Pat sat on his couch in front of a dead TV screen. He was unmoving. His Twitch stream had ended hours ago, yet he refused the option of sleep. Sleep was for the dead and Pat hated death. Death didn't slap. Death wasn't lit. You couldn't dab in death.
Fuck death.
He felt his eyelids grow heavy. He was super sleepy though.
"Fucking piece of shit body!" The petite, bearded, ginger content creator screamed at literally no one. "I NEED RED BULL!"
He pushed himself off his couch, falling for a few seconds before he landed on the ground. Paige, his equally ginger (but slightly more redhead than ginger) caretaker, owner and lover, was not there at the moment, she was overseas somewhere probably. If she had been there, she would have told Pat to keep his Red Bull intake to two a day and he would have ignored her.
As he made his way to the fridge, he began to tire from the journey. He looked for his trusty steed, Elmo, in the hopes that the black and white fur baby that was their pet cat would make the trek less arduous. But alas, Elmo was fuck knows where. Probably sleeping in litter box again. Resigned to exerting more effort than he wanted to, Pat made his way past the mascot of his and Paige's respective streams, Skelmo.
Skelmo was a skeleton that they had because reasons. Reasons involving Paige and dark, disturbing, maddening and insightful desires. She basically has a skeleton fetish. Shellmo, their lobster mascot, was somewhere probably, but lobsters don't have skeletons so they can fuck off.
"Are you my daddy?" Skelmo asked as Pat walked by.
"AAAAAHHHHHHH!" Pat screamed, leaping millimeters into the air in fright.
"AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Skelmo screamed back.
"AAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Pat continued screaming.
"RWOOORRRrrraaaAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Elmo screamed from behind Pat, who was just blind and hadn't seen him. Elmo then turned into a human.
"WHAT THE FUCK, WHAT IS HAPPENING, FUCK THIS, FUCK YOU, WHAT THE FUCK?!" Pat rambled, diving for cover.
Suddenly there was an explosion of light, fire and magic. The magic looked like flashes of yellow lightning and smelled of mustard. It also sprayed mustard in all directions. It's a lore thing. But kind of real too.
KA-BLAOOOMPH-SPLOOORCH
As the cloud and mustard smoke (not gas, this is important) dissipated, Paige was revealed to be standing there. She had long ass hair and a pretty sick figure. Like, all Amazonian and shit, because she was big and strong (at least compared to Pat).
"Pat!" Paige cried, looking around for him before finding him cursing in the corner covered in mustard and occasionally screaming. Looking at her cowering partner and ward, she could help but think he looked like a human version of a muppet. She cooed at him in a tone that was half adoration, half pity.
"Aww, Paaaat," She picked him up and began to rock him gently. "I was looking all over for you. I have some really important news. Now don't freak out but-"
"SKELMO IS TALKING AND ELMO TURNED INTO A FUCKING NAKED DUDE!" Pat screamed.
Paige survey their surroundings, squinting in the dim light of 12,000 lumens. "Oh. You already know."
"Are you my mummy?" Skelmo asked, peeking from behind the couch.
"Ngggg-yaaaAAAAAHHHH." Elmo groan-screamed from the floor. He was a naked guy with black and white hair, like that cow dude from Fruits Basket. His eyes darted in varying directions, kind of like a chameleon. Also, he was naked but it seemed normal like how cats don't wear pants. Nothing else about his nudity was noticed or mentioned ever again.
"Yeaaahhh, I guess I sort of am?" Paige replied, before looking down at Pat. "Ok, so honey, I had something happen to me called an Awakening that made me able to use magic, so I'm a Mage now. I was trying to figure out my magic and someone made another 'Paige is preggers' joke. It distracted me and I put something called Divine Fire into Skelmo which brought him to life as something called a Promethean."
"So what the fuck is up with Elmo?" Woolie asked from nearby.
"Oh, he's a Bastet," Paige answered, "A werecat. He's just a late bloomer because of-"
"Where the fuck did Woolie come from?" Pat asked, with a defeated tone. Why even shout anymore at this point?
"Quiet, honey, I'm explaining things to Woolie." The Mustard Mage said curtly, before turning back to Woolie. "What was I saying?"
"You said Elmo is a werecat. I guess that makes sense." Woolie shrugged. "I'm a vampire now."
"Oh that's cool. What kind?" Paige asked.
"I'm a Gangrel. They aren't as punchy as Brujah but their pretty warrior-like and shit. They can grow claws and turn into animals. Some dude bit me and I tried to fight him off so he turned me because Gangrel are impressed by that shit."
"You can turn into animals?" Skelmo asked.
"Yeah."
Skelmo cocked his skull to one side, looking at Woolie with vacant eye sockets. "So you're like, an Animorph?"
"You're minutes old, how the fuck do you know about Animorphs?!" Pat asked.
"Shut the fuck up about Animorphs!" Woolie shouted.
Paige thought Skelmo's eye sockets looked dreamy.
Elmo was trying to eat his own hair.
It was too much. Pat passed out.