Title: Over the Edge and Back Again
Author: AllOverTheWorld
Author's Notes: Written for darkemberdagger who requested it after reading Hands. I would recommed reading Hands prior to reading this but it doesn't really matter. Enjoy and Happy New Year.
The barrel of the gun was cold against her temple, cold like the scalpel hehad run down her face, her jaw line and her neck. Her hand was shaking ever so slightly and the tears slid silently down her face as she was consumed by her own terror. She could feel his breath hit her face, it had smelled like garlic and power. She could hear his voice saying her name, over and over again, like a lover would say to the object of his affection. Except she was not the object of his affection, only his torture.
Ever since that fateful day when she had found her self held down to the floor by two scalpels, she had discovered her own vulnerability. Weak, terrified, crying, Korsak had found her on that floor and at that moment she knew that they would never be partners again. How could Korsak go into a dangerous situation with someone like her as his back up? Someone who had been so, so, so stupid, so foolish as to get struck over the head by a two by four and then tortured by some psychopath with an affection for her and for scalpels. He had judged her, he had to. There was no possible way on earth he could not, he had seen her, so pitiful, so pathetic down in that basement.
Moving beyond her ex-partners judgments she thought about the nightmares. Those mind and body consuming nightmares that when she woke up her hands were burning, the tears streamed down her face and her breath came in short, ragged gasps. The nightmares that took her hours to recover from, and more often than not left her paranoid, and unable to go back to sleep, so she would resign herself to vacuuming.
Vacuuming had long since lots its ability to help calm her down so here she found herself, sitting, on the floor, holding her gun to her head, just willing herself to pull the trigger. Her finger rested on said trigger and she knew it would only take a second, it would be painless and quick, no time for regrets. All she had to do was twitch her finger and suddenly all her pain would be gone, Hoyt and all his fuckin' nightmares would no longer exist. It would be sweet relief.
Pull.
The.
Trigger.
Three simple words combined with one simple action that would bring a very sudden end to all her silent suffering. She thought about Frankie, and Ma and Dad and Korsak and Frost and, and Maura, sweet, sensible, logical Maura. The woman who had never judged her for what had happened. The woman who knew when she hadn't slept. The woman who let her take over her spare bedroom, bringing the danger to her own house, but didn't care because Jane was her friend. The woman who found peace in dead bodies. The woman who worked not because she had to but because she wanted to make a difference in the world. The woman who Jane would take a bullet for. The woman Jane loved.
This realization came fast and quick but even as she realized the full extent of her feelings for Maura, Jane knew it could never be. She was broken, broken beyond repair. She was an emotionally compromised mess that had only one real option left to her. Her finger settled on the trigger and she closed her eyes ready for the relief.
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Maura didn't know what force was compelling her to drive over to Jane's apartment at three thirty in the morning. She had awoke half an hour ago with the strangest sense that something was very, very wrong. She had dismissed the feeling at first but after ten minutes of tossing and turning in her bed she only succeeded in getting entangled in her sheets. After extracting herself from that mess she had wandered around her house, making sure nothing was amiss there but even as she checked the T.V. room, the kitchen and the pantry the sense of unease grew.
The unfounded sense of unease was disconcerting to Maura and she didn't know how to handle it. She decided to call Jane, she would be able to either confirm or sooth this feelings. Not the case. When she got no answer on Jane's cell phone the sense that something was wrong only worsened and Maura knew what she had to do. Grabbing her keys Maura said good-bye to Bass, locked up her house and started driving to Jane's apartment.
The streets were nearly empty so the ride was much short than its usual half an hour. Parking, as well as traffic, seemed to be on her side this morning and she parked right in front of Jane's apartment. Without bothering to pay the meter Maura walked up the stairs to Jane' apartment and knocked.
She knocked again.
And again.
Nothing.
Finally, worry over came her and she pulled out the key Jane had given her years ago and slid it into the lock and turned it. Neither the bolt nor the chain were locking the door, another bad omen. She scanned the room for a moment before her eyes landed on Jane and she saw, in the glare of the moonlight streaming in through the window that Jane was holding her own gun to her head.
At that moment Jane seemed to sense that someone else was there and she looked up and their eyes met "I can't do it anymore." Jane said, her voice low and quavering.
Walking slowly towards Jane Maura said "Do what?"
"Fight him."
Maura knew him to mean Hoyt "You can, I know you can." She tried to assure her friend.
Jane shook her head "No, I can't. I'm not as strong as I thought I was."
Maura placed her hand over Jane's and tried to pull the gun away from her but her grip was much too tight "Jane." Maura said "You don't have to do this. Give me the gun."
Jane turned her head slightly to look at Maura "Don't you get it? I can't fight it anymore. He's destroying me, he broke me."
"No." Maura said fiercely "Jane, he didn't break you. You are stronger than he is. Please give me the gun."
Jane shook her head "I don't have any other options."
"You do." Maura said "Let me take care of you, let me help you."
Jane's grip on the gun slackened for a moment and Maura seized the opportunity to wrench the gun from her best friends grip and set it on the counter, far out of Jane's reach. It took Jane a moment to realize that the gun was gone from her hands and when she did she whispered "I'm broken Maura, you can't fix this, you can't repair what he did to me."
Wrapping one arm around Jane's shoulders Maura said "I don't care."
"How am I supposed to move on when every time I close my eye eyes I'm back in that basement, I'm back being tortured by him?"
"It's only been three weeks, these things take time to heal." Maura said gently "You're expecting too much of yourself."
"I'm just not strong enough."
"Jane Rizzoli, that is a lie. You are the strongest woman I know and no man, sociopathic or not, can ever change that about you."
"Then why do I feel so weak?"
"Because you blame yourself for what happened. You think that it is your fault you entered that basement and some how you let Hoyt whack you over the head with a block of wood. You blame yourself for not fighting back when he had you pinned down to the floor by piercing your hands with scalpels. It's not your fault." Maura whispered in the top of Jane's head, which was now resting on her shoulder, the tears streaming, if possible, harder then when Maura had first found her.
They sat like that, Maura holding Jane and Jane allowing her self to be comforted, allowing herself to show her fears and terror to someone other than Joe Friday. Maura whispered soothing words and when Jane would slip into a flashback she talked her out of it, reminding her that she wasn't with him, he couldn't hurt her anymore. They sat like that until Jane fell asleep and Maura called in and said neither of them would be coming in today.
As Jane was grasped by another nightmare Maura whispered "I'm not going to leave you. You're not alone, Jane, Jane, you're with me." She paused then added "I love you."
I wrote this for darkemberdagger. It can be read as one shot or it can be read after Hands, doesn't matter. What are some people's New Years Resolutions?
Thanks,
AllOverTheWorld