The drunk footsteps that had followed them home served a catalyst for the current conversation. The blue walls and slanted ceiling of Tino's all too familiar bedroom hadn't changed much in the five years since seventh grade.
"That's what I like about us," the skinny blonde began, "We're constant." "Elaborate please" added Carver, not understanding the odd conversation starter. Tino sighed, "I just mean that we've always been the same, none of us ever got into...THAT."
Lor snorted "Hah! You mean that MESS of a next door neighbor you got? Why would u ever want to get that messed up bro?" The athletic girl leaned on the stairs leading up to Tino's bed. It was late, they'd stayed out at funville shooting pool until it closed. It wasn't until they were about halfway to Tino's that their tail appeared. Tino had immediately recognized him as Chad, his party boy neighbor. His footsteps were uneven and every now and then the group heard giggles and the occasional hiccup from behind them.
Tino shook his head at Lor's question, "You got me" he said, "but that's why I like us, we're all on the same page. Connected and familiar, you know?"
He smiled at his friends. The group had stayed the same, close knit bunch they started as in middle school, and now halfway through their senior year they all still liked each other.
"CRAP!" The panicked yell interrupted the comfortable silence they'd found and made the rest of the group jump a little. "It's midnight!" Carver shrieked, "Oh my god my parents are going to literally kill me, sorry guys! I gotta split! See you later!" He shouted already halfway down the stairs nearly running into Tino's mom. "Sorry Ms. T!" He said dashing out the door.
She smiled and continued her walk upstairs eventually leaning on the doorframe. "I was just going to say the same thing," she started, "as much as I love a bunch of teenagers in my house at midnight, a mom has her limits". Lor and Tish stood up gathering their things "No problem Ms. Tonitini." Tish smiled as she walked out the door with Lor close behind. Tino's mom followed the pair down the stairs and watched them walk outside. They thanked her and went on their way. "Be careful on your walk home girls!" She called closing the door behind them.
—
The night was brisk. Despite living on the coast, winter was still cold. And though a bit chilled, the two girls happily welcomed it as they could see their breath.
Lor pretended to hold a cigarette between her fingers. "So miss," she sucked in, "A fine dame like yourself come here often?" she said exhaling and letting the warmth from her mouth imitate smoke floating and disappearing into the night sky. Tish laughed blowing into her hands. Because the day had been warm, she didn't think to bring a jacket, and as a result she was stuck walking home wearing only her cardigan and skirt. She folded her arms tucking her hands underneath her armpits so as to keep all her fingers in tact. The walk wasn't that far, but one can never be too careful.
Lor turned to Tish, "Can you believe that guy today?"
"You mean the drunk one?" Tish asked.
Lor playfully socked her shoulder, "Duh!"
Tish chuckled a bit and continued, "It really is odd that you'd want to do that to yourself, he's not even going to remember anything from tonight, seems like a waste.."
Lor laughed, "And not mention how bad he's gonna feel that tomorrow!" They both giggled filling the air with puffs of white.
Lors house came quicker than either of them wanted, and before walking in, Lor added, "I agree with Tino though, I'm glad we're the same." She smiled and stepped inside waving to Tish on her way, but before she closed the door, she immediately turned around smacking her forehead. "Holy shit you're probably cold oh my god!" She began taking off her worn red hoodie and putting it on Tish. The redhead opened her mouth about ready to protest before she was cut off. "You can't argue because I'm literally on my doorstep AND you know I have, like, seventy jackets" Tish smiled and looked at the ground, "Thanks" she said zipping it up. Lor gave her a toothy grin and a wink, "No problem." She smiled and stepped back inside giving another wave.
Tish frowned then thinking back on Lor's comment before the jacket. Were they really the same? She knew for a fact that she wasn't. Tino knew she wasn't. Carver knew she wasn't. Five years is a long time. Especially when you're a malleable, growing teenager. For example you can start doing things you hadn't before, like watching your friend play basketball during gym just a touch longer than normal. Like trying to memorize the way her bangs stick to her sweaty forehead and cheeks, stealing glances each and every time she lifts her shirt up to wipe her face, feeling your own grow hot at the sight of abs sculpted by relentless physical activity. Like buying flannels because you know she likes boys in them, so why not you too? Like offering to help her paint her nails for prom just so you have an excuse to hold her hands. Like smelling the jacket she just let you borrow. Like completely and totally falling for one of your closest friends.
Tish knew she liked Lor. She had since eighth grade. Her quest to find a crush in seventh grade complete with interviews led her to believe there simply wasn't a boy-or man-who was her type at that time. She accepted that not having a crush was okay and patiently waited for the right boy to come around.
But after she continuously felt nothing for boys who were attractive or smart or seemingly "her type" she began to dig deeper. Being an analytical person she googled "What does a crush feel like" and the usual came up. Butterflies. Anxiousness. Not being able to stop thinking about them. And slowly she pieced together why she couldn't find a boy to crush on. It was the wrong gender entirely.
It had been minimal, but she felt those so called butterflies for the first time when the whole group went to see Gladiator IV the Beginning of the End. As cliché as it might've been, Tish's hand brushed against Lor's while reaching for popcorn, and in that moment her stomach jumped. and she imagined the two of them, fingers interlocked.
Thanks to Google's wonderful description of a crush, in that dark movie theatre everything Tish had been brushing off pieced itself together. No it wasn't platonic to want to give your friend a kiss on the cheek when telling her goodbye. Thinking more than once about spending time alone with her so you could maybe hold her hand wasn't just a 'friend thing'. The popcorn gesture was nothing to Lor, simply a bump of pinky fingers, but for Tish, it was the entire realization that she was crushing on not only a close friend, but a girl.
Although she felt better understanding her feelings completely, her first thought was that confessing was not and would never be an option. Having accepted these feelings, she was now in charge of keeping them secret until they faded. Years later she was proud at how well she'd followed through with her original plan but worried about how the 'fading' part simply refused to happen. Lor had no idea, and no matter the fact that every passing day the task seemed exponentially more difficult, Tish wasn't sure she could keep the secret for seven more months.
She was home now, the windows dark as her parents were asleep long ago. She quietly unlocked the door, took her shoes off and went to her room. Flopping onto the bed, she shut her eyes and tried to distract herself by groggily grabbing a random Shakespeare play. But even forcing herself to read didn't take her mind off of Lor. Lor this and Lor that. It never ended. Though most of the time it wasn't simply thought but rather fantasies that kept Tish awake at night. She'd never admit it, but she really was the queen of fantasizing, five years of practice helps.
It seemed that now they came without Tish even needing to try. They were more frequent these past few months compared to so many years ago.
'That's probably why it's even harder to keep myself under control,' she thought, 'but I can't tell anyone. I can't, I promised Tino and Carver.'
Tish's resolve was only so strong, freshman year she let the boys know how she was feeling and unsurprisingly they mirrored her thoughts.
If she confessed, it could potentially ruin the group dynamic. Though unlikely, Lor's reaction could be negative, and with only four people in their group, it'd be difficult to diffuse the tension. Plus, to everyone's knowledge, Lor was straight. She liked Thompson.
'Oh right,' Tish remembered. Lor and Thompson had started dating the beginning of sophomore year and were still going strong.
Really it was for the best. If Lor was taken, it only further enforced the 'No Confession' rule. She and Thompson complemented each other, shared interests and could match one another in sports making great competition. Besides, Tish had always bet on meeting a nice, bookish girl in college. Maybe one that wasn't so...distracting.
Lor had recently gotten into bro tanks, and within a week her collection went from zero to thirteen. Winter didn't stop her, and because of all her sports, every muscle was well defined and rock solid. With nothing but a sports bra underneath, Tish's eyes had wandered more than once into the giant arms holes...
She shook her head. This was the final stretch. Another seven months and she was home free, the whole group would go off to college, and she'd have some time to breathe. She honestly couldn't wait because as things were now, she found the action difficult every time she was alone with the blonde. Sighing the redhead sat up and turned her light off not bothering to change into pajamas and thinking to herself 'I'll shower in the morning'.