》SHUT UP, WESLEY!《

Episode 1x01
Published: 17 December 2014
Stardate unknown (2360s)

A/N: This is my first attempt at a satirical fanfic. If you've read my other stories, you know I love Star Trek, and this is by no means mocking it. Some episodes in this series will also feature historic figures, both ancient and recent, which does not violate the content guidelines (i.e. stories with non-historical and non-fictional characters, is a violation). Remember, this story is meant strictly as a comedy, and it should not be taken too seriously. Also, I'd like to thank Cerenbus_Snape_Malfoy for pitching the original idea for this series.

It was the beginning of a new day on the USS Enterprise-D. Hardly different from any that had already passed, it seemed quite an ordinary day indeed. Captain Jean-Luc Picard was taking a shower in his quarters, singing while he scrubbed.

"Trolololololololo hohohohoho!" he sang joyously, reaching for his bar of soap.

This day was going to be a good day, he could feel it. The soap slipped from his grasp, falling to the floor of his shower.

"You bastard!" he muttered under his breath.

He peeked out of his shower suspiciously before bending down to grab the soap. He then leaned forward, but stood up suddenly, hearing something behind him.

"Mr. Data! What are you doing here?" he asked, surprised, quickly grabbing a towel.

"I am sorry, captain. I heard a most curious noise coming from the room, so I decided to investigate," Lt. Commander Data replied.

"What kind of noise?" Picard asked, turning the shower spigot off.

"Trolololololololo hohohohoho!" Data recited, having heard Picard singing.

"Oh...I was...just...singing, Mr. Data."

"Singing, sir? I would hardly classify that as singing, sir. It more closely resembled..."

"Yes, yes, enough, Data. How did you get in here? I locked the door."

Data shook his head. "No, sir. It was not locked. Otherwise, I would not have intruded."

Picard frowned. "Beverly. She likely stopped by while I was showering. The bitch can't even lock a door behind herself..."

"Perhaps you should refrain from giving 'the bitch' your personal access codes, sir."

"Indeed." Picard stepped out of the shower, towel wrapped around his waist. "Mr. Data, do you mind?"

"Not at all, sir." Data stepped out of Picard's way, but still remained in the room.

"Data, that was a nice way of saying 'get the fuck out of my quarters'!" Picard said impatiently.

"Oh, of course, sir. Sorry." The android then exited the room.

Picard sighed and muttered to himself some kind of insult toward androids.

Commander William Riker then hailed Picard from the bridge. "Captain! Captain, come in!"

"Damn it." Picard mumbled. "What the hell do you want, bit—er...commander?"

"I have some bad news, sir. The Federation has banned the use of marijuana on board all starships, because of some new bogus health law..."

"Hah!" Picard scoffed. "Good one, Riker. You'll have to try harder than that to ruin my day."

"Ahem..." Riker continued. "And...Wesley's back."

Picard's eyes grew wide, and he dropped his toothbrush. "God help us all."

This day wasn't going to be good after all.

Picard and Riker entered the transporter room, phasers on their hips.

"If you'd like, sir, I can have a security team here before the little devil comes aboard," Chief Miles O'Brien said as they walked in.

"It's alright chief, we'll be fine," Picard assured him.

O'Brien initiated the transporter, and Wesley materialized seconds later.

"Ah, welcome back, Wesley. It's so...good...to see you," Picard managed, hand resting on his phaser.

Wesley flipped his hair gaily before speaking. He then pulled out a comb and began brushing his hair.

"Good God," Riker muttered under his breath.

Finally satisfied with his appearance, Wesley looked toward them. "About that, captain...I've thought a lot about my time on the Enterprise before going to the Academy. As much as I tried to think about the good times I had, I couldn't help but remember that day on the bridge when you told me to shut up."

Riker and O'Brien chuckled at that memory.

"Oh...of course, how could I forget? It was the best—I mean—worst day of my life. I sincerely apologize for that my boy."

"Fuck you, old man. I don't want your apology. You think I came here to see you on your knees begging for forgiveness? Hardly, though it would be amusing. What I've really come back for is Deanna and her luscious boobs! She and I had some great times together. I never should have left her," Wesley said, suddenly lost in thought.

"What?!" Riker shouted furiously. "You little bitch! Nobody fucks Deanna but me!"

"Oh my God, Riker, please. You'll never get a piece of that ass, and you and I both know it," Picard retorted, shaking his head.

"Uh, sir..." Chief O'Brien spoke up. "Maybe you should continue this elsewhere?"

"What's wrong, O'Brien, trying to stay celibate? You know you want her," Wesley said.

"I'm...saving myself for someone else."

"Aww, how sweet. The forty-year-old virgin is gonna wait another forty years to get laid!" Wesley jeered.

"I am not forty...yet! And if you really must know, her name is Keiko."

"Come, Wesley. I think you've done enough damage here," Picard said, ushering him out.

They then proceeded toward a turbolift.

...

The group entered the bridge, Wesley strutting out in front.

"Oh my god! It's Wesley!" a crewman said in a loud whisper.

Wesley grinned. "Yes, it is I, the great Wesley Crusher! The brilliant, the magnificent, the..."

"The man whore," Worf finished.

"Good one, Mr. Worf," Picard laughed.

"Hey, Wesley. I've really missed you. I've even had dreams about your return," La forge said. "Maybe we can have a little fun later in my quarters?"

Picard cringed at that mental picture. "Dear Lord, La Forge, how long have you been gay, and why have I not been informed?"

"Oh, I'm not gay, captain...Wesley's just special..."

"He has a vagina?" Riker inquired.

Picard facepalmed. "Thank you for that, Number One...ahem...if you'll excuse me, I'll be in my ready room trying to remove that image from my head."

Welsey smirked. "You're just jealous of my amazingness, Jean-Luc. It's obvious that I've always been the smartest son of a bitch this universe has ever produced."

"You are an idiot, Wesley, and do not refer to me by my first name. It is above you," Picard retorted.

"Wesley, you are without a doubt the dumbest piece of shit this galaxy has ever produced," Worf chimed in.

"Hah! Ha ha hah ha ha ha he hah hah ha! Mr. Worf, how do you think up such splendidly amazing comebacks?"

"From Kahless, sir. He speaks to me in my dreams."

"You mean he rapes you in your dreams..." Wesley muttered.

"Funny. A similar thing happens to me. I dream that President Obama speaks to me," Picard replied, ignoring Wesley.

"Obama, sir?" Riker questioned. "Why not someone more French, like Napoleon?"

"Oh, he speaks to me in my daydreams."

Wesley held his hand to his face, trying to refrain from laughing. "That has got to be the most retarded thing I've ever heard."

"You would know, Wesley," Picard mocked. "Now, if only Mr. Obama were here now...maybe he'd know what to do with this menace."

Suddenly, Barack Obama appeared in front of them.

"Speak of the dev—uh, I, uh...mean...the messiah, and, uh...he shall...appear," Obama said.

"Holy shit, it's President Obama!" Picard exclaimed. "Holy fucking shit, how can this be?"

Data scanned Obama with his tricorder. "Unknown captain. Most fascinating, though."

"I, uh...was sent, uh...to the future...to, uh...find more jobless people to put on, uh...welfare..."

"Hmm...I don't think we have any more of those left," Picard replied. "Mr. Data?"

"No, sir. The jobless man is all but extinct in 24th century Earth."

"Well, uh...do you have any, uh...businesses that need bailing out?"

"Holy shit, you emphasize worse than Captain Kirk did..." Wesley remarked.

"Now, now, is that any way to talk to your President?" Picard asked, patting Wesley on the head.

"He's not my President. I am a free man, unbound by the chains of government. So free like a bird to roam the vast wilderness of the universe..."

"SHUT UP WESLEY!" Riker shouted. "Good God, don't you ever stop talking?"

"Fuck you, Riker. Fuck you in the ass with no lube. Geez, you really know how to kill a good moment don't you?"

"Now, lets not...get out of, uh...control. We need, uh...peace and justice to...prevail..." Obama said, gesturing with his hands.

"My thoughts exactly Mr. President," Picard agreed. "Peace is, after all, the founding principal of the Federation."

"Well thank you, uh...captain...I, uh...don't have a Nobel, uh...Peace Prize for nothing."

"Principle, sir," Data corrected.

"What?" Picard asked, confused.

"The correct spelling in that case would be principle, not principal, sir."

"How in the hell could you tell how I 'spelled' it?"

"Hmm...perhaps it was a mistake in the dialog. The writer of this episode may have mistakenly written pal instead of ple."

"Yes, of course," Picard conceded, an obfuscated look on his face.

"Ahem...speaking of Federation principles, I hid the weed in a safe place, sir," Riker whispered to him.

"Very good, Number One," Picard responded. "Now, to more pressing matters. Who wishes to take in this poor, ravaged, prepubescent, homeless boy, also known as Wesley Crusher?"

"I will, uh...take him in..." Obama volunteered. "I have always, uh...wanted a son."

"Fuck off, honky!" Wesley exclaimed. "I'm nobody's property!"

Everyone gasped.

"I'll take him, captain," La Forge offered.

Picard nodded. "Very well, after he is severely punished for that racist remark, you may have him, La Forge."

"Aww...come on, this is the 24th century. Racism doesn't exist anymore. Plus, he is only half black..." Wesley complained.

"I do not think that means what you think it means. The term 'honky' is a slur against white people," Data explained.

Wesley looked around at all of the scowling faces. "I-I...oh...oops..."

"Besides, you're still a bastard child, and you insulted my idol, so you will be punished...severely," Picard said. "Mr. La Forge, get him off my bridge."

"Aye, aye, sir," La Forge said gleefully.

...

After being subjected to Klingon opera for ten hours, Wesley was finally released into La Forge's custody.

"Alright Wesley, bend over," La Forge told him, promptly after entering his quarters.

"Sure...I'll do anything you want...just please don't make me listen to anymore of that God-awful Klingon wailing..."

"Be glad the captain didn't make you listen to Justin Bieber."

Wesley cupped his hands over his mouth, attempting to keep from vomiting. "The one male in this universe gayer than me...please, no..."

"Oh...I just remembered...I'm out of condoms," La Forge recalled. "Oh well. If you get pregnant, you can ask your mom to give you an abortion."

"Look, just because I like men doesn't mean I'm a girl..."

"Then why do you have girl boobs?"

"A...birth defect?"

"Doesn't matter to me. Now, hurry up and get your panties off. I've gotta be back on duty in an hour."

President Obama joined the senior staff in the conference lounge for an important meeting.

"Alright, according to Admiral Nechayev, we have two options for our next mission," Riker explained. "First, we could patrol the neutral zone for Gorn ships..."

"I'm always game for putting down some rapists," Worf interrupted.

"Rapists?" Obama questioned.

"Yes, Mr. President. The Gorn are known for violently raping their prisoners. They use some very...unique methods."

Riker began speaking again. "Ahem...now, the second option is to explore an uncharted system in the..."

"Blah, blah, blah..." Picard interjected. "Enough rambling, Riker. Just pick one."

"Sir, if I may..." Deanna Troi began.

Picard cleared his throat loudly. "Perhaps the President would like to choose?"

Troi frowned.

"Oh, uh...of course. I would...love to." Obama pondered for a moment. "Rape is, uh...bad...but, uh...there could be people in that, uh...uncharted system...who, uh...have money."

Worf nodded. "I like how he thinks."

"Very well, it's settled. Number One, set course for the uncharted system while I go take a number two," Picard said, rushing out of the room suddenly.

The rest of the group stood and exited the room.

...

The Enterprise continued toward the uncharted system.

"You know, Mr. President, you would make a fine addition to my crew," Picard said to Obama, who sat next to him on the bridge.

"I'll take that under, uh...consideration, Jean-Luc," Obama responded hopefully.

"We're entering the system, captain," the helmsman spoke up.

"Drop us to impulse, Ensign Nobody," Picard replied.

"I have a name, sir," she rebutted.

"Crewman! Do not address the captain unless spoken to!" Worf exclaimed.

"You're both acting like tyrants..." she began.

Picard scowled. "Mr. Worf, get her off my bridge."

"Gladly, sir."

Worf promptly removed the ensign from the bridge.

"Ahem, now that that's over with...Mr. Data, scan the area for anything unusual," Picard said.

"Aye, sir. Scanning..."

Suddenly, a Borg cube appeared in front of the Enterprise.

"We are the Borg. Lower your pants and surrender your virginities. We will add your sexual distinctiveness to our own. Resistance is futile," the Borg replied hostilely.

"I, uh...don't think I like it here anymore," Obama said. "Sex seems to be, uh...the preoccupation of this, uh...century."

"But Mr. President, the 21st century was full of sexuality," Picard stated. "Besides, you were going to join my crew..."

"That may be so...but, uh...I'm just not meant to, uh...live in this century."

With that, Obama transported himself back to the 21st century.

"Damn him! Damn him to hell!" Picard cursed. He turned to Worf. "Mr. Worf, blow these motherfuckers to oblivion!"

"Aye, sir," Worf smiled.

Worf activated the phasers and photon torpedoes, firing a barrage at the Borg. The Borg countered with a volley of their own.

"Shields are down, sir!" Worf yelled.

Riker opened the ship's comm. "All hands, prepare for...penetration!"

Picard winced. "My butthole's not ready for penetration."

Out of nowhere, Q appeared in front of them.

"Q?" Picard puzzled. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"To be honest? I was hoping you could teach that 'President' of yours a thing or two...but it turns out you are a die-hard fan of him." Q sighed. "You disappoint me, Jean-Luc."

"A fan? Yes, very much so...until he broke my heart."

Q rolled his eyes. "That was my doing. I brought him here initially, and I took him away when the situation began to escalate."

"What did you think we could teach him?" Riker inquired.

"Oh, the usual...ethics, honesty, intestinal fortitude..."

A moment of awkward staring ensued, followed by laughter from many of the bridge officers.

"Did I say something funny?" Q imposed.

"He actually thought we would...teach him...morals?" Picard belted out, hands on his waist in laughter.

"Either we're all high, or Q is an idiot, sir," Riker added.

"And you're an insolent cur, Riker," Q countered.

La Forge entered the bridge, followed by Wesley.

"Ah, Mr. La Forge, have you fixed my ship yet?" Picard inquired.

"Repairs are underway, captain," La Forge responded.

"My God, Q, is it really you?" Wesley gasped in awe.

"Oh, no, no, no. You've gone too far now, Picard. Bringing this lump of flotsam back onto your ship? I thought you'd rid yourself of this disgrace!" Q said, stomping his foot.

"What's wrong Q, you don't like Wesley Crusher?" La Forge responded, grinning. "He sure seems to be taken with you."

"T-taken...with me? That's preposterous, not to mention vile..."

"I'd give you a blowjob any day...master," Wesley said seductively.

"Don't call me master. I am not your master!"

Picard stood, a smile forming on his face. "It would seem that Q does not share your affection, Wesley. Perhaps you should leave, Q."

"Perhaps I should. Mark my words, Picard. As long as that man—that boy—is on your ship, don't expect any help from me."

Q then disappeared just as he came, the Borg ship with him.

Picard turned to Wesley. "Well, perhaps you're not a total loss after all, Wesley."

Wesley smiled sarcastically. "Whatever, bitch. Someday, I'll be running this shit, and you'll take orders from me. Ah, I can just see it now..."

"Mr. Worf," Picard said, indicating for Worf to remove Wesley from the bridge.

"With pleasure, sir."

Worf grabbed Wesley's arm, tugging him toward the turbolift.

Wesley struggled. "Hey! You'll pay for this! You'll all pay! Well, except for Geordi..."

The turbolift door closed.

Picard sighed with relief. "Helm, take us to the nearest starbase, so we can dispose of that...thing."

"Something for your head, sir," Riker said, handing Picard a joint.

"Ah, thank you, Number One." Picard lit it up and took a puff. "Engage!"

The Enterprise left the system.

A/N: Again, this is meant strictly as a satire, and (most especially) the jokes made at the President's expense are only meant in a comedic manner, and are not personal attacks. I hope you enjoyed the first episode, and let me know if you want to see more of Sexy Trek. Please review!