I wrote this at 4 am right after I woke up, I have no idea how bad this is. I have warned you, also there is mentions of self harm so if you are easily triggered maybe this isn't the best story for you.

I sat on my bed staring at his twitter. I don't know why I had even went to it, I knew it would only upset me more. But there I sat scrolling through his tweets reading them. I laughed out loud at one and then felt even more empty sadness consume me.

He was gone completely gone there was no dramatic phone call. Really it happened ever so slowly, we were best friends spent all our time together. Even though I wished and hoped for something more it never came. But slowly he started spending more and more time with that other boy. Dan a boy that was unfairly better than me, he was more attractive more funny and witty. Ever so slowly he moved away to be with Dan leaving me behind.

Of course he said we'd defiantly talk on the phone all the time and vist tons and it be as if nothing had changed. But of course it already had, him for better and me for worse. Each time he actually remembered to call like he said he would my heart leapt to my throat and each to the call was cut short I had to try and keep from crying. He was already gone long before I admitted it, but still I loved him.

That one fact never seemed to fade, I loved him. People always say it will go away over time but after years of loving that boy I knew I'd be stuck loving him forever.

Then I said something at just the right time to piss Dan off and soon he cut all ties with me. Not long after that he did to, it shouldn't had hurt like it did it wasn't like he acknowledge me existence anymore, but still it hurt. More than I could have even imagined, it was like I had lost him all over again, seeing that he really was gone unleashed raw pain that seem to rip through my very soul.

I tried to forget him after that keep him far from my thoughts. He wasn't thinking of me and I wouldn't think of him. All the memories with him were too painful anyway, he seemed to be in a whole different world then were I was anyway. The memories with him brought memories of when I was happy with all my friends, of a time when I had almost been completely cured of my depression.

Not like now where I shut myself away in my room except for work with the constant nagging sensation to drag a blade down my arm. But still I was better then I once was for I had resisted so far to start cutting, instead replacing it with over drinking at home.

I wonder what he was doing in his perfect life were everything went exactly how he wanted it. It was unfair how my life seemed to steadily get worse and his only more perfect. Of course I knew why he was sweet and kind and good where I was bitter and too many mean words to say to others while he had none. It was only right he should have everything he'd want in life.

Slowly I closed his twitter with my eyes lingering on his picture for longer then I should have let myself and picked up the bottle. I knew I shouldn't drink right now not with work in the morning, but it was easy to ignore as I steadily worked on getting drunk enough the memories didn't hurt. Leaving my thoughts on him, on Phil.