Chapter 1
I learned early on how to hide my true emotions, to not let people in and see what I'm feeling underneath, I know that nobody really cares no matter how they might act towards you. I'm not going to try and blame everything on my family, just most of it. They made me who I am today. They made me as cold as the season I was named after. My name, is Winter.
If you look at my wrist, you see my past, my present, and my future. There isn't much skin left unmarked, clean of pain. You would see my scars from previous incidents, when I felt most unloved, when I fell deep into my well of depression, so long gone I couldn't think straight, or only craved to get out the blade. When the blade bites my skin, it starts off as just a sting, very small, but always there. It gradually gets worse, suddenly it's a burn. That's when I'm on my high. I feel loved when I take out the blade and let it fly, I feel invincible, like I could go through anything and end up being okay. I feel a pain like no other, I feel desperation like none before, and I feel completely lost. There's this feeling of loneliness mixed with fear that could take anyone into the depths of some version of hell, even those who claim to be the strongest of all. People like me.
Once before, my family saw the skin that was scarred, saw the pink flesh sticking out from the usual pale skin, and saw the dried blood just around the edges. I've heard stories about families discovering that their child cuts, that they're in depression. I've heard that the family blames themselves, and opens their eyes, that the kid gets better, and everything turns out okay. I hoped that's what would happen with me, but instead, I got the cold shoulder. Nobody cared, they pretended not to see, I should be thankful that they didn't throw a rant, give me too much attention, make me go to therapy. Should be. Too bad I'm still disappointed, I didn't expect them to care, not enough to make a difference at least, but I was just too hopeful. Hoping that maybe they would change their minds and we could be a family I've always dreamt to be. Too little, too late. Only one person has ever showed care for me, her name was Autumn.
Autumn was my big sister, but also so much more than that. She was my best friend. I told her everything and she always returned the favor. I never knew if we were close simply because we were sisters, or if it was because we both had to go through the pain and terror of dealing with our family. We knew how the other felt, and we were the only ones who could say that. Nobody else could ever understand how it felt to live our lives. When Autumn died a year ago, I felt a pain like no other. It was worse than when my dad first hit me, or whenever he comes home with a new weapon he can't wait to try out. It was the pain of losing the only person who would ever understand you completely, and wholeheartedly. The only person who could save you from the life you have. The only person you've ever loved.
One time, I remember things had gotten so bad with our fathers new hitting habits, that I told Autumn I was going to commit suicide. I told her that I couldn't deal with it anymore and I was done. I will always remember her reaction to what I had just said; she looked at me with an expression hard to read and said "Are you crazy? Do you know how selfish you'd be? You were born into this world for a reason Winter! It might not seem like it now, but you're still young! You could grow up to become the president for all you know. You have a purpose; you just have to push past the bad parts before you can see it. Promise me you'll keep pushing. You have to promise me." I knew she was right, of course I did. The pain though…it made everything worse. Every time my father looked at me with that wild look in his eyes, I knew what was coming and I couldn't do a single thing about it. I promised her though. There was something about Autumn…something I could never deny. I always considered her to be the pretty one between us two; she could easily have been a model. She was a good 5'9'' with auburn hair that went slightly past her jaw and green sea foam eyes that you just knew you had to trust. Whereas I, with my 5'5'' frame, have long dirty blonde hair that flows to the middle of my back, and bright blue eyes, so bright they're almost startling. Autumn always claimed that I had the prettiest eyes she had ever seen, but I always found them disturbing, but Autumn was my big sister, and I tried to listen to her…especially after she was gone.