Harry and Voldemort were having the most intense argument in the forest after the first round of the battle of Hogwarts trying to decide who was the more badass wizard.
"Potter, you look like hell."
"Yah I know, I just got back. I'm bad ass like that."
"I'm the most badass wizard ever. I am THE dark lord."
"Ever since I was born, I was bad ass. Even the great Tony Montana, the orginal badass saw it in me."
"Tony Montana, that's not even the right continent you bloody pillock. How could he have been there? The time frame is all wrong anyway!"
"Don't question greatness you mortal! It was like genetic engineering or manifest destiny. I don't know, I didn't pay attention in physics. Any way I was a normal baby for 15 months then your wickedness stole my mama. Mr. Montana saw my awesomeness and took me in, suckled me on the sweet milk of gluttony and awesome."
"Ew, sounds kind of nasty."
"Shut up, what do you have to prove your claim. 11 years of being a ghost isn't all that inspiring."
"Not for lack of trying, I attempted to sell my soul to a few demons, didn't have enough left, they weren't exactly happy. It embodied for a while so I could polish it's collection of skulls as punishment for wasting it's time, there were millions I tell you, I didn't even get a lunch break."
"Now that's cruel and unusual punishment."
"I know right, but when life gives you lemons squeeze them in peoples eyes right."
"I guess still doesn't prove anything though."
"When I was in preschool there was this really weird system of time out. Where they'd put you in this giant plastic bucket."
"The hell kind of punishment is that."
"I don't know she was some weird hippy, woodstock era you know. Anyway the rule was you couldn't leave the bucket for ten minutes. As I'm sure you can guess the stupid muggles thought that was a 'difficult child'. They couldn't take my walking entity of badassness, so as you can guess I was in time out quite a bit. One day they put me in the bucket for thirty bloody minutes! All I did was tell the stupid muggle teacher the truth, if she wasn't so vile she might not be single and alone. "
"Wow, honest Voldy, who would have thought it possible."
"Whatever Potter, anyway refusing to be imprisoned by a lowly muggle I gripped the handles of the bucket and shuffled my body repeatedly until the bucket and I were out of the classroom, then the hallway and out the front door. They eventually found me in the parking lot scooting my way to glorious freedom in the time out bucket."
"Wow…"
"The teachers were furious as you can guess. They called the head of the orphanage and told her what I did. Bless that muggle, the only worthwhile one I've ever met, She told them, 'Well he never left the bucket'"
Harry burst out into laughter.
"Not bad, not bad at all. Top this though. I'm really allergic to peanuts, it's so unfair. No peanut butter and jelly for me as Dudley was sure to remind me every morning. Then I discovered Reese's chocolate. I couldn't take it anymore, chocolate and peanut butter deliciousness all into one. When I was in third grade I couldn't take it anymore. I had to know what Reese's tasted like. So in the middle of the cafeteria I jumped onto the table, pulled out my Epipen, ate the Reese's cup, then stabbed myself with the Epipen and told the teacher to call the hospital."
"I'm speechless… I'm still badass, but you're the most hardcore kid I've ever heard of."