for me.

In due course it will, but without me by his side.

Afraid, while hugging him,

I would in the end fall apart by breaking him.

Impatiently creating an atmosphere he would remember in depressing days.

And so I've left him

while

caressing his face with a single self-blooded hand,

brushing my face with his face,

my cold cheek touching his flushed and wet cheek.

The last warm and velvet touch,

an intimate moment after a long time.

"Don't you think, Subaru-kun?"

Exchanging last vows till death do us part.

A whisper carrying only those words,

unleashing the spell of all worlds,

only meant for his ears and tears,

to seal our secret love-story.

Everlastingly

Requiem

I'll always be,

a part of him.

No,

I'll always be his love.

Since I've lost

and

found heaven.

Please

Tell him...

that I love him.

Owari

A/N: According to many readers, Seishiro-san might seem OOC, but as one of the assassin's hardcore fangirl, I tend to disagree immensily.

For as we all know, the Sakurazukamori is a master in disguise in human sentiments.

So, I guess we'll never know...