This is the sequel to This Heart of Mine, but could almost definitely be read on it's own. This one has a happy ending.
Dear Nick,
If you're reading this, that means you've probably run into Jeff again. And you're probably thinking about how great it would be to get back together with him. But...
He broke your heart. In public. When you asked him to marry you.
He chews really loudly. Just reminding you.
Speaking of chewing, he chews on his nails and clips them while watching TV so you can't pay attention to what's going on.
He talks over the TV. He repeats jokes from sitcoms literally seconds after they're said, as if you didn't hear it the first time or something.
In the winter he always gets sick and really needy.
He gets bad ideas and then won't let them go no matter how many times you explain to him why they're bad ideas.
...But, okay, face it. He's the love of your life. You're going to get back together with him if you can.
Sincerely, Nick.
It had been three years since Nick had seen Jeff.
For three days after he proposed, Nick couldn't bear to see Jeff, and instead stayed with their friend Bennett. When he finally returned to their apartment, he found that every trace of Jeff was just gone. There was one thing about proposals that Nick hadn't considered: when the answer was 'no,' that had a tendency to end a relationship.
Looking around their apartment, it would've been as if he had never been there, if not for the fact that there were clearly places where things of his had been that were now glaringly empty. Upon walking in with him, Bennett commented, "Well, that's the saddest kind of poetic" at about the same time Nick wondered out loud, "So, does this mean I'm officially single?"
It was after that point that Nick was essentially glued to Bennett's side. When the lease on his apartment ran out, it was a no brainer for Nick to move in with him.
This was beneficial for a few reasons: shared rent, of course, but more importantly the fact that, while he had a good number of memories with Jeff in Bennett's apartment, it wasn't like it was infused with Jeff the way their apartment was, like how a serial smoker's walls would always smell of nicotine.
It was also not beneficial for a few reasons: Bennett wasn't neat at all, and also living with him exposed Nick to a fair number of girlfriends and the sight of more naked women's bodies than he'd ever cared to see.
Living together also meant that when one of them got mail, chances were that the other would see it. Like when Nick got what was clearly a wedding invitation in the mail.
"Which one of your friends is getting married?" Bennett asked as he walked into the apartment one morning with the day prior's mail, tossing the envelope onto the counter.
Nick frowned down at it, furrowing his brow. "I don't know of…" he trailed off after a moment, pushing both the envelope and his bowl of Cheerios away from himself and shaking his head quickly. "That says Sterling. It's Jeff. It's fucking Jeff."
With that, Bennett snatched the envelope up again, his eyebrows going up at the sight. "Oh. Damn," he said, not bothering to ask before opening up the envelope. "That's cold."
Sure enough, out of the envelope came a card announcing the wedding details for Jeff Marshall Sterling and Adrian Benjamin Greer. Nick felt like he was going to throw up.
It wasn't that Nick didn't know that Jeff had moved on. No, despite the fact that he (and Bennett as well, in a touching show of solidarity) had cut himself off from the rest of their group of friends, he still heard about Jeff's life. Heard about how his boss had passed away and left him the flower shop, about how he had couch-surfed for a while after moving out but eventually just started living in the second floor of said flower shop, about how he had had a few boyfriends but nothing serious.
Well, apparently that last one wasn't quite true.
But still, Nick had kept relatively good tabs on Jeff, regardless of whether or not he really intended to. People who mutually knew them seemed to think that he needed to know the goings on in Jeff's life, and he wasn't sure whether he appreciated it or not. Especially considering how it seemed that they had decided to spare him the fact that apparently Jeff had gotten engaged, which he probably would've appreciated a warning on.
"It's like he's bragging," Bennett commented, drawing Nick out of his own head.
"What?" Nick asked after a moment, still staring down at the glossy paper on their counter.
"That's he's moved on. Like he's won or something," he said with a shrug. "Or, ha, Nick, look, this guy wins! I'm starting to really get the feeling that he started his descent into douchebagness when you proposed to him."
Nick just shook his head slightly, unable to say anything bad about Jeff but also knowing that Bennett would judge him if he jumped to his defense.
"I'm Facebooking this Adrian Benjamin Greer," Bennett said, rolling his eyes as he went to grab his laptop. As he pulled Facebook up and typed in the name, he ranted, "Just realized, his middle name is Benjamin. What if he goes by his middle name and he goes by Ben? A person can't have more than one Ben name in their life."
Nick set his spoon down in his bowl, getting to his feet. "Well, Jeff doesn't exactly have you in his life anymore," he said.
Bennett paused for a moment, wincing at that. He then turned the laptop to show Nick what was on screen. "There."
Once he had seen what it was, he almost wished he hadn't looked. It was a picture of Jeff and another man at a bar, both with the kind of smiles on their faces that were only captured by catching the subject of the picture off guard. And the other man? He was gorgeous, model gorgeous.
Nick couldn't help himself but to click through a few more pictures, blaming his morbid fascination. He had bright blue eyes, to the extent that Nick was almost sure that they were photoshopped. His hair was light, something like dirty blond, and it was short but just long enough that in a few pictures it fell over his forehead.
"Well, he's probably a model," Bennett said with a brightness in his voice that almost made Nick want to punch him. "They probably have sex. Jeff's probably fucked that guy."
"Not helping, Bennett."
To his credit, he did look a bit upset with himself for having said that. "Right, sorry, thinking out loud," he said. "But I mean, you knew that he would be sleeping with other guys. It's not like you haven't."
Nick frowned slightly before pulling his bowl back to him and distracting himself with spooning Cheerios into his mouth.
"Nick, please tell me that silence is not indicative of what I think it is indicative of," Bennett said, raising his eyebrows at him. When he didn't reply, he shook his head in disapproval and added, "Nick Duval, it has been three years. Please, dear god, tell me that you have not gone three years without touching someone's dick or having your dick touched."
"I touch my own dick," he mumbled with a small shrug.
Bennett opened his mouth and then closed it again, shaking his head. "Before this reaches a point that neither of us is comfortable with, I'm going to leave for work," he said. He turned to look at the computer screen again, furrowing his brow with a shake of his head. "Go away, other Ben," he mumbled, shutting the laptop.
He tossed his laptop into his bag and headed for the door, ignoring Nick's call of, "You don't even go by Ben!"
Once Nick was fairly sure that he was gone, he pulled out his phone and pulled up a number that he hadn't looked at in about two and a half years, something that he was fairly proud of. Though, it certainly helped that he had had to replace his phone in the meantime, otherwise he probably would have still been rereading his conversations with Jeff three years later.
He spent the better part of an hour typing messages and then almost sending them before realizing something that he didn't like about them. He had never thought about the possibility of it being awkward when he came into contact with Jeff again after so long. He didn't want to mess it up.
Eventually, he came to the fact that technically Jeff was the one who had initiated contact, and there was probably nothing he could do that was more awkward than sending your ex an invitation to your wedding, especially when your last conversation with said ex was a failed marriage proposal.
So he settled on this:
To Jeff: You invited me to your wedding.
And ten minutes later, he received a reply back:
From Jeff: I did.
To Jeff: You're getting married.
From Jeff: I am.
To Jeff: Can I get a response that's more than two syllables?
From Jeff: I don't know.
To Jeff: Wow. That's really funny.
There was a long pause then, and Nick couldn't help himself but to type out another message.
To Jeff: You know the stupid thing? I did laugh. Because I just know you did that on purpose. You're such a dork.
From Jeff: Why did you text me?
Nick wished that that message wasn't as painful to read as it was.
To Jeff: Why did you invite me to your wedding?
Again, Jeff didn't respond for a while.
To Jeff: Bennett thinks you're bragging. I'd like to think that I still know you well enough to know you wouldn't do that.
From Jeff: Don't do that.
To Jeff: Okay. Just answer the question.
From Jeff: I don't know. You were a really important part of my life.
To Jeff: Isn't it taboo to invite an ex to your wedding? I don't know, I'm pretty sure they talked about that at some point on How I Met Your Mother.
From Jeff: Yeah. When Ted was going marry Stella and he invited Robin to the wedding.
To Jeff: Exactly. But you're still deflecting. Why did you invite me to your wedding? I really don't want to think that you did it to hurt me.
From Jeff: I didn't do it to hurt you. I couldn't hurt you.
It took Nick a while to figure out a good way to reply to that message. In the end, he decided on something that was decidedly not a good way to reply.
To Jeff: That's honestly pretty rich coming from you.
From Jeff: Nick…
And that hurt, just that word. Because he could see the look on Jeff's face, could hear the way his voice sounded. He knew Jeff never intended to hurt him, really, but… It didn't change the fact that he had hurt him, deeper than he'd ever imagined being hurt.
To Nick: So… Tell me about Adrian.
Thus began the longest couple of hours of Nick's life. He found out that the two had met about a year after he and Nick broke up, when Adrian came into the flower shop to buy an arrangement for his grandmother. When Jeff asked him if it was for a special occasion, he replied that he just thought she might like it.
From there, their relationship grew, with Adrian regularly coming in and making excuses to order more flowers for his loved ones. Eventually, one day he had Jeff make an arrangement with blue hyacinth, and when he asked who it was for, Adrian answered that it was for Jeff and then kissed him. Ever since, they'd been hopelessly in love.
Mercifully, he didn't say anything about how exactly they'd gotten engaged.
In the end, there was very little that Nick could think of to say.
To Jeff: So, you really love him.
From Jeff: Yes. I really love him. I wouldn't marry him otherwise.
To Jeff: Okay. I'm happy for you.
From Jeff: Oh, you are? Well, thank you.
And then Nick sent something he immediately regretted:
To Jeff: I still love you.
From Jeff: Please don't do this.
To Jeff: Sorry. But… Can I at least see you?
From Jeff: I suppose so…
To Jeff: Are you busy Thursday night?
From Jeff: No, I don't think so.
To Jeff: Great. Tell me your address, and I'll come get you at seven, okay?
The conversation all but ended after that point, and Nick spent several minutes staring down at Jeff's address, trying to tell himself that this was a horrible idea. But still… He couldn't not see Jeff. And if, maybe just maybe, they saw each other and it magically just all came back to Jeff, well, he wasn't going to fight a good thing.
"The high school sweetheart versus the sweetest damn love story ever," he mumbled as he excited out of his messages. "Who wins that fight?"
Before setting down his phone, Nick set the password lock on it. He knew it was a bit ridiculous, and that if Bennett noticed (which he probably wouldn't) it would just make him more suspicious, but it was the security of it that he needed. He figured that, despite the fact that Bennett and Jeff had been close—probably closer than Nick and Bennett, as it were—before the breakup, he still would probably be at least a bit disapproving of Nick texting Jeff.
Still, though, when Bennett came back into the apartment, Nick guiltily shoved his phone away as if he would instantly know what he had been doing.
"I've got tequila!" Bennett announced with a bright grin, holding up a bottle of Jose Cuervo that was ridiculously big for two people. In his other hand was a plastic grocery bag, which he shook as he added, "And the makings of margaritas."
"That sounds like a bad idea," Nick commented, raising an eyebrow.
"But margaritas! Straight up tequila! I'll let you take a shot off of my body!" he protested, shaking the bag and tequila.
"Is this because of the wedding invitation?"
Bennett nodded quickly. "What else?"
Nick sighed, shaking his head. "I'm fine, Bennett," he said. I really am, because, see, I talked to my soul mate today. And I'm maybe hoping to break up his engagement. He figured it'd be best not to say that.
"Sure, you're fine, says Sober Nick," Bennett said, shrugging off his words. "But Drunk Nick is just waiting in the wings, crying for you to let him out so that he can sob about Jeff getting married!"
He paused for a moment, then shook his head. "No, I just checked with Drunk Nick. He's okay too," he said.
Bennett huffed and walked off, and for a moment Nick had thought that that was the end of it. Until, of course, a moment later, when Bennett came back into the room and set down a shot glass full of tequila and said simply, "Drink."
Nick opened his mouth to protest, but before he could say anything else, Bennett started talking again.
"I was thinking that maybe we could watch some crappy chick flicks off of Netflix and get totally wasted," he said. "You'll forget all about Jeff."
The funny thing was that Bennett had made that claim dozens of times. He had yet to realize that nothing in the world could make him forget about Jeff.
But still, he picked up the shot and downed it. "Happy?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.
Bennett just laughed and nodded. "I'm going to make us some margaritas."
Nick rolled his eyes and turned on the TV and got them set up to choose something off of Netflix.
In the end, they decide on Breakfast at Tiffany's, because, according to Bennett, Audrey Hepburn was "the classiest motherfucker to ever grace us mere mortals with her face." Notably, this was said after only a sip or two of margarita.
After a quick Google search, they easily found several ideas for a drinking game for the movie, and it didn't take long for them to get drunk enough to just give up on the game and mixing margaritas so that they were just drinking straight tequila from the bottle as fast as they wanted.
So not too long later, Nick was laying on his side with his head in Bennett's lap, laughing as the other man was yelling at the television screen things like "But who the fuck is Tiffany?" and "That's so racist!"
Shortly before the end of the movie, though, Bennett announced his need to use the bathroom.
"You're going to break the seal," Nick sing-songed to him, shaking his head. "And you'll miss the end!"
"Maybe this time they won't kiss in the rain with the cat," he said, looking at the screen with a concerned expression on his face.
"Shhh, spoilers," Nick said, shaking his head quickly.
"Like you don't know. Jeff made you watch this, like, shit, every time he was sick." Just a second after saying that, Bennett stopped and winced.
"It's okay, talk about Jeff. We haven't talked about Jeff in years and—"
Before Nick could say anything else, Bennett was pulling him up and close so that their lips were pressed together. On instinct, Nick kissed him back and pressed in close to him, but the fact of the matter was that, even completely wasted and a few years separated from his last real kiss, it wasn't what he wanted.
Bennett was probably the exact opposite of Jeff. His skin was dark, not even slightly comparable to Jeff's pale complexion. There was stubble on his chin, whereas it seemed like Jeff had never even heard of a beard. Speaking of hair, Jeff's was long and ridiculously light whereas Bennett's was dark and so short he couldn't even attempt to grab onto it. Even if Nick tried to lose himself in the kiss, there was still the fact that the only person who had ever kissed him with this much intensity didn't kiss the way Bennett did at all.
Unfortunately, though, he didn't really have the presence of mind to push him away. Instead he just sat up more and shifted onto Bennett's lap as their mouths worked sloppily against each other.
When Bennett's hands moved down to the front of his pants, Nick pulled back and looked at him with raised eyebrows. "You're straight," he stated.
"You haven't had sex in three years, I mean, shit. A bro's gotta help a bro," Bennett said, grinning at Nick before looking down again as his fingers fumbled on his belt. "Take one for the other team or something."
Nick shook his head slightly. "No… It's okay. Okay."
"Somebody needs to touch your dick. I'll just touch your dick a bit, it'll be great," he said emphatically, pushing at Nick's pants.
It was at that point that Nick started to move away from him, just sober enough to know that this was a colossally bad idea. "You shouldn't touch my dick," he said, getting to his feet and swaying slightly.
Bennett's mouth fell open slightly as he leaned forward and lifted his hands up to reach towards Nick. "No, seriously, it's cool. I jerk off, I could give you a great handy."
The very sincere look on Bennett's face was too much for him, and he lost his balance and fell to the floor. If he was thinking clearly, he would have noticed the fact that he had hit the coffee table on the way down and would have some pretty bad bruises in the morning, or the fact that his head had made an impressive thud against the ground that was likely a concussion. Instead, of course, he was all but unaware on the pain in his legs and head and was just rolling with laughter. "Neither of us wants that," he said once he had finally calmed down a bit.
After a moment of just staring at him, Bennett nodded slowly. "Okay," he said. After a moment he added, "We should call Jeff."
"That's a bad idea," he mumbled in reply, rolling onto his side so that he could look up at Bennett.
"It's a great idea."
"Bad idea."
"Great. Where's my phone?"
"Kitchen," Nick answered, his eyes flitting for a second vaguely in the direction of the kitchen.
"Mmm… I'll get that. In a moment," Bennett said, though he let his eyes close and he quickly fell asleep instead.
The next thing Nick was aware of was a splitting headache and an urgent need to find something anything to throw up into.
Mere seconds after he reached consciousness, he was bent over the kitchen sink puking his guts out. He realized vaguely that he was probably still a bit drunk, because the logical choice would have been to run to the bathroom instead of the kitchen, since both were about an equal distance from the living room.
After running the water in the sink for a moment and then going to the bathroom to wash his mouth out and take an aspirin, he woke up Bennett to give him an aspirin as well.
They sat in silence for a several minutes before Bennett said quietly, "Thanks for not letting me touch your junk."
"Oh, trust me, that's a really good thing for both of us," Nick replied with a tiny smile, pushing himself to his feet. He groaned and rubbed his temples before starting to walk towards his bedroom.
"I feel like I should be insulted," the other man mumbled before sliding himself to the floor, pulling the blanket from the couch with him and curling up to go back to sleep.
They both spent the entirety of the day in their beds. At some point Nick dragged himself out from under the covers for just long enough to find a trash can to keep by his bedside.
The downside to riding out his hangover in bed, of course, was that once he was feeling human and well-rested again, it was nighttime and he couldn't sleep. Adding to his inability to sleep was the realization that when day came again, it would be Thursday. Thursday meant Jeff.
He tried to get himself to pass out, telling himself that sleeping would make the next day arrive faster, just like he was a kid too excited on Christmas Eve. The problem was that he couldn't stop thinking about possible ways that the meeting would go.
Logically, he knew that it would probably be mostly pleasant but also a bit awkward, or, you know, more than a bit awkward. He knew that it wasn't going to be a big romantic reunion. But still, in the quiet dark safety of his bed, he let himself imagine Jeff falling into his arms again.
No, he definitely wasn't sleeping. The worst part, he decided, was that it wasn't even the fact that he was wide awake. The worst part was that, in the past, when thoughts of Jeff had kept him up, it had always been the sort of thing that a bit of time with his right hand would help. This, however, was an entirely romantic fantasy. In that moment, he wanted nothing more than to just hold Jeff again.
He laid there for a while, putting all his attention into focusing on breathing in and out. It had always helped him get to sleep in the past, but it became evident that it wouldn't work this time.
So instead of wasting more time at that, he pushed himself up from his bed and went into the kitchen and grabbed an assortment of cleaning supplies.
He had the apartment all but spotless by the time that the sun was coming up.
After taking a shower to wash all the grime of cleaning off of him, he went and sat at the breakfast bar. Still sitting out on the counter was the wedding invitation, right where they had left it. He lost count of how many bowls of Cheerios he went through that morning just staring down at the glossy cardstock.
A thud followed by slow approaching footsteps signaled the fact that Bennett was up.
"I should throw that away," was his greeting, muffled by a yawn.
Nick shook his head, spooning more cereal into his mouth. "No, don't," he said. "There's something therapeutic about just staring at it."
"Sure, if by 'therapeutic' you mean 'stalkerish and frankly deeply saddening,'" Bennett replied as he went to the fridge and pulled out their carton of milk.
"Don't drink straight from—oh, it's too late, you've already done it, you're a horrible roommate."
"You're the horrible one, you're trying to distract me from the gigantic wedding invitation-shaped elephant in the room."
"To be fair, the invitation isn't gigantic. It's pretty small, you know, fits easily in a mailbo—"
It was then that Bennett gave up, shoving Nick and sending him falling off his stool to the floor.
"I'm just going to go now," Nick said with a laugh as he pushed himself to his feet. He grabbed his bag and headed for the door, rolling his eyes as he saw that Bennett was, once again, drinking straight out of the carton.
Going to work was hard.
Most completely normal days seemed to drag by, and, as time often did when you were waiting for something, it seemed to slow down almost to a full stop.
It was days like these when he wished he had a different job, something that involved more than just writing stories for a paper that was probably the smallest one in the city. That wasn't to say that it wasn't a good job and Nick didn't love it, but… Well, it wasn't the most interesting job out there.
Mostly, his day consisted of rummaging through pitches, seeing what he could actually work with, and then pretending to write articles but mostly just staring at the screen and looking busy. It didn't really pass the time well.
But finally, finally he was done. When five o'clock came around, he practically jumped out of his seat in his eagerness to get to his car and get home. Getting back to his apartment around five thirty gave him about an hour to get ready before going to pick up Jeff.
He spent almost the entire hour quietly panicking in his bedroom.
But eventually he just settled on something, telling himself that this was not a date and no matter what he wore, Jeff would not just fall into his arms again. (Still, though, he wore a cardigan that he had been told "really brought out his arms.")
He slipped out of the apartment while Bennett was in the bathroom, knowing that his roommate would, no doubt, be interested in knowing where exactly Nick was running off to. That wasn't really a conversation he was ready to have, so instead he just quickly made his way out the door and to his car.
A short while later, Nick pulled up outside of the address Jeff had given him, letting out a long sigh as he looked up at the building before pulling out his phone.
To Jeff: I'm outside, in my car.
A minute or two passed before Jeff came walking down the stairs out of his apartment. His eyes landed quickly on Nick's car, and he lifted a hand to wave.
Nick gestured for him to get in the car, waiting until he was in and the door was closed before saying, "I didn't know if, you know, Adrian knew about this, so..."
"He doesn't," Jeff answered, and there was a long moment of slightly awkward silence.
After a bit, Nick finally smiled at Jeff. "It really is nice to see you again," he said. His hand itched to reach over and take Jeff's, just like he always had, but he knew it was for the best he didn't.
"It's nice to see you too," he replied, and his glance back up at his apartment building made Nick start up the car going again. Jeff let out a breath as they started moving, and asked, "So, where are we going, anyways?"
Nick chuckled softly before answering, "Anthony's."
"Oh," Jeff said with slightly raised eyebrows, nodding. "I haven't been there since... Yeah." Since before we broke up.
"I went a few times," he replied with a small shrug, letting out a noise that was almost a laugh. "Would not recommend doing that."
Those words gave Jeff pause. "Why?" he asked. "Did it get bad?"
"No, no, it couldn't," he said with a small grin. "But, ah... We went there together so much. So they sat me at our old table and they asked about you and then when I told them you and I were over... Well, on the plus side, they gave me free tiramisu."
For a long moment, Jeff just stared at him, unsure what to say. "They do have good tiramisu," he said finally.
"Indeed they do," Nick said, nodding his agreement.
There was another stretch of quiet. Then, quietly, Jeff said, "I'm sorry."
"It's okay," Nick said with a shrug, which he decided was a show of the progress he'd made. He'd never have been able to act so nonchalant about it even two years ago. "I've found lots of nice new restaurants since we broke up."
"Have you dated?" he asked.
"Here and there," he said, because while it was still noncommittal at least it sounded better than the truth that he hadn't even thought about dating.
Jeff nodded slowly, raising an eyebrow at him. "So, nobody right now?"
"Nope, nobody," he replied. "Unless Bennett counts."
"Not at all," he said with a laugh.
"Figured. We spoon sometimes, though, so..."
In that moment, Nick wished that he wasn't driving, because he could see in the corner of his eye that Jeff was giving him a fond look. "I miss you."
Nick hesitated for just a second before saying anything. He opened his mouth, the words I miss you too on the tip of his tongue, but what came out instead was: "I want you back."
"Nick…"
"I shouldn't have said that. I didn't even mean to say that out loud," he backtracked quickly.
Jeff was looking at him, his head tilted slightly to the side. "But you did mean it, didn't you?" he asked.
"Well, I can't lie, of course I meant it," he said. "So, you know, if you want to back out of this and have me take you back home now instead, that's cool. I could go, you know, convince Bennett to spoon."
Jeff let out a laugh at that, shaking his head quickly. "No, don't do that," he said. He paused, taking in a long breath before adding, "You told me you still love me. I'd have to be pretty dumb to not realize that you wanted me back."
"It's not like I expect it, though," he said, looking over at Jeff for a moment and nodding. "I get that there's a difference between what I want and what I can have. I get it."
Jeff just nodded, breathing out a soft sigh as the restaurant came into view. "You know, I really did miss this place," he said.
"Me too," he said as he parked the car.
It was hard for Nick not to reach over and take Jeff's hand as they walked into the building. It was just muscle memory, the impulse to take his hand and remind him of the step up to the curb even though they were both well aware that it was there.
Walking into Anthony's was like walking into three years in the past.
Immediately the hostess at the stand grinned widely at them, saying, "My lovebirds!" and brought them back to their usual table. And, just like everything else about that place, their seats were exactly the same as always. Nick had to fight the temptation to hook his ankle around Jeff's or reach for his hand.
Within ten minutes of their arrival, all of the staff that had been working at the restaurant when they were together had come by to greet them and ask about their relationship status, each one eyeing the ring on Jeff's finger with interest.
(It was, of course, the wrong ring, and a few of them squeezed Nick's shoulder upon finding that fact out.)
Once that parade was over, Jeff chuckled almost uncomfortably and said, "I've missed their lasagna."
"I've missed their tortellini," Nick said back, giving him a smile. He wished that he could find the words to address the problem between them, the ever lingering issue of I proposed and that's the last time I ever saw you. But he wasn't sure what the right thing to say was, or how to make it clear to Jeff that really, yeah, it hurt but it was okay. So instead he just commented on his favorite kind of filled pasta.
"Remember when you ordered the ravioli and yet you still got a tortellini on your plate?" Jeff asked, grinning widely.
Nick chuckled, nodding quickly. "God, yes, of course I remember that," he said. "I think it was a sign, to be honest. Me and tortellini, man, we're like family. I'll always find my way back to tortellini."
"I always did have the sneaking suspicion that you loved tortellini more than me," he replied with a wink.
Well.
"Of course I did," Nick replied with a laugh. "You aren't full of cheese and whatever."
Jeff raised his eyebrows at that, then glanced over to find the parmesan cheese on the table. He lifted the shaker and poured some into his hand and ate it. "Well, I am now."
"I'd hardly say you were full of cheese," he said.
"Getting pretty tired of your semantics, Duval," he replied with a roll of his eyes.
"I don't care. I want to see you bursting with cheese."
"That's just disgusting."
"That's just cheesy goodness."
"You've got no compassion whatsoever, do you? You would sacrifice my life just to watch me burst with cheesy goodness."
They went on like that until their food arrived, and the thing that struck Nick about it all was that it was so easy. It was as if nothing had happened between them and this was just a regular dinner for them, and, well, maybe it was.
After their food arrived, though, it started to get to be a bit more difficult.
For a while, they ate in silence, companionably glanced up at each other from their food. But then Jeff set down his fork and looked over at Nick, saying, "I didn't tell Adrian who I was going out with."
Nick took in a long breath and let it out slowly at that. "I didn't tell Bennett," he offered.
"Bennett wouldn't have wanted you to see me, would he?"
He shook his head. "And Adrian wouldn't have wanted you to see me either, right?"
"I don't know," he said. "He doesn't… He doesn't really know who you are. At all."
"At all?" Nick echoed in a bit of disbelief, raising his eyebrows. Almost all of the friends that Nick had made since they had broken up knew who Jeff was; how did you get to the point where you were willing to marry someone and they didn't know about your only other significant relationship? How did you get engaged to someone without them knowing that, hey, you almost got engaged once before?
"Uh… No," Jeff admitted, looking a bit sheepish.
Nick opened and closed his mouth a few times, looking for the right words to say, before just saying, "Okay." The fact that Jeff's fiancé knew nothing of his relationship with Nick was far more telling than Nick wished it was; Jeff had moved on, no longer felt the need or even desire to mention Nick.
The next thing that Nick did, he wasn't particularly proud of. He stood up and walked away from the table, just like Jeff had done three years ago, tears in both their eyes.
Unlike how he had handled that situation, he could hear Jeff standing up as well and following after him, saying, "Nick, no, stop, c'mon."
Nick didn't stop until he was outside, standing beside his car and desperately trying to unlock it because it had started not wanting to unlock itself when he hit the button and this was really not that time for that.
But of course, it seemed as though his Civic was in the mood to mess with him, because before he could get in, Jeff was beside him, grabbing his shoulder. "Nick, c'mon."
"No, Jeff, I get it," he said, shaking his head. "You've moved on, I'm clearly your weird ex who never did move on and this was a bad idea."
"That's not it at all," Jeff said quietly.
"Then what is it? You've never told the man you're going to marry about me, that's how little of an effect I had on you, clearly," he said. "And really, that's fine, message reciev—"
"Nick, please," he said, his voice soft and pleading in that way that Nick had rarely heard and never failed to make him bend to Jeff's will. "That's not… You can't think that that's the truth."
"I can't see any other reason," he replied, turning to face Jeff more and leaning against his car. "I mean, you have to admit it, an eight-year relationship is the sort of thing that is bound to come up. That's usually pretty important."
"It was important," Jeff said firmly.
"Not important enough to—"
He was cut off by Jeff grabbing his face in his hands and saying, "Do you want to know the reason why I've never talked to Adrian about you?"
Nick paused for a moment, hesitating, before nodding. "Yeah, I do," he said.
"Because no matter what, he'll never compare. Adrian Greer will never, ever be Nick Duval," he said.
"I don't know what that means," he said quietly.
Jeff frowned slightly, and Nick would later swear that he saw Jeff's eyes flicker down to his lips, though he had no proof of this. "What exactly would happen when I try to tell my fiancé about my ex and I start falling in love with you all over again?"
Nick furrowed his brow slightly, and he was about to reply before Jeff started again.
"What if I started to tell our story and I got to thinking about what a big mistake I made?"
"Why are you marrying him?"
Jeff stepped away from him then, shaking his head slowly as he took a few steps backwards. "I'll see you later, Nick."
And that was probably the least settling end to a conversation ever.
After that night, they didn't talk for four days. Which, really, shouldn't have felt like that long, being that they hadn't talked for years before that week. But still, it felt like an eternity, though less of an eternity than the time between their failed trip to Anthony's and the next time they met in person: two months.
Nick was fairly certain that it was some sort of taboo to help pick out the flowers for the wedding of your ex who you were still in love with, but Jeff asked and he clearly wasn't too bothered about the polite thing to do, especially not after how their last encounter ended.
So he walked into that same old flower shop, with that same ringing bell and that same threshold he'd crossed over what felt like a million times.
"Oh, good, you're here!" came Jeff's voice from the back room, and he quickly walked out with a bright smile on his face. He looked at the counter, where a mess of papers that Nick wasn't quite generous enough to call a stack was laying. "Um… here's my thoughts so far."
Nick looked down at the papers, seeing the various notes in Jeff's handwriting and printed-out lists of flowers' symbolic meanings.
Crocus—joyful! hard to find?
Freesia—innocence and friendship NO (This was crossed out.)
Roses—love, abundant… too cliché?
The Anemone reconciles the lovers, but it is also said to be a warning "You are too far to reach. Pay attention to me." REALLY REALLY NO (This one was crossed out a few times.)
The Dahlia – proud love, which does not accept any compromise.
Daisies are frequently sold and they combine perfectly with Roses, because they promise love that is ready to pass every test.
After a few minutes of silence during which Jeff was shifting from one foot to the other, clearly getting a bit antsy, Nick looked up from the papers to ask, "What kind of flower did you say that he got you after you first met?"
"Hyacinth," Jeff replied, then let out a soft sigh. "Blue hyacinth, which symbolizes sincerity. So I guess that could work, but, well, our wedding is going to be more red than anything else and I think that wouldn't really work out too well, you know? And hyacinth is a better gift than a wedding arrangement, if you ask me."
Nick couldn't help but smile at that. Jeff's enthusiasm about flowers was the sort of thing that he was sure he would never stop loving. It was so ridiculously, unapologetically Jeff.
"Alright, then, no hyacinth," Nick said, nodding. He turned away from the papers then, instead looking at the flowers that he out around them. Pointing to a burgundy flower, he raised an eyebrow and asked, "What about this?"
"Amaryllis," Jeff said, shaking his head quickly. "In Greek mythology, Amaryllis was a shepherdess in love with this real asshole shepherd, Alteo. Long story short, she stabbed herself and became a flower in order to gain his affection."
"Stabbed herself," Nick echoed. "And became a flower."
"Indeed," he affirmed with a nod, looking at the flower with a laugh. "Greek mythology. You don't really question it."
"Right. So, no amaryllis."
"No, not at all," Jeff agreed with a nod.
Nick continued to look around at the flowers in the room, his eyes landing on all the red ones in the room. "Roses definitely are too cliché," he said.
"Oh, yeah, that was the decision I'd come to, too," he said, sighing. "I'm pretty sure that this wedding is just doomed to have no flowers."
"You're being overdramatic," Nick said with a small smile, shaking his head.
"Overdramatic," he echoed, throwing his hands up. "I am being overdramatic. I'm a florist trying to pick out the flowers for my wedding, Duval, I'm allowed to be overdramatic about it." There was a grin on his face, and Nick could tell that it was all he could do to stop himself from laughing. "Never marry a florist, that isn't an existential crisis you want to have on your hands."
"I think that's exactly the existential crisis I want to have on my hands," he replied with a grin.
Jeff turned to look at him, and he could see that he was biting the insides of his cheeks to keep himself from smiling. "You really ought to quit that," he said, turning away to fiddle with a white carnation.
"I don't think it's even a conscious thing anymore," Nick said with a shrug. He walked back to the counter, pushing himself up to sit on it. "It's like an impulse. Like, you see a Frisbee coming at you and you try to duck. I hear an opening to remind you how much I love you, and I do it. I can't even control it."
"I wish you wouldn't," Jeff said softly. "It's making it hard for me."
It was moments like that were Nick did feel a bit guilty about the whole thing: Jeff's life was probably going really well before this whole thing started up, before Nick had come back into it. "I know," he said. "But it'd be even harder for me to just let you marry him and know that I didn't even try to win you back."
Jeff just shook his head slightly, looking at a daffodil and running his fingers over the petals. "And what if you don't win me back?" he asked. "What happens if I choose him?"
Nick stayed silent for a long moment, trying to consider his answer. This was, of course, something that he'd had to think about a lot: the possibility of losing Jeff forever. He'd been living that reality for the past few years, and though he thought he was handling it pretty well, some people (namely Bennett, among others) would say otherwise.
"If you choose him, I'll be upset. I'll cry and whine and get drunk and tell anyone who will listen that I hate you, even though I could never actually hate you. I'll be bitter and vulnerable and chances are you won't see me for a long time, if ever." He stopped, letting out a long breath and looking at Jeff with a sad smile. "But eventually? Eventually I'll be okay."
Jeff frowned deeply at Nick's words, running his fingers through his hair. "But… you'll find someone else, won't you?" he asked, biting his lip.
Nick let out a laugh that had no humor in it. "Who knows?"
"I don't like that answer," Jeff said quietly.
He leaned in towards Jeff, bumping their shoulders and giving him a smile. "Well, there's no guarantees in life, you know?" he said.
Jeff nodded, letting out a long sigh. He opened his mouth to speak, but Nick cut him off.
"You don't have to worry about me, okay?" he said. His voice was thick, like he didn't really want to say the words but he knew he needed to. "If you decide to marry Adrian and have a no doubt perfect marriage and two point eight kids with him, go ahead. I will be fine, given time. You don't have to feel responsible or guilty. We're adults, and you deserve to do what makes you feel best without what I want tying you down."
Jeff pulled Nick off of the counter then, pulling him into his arms and hugging him tightly. "Thank you," he murmured, kissing his temple before stepping backwards.
Nick smiled at him as he pulled away. "Daffodil?" he said.
"Ah, what?" he asked, looking to be a bit taken aback by what Nick had said.
"Daffodil," he repeated, gesturing to said flowers. "Red daffodils. You were playing with one earlier, and I think… I think that could work."
Jeff looked back at the daffodils, nodding slowly. "Red daffodils," he said with a small smile before returning his gaze to Nick. "It's an option."
"Yeah, I thought it was an idea, anyways," he said with a shrug.
He nodded, going over and scribbling something down on a piece of paper. "I've always liked your ideas," he commented, humming softly.
Nick nodded, smiling at him. "It's things like that, you know, that make me want to love you more and more," he said.
Jeff just shook his head slowly, turning away and disappearing into the other room for a moment. When he came back, there was a long stem covered in yellow flowers in his hand. "Gladiolus," he said with a smile, pressing it into Nick's hand. "Go home, put it in some water, would you?"
He would have felt a bit more upset about the fact that he'd just been dismissed if the way their fingers brushed hadn't left him feeling warm.
When his phone went off one night a few months later (about a week before the wedding) at half past two in the morning and he saw that it was Jeff calling, Nick felt fairly certain that it was just some sort of butt dial or something. In the past several months, they'd exchanged probably way more texts than they should have, but almost never did they call each other, especially not at odd hours of the morning.
Still, though, he answered, because he had never been able to reject a call from Jeff. "Hello?"
"Hey, sorry, did I wake you up?" Jeff's voice was quiet and a bit hard to make out, like he was trying not to be heard. Nick tried not to think about the possible implications of that.
"No, no, I was awake anyways," Nick lied easily, pushing himself to sit up in his bed. "What's up?"
"Can I come over?"
For a moment, Nick felt seventeen again, like it was the middle of the summer and they were so in love that some nights they just had to sneak out and see each other. Before he could even think about the fact that nearly a decade had passed and only one half of the pair was as in love as they'd been then, he answered, "Yeah, of course."
"Great. Thank you," Jeff said, and there was a static noise that Nick assumed meant that Jeff was moving. "I'll see you soon, okay?"
"Okay," Nick said, nodding even though he was well aware of the fact that Jeff couldn't see him. (This was, in fact, a habit that Jeff had called him out on and then promptly insisted that he never change. Well, he hadn't, apparently.)
Jeff hung up then, and Nick just sat in his bed during the time between when he hung up with Jeff and when he arrived, wondering why exactly he was coming over at two in the morning. And, possibly more importantly, if he was going to stay until morning and how Nick was going to explain that to Bennett.
Soon enough, he leapt out of bed at the sound of Jeff knocking at the door.
Almost as soon as the door was opened, he had Jeff's arms wrapped around him. "Bye," the blond mumbled into his shoulder.
"Ah… what?" Nick said, looking at Jeff with furrowed brows.
"When I hung up, I didn't say bye. That was rude. I'm saying it now," Jeff explained, turning his head and resting it on Nick's shoulder. "Can we go cuddle?"
It took Nick a moment to even process what had just happened and what was still going on. Part of him was convinced that he was actually still asleep and this was just a dream where he and Jeff were still blissfully in love. Which, really, he was willing to accept. "Okay," he said, stepping back slightly and taking Jeff's hand in his to walk back to his bedroom.
"Thanks," Jeff said, immediately sitting down on the bed when he went in.
"Hey, do you need to borrow—" Nick started before looking at Jeff's attire and seeing that he was already dressed in a wife beater and sweatpants, clearly ready for bed. So instead of finishing his sentence, he just climbed into bed.
Immediately, Jeff pulled at the blanket and wrapped it around the both of them, snuggling in close to Nick's body. He breathed out a content sigh before Nick spoke.
"I hate to look a gift horse in the mouth, but… Why are you here, anyways?"
"I don't want to talk about it." Jeff let out a long breath after he responded, frowning slightly. "I so should not be here," he added after a long moment.
"Yeah, you probably shouldn't be," Nick agreed even as he wrapped his arms around Jeff and pulled him in as close as he could get him.
Jeff shook his head slightly, closing his eyes. "I'm getting married," he said. "I really shouldn't do this. I shouldn't even be talking to you. You make my life so difficult."
Nick looked at him with a small frown. "I'm sorry," he said.
"No, don't be," he replied, shaking his head. "I just… I don't know. This is hard."
"I get it," he responded with a small nod. "I can't imagine how it would feel if I had, well, moved on and was getting married and you just showed up out of nowhere trying to win me back." He paused, a tiny smirk forming on his lips as he added as an afterthought, "Well, actually, it wouldn't be a question. I would've thrown myself back into your arms by now. But, well, you've always been smarter than me."
Jeff didn't say anything to that, just pressed in closer to Nick and nuzzled his face into his shoulder again. Nick thought that he heard him sniffle, but he wasn't sure.
"Go to sleep, Jeff," he murmured, daring to press a soft kiss to his temple and wrap his arms tightly around him.
"You too, duckers," Jeff replied, and Nick had to close his eyes to keep himself from crying at the use of the nickname he hadn't heard in three years.
Curled up with Jeff snug in his arms, he slept better than he had in probably years.
What Nick would have wanted the next morning, more than anything, was the ability to just lay in bed with Jeff and get up at their leisure.
Nick wanted to let his seemingly made-of-lead eyelids fall back shut, wanted to press his face into the curve of Jeff's neck so that he could kiss his skin and breathe him in. He wanted to commit this moment to memory, to cherish the feeling of holding the only man he'd ever love in his arms and not think about how said man was going to run down the aisle with someone else mere days from that moment.
But, of course, he got to do none of those things, because that was when Bennett decided to knock on his bedroom door.
Jeff was a light sleeper, and he always had been. Especially in situations that he wasn't supposed to be in, which this probably counted as. He sat up quickly, looking at Nick with wide eyes. His gaze then darted around the room urgently, as if he was looking for a way out of the room without being caught by Bennett.
Being that Nick was, well, still actually looking for a good way to explain Jeff's return to his life to his roommate (especially after spending months lying to Bennett about who he was texting and where he was disappearing to), he could share the sentiment. He was about to get up and tug Jeff into his closet when apparently Bennett gave up on him answering and just opened the door anyways.
Watching Bennett's face as he processed the scene in front of him would have been comical if Nick wasn't feeling a bit panicked.
"Of all the people," Bennett said, shaking his head slowly.
"Bennett," Nick started, wincing at the judging look his best friend was giving him.
"I'm going to leave the room now," he said, taking a step backwards. "And so are you two. We're going to discuss this in the living room." He gave them an intense look before stepping out of the room again.
Jeff leaned forward, pressing his forehead against Nick's shoulder. "Why do I feel like we're teenagers who just got caught by our parents?" he mumbled.
"Because we basically are," Nick replied with a sigh. "Bennett has basically decided that he's my legal guardian, I think."
"Well, that's charming," Jeff commented lightly as he slid himself off the bed and to his feet. He lifted his arms over his head, stretching out and yawning. His shirt came up a bit, and yes, he definitely still had the perfect body Nick remembered. "Suppose he'll forgive me for corrupting his child?"
Nick got to his feet with a sigh, shaking his head. "You corrupted me long before we ever met him," he pointed out. "And there were no corrupting activities last night."
"So what you're saying is that I'm totally golden," Jeff said with a laugh before turning around and heading for the door. He always was a bit too confident for his own good.
That confidence seemed to have disappeared entirely a few moments later, when they were sitting side by side on the couch with Bennett staring them down. Jeff looked like he would probably be cowering behind Nick if he didn't think that that would bother Bennett even more.
"I seriously feel like I just woke up in sophomore year of college and nobody told me," Bennett said, shaking his head slowly. "I mean, seriously. Except then you wouldn't have been hiding it."
"We weren't hiding it," Nick said with a small shrug. "I just… didn't mention it."
"Oh, yeah, I mean, I can totally see how that could slip your mind," he said. "Canoodling with an engaged guy, I mean, that's totally unremarkable."
"There's been no canoodling," Jeff pointed out.
"You were sleeping in the same bed."
Nick paused for just a second, trying to find a better way of saying what he was trying to get across, but instead just went for it. "You were on the other side of the wall, Bennett, and you've heard Jeff."
Bennett just shook his head quickly, lifting his hands up in front of his chest as if shielding himself.
"That's true," Jeff added brightly. "If Nick and I were doing something, I wouldn't even possibly have been quiet. You would have been able to hear me from a mile away."
"God, you guys need to shut up," Bennett mumbled, rubbing his hand over his face. "I'd forgotten what you guys are like together. And the answer is awful, you're awful."
Jeff chuckled and got to his feet. "Okay, well, as charming as this is, I should really go," he said. "Adrian wakes up at ten, and I should probably bring him coffee or something to explain my absence from the bed this morning…" He looked a bit sheepish about his reason for having to flee, but he left the room anyways.
Both Nick and Bennett said their goodbyes, and Bennett waited until the apartment door closed behind him before turning back to look at Nick. "So, what is happening there?"
Nick shrugged slightly. "He's getting married," he said. "I've been trying to win him back, but I don't think it's going to work out."
He looked a bit dubious about that statement, but replied, "So, basically he's stringing you along?"
"It's not like that," Nick said firmly. "We're still going to be friends again, regardless of what happens."
"Friends who sleep in the same bed and, by all appearances, seem to be just as crazy in love as they were at the height of their romantic relationship?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Again, not like that," he said, shaking his head. "You're reading too much into it."
"I don't think I am," Bennett said. He paused for a second before saying, "Please, tell me how it is that you went to bed alone and woke up with Jeff in your bed."
Nick shrugged, shaking his head slightly. "I don't know, really. He just… called, asking if he could come over. So I said yes, and he did. And we slept."
"That's it?"
"That's it."
"He totally wants you," Bennett said.
"That doesn't even make sense," he protested, shaking his head.
"He called you, after you were in bed. From what he said, he left his own bed with his fiancé to come sleep in yours with you. It's not like he was just lonely or something, no, he wanted your company. Not even your dick, apparently, just you," he explained. "He clearly still loves you."
"Remember a minute ago when I said you were reading too much into this?" he asked. "Well, you're doing it again."
Bennett just rolled his eyes, getting to his feet and turning to leave the room. "Just think about it. It's barely subtext. I'd tell you to be careful, tread lightly, all that, but… I really don't think you need to."
Nick did think about it. He thought about it a lot. But at the same time, he knew not to get his hopes up.
And that was a good thing, it turned out, because a few days later he found himself sitting in a church waiting for the wedding to start. It was okay, really. Nick had known better than to think that anything else would happen, and instead the only thing that was bothering him was the fact that, at least when they were together, Jeff had said that he wanted an outdoor wedding, and would never have a church wedding.
Well, that was the only thing that was bothering him until someone came and sat down next to him, much too close for his comfort. He turned and looked to see who it was, jumping slightly at his answer. "Henry Sterling," he said by way of greeting.
"That's me," the man said with a nod.
For a second, Nick felt a bit caught off guard by the sight of Jeff's uncle. He had known, of course, that he'd be there, and that he'd probably see him. But he hadn't really anticipated a real conversation with him.
(Which had been a bit of a sad thing for him to think about, because they had once been so close that Nick had felt like Henry was his uncle, too, and he was really a fun uncle, too.)
"I'm actually pretty surprised that you're here," Henry said with a small frown. "I mean, I'm mostly here to watch what happens when things go all sideways here."
Nick paused for a moment, furrowing his brow in confusion.
"Wait, Jeff hasn't talked to you?" he asked, raising an eyebrow slightly at him.
"Well, not today or anything," he replied with a shrug.
"That boy," he said, shaking his head slowly.
Nick just furrowed his brow at Henry, searching his face for an explanation. "Why do I think there's something going on here that I don't know about?"
Henry chuckled softly, grinning at him. "Because there is something going on here you don't know about, apparently," he said. "Jeff isn't here."
"He's not?" he asked.
"Nope, he's not," he replied, shaking his head. "I don't know where exactly he is, but he's not here."
"But he's supposed to be getting married in, like, twenty minutes."
Henry smiled at him fondly, shaking his head. He glanced around for a moment, as if suddenly realizing that someone might be listening to them, before saying quietly, "He chose you."
At that, Nick made a kind of choking noise that he wasn't particularly proud of. "He what?"
"He chose you," he repeated. "And I'd assumed he told you, but I guess he decided to leave that to me."
There was a long moment of silence between them before Nick said, "I can't feel my face."
Henry chuckled softly, shaking his head slightly and reaching over to nudge Nick. "Go, get your boy."
Nick ran his fingers through his hair, laughing. "And you're just going to stick around and watch this train wreck happen," he said. "You're terrible."
"Not terrible," he said. "I mean, someone has to deal with this situation."
"Right, right, and you'll be the one dealing with it. Sounds good," he said. He got to his feet slowly, asking, "Any idea where I'll find him?"
"Not sure," he replied with a small shrug. "Said he'd be somewhere important to you?"
"That's not terribly helpful," he said with a small sigh. "But, well, that's Jeff for you, isn't it?"
Henry nodded, rolling his eyes. "It really is," he said. "That boy loves riddles too much."
Nick nodded, leaning over and giving Henry a quick hug before leaving to go and try to find Jeff.
The task of finding Jeff turned out to be, luckily, a lot easier than he had first thought it would be.
The thing was, of course, that they had lived in Chicago for years, so there were plenty of places that held significance to them and their relationship. Restaurants they frequented, the Starbucks that they'd discovered was an equal distance from their respective workplaces, the flower shop, the park where they'd gotten stuck in the rain… He could've left Chicago, for all Nick knew.
He tried to think about it logically, though. It was probably something more important, or something significant to this event in particular. Jeff no longer had access to the rooftop where the topic of marriage had first come up, so that probably wasn't it. Their last trip to Anthony's had gone bad, so that wouldn't be it either. He probably had stayed within the city, in order to make this more convenient and easy for Nick to figure it out.
After a false start where he went into the flower shop only to find it completely empty, and then at the diner where they had eaten on their first night in town, he finally struck gold: their old apartment. The apartment Nick had moved out of after realizing that Jeff had no intention of returning to.
Nick walked up the stairs to get to the hallway that held what was once their home, all of the air seeming to rush out of his lungs as he saw Jeff sitting on the floor outside the door.
"Did you know," Jeff said, turning his head to look at Nick as he walked up, "that no one is living here? Seriously, our apartment is empty right now."
Nick raised his eyebrows slightly at that, moving to sit down beside Jeff. "You're still wearing your tuxedo," he pointed out. "You couldn't have, well, changed?"
"Of course I changed," he replied with a grin. "I changed into this, for this occasion."
He just stared at him for a moment before shaking his head slowly. "You're ridiculous," he said, his tone fond.
"You love me," Jeff said, humming.
"Yeah, I do," he said with a nod.
"And I," he said, leaning in towards Nick, "love you." He brought their lips together, and Nick was fairly certain that he had never felt anything so amazing in his life. Except that, of course, that was not true; Jeff's kisses were always a delicacy that blew him away. But, he figured, it was like drinking water after being in a desert; going without something good would always make that thing better.
"I love you so much," Jeff repeated against his lips, wrapping his arms around Nick and pulling him in close to him.
"I love you too," Nick murmured, pulling back just slightly before leaning in again, pressing their foreheads together.
"I can't live without you," Jeff said. "I was wrong, when I said that I could. I totally couldn't."
"You don't have to," he replied, moving his hand up to run his fingers through Jeff's hair slowly.
He leaned into the touch, smiling at him. He didn't say anything for a moment, just looking at Nick and rubbing his hands over his sides.
"I have probably a million questions for you," Nick informed him softly.
"And I'll gladly answer all of them. Though, first things first," he said, pulling back a bit and reaching into his coat pocket. "I have a gift for you."
Nick raised an eyebrow slightly at him, watching him pull a tiny black bag out of his pocket. When it was offered to him, he took it, and pulled out from inside a necklace. It was simple, just a small purple and white flower hanging from a silver chain, and he spent a moment just looking at it as if doing so would reveal its secrets.
"It's an anemone," Jeff explained softly.
"Can't say I'm familiar," he said, though the name did sound familiar to him. He undid the clasp on the necklace, then handed it back to him and leaned forward so that he could put it on him.
"They've got quite a few meanings," he said as he put the necklace on Nick. "Which, really, most flowers do. But anyways, I did a bit of looking into the anemone.
"Various sites told me different things. Anemone flowers are said to bring luck and protect against evil. Fairies slept under their petals after they slept at night. They mean anticipation, they mean unfading love." He paused for a second there to give Nick a smile. "Giving someone an anemone flower means that you will always love them."
It was then that Nick remembered where he had seen the name before: on the list, in Jeff's flower shop. Reconciles the lovers, but is also said to be a warning: "You are too far to reach. Pay attention to me." The words had been crossed out several times in black pen, he remembered.
"I love it," he said, lifting his hand up to his chest, touching where the little pendant rested.
"I'm glad," Jeff said, leaning into Nick's side.
He paused for a moment before asking, "How long ago did you get this?"
"Right after we met up to pick out my flowers," he said with a small laugh.
"So, wait, did you know, even then, that this was going to be your choice?" he asked, a tiny frown forming on his lips.
"No, I don't think so," Jeff replied, shaking his head. "Or, well, I think that depends. I mean, if we're being honest… You were probably always going to be my choice. That's just… the way it is. Who you and I are. Like those stars that orbit each other, you know?"
Nick nodded, smiling at him.
"But," he went on, "I only really consciously realized it for sure, like, a week ago."
"A week ago," Nick echoed, nodding slowly. "When you slept over?"
Jeff nodded, letting out a soft laugh. "Yeah, that'd be it," he said, pulling himself in closer to Nick so that he was practically siting on his lap. "I just… I was sitting there, in that same bed I've been sleeping in with no problems all this time, and suddenly I couldn't do it. He wasn't you, ducky, he just wasn't."
"You said that before," Nick pointed out quietly. "Something about how nobody else would ever be me."
"Because it's true," Jeff said with a small nod. "Marrying Adrian… It felt like the right choice. It felt like that was the right thing to do because I'm an adult now and he's a strong, steady guy and who marries their high school sweetheart, anyways?" He paused, letting out a long breath. "But that… That wasn't right. It wasn't right at all, even though I convinced myself that it was. I said no to you because I thought that I could live without you, yet I didn't do the same to Adrian."
Nick just nodded slowly, holding Jeff close to him and relishing in the feeling of having him in his arms and knowing that he was staying there. He stayed silent, knowing Jeff well enough to be aware of the fact that sometimes he just needed to talk.
"Funny thing is, I ended up saying no to Adrian because I couldn't live without you," he said, shaking his head slowly.
That thought gave Nick pause. "Did you ever tell him about me?" he asked.
Jeff breathed out a long sigh, a tiny frown forming on his lips. "Yes," he said. He bit his lip for a second before continuing, "After the night I spent at your apartment, I realized two things. One being that you're the only thing that really feels like home, and the other was that I needed to come clean to him. He knew nothing of you, and that… That just wasn't fair. So I went home, fully intending to tell him everything, to call off the wedding right then and there, but… I did it halfway. I told him about us, all eight years and everything before that and after, including the past few months. But I didn't tell him I wasn't going to marry him."
"Wait, is he still expecting to get married today?" Nick asked, raising his eyebrows. Until today, he hadn't felt much pity for the other man, although some part of him knew that he should; behind his fiancé's back, Jeff was going on what was essentially a date, and sneaking into the bed of another man.
"I wrote him a note," Jeff said quietly. "Before you say anything, I know it's not the best way, and I know that I'm going to have to deal with it more soon, actually talk to him and all that, but… There you have it."
"I should feel worse about that than I do," he said softly.
Jeff didn't say anything, just tightened his arms around him. The thought occurred to Nick that they would probably make an interesting sight: two men in formal wear, obviously dressed for some occasion, curled up in each other as if their lives depended on it, on the ground outside an apartment they hadn't lived in for years now.
"What are we now?" Nick asked quietly.
"I don't know," Jeff said. "Soul mates. Once and future lovers. I've never been too picky about our titles."
"Other people might be," he said. "Hell, I might be."
"We're going to get married, sooner or later," he replied.
"Oh, are we?" Nick asked with a small grin.
"Yeah, we are," he said. "You're the love of my life, and I'm not about to let you slip away again. And besides, I still have the ring you gave me. I could declare myself your fiancé at any time if I wanted to."
"I'm pretty sure that's not how it works," he said with a soft laugh.
"No, no," he said. "I could totally do that, and you wouldn't fight me on it."
"I would," Nick said, shaking his head. "Because, well, I want a good proposal story. One where, you know, you say yes."
"Yes."
"I didn't ask," he pointed out.
"I don't care," Jeff said with a small shrug. "I'm going to spend the rest of my life with you, and I know that for a fact. I don't say that lightly, either. I never said that to Adrian, even though, well, I was supposed to be marrying him right now. I'm going to spend forever with you, and nothing else really matters to me. The proposal, the wedding, the whatever else, it's all formalities. You're the important thing."
That was the thing about Jeff. He always knew the exact right thing to say in any given moment.
"So, yeah, if you ask me, we've been engaged our whole lives, and we just didn't know it," he said. "And eventually, I'll be Jeff Duval-Sterling, and—"
"Sterling-Duval," Nick corrected.
"It sounds better the other way," he said. "But that's not the point. The point is, it doesn't matter what my name is as long as I'm sharing it with you."
"Duval-Sterling sounds dumb," Nick said, leaning in to kiss Jeff. Sometimes, he decided, he didn't need words. He didn't need to say the sweet words that felt good in his mouth, he just needed to get that feeling across and he was pretty sure that he might cry right now if he tried to talk too much about how he felt about Jeff.
After a bit of slow kissing infused with as much pure intensity of feeling as Nick could manage, he whispered against Jeff's lips, "Do you still know how to pick locks?"
"Of course I do," Jeff replied, looking the tiniest bit bewildered.
"Open that door," he said, gesturing with his head toward their old apartment door.
Jeff nodded and moved to go do so. Within a few minutes, they were in their old living room, looking around at the skeleton of what they had once called home.
"We should move back in here," Jeff commented.
"Yeah, we should," Nick agreed with a small nod. He glanced toward the front door, making sure that they had locked it behind them, before saying, "Do you remember the first night we spent in this apartment?"
"Of course I do," Jeff said with a small grin. "There was no furniture in here. It was all still at our old apartment."
Nick nodded, stepping in closer to Jeff to sweep him up into his arms and carry him bridal style. "And I carried you in like this," he said.
"And you laid me down on the floor right there," Jeff continued, gesturing at what had later been about where their coffee table sat and grinning as Nick lowered him down to the ground there.
"And we both know what happened after that," Nick said with a wink.
They leaned into each other again, kissing slowly and leisurely stripping each other of their clothes, layer by layer. Their hands moved over skin that was still so perfectly familiar after all this time, yet still felt new underneath their hands.
Unlike the first night that they had come to stay here, this time the sex was slow, tender. They were no longer boys high on the fact that they could finally afford something bigger than a shoebox, no, now they were men who had nearly lost each other (but at the same time, deep down, knew that they would never move on from each other completely) and needed to remap every inch of skin as if they'd forgotten it. Even though they were technically illegally trespassing, they paid no mind to that fact and felt no need to rush. There were more important things than the law, they figured, like breathing "I love you" into each other's skin so deeply that it might become etched in their bones or marked on their skin.
Jeff made Nick ridiculously poetic, and god, he loved it.
After, Jeff laid on top of Nick, his index finger trailing over his arm then shoulder then neck then jaw. "We should probably go see about getting this apartment again," he mumbled.
"Later," Nick mumbled, lifting his arms up to wrap around Jeff's waist and hold him tightly.
Jeff chuckled softly, bumping their noses together. "Relax, you," he said. "I'm not going anywhere."
Nick couldn't help himself but to grin at him. "I know you're not," he said. "I won't let you."
"Good. You're not allowed to make that mistake twice," he replied, kissing the skin over Nick's heart before laying his head down on his chest.
And finally, finally, he was home.