Return of the Creeper
"I'm Jack Ryder, reporting live at the scene of the incident, which has been ongoing for the past four hours. It escalated quickly in the early hours of the morning – police were called to the area but were unable to control the violence, which spread rapidly. Now Batman is on the roof, where I think our cameras are just able to see him trying to reason with the criminals, which, in this reporter's opinion, is a useless gesture when dealing with two homicidal maniacs. I'll hand the news story over to the chopper and try to get closer to the scene of the action. Carl, what's going on up there?"
"Well, Jack, we can't be sure, but this appears to be a domestic dispute between the Joker and his girlfriend, Harley Quinn, who have what can kindly be described as a tumultuous relationship. It's anyone's guess how the incident started or what the fight is about, but I'm patching the feed we're getting on our microphones through. Sensitive viewers may wish to leave the room – there's a risk of some strong language."
"…you worthless, useless, utter waste of space! Why the hell won't you just die?!" came the Joker's voice, followed by a hail of bullets.
"After all I've done for you, and this is how you treat me, you ungrateful jerk?!" shrieked Harley Quinn. "I hate you, you disgusting creep! I hate you! I hope this wipes the dumb smile off your stupid face once and for all!"
There was another hail of bullets. "Missed me! You're crap at shooting just like you're crap at life, you dumb bitch! I wish I'd never used you to escape from Arkham! If I'd have known you'd be clinging to me like the pathetic little brat you are, I would've just shot you in the head after we escaped!"
"And I can't believe I wasted the best years of my life on you, you selfish clown!"
"Call those your best? Lemme tell you what I remember about the best years of your life, Harley – lousy cooking, a whole lotta whining, and mediocre sex!"
"Take it back!" shrieked Harley, lunging at him. Batman held her back.
"Harley, please, stop this before one of you dies!"
"Stay outta this, Bats, he's mine!" shouted Harley. She broke away from Batman suddenly and leapt at Joker, kicking him in the head and knocking him to the edge of the roof. She was about to kick him again when he rolled out of the way, sending herself flying over the side. She grabbed onto the edge of the roof, trying to pull herself up. Batman rushed down the other side, preparing to catch her.
"Don't bother, Bats, just let her die!" said Joker, glaring down at her. "She's no use to anyone. She's never been any use to anyone, just a worthless, pathetic, dumb blonde bimbo. Should have done this a long time ago," he muttered, preparing to step on her hands.
"Yeah, me too!" snapped Harley, ripping out a knife and stabbing him in the leg. He shouted in pain, losing his balance and falling over the edge. He grabbed Harley on the way down, and she screamed as they fell together. She managed to grab onto a railing about halfway down the building, but struggled to hold onto it.
"Harley, listen to me very carefully," hissed Joker, hanging off her leg and looking down. "Do not let go of that railing."
"You think I'm an idiot, Mr. J?" she hissed, trying to hang on. She looked around for Batman, who was hurrying over to them. She just hoped he could reach them before…
And suddenly she lost her grip and they plummeted again. Harley shut her eyes and prepared for a lotta pain as they impacted onto the roof of the neighboring building and fell through it, landing on the floor below amid a hail of dust and broken beams. She coughed and struggled to her feet, relatively unhurt.
"Thanks for breaking my fall, puddin'," she said, looking down at him.
"That's ok, pooh, something broke mine," he said, standing up. They both looked down to see Jack Ryder, lying senseless on the floor.
"Hey, it's the reporter guy!" exclaimed Joker, beaming. "Think he was trying to get a good news story, pooh?"
"I think he just found one!" giggled Harley. "What should we do with him, Mr. J?"
"I dunno," said Joker, grinning. "But it'll be a whole lotta fun, whatever it is!" He laughed, and then winced slightly and pulled the blade out of his leg. "Jesus, baby, you could have been a little more gentle with the stabbing."
"Sorry, puddin'," cooed Harley, kneeling down and kissing his wound. "But I was really angry at you up there, saying all those mean things about me. You didn't mean 'em, did you, puddin'?"
"Nah, not most of them," he said.
"Well, which ones did you mean?" she asked, looking up at him.
"I dunno," he replied, shrugging.
"Whaddya mean you don't know?" demanded Harley, suddenly angry again. "You said I was a lousy cook!"
"Well, you are," he retorted.
"And that I whined a lot!"
"And what are you doing now?" he demanded.
"And that the sex was mediocre!"
He didn't respond. "It ain't mediocre!" shrieked Harley.
"Maybe not for you, pooh…" he began, but Harley shrieked again and leapt at him, knocking him to the ground and punching him repeatedly in the face.
"It ain't mediocre!" she hissed. "It ain't, it ain't, it ain't! Is it, Mr. J?" she asked, suddenly desperate.
He chuckled. "You'll have to remind me, pooh," he whispered, flipping her over suddenly and kissing her.
"Oh…Mr. J!" she breathed adoringly, returning his kisses. "Oh yes! Yes! Oh, I love you, puddin'!"
They heard a groan suddenly. "Was that you?" asked Joker, looking at her.
"Of course it ain't me!" she snapped. They both turned to see Jack Ryder slowly regaining consciousness.
"Oops, we'll have to postpone playtime, pooh!" chuckled Joker, standing up. "Mustn't be naughty in front of our guest!"
Harley sighed in disappointment and rose, standing next to Joker and watching Jack Ryder gradually wake up. He opened his eyes and shook his head slowly, and then suddenly felt his arm. Panic leapt into his eyes.
"Oh no," he muttered. "Oh no. Where's the patch?"
"Patch?" repeated Joker.
"Yes, my patch," said Jack Ryder, not even seeming to care that the Joker and Harley Quinn were standing next to him as he felt about desperately for it. "Little piece of cotton, help me look for it!"
Joker looked at Harley, puzzled. "Gee, he must have really hit his head hard. He's more concerned with some little patch than the fact he's trapped in a building with us. What's so special about the patch, sport?"
"I don't have time to explain – just help me find it," he said. "Quickly! Please!"
"Why don't you tell me what happens when we find it, and then we'll help you look for it," replied Joker.
"It's not what happens when you find it!" snapped Jack Ryder. "It's what happens if you don't! I can't control it…I…he…oh no! Oh no, he's coming! I can feel him…he's coming!"
He gasped, falling to his knees. Joker and Harley watched in confusion as Jack Ryder suddenly began to change, as his skin yellowed and his hair became a dark green and his face twisted itself into a maniacal smile. He suddenly looked up, laughing.
"Oh…my…God," stammered Harley, horrified.
"Aw, crap," muttered Joker, as they both looked down into the grinning, leering face of the Creeper.