Title: Honeymoon in Vegas
Dedication: To my number one fan, ozfan! Crikey luv! And to the snarky crew over at TWOP.
Buffy picked up the baseball bat that was convienently lying in the middle of the parking lot and started beating the demon over the head with it. A particulalry ugly demon, it looked like what would happen if the members of N'Sync had a bastard love-child with the members of O-Town. The Scooby Gang had tracked the demon from Sunnydale to Las Vegas, where it had been wreaking havoc playing Keith Partridge in "The Partridge Family, Live on Stage!"
"I THINK I LOVE THIS!" Buffy yelled, bringing down the bat for a final killing blow. Behind her, the gang all started applauding.
"Thank you, thank you," Buffy turned and curtseyed. Spike strode up to her and slid an arm around her waist.
"Bloody brilliant luv! You really brought the bangers and mash on that one."
"It's three o'clock in the afternoon! How can Spike be outside like this?" Anya asked, confused.
"He brought an umbrella. He's impervious to the sun under it." Tara explained.
Sure enough, Spike was holding an umbrella over his head. With his other hand he started doing things to Buffy the FCC would have a fit over.
Xander turned his back to the sight, put his hands over his ears and started going, "La la la la, I can't see it, so it's not happening! La la la."
Tara, Willow, and Anya all sighed.
"When is he going to stop doing that?" Willow asked, "Why does he refuse to admit that Buffy has made Spike her heterosexual love muffin? I'm gay, in case I haven't mentioned it in the last five minutes."
"LA LA LA!"
Buffy and Spike broke apart and came back to the group.
"What do we do now?" Willow asked. A wand fell out of her pocket and she went scrambling after it.
"What was that?" Tara asked, suspicious.
"Uh, my baton. I'm learning how to conduct an orchastra."
"Oh," everyone said, relieved. Willow had been addicted to magic very recently, so they had to keep a close eye on her.
"Crikey, I've got an idea about what we can do." Spike said around his cigarette, "Blimey, we're in Vegas anyway, so, Buffy luv, will you marry me?" he sank down on one knee and took her hand, "I'm in love with you."
"You're in love with pain!" Buffy yelled, jumping on top of him and punching him in the mouth. Xander started cheering, "Go Buff! He's evil. EVIL!"
But the punching turned into kissing the way it always did and Xander ran out of the parking lot screaming.
"Wanker," Spike muttered, "Bloody hell Buffy, give me an answer! I can't wait forever, you know. Well technically I guess I could, but I want your sodding response now!"
"No. No wait! Yes! Yes I will! But I can't, you're evil. But I can't stay away from you, so yes! No wait! No."
After about twenty minutes of this Willow, Tara, Anya, and Spike got bored and decided to go gambling.
********
Three hours later Buffy had made up her mind and told Spike yes. Since the desert was so conviently near, she had gone on a vision quest to find the answer. She found the First Slayer, who told her, "Death is your gift, but it comes with a fabulous gift with purchase."
"Gift with purchase?" Buffy asked, "Do you mean that since I gave my life for Dawn's, Spike is my gift with purchase and I should marry him?"
"Well I'm not talking about a mini bottle of Clinique's Dramatically Different Moisturizing Lotion. That stuff sucks."
"So I should marry Spike?"
"He is a vampire, and vampires are evil."
"But he wouldn't tell Glory that Dawn was the key even though she tortured him." Buffy protested.
"Vampires are EVIL!"
"But he patrolled with my friends the whole summer I was dead. He didn't have to do that."
"Well I do admit the man looks good in leather," The First Slayer conceded. "You are one with the shadows Buffy Summers. The night is dark, and lonely for the chosen one. Your destiny can be divined by the stars."
"What the hell does that mean?" Buffy asked.
"Oh beats me. I make most of this stuff up. Marry him, don't marry him, I really don't care. But if you don't, send him out here, would ya? I'd like to see how bloody good William the Bloody really is."
"Hey!" Buffy said, jumping to her feet. "You keep your conjured up hands away from my Spikey!"
She turned around and marched out of the desert, using her Slayer sense and her BlackBerry to track the gang to Ceaser's Palace.
**********
After they had checked into the hotel, Anya and Xander decided to go gambling themselves while Willow and Tara went with Buffy to check out wedding chapels. Spike stayed in the room, having discovered that the movie Bram Stoker's Dracula was on TV.
"Sodding wanker," he said around his cigarette, "I saw your wife, and she looked nothing like Winona Bloody Ryder! The hell? KEANU NANCY-BOY REEVES is in this movie?! I'm bloody gobsmacked!"
"Spike, we're going out!" Buffy said, ignoring his mood.
"Cheerio luv."
Willow and Tara had gone over to the Excalibur hotel and mugged the employees dressed as Lady Guinevere and the Lady and the Lake. There was no other explanation for Tara's shiny green skirt and lace-up corset, and Willow's pink dress with criss-crossing velvet ribbons. Buffy bounded up to them with a big smile.
"How's the magic addiction going, Will?" she asked.
Willow stuffed the basil leaves back into her purse, "Fine!" she squeaked. Tara glanced at her, but Willow made googly lesbian eyes and Tara's spine melted back into a puddle of goo.
The three women made their way down the Strip to the wedding chapel. A vampire ran up at them snarling, but Buffy picked up the wooden ruler someone had dropped and staked him.
"To think I once wanted to do that to Spike," Buffy said.
Willow grasped Tara's hand, "How times change."
From somewhere over on the Fox network Oz replied, "You can say that again."
The wedding chapel offered a variety of theme weddings, and Buffy poured eagerly over the book of photos.
"Sonny and Cher, Star Trek, Gone With the Wind, ooh, Kermit and Miss Piggy!"
"Would you like some tea?" the wedding co-ordinator asked.
"We're lesbians, but thanks for offering," Willow replied.
"Grease, Titanic, Romeo and Juliet. Oh, I just can't decide!" Buffy pouted.
Tara peered over Buffy's shoulder, "What about that one?"
Buffy looked, "Mulder and Scully?"
"Just a thought," Tara mumbled, blushing, "I've got a thing for red-heads you know."
The wedding co-ordinator sat down at the table with a big smile, "So tell me about your fiance?"
"Well," Buffy replied, flipping through the book, "He's evil, of course. But really not. It's a government chip thing..."
"Scully had a government chip too!" Tara interrupted.
"...He's British, so he says "Cor" a lot, and he dresses really cool, except sometimes he wears pimp jewelry. And I love him, except I don't cause of the whole, ya know, evil thing."
"Right," the wedding co-ordinator nodded, "So, shall we go for "The Flintstones" theme?"
*******
Buffy called Spike from her cell phone.
"Bob's yer uncle." he answered cheerfully.
"Hey Spike, it's me."
"Buffy luv! I miss you, my sweet little Slayer. Oh, shut yer pie-hole Harris. He's doing the la la la thing again. Mockney toff."
"Right, anyway the wedding is scheduled for midnight. You'll be ready?"
"Blimey luv, I've been ready since the first moment I clapped eyes on you. Oh bloody hell you should see what Xander's doing. He's sitting in the middle of the craps table rocking back and forth, chanting "If I don't hear it, it's not real." Xander! I just rolled a bloody seven! Get yer arse off the table! Wanker!"
"I'll see you soon, sweetie."
Buffy and Tara made their way back to Ceaser's Palace. Willow had ducked into Lance Burton's magic show to heckle him and promised to meet up with them later.
"Remember Will, no magic!" Tara called.
"Right, right," Willow mumbled, cutting locks of hair off passerby.
Xander had got off the craps table and was explaining blackjack to Anya, who refused to exchange her money for "stupid plastic chips". Buffy ran up to Spike and kissed him so hard several onlookers had to leave to take cold showers. Xander ripped a gold lame baseball hat off an old lady at the slot machines and used it to cover his eyes.
"It's not real! It's not real!"
Buffy and Spike shrugged. Then a Faryl demon ran through the casino and they chased after it. Buffy grabbed a silver sword off a cocktail waitress and plunged it into the demon's heart, after carefully checking the demon's eyes to make sure it wasn't Giles. She wasn't making that mistake twice.
"So we're getting married," Buffy said, looking soulfully at Spike over the dripping corpse.
"Yup. You'll be Mrs. the Bloody."
"Hey, I'm keeping my own name. Actually, why don't you take it too? Spike Summers!"
"Don't push it, luv. I'm still a blood-sucking fiend you know."
Buffy patted his hand, "Yes dear. You're very scary."
"You're sodding just saying that. Blimey, do you even think I'm the least bit depraved anymore?"
"Do you really want to do this now?"
"You haven't punched me in at least fifteen minutes!"
"Oh, for the love of God!" Buffy muttered.
"Goddess," Tara corrected, "Come on Buffy, it's time to get ready for your wedding."
"Just a sec, Tara."
Buffy flung Spike across the room into the all you can eat buffet.
"You're evil and I hate you!"
"Thanks luv!"
**********
Spike was wearing his black jeans, black silk shirt, and black coat. Xander leaned over and whispered to Anya, "Does he own just one outfit, or a whole bunch of the same?" Anya looked at him.
"You do realise we're here because Buffy and Spike are getting married, and that they had sex in the hotel elevator, and in the cab on the way over here, and thirty seconds ago they were doing it in the coat closet?"
Xander looked blankly at her, "I like chocolate milk."
Just then the wedding march started up and everyone stood. Buffy appeared at the back of the chapel wearing a pink sundress and carrying a bouquet of stakes. She came up the aisle, beaming, and kicked Spike in the balls.
"You disgust me. Let's get married!"
Just when the minister got to the "Let him speak now, or forever hold his peace part," the door to the chapel flew open and a tumble of black leather and hair gel revealed itself to be Angel. He wasn't sure if he should be brooding or pouting, so he was prooding.
"Buffy! Don't marry Spike!"
"Wait a second," Anya asked, "This is a chapel, how can vampires be in here?"
Spike and Angel both collapsed to the floor and started writhing in pain.
"It's not a consecrated church," Tara explained.
Spike and Angel stood up again.
"Buffy don't do it! I'm your undead lover, not him! Your supposed to sit in Sunnydale and pine away for me while I flounce around LA and boink my ex- girlfriend."
Buffy stared into Angel's eyes. Everyone held their breath while they waited for her to speak. Well, everyone except Spike and Angel, who didn't need to breathe.
"You know I never noticed this before, but how come Spike still has his English accent, and you don't have your Irish one, except when you're talking about the past? Anyway, aren't you about to get it on with Cordelia?"
Angel stopped and thought, "You know, you're right. Oh crap, I left the baby in the car! See ya!"
Angel ran out of the chapel, passing by a horrified Xander.
"ANGEL AND CORDELIA? BUFFY AND SPIKE AND ANGEL AND CORDELIA?"
Xander's head exploded.
"Don't worry, I've got it!" Tara said. She chanted some words that might have been Latin, but were probably just something she made up. Swirly lights and sparkles shot out of her fingers and a new head popped up on Xander's neck, much like the special effect in the movie Men in Black. Next to Tara, Willow collapsed in an orgasmic heap at the magic display. Because she gets off on magic.
The minister finished the wedding ceremony and Buffy and Spike started smacking each other around. Then they wound up against the wall, and everyone tactfully turned their eyes away.
"Wasn't that a great wedding?" Dawn asked Anya.
"Wait, when did you get here?" Anya asked, putting on sunglasses to cut down the glare from Dawn's hair.
"What are you talking about? I've been here the whole time!"
Spike and Buffy rejoined the group, flushed and glowing. Well, Buffy was flushed and glowing. Spike not so much, due to the whole being dead thing.
"We're married!" Buffy said gleefully. "I'm so happy! I'm completely over that whole depressed-cause-I-was-ripped-out-of-Heeeeavan thing."
"That's good. We're really glad about that Buffy," Willow replied, drawing a pentagram on her hand,
"What's that?" Tara asked.
"Um, a star. Cause stars are pretty."
"Okay." Tara replied, satisfied.
"Ready for your first night of patrolling as a married woman, luv?" Spike started nuzzling at Buffy's neck, "Or shall we go get a smashing jump on the honeymoon?"
Xander's head exploded again.
End
Dedication: To my number one fan, ozfan! Crikey luv! And to the snarky crew over at TWOP.
Buffy picked up the baseball bat that was convienently lying in the middle of the parking lot and started beating the demon over the head with it. A particulalry ugly demon, it looked like what would happen if the members of N'Sync had a bastard love-child with the members of O-Town. The Scooby Gang had tracked the demon from Sunnydale to Las Vegas, where it had been wreaking havoc playing Keith Partridge in "The Partridge Family, Live on Stage!"
"I THINK I LOVE THIS!" Buffy yelled, bringing down the bat for a final killing blow. Behind her, the gang all started applauding.
"Thank you, thank you," Buffy turned and curtseyed. Spike strode up to her and slid an arm around her waist.
"Bloody brilliant luv! You really brought the bangers and mash on that one."
"It's three o'clock in the afternoon! How can Spike be outside like this?" Anya asked, confused.
"He brought an umbrella. He's impervious to the sun under it." Tara explained.
Sure enough, Spike was holding an umbrella over his head. With his other hand he started doing things to Buffy the FCC would have a fit over.
Xander turned his back to the sight, put his hands over his ears and started going, "La la la la, I can't see it, so it's not happening! La la la."
Tara, Willow, and Anya all sighed.
"When is he going to stop doing that?" Willow asked, "Why does he refuse to admit that Buffy has made Spike her heterosexual love muffin? I'm gay, in case I haven't mentioned it in the last five minutes."
"LA LA LA!"
Buffy and Spike broke apart and came back to the group.
"What do we do now?" Willow asked. A wand fell out of her pocket and she went scrambling after it.
"What was that?" Tara asked, suspicious.
"Uh, my baton. I'm learning how to conduct an orchastra."
"Oh," everyone said, relieved. Willow had been addicted to magic very recently, so they had to keep a close eye on her.
"Crikey, I've got an idea about what we can do." Spike said around his cigarette, "Blimey, we're in Vegas anyway, so, Buffy luv, will you marry me?" he sank down on one knee and took her hand, "I'm in love with you."
"You're in love with pain!" Buffy yelled, jumping on top of him and punching him in the mouth. Xander started cheering, "Go Buff! He's evil. EVIL!"
But the punching turned into kissing the way it always did and Xander ran out of the parking lot screaming.
"Wanker," Spike muttered, "Bloody hell Buffy, give me an answer! I can't wait forever, you know. Well technically I guess I could, but I want your sodding response now!"
"No. No wait! Yes! Yes I will! But I can't, you're evil. But I can't stay away from you, so yes! No wait! No."
After about twenty minutes of this Willow, Tara, Anya, and Spike got bored and decided to go gambling.
********
Three hours later Buffy had made up her mind and told Spike yes. Since the desert was so conviently near, she had gone on a vision quest to find the answer. She found the First Slayer, who told her, "Death is your gift, but it comes with a fabulous gift with purchase."
"Gift with purchase?" Buffy asked, "Do you mean that since I gave my life for Dawn's, Spike is my gift with purchase and I should marry him?"
"Well I'm not talking about a mini bottle of Clinique's Dramatically Different Moisturizing Lotion. That stuff sucks."
"So I should marry Spike?"
"He is a vampire, and vampires are evil."
"But he wouldn't tell Glory that Dawn was the key even though she tortured him." Buffy protested.
"Vampires are EVIL!"
"But he patrolled with my friends the whole summer I was dead. He didn't have to do that."
"Well I do admit the man looks good in leather," The First Slayer conceded. "You are one with the shadows Buffy Summers. The night is dark, and lonely for the chosen one. Your destiny can be divined by the stars."
"What the hell does that mean?" Buffy asked.
"Oh beats me. I make most of this stuff up. Marry him, don't marry him, I really don't care. But if you don't, send him out here, would ya? I'd like to see how bloody good William the Bloody really is."
"Hey!" Buffy said, jumping to her feet. "You keep your conjured up hands away from my Spikey!"
She turned around and marched out of the desert, using her Slayer sense and her BlackBerry to track the gang to Ceaser's Palace.
**********
After they had checked into the hotel, Anya and Xander decided to go gambling themselves while Willow and Tara went with Buffy to check out wedding chapels. Spike stayed in the room, having discovered that the movie Bram Stoker's Dracula was on TV.
"Sodding wanker," he said around his cigarette, "I saw your wife, and she looked nothing like Winona Bloody Ryder! The hell? KEANU NANCY-BOY REEVES is in this movie?! I'm bloody gobsmacked!"
"Spike, we're going out!" Buffy said, ignoring his mood.
"Cheerio luv."
Willow and Tara had gone over to the Excalibur hotel and mugged the employees dressed as Lady Guinevere and the Lady and the Lake. There was no other explanation for Tara's shiny green skirt and lace-up corset, and Willow's pink dress with criss-crossing velvet ribbons. Buffy bounded up to them with a big smile.
"How's the magic addiction going, Will?" she asked.
Willow stuffed the basil leaves back into her purse, "Fine!" she squeaked. Tara glanced at her, but Willow made googly lesbian eyes and Tara's spine melted back into a puddle of goo.
The three women made their way down the Strip to the wedding chapel. A vampire ran up at them snarling, but Buffy picked up the wooden ruler someone had dropped and staked him.
"To think I once wanted to do that to Spike," Buffy said.
Willow grasped Tara's hand, "How times change."
From somewhere over on the Fox network Oz replied, "You can say that again."
The wedding chapel offered a variety of theme weddings, and Buffy poured eagerly over the book of photos.
"Sonny and Cher, Star Trek, Gone With the Wind, ooh, Kermit and Miss Piggy!"
"Would you like some tea?" the wedding co-ordinator asked.
"We're lesbians, but thanks for offering," Willow replied.
"Grease, Titanic, Romeo and Juliet. Oh, I just can't decide!" Buffy pouted.
Tara peered over Buffy's shoulder, "What about that one?"
Buffy looked, "Mulder and Scully?"
"Just a thought," Tara mumbled, blushing, "I've got a thing for red-heads you know."
The wedding co-ordinator sat down at the table with a big smile, "So tell me about your fiance?"
"Well," Buffy replied, flipping through the book, "He's evil, of course. But really not. It's a government chip thing..."
"Scully had a government chip too!" Tara interrupted.
"...He's British, so he says "Cor" a lot, and he dresses really cool, except sometimes he wears pimp jewelry. And I love him, except I don't cause of the whole, ya know, evil thing."
"Right," the wedding co-ordinator nodded, "So, shall we go for "The Flintstones" theme?"
*******
Buffy called Spike from her cell phone.
"Bob's yer uncle." he answered cheerfully.
"Hey Spike, it's me."
"Buffy luv! I miss you, my sweet little Slayer. Oh, shut yer pie-hole Harris. He's doing the la la la thing again. Mockney toff."
"Right, anyway the wedding is scheduled for midnight. You'll be ready?"
"Blimey luv, I've been ready since the first moment I clapped eyes on you. Oh bloody hell you should see what Xander's doing. He's sitting in the middle of the craps table rocking back and forth, chanting "If I don't hear it, it's not real." Xander! I just rolled a bloody seven! Get yer arse off the table! Wanker!"
"I'll see you soon, sweetie."
Buffy and Tara made their way back to Ceaser's Palace. Willow had ducked into Lance Burton's magic show to heckle him and promised to meet up with them later.
"Remember Will, no magic!" Tara called.
"Right, right," Willow mumbled, cutting locks of hair off passerby.
Xander had got off the craps table and was explaining blackjack to Anya, who refused to exchange her money for "stupid plastic chips". Buffy ran up to Spike and kissed him so hard several onlookers had to leave to take cold showers. Xander ripped a gold lame baseball hat off an old lady at the slot machines and used it to cover his eyes.
"It's not real! It's not real!"
Buffy and Spike shrugged. Then a Faryl demon ran through the casino and they chased after it. Buffy grabbed a silver sword off a cocktail waitress and plunged it into the demon's heart, after carefully checking the demon's eyes to make sure it wasn't Giles. She wasn't making that mistake twice.
"So we're getting married," Buffy said, looking soulfully at Spike over the dripping corpse.
"Yup. You'll be Mrs. the Bloody."
"Hey, I'm keeping my own name. Actually, why don't you take it too? Spike Summers!"
"Don't push it, luv. I'm still a blood-sucking fiend you know."
Buffy patted his hand, "Yes dear. You're very scary."
"You're sodding just saying that. Blimey, do you even think I'm the least bit depraved anymore?"
"Do you really want to do this now?"
"You haven't punched me in at least fifteen minutes!"
"Oh, for the love of God!" Buffy muttered.
"Goddess," Tara corrected, "Come on Buffy, it's time to get ready for your wedding."
"Just a sec, Tara."
Buffy flung Spike across the room into the all you can eat buffet.
"You're evil and I hate you!"
"Thanks luv!"
**********
Spike was wearing his black jeans, black silk shirt, and black coat. Xander leaned over and whispered to Anya, "Does he own just one outfit, or a whole bunch of the same?" Anya looked at him.
"You do realise we're here because Buffy and Spike are getting married, and that they had sex in the hotel elevator, and in the cab on the way over here, and thirty seconds ago they were doing it in the coat closet?"
Xander looked blankly at her, "I like chocolate milk."
Just then the wedding march started up and everyone stood. Buffy appeared at the back of the chapel wearing a pink sundress and carrying a bouquet of stakes. She came up the aisle, beaming, and kicked Spike in the balls.
"You disgust me. Let's get married!"
Just when the minister got to the "Let him speak now, or forever hold his peace part," the door to the chapel flew open and a tumble of black leather and hair gel revealed itself to be Angel. He wasn't sure if he should be brooding or pouting, so he was prooding.
"Buffy! Don't marry Spike!"
"Wait a second," Anya asked, "This is a chapel, how can vampires be in here?"
Spike and Angel both collapsed to the floor and started writhing in pain.
"It's not a consecrated church," Tara explained.
Spike and Angel stood up again.
"Buffy don't do it! I'm your undead lover, not him! Your supposed to sit in Sunnydale and pine away for me while I flounce around LA and boink my ex- girlfriend."
Buffy stared into Angel's eyes. Everyone held their breath while they waited for her to speak. Well, everyone except Spike and Angel, who didn't need to breathe.
"You know I never noticed this before, but how come Spike still has his English accent, and you don't have your Irish one, except when you're talking about the past? Anyway, aren't you about to get it on with Cordelia?"
Angel stopped and thought, "You know, you're right. Oh crap, I left the baby in the car! See ya!"
Angel ran out of the chapel, passing by a horrified Xander.
"ANGEL AND CORDELIA? BUFFY AND SPIKE AND ANGEL AND CORDELIA?"
Xander's head exploded.
"Don't worry, I've got it!" Tara said. She chanted some words that might have been Latin, but were probably just something she made up. Swirly lights and sparkles shot out of her fingers and a new head popped up on Xander's neck, much like the special effect in the movie Men in Black. Next to Tara, Willow collapsed in an orgasmic heap at the magic display. Because she gets off on magic.
The minister finished the wedding ceremony and Buffy and Spike started smacking each other around. Then they wound up against the wall, and everyone tactfully turned their eyes away.
"Wasn't that a great wedding?" Dawn asked Anya.
"Wait, when did you get here?" Anya asked, putting on sunglasses to cut down the glare from Dawn's hair.
"What are you talking about? I've been here the whole time!"
Spike and Buffy rejoined the group, flushed and glowing. Well, Buffy was flushed and glowing. Spike not so much, due to the whole being dead thing.
"We're married!" Buffy said gleefully. "I'm so happy! I'm completely over that whole depressed-cause-I-was-ripped-out-of-Heeeeavan thing."
"That's good. We're really glad about that Buffy," Willow replied, drawing a pentagram on her hand,
"What's that?" Tara asked.
"Um, a star. Cause stars are pretty."
"Okay." Tara replied, satisfied.
"Ready for your first night of patrolling as a married woman, luv?" Spike started nuzzling at Buffy's neck, "Or shall we go get a smashing jump on the honeymoon?"
Xander's head exploded again.
End