In Control

by DazzledByNorrington

based off of the TOS episode called The Naked Time. Spock has just been confronted by Nurse Christine, and he has been infected with the disease that brings your deepest emotions to the surface. He cries for himself, and his past.

She said she loved me.
Loved me.
"The human Mr. Spock; the Vulcan Mr. Spock. Oh, how your emotions must torture you..."
My emotions...
I am in control of my emotions.
I am.

'I am, Mama, I am! After all, I am a Vulcan.'
She laughs at me. 'Oh, really? Because I know somebody who thinks different...' That familiar mischievous grin spreads across her face.
'No, wait. Mama, wait!'
But she pounces. My laughter echoes throughout the large room. i attempt to retaliate, but alas, Mama is too strong. I am helpless.
But despite my discomfort, that alien feeling is growing yet again inside me.
Happiness.

Mama, oh, Mama, I am sorry. It was my duty, my duty to be in space--Father never told me, I didn't know you were ill!...

'I never told her. I never could...I didn't have the chance.'
My father places his hand on my shoulder, a rare gesture from him. 'She knows, Spock. Even though she is not here in body, or mind, she is here in spirit. And she always will be. It is only logical. Never forget that, my son.'
I curse myself for not crying. Why not this once; why not for Mama?
Her hands, which once, in her own gesture of love, danced across my stomach were now cold and still. Her laugh, blending so harmoniously with mine, was now silenced forever. I feared looking into face and not seeing that smile, that twinkle in her chocolate eyes. It was logical that my Father got drunk when he looked into her eyes, like he told me.

Drunk on love, I suppose. If that is even possible. It certainly seems illogical.

'Spock. We must cover it now.' I kneel, take her hand, and kiss it.
At last a tear runs down my cheek.

No! I must stop.
Spock, you are to stop right now.
Now is not the time to be human!
But Mama, Mama never knew, she never heard me say it...no!
You are a Vulcan (halfbreed, I'm a halfbreed) and you must, you will--Mama, please, please help me, Mama, I miss you, I miss you so much, please come back to me, I need to tell you, I need to, I miss you, I love you!

I love you.

I...I love you?
I said it.
I love you.

Oh, God, what the hell is happening to me?