It may seem like Julian was making a rash decision, but he really had thought this one through. It wasn't that he was under any delusion that this would not ruin his reputation, his career, his life. But he was going to lose that anyway. There was no way he would continue to go on living after he'd left school. People in general treated him well. They kept their distance when they needed to, but he had his share of friends. The problem with friends, at least in Julian's case, is that they don't matter as much as you think they should. That is, they don't always stand the test of time because something always gets in the way. For Julian, this thing was the same thing that got in the way of everything. His thought processes, his sleeping patterns, his dreams, his moods- they were all subject to one variable: Logan Wright. And the problem was, as much as he hated having to depend upon Logan for all these things, he didn't know who he was otherwise.
So, when Logan had told him of his plans to take that internship in New York since, after all, Julian would be back in LA before he knew it and Derek was going to college and therefore there was no use in him sticking around after all. Julian had nodded along, and smiled because he knew that he couldn't place blame. Logan, being the ignoramus that he was, had no reason to stick around for him. How was he to know that Julian didn't know how to exist without him? Julian didn't want his career anymore. He didn't want his stupid fake friends, he didn't want his money, he didn't want anything except for the one thing he wasn't allowed to have.
The hall was a sea of graduation gowns, which happened to make everyone appear particularly tasteless in comparison with the Dalton uniform- but he supposed that was the point. There was probably meant to be some sense of achievement gathering in the pit of his stomach amongst the sadness and longing and fear but there wasn't, he didn't see the point in graduating high school any more than he saw the point in anything else. It hadn't been hard for him to book the stage for a few minutes, his teachers admired him. They thought he'd make some intelligent speech about success, or what it meant to be a good person. He didn't know anything about those things. He didn't have room for any more information in his head, which was filled with detailed description of the way Logan pushed his hair out of his eyes, or the way his jaw flexed when he was agitated and his voice would go a little deeper in the mornings. It was pointless to anyone but him.
No one has ever mentioned to you how awkward it is to play guitar in a graduation robe; it's probably something that you have to experience firsthand. As he stepped up to the microphone, Julian thought that he should feel more nervous than he did. As it was, he just felt relieved. He could finally stop living a lie. He could have pretended that this song didn't mean anything, that he just fancied himself as bit of a pretty boy singer, but that wasn't the point.
"This is for my best friend, Logan Wright." He ignored Logan's face as he started to sing, he didn't want to see what the boy was thinking.
I shouldn't love you, but I want to I shouldn't love you, but I want to And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not
I just can't turn away.
I shouldn't see you but I can't move
I can't look away.
I just can't turn away.
I shouldn't see you, but I can't move
I can't look away.
'Cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop
He finally made eye contact with the blond in the front row, who was looking at him like he'd just grown an extra head.
Just so you know It's getting hard to be around you And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not,
This feeling's taking control of me,
And I can't help it.
I won't sit around, I can't let him win now.
Thought you should know
I've tried my best to let go of you
But I don't want to,
I just gotta say it all
Before I go.
Just so you know.
There's so much I can't say.
Do you want me to hide the feelings
And look the other way?
'Cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop.
He carried on singing as Logan looked into his eyes, his face completely unmoving as he stared straight back. He looked as though he'd been frozen, completely stunned. Well, Julian supposed, that was better than appalled, better than disgusted. Confounded was a better result than he could have hoped for.
This emptiness is killing me
And I'm wondering why I've waited so long.
Looking back I realize
It was always there just never spoken
I'm waiting here...been waiting here
He didn't get any further, he saw Logan slip out the back door of the hall and he stopped, looking at the silent, shocked faces of his fellow students. He didn't care that they were all looking at him in bewilderment, or that they were whispering to each other behind their hands. He only had one destination.
With tears in his eyes, Julian ran round to the back entrance, trying to catch up with the blond although his legs seemed to want to disobey him. His muscles were weakening by the time he was close enough to grab Logan by the shoulder, whose own eyes contained tears which Julian assumed must be from anger. A sick part of him liked it when he was the object of Logan's rage; at least it was some form of attention. Logan opened his mouth.
"Did you mean-?"
"Yes."
"After all this-?"
"Yes."
Logan secured a hand on the back of his neck, making his whole body tense in a way it never had before. He put his face up close enough that Julian could hear him breathing.
"Can I?
"Yes."
Logan's lips felt different that Julian had anticipated- better, of course, he liked to exceed expectations. He felt a hand on his back, pulling his body closer and felt an almost overwhelming rush of something like joy and arousal and (he may as well say it) love spreading through him in a way that made his heart beat faster and the blood pump harder. He wasn't sure how much time had passed when Logan pulled away from him- and he realised he was gagging for oxygen. Logan pulled him back into an embrace with strong hands and flashed a smile, something like accomplishment twinkling in his eye.
"Idiot, you should have just said something." He whispered in Julian's ear, making him shudder.
"I'm sorry..." Julian began,
"Don't be."
"I couldn't keep it anymore I-"
"I know."
"Logan, I -"
"I know."
"I-"
"I love you too."