Disclaimer: The Roswell characters belong to Jason Katims and associated companies. The story itself does belong to me. No copyright infringement intended.
Feedback: Lie to me. Or tell me the truth. Just write, will ya?
Note: Inspired by Mnemosyne's "Odysseus Unbound". And by the poster on Michael's wall in his apartment. And by the song "Outside", written and sung by Staind's Aaron Lewis, which I hear all the time on KROQ in LA. The song is on the 2000 Family Values Tour album.
outside
No one understood.
Not Max, not Isabel, and certainly not Maria.
No one understood that we have a mission on this world, and hooking up with the local population isn't part of it.
Max, our Great Leader, exposed us to more danger than he could have ever imagined by saving Liz Parker that day in the Crashdown. I like her well enough now, but by healing her that day on the floor on the dinner Max not only endangered the three of us, but possibly the fate of our world.
So here I am, hustling around town, delivering food from the Crashdown to this god-forsaken club, trying to concentrate on our life, our mission, what comes next. It is the only way I can not think about what how screwed-up my life is, with two thirds of our little group more likely to come to a club like this and party rather than run down clues about our hidden past.
If I think about the past and the future, I won't have to deal with the present. With my crappy job, with my crummy apartment, with ... with...
Maria.
With that silky blond hair, with that smooth soft skin, with those deep green eyes that I try not to fall into but do so anyway.
Sometimes when I was working the grill at the cafe, when I'm juggling five orders at a time and cursing under my breath, I can almost forget about her. But then she runs up to the window with another order or picking up a load of meals and hustling them off to the tables and I'm hit with such a wave of longing I sometimes feel like slamming my hand down on the grill to make it stop.
But I don't. Both for the obvious reasons (pain is bad, I can't heal myself that well, everyone would freak and attention is not a good thing) and for the deeper, instinctive reason - the longing for her is worst than any second degree burn would ever be.
That is why I'm so short-tempered with her, why I try to drive her off by being cold; why I have to shove my hands in pockets when I'm around her. Because I know that if I relent, if I let her past my guard, I would pull her up against me and never let go.
I drop the styrofoam boxes at the back counter and collect the money from the manager. I have to get back to the Crashdown; Maria has the night off and I have to help clean up. And even though I'm glad to not deal with the longings, with Maria not there I feel colder, like I can never feel warm unless I'm in her presence.
I counting the money again to make sure the tab is squared when I hear the guitar notes; although I'm more into rock and metal (pain, anger, loss - the story of my life), I like some of the softer stuff done by those groups I listen to. And even though I know that it's just a cover band playing here tonight, this music sounds pretty good.
Then I hear a voice.
And pain.
And longing.
And you bring me to my knees, again
All this time, that I can beg you please, yeah
All the times that I felt insecure, yeah
And I lift my burden out the door
Slowly my head turns toward the stage. I can see that the stage is darkened except for a spotlight shining on the singer and the guitarist that's backing her up.
All this time that I felt like this won't end
Was for you
And I taste what I could never have
It's from you
All those times that I tried, my intention, full of pride
And I waste more time than anyone
The voice of the singer was powerful beyond reason or logic; the words she produced were crystalline, clear and almost unbearably light.
As I moved from the counter onto the floor of the club I saw the face of the guitarist; Alex Whitman. With that recognition I almost froze. I knew who the female singer would be, and I didn't want it to be her. I didn't want to be the cause of all the ache and longing I was hearing in her voice. But I couldn't stop moving, not until I saw that blond hair, those green eyes, the face that haunted me at night.
But I'm on the outside
I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside you're ugly
You're ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you
I was the cause of this? Did I have so much sway over her life that the short amount of time we were together that I cause her to hurt, that I produced the brilliant shards of pain in her voice?
I have a mission. She knew that from the beginning and she still got together with me. She knew that one day I could go out the door and never come back, yet she still wanted to be with me.
Now her voice was higher, driving into me like a laser, cutting through what little emotional armor I have left. I had heard that some sounds caused vibrations that would shatter glass; is that what her voice was doing to me?
All the times, that I've cried
All this wasted, it's all inside
And I feel, all this pain, stuffed it down
It's back again
And I lie here in bed, all alone, I can't mend
And I feel tomorrow will be okay
Doesn't she know that I can't be attached, that I doing this for her good as well as mine? That she is better off not being a part of me?
But I know...
But I'm on the outside
I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside you're ugly
You're ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you...
Her voice drifts off along with the last guitar note; there is a moment of silence before the crowd erupts, jumping to their feet and screaming, cheering, clapping.
Maria stands there, a faint smile on her face, a tear slowly rolling down her face. Alex comes up behind her and hugs her, and Maria hugs him back before turning to face the still cheering crowd again.
I stand there motionless, trying to dealing with the roiling emotions inside me. Part of me wants to run up there and never let go; the other part of me wants to run out the door and keep going out the building, out of town, out of this galaxy because she would destroy my will, my duty to my world to complete my mission.
And then, as I'm standing there, I realize something that makes my heart nearly stop.
She can see me. She's standing there watching me watch her. She knew I was in the crowd and sang that song directly to me.
Hearing this song was to make me decide what I had to do. I could either join her onstage and be a part of her life or walk away from her forever. I could see it in her shining green eyes.
As we stood there, the only two motionless people in the room, I didn't want to make that choice. But this decision had to be made now.
What would I do?
end