Originally I was only going to write one short story and then move on to my next multi-chapter story, but I was watching Hellsing Ultimate and an idea popped into my head: what if Alucard, Seras and the rest of the gang went to Forks and met the Cullens? Thus, this wonderfully corny idea was born, and here it is. As usual, I own nothing, only the idea and the horribly funny actions that occur.

PS: this is AU, and those folks who've read all the way through Hellsing (like me) will know why. There's also a teensy bit of swearing but it's only like once or twice. The rating is not for sexual content but for violence and gore. I hope you know where this is going… (Evil laugh)

PSS: This has LOTS of Twilight bashing so Twihards that can't take a joke, this probably isn't your type of story. Otherwise, enjoy!

A Peculiar Assignment

November 17th, 2007- LONDON: Hellsing Headquarters, 8:45 PM

Sir Integra Hellsing paced back and forth through her large, spacious office. The moon was full through her large floor-to-ceiling windows, but she ignored it completely; after a certain number of years in her particular line of work, the moon was a mere reminder that it was time to start the work day.

A knock on the door interrupted her intense pacing, and she looked towards the door as it opened slightly. "He's awake, my lady." Walter C. Dorneaz, Sir Integra's only butler stepped into the room and shut the door behind him.

"And what of the Police Girl; is she learning to rise earlier?" Integra sat down into her large plush chair as Walter walked to her side. Before he could answer, a portal of black nothingness appeared on the ceiling just in front of Integra's desk. In the blink of an eye two figures appeared: one standing firmly in his red outfit (that he always wore) with an ever-present smirk upon his face, and the other in a police-issued uniform who was rubbing her knee where she'd fallen.

"I'm trying, my Master but the Police Girl just won't get up without certain…persuasions." Walter let out a small laugh and the Police Girl's (whose real name was Seras Victoria) blushed furiously and waved her arms in a childish manner, trying to deny the actions.

Sir Integra raised her hand and the joking around ended abruptly. "This is no time for merriment. Reports have come in that there is a large clan of vampires in the northwestern area of Washington State in the USA. It seems that two of them even produced a child together while the mother was still human."

"Anyways, your mission is to travel there, find out if they are a danger to the general public, and exterminate them if that is the case. You are dismissed."

The two vampires nodded and left the room the way they came: through the ceiling. Walter looked down to where his employer was studying the field cases. "Is it really a good idea to send them to a different country alone? Who knows what kind of destruction Alucard could cause just by, well, being Alucard…not to mention these particular vampires are very likely to disturb him: they sparkle and I just don't think that they should be left alone without backup…" Walter drifted off as Integra looked up to stare at him softly.

"Of course not," she replied with a hint of a smirk, "and that's why you're going with them."

November 17th, 2007-FORKS: the Cullen Household, 8:45 PM

Whilst using her ridiculous vampire talents to arrange seven roses into a dinosaur, Alice Cullen had a vision of absolute gore: heads smashed into walls, body parts strewn about, and an indescribable evil aura lurking around the whole thing. When she came back to the real world, her husband/brother Jasper was shaking her and most of the Cullen clan had stopped what they were doing, save for two rather…unsavory characters.

"Oh Edward I love you so much!" Bella exclaimed, and Edward returned the gesture of disgusting love. Alice cleared her throat and the two looked up, slightly embarrassed. Seeing Alice's pained glare, Bella asked, "Is it the Volturi again? Those bastards can go suck it (ha-ha, suck it) if they want our beautiful daughter!"

"No," Alice replied, her voice shaky, "it's-"

Her response was cut short as a large black coffin came crashing through the ceiling, landing on Edward's piano. He let out a wail of despair, but before he could put his mourning into words another box fell through, this time only centimeters away from the couple on the couch.

Before the vampires could blink (even though that's a dumb phrase seeing as how vampires don't blink in the Stephanie Meyer universe but whatever) the box sprung open and a man in his late sixties jumped out, quickly surveying the area. He pulled out a small radio and spoke with a British accent. "My lady, it seems as though they are hostile seeing as how most of the men and women are bearing their fangs."

He stopped for a little bit and the vampires could hear a low mumble coming through the other side. "Ah," he spoke again, "shall I signal the Police Girl?" More silence. Finally, the man spoke "I understand my lady," and put the radio away. He quickly said "Enter position Delta, Seras," seemingly to no one and brushed off the dirt from his clothes.

He looked back at the still-closed coffin on the ruins of the piano and sighed deeply. He turned back to vampires and said, "I'm terribly sorry about the damage done to your piano, as it was a very lovely edition. My name is Walter C. Dorneaz and I am here to see if you are harmful or not; you seem like nice enough people. However, seeing a vampire group this large and with a Halfling no less, I suppose it's only best to eradicate you."

Emmett charged at him and the older man only smirked. "Police Girl, fire at will!" At once a storm of bullets fell through the conveniently large windows upon the vampires. Blood splattered all around the white furniture; the elderly man, however, was perfectly unharmed and clean. The coffin behind him was also unharmed; furthermore, it was open. Who or whatever was in there had escaped their notice, which is quite hard to do with a vampire.

"Well," Walter spoke, pulling his gloves out, let's get started."

-xxx-

From a tree five kilometers away, Seras began to reload her massive gun in the large tree she was situated in. Midway into the reload, she heard the howl of wolves and stopped immediately. Sir Integra had warned them that a wolf pack (possibly werewolves) was in the area, but she'd had no idea they would come here.

Pulling out her second ear piece, Seras said "Master, six kilometers away from the house the wolves Sir Integra warned us about. I've got Walter's back."

"I'll do what I want, Police Girl; carry on." A lone figure in the color of blood stalked through the forest, just waiting for a fool to come running into his path. Lucky for him, several were only just minutes away.

-xxx-

The vampires slowly got off the ground, bullet ridden save for the child, who was shielded in the protective arms of her parents. Walter stood calmly, waiting for them to get to their fight. He was an honorable man after all. Once again the large one charged at him, and Walter flicked his wrist. The affect was instant: the vampire's torso was cut into several neat sections and fell to the floor with loud, methodical -thumps-.

He fell to the ground and Walter smirked; one down, seven to go plus the Halfling. One of the females, presumably the mate of the slain vampire, let out a screech of fury and jumped at him: Walter flicked his wrist and she was flung out the window and into the night. The other vampires remained motionless; they were too shocked to move.

"Police Girl," he spoke calmly, staring in distaste at the corpse by his feet "I sent a very angry female flying in your direction. Take care of her will you?" He stopped speaking and the gore began again.

-xxx-

Another wolf went flying into the trees, breaking everything its path, as Alucard emptied another round in his gun. The others were dead, their bodies blasted into pieces by Alucard's favorite gun. Alucard calmly followed the trail of broken tree trunks and branches at a leisurely pace until he reached the wolf he'd just thrown.

The wolf let out a growl of defiance and Alucard smiled. "It's so wonderful that at least one of you could put up a fair fight. I positively enjoyed my confrontation with you. However, there are still those pesky vampires to take care of, including the Halfling." The wolf growled angrily at his last statement, and Alucard let out a loud chuckle.

"Oh, so you care for those worthless excuses for vampires. I'll bring them your head so you can be burned with them." Alucard had finished loading his gun and pointed at the wolf's head. "Goodbye."

The gun fired and the wolf's brain splattered against the grass under him. As promised, Alucard picked up his head and walked back towards his young apprentice.

-xxx-

Reaching the tall tree where Seras had originally situated herself, Alucard was unsurprised to see a large bloodstain, several indistinguishable body parts that, oddly enough, seemed to sparkle, a necklace and Seras without a scratch, casually cleaning her gun. Sensing his presence she looked up and greeted him with a stuttering, bashful "Master." He laughed and she blushed even more.

Noticing the wolf head in his hands, Seras hesitantly asked "Master…why do you have that?" Alucard laughed again, this time heartily and once again Seras just smiled awkwardly.

"It's a housewarming present, Police Girl; I plan to visit the…vampires (he spoke the word 'vampire' as one would reference to a hobo begging for money in the street: disgusting and just plain wrong) in style. Come now, we should go help out Walter."

Nodding, Seras joined him at his side, and the pair headed back to the house where Walter was taking care of his business.

-xxx-

Another screech rang out in the night, and Alucard chuckled as he and Seras approached the now-wrecked house. "It seems Walter's been doing just fine," he noted as they slowly walked through the shattered window pieces and wood that had been cut into tiny pieces. Alucard grabbed Seras suddenly and she squeaked in alarm, but he merely covered her mouth and they went through a part of the wall that was still standing.

Noticing the portal of black that was quickly appearing to the rear of the vampires, Walter sighed in slight relief; while he certainly could hold his own, the sparkling vampires were nothing if not persistent.

"Alucard, how good of you to show up." Noticing the…interesting object in Alucard's hands, Walter decided not to question, only to go along with it. "And I see you brought a present for these vampires?"

Alucard laughed once more and chucked the wolf head into the middle of the area where the remaining vampires were holding up. Several of them screamed in despair and the Halfling started crying. Alucard smirked and continued walking forward with Seras following suit.

Walter relaxed in his stance and waited for the real bloodshed to begin; he was called the angel of death, but the battle of monster vs. man had turned into monster vs. absolute evil (Alucard). Alucard smiled his genuine, I'm-about-to-kill-you-and-I'm-going-to-enjoy-it smiles, and blood began spattering the walls once more.

The oldest ones went first; Alucard grabbed them by their heads and squeezed. Instantly a shower of blood and brain-pieces cascaded down like a gory rainfall. Across the room, Seras discarded her large gun for a smaller handheld rifle and shot holes through the two who were charging at Walter. They faltered but didn't stop their approach, so Seras re-aimed and shot two clean holes through their sparkly little faces.

Now only the last two and the Halfling remained. Alucard stepped forward and the man flung himself at Alucard, fangs out and ready to bite. He tackled Alucard and started ripping his chest into shreds. When he finally stopped struggling, the man let out a yell of victory and began to head back towards the woman and child, when an odd sensation began rapidly spreading from his neck. He choked out "Bella…" and fell to the ground head first, body second.

Alucard slowly stood back up as the wounds from his body quickly healed. He cracked his shoulders and smiled grimly at the woman and her daughter, who sat unmoving after seeing their beloved husband and father killed. Finally, the woman shook herself out of it and clasped the little girl's hand in her own.

When the woman screamed and attempted to run, Seras calmly aimed her gun and shot her in the foot, completely amputating her left ankle from the rest of her leg. An animal screeched released itself from the footless vampire's mouth, and Alucard slowly walked toward her. "Please! Spare my daughter, spare my child!" The woman was in hysterics, but Alucard said nothing, only approaching at an even pace.

The girl got up and ran behind the couch as her mother screeched at her to get away. Alucard reached the bleeding vampire, and crouched down so he could look at her eye-to-eye. When he spoke, it was so soft Walter had to strain with his human hearing: "I enjoyed the wolves much more than I enjoyed you pathetic excuses for true prowlers of the night."

With his statement finished, he drew his gun and shot her pointblank, making a lovely crimson pattern on the floorboards. He looked up to where the girl had fallen in shock, and smirked. He began walking towards her when he heard Walter talking to one in particular, which meant he was conversing with Integra.

"Alucard, Integra-sama orders that we are to take the child with us; being a Halfling, there are countless ways we could use her once she's grown and…rehabilitated." While Walter's statement seemed harmless enough, seeing as how they were going to spare the girl, there was a darker side to his words: this girl will be a great weapon as soon as her mind is broken and she is reduced to a shell.

Alucard snorted but he always followed his orders. He appeared behind the girl instantly and before she had time to react, he'd knocked her unconscious and threw her over his shoulder. As he walked past Seras, he casually dumped the girl on her, casually saying, "Carry the baggage won't you?" Being the servant, Seras reluctantly complied.

The three Hellsing agents stepped off the property of the Cullens, and Alucard stared happily at the moon, so full and bright against the darkness of the sky; it really had turned out to be a wonderful night indeed.

End

So there's A Peculiar Assignment! I really hope you guys enjoyed it, because I enjoyed writing it; imagining the Hellsing crew kicking the asses of the Cullens made my heart soar. BTW, Edward and Bella's kid (whose name I detest so I won't even try to write it) doesn't have a happy ending. There will be no sequel to this story, but know that she doesn't turn out okay.

As always, please comment at your leisure, and criticism is welcomed as long as it is constructive; I'm always looking for help to make me a better writer. Thanks for reading!