I must shoulder my aloneness somehow, and begin to be nobler.
Sylvia Plath
Unrequited love stories never get happy endings.
x
Clarissa and Jace have been best friends for as long as they can remember. Their parents were next door neighbors, both mothers pregnant at the same time. People in the neighborhood used to gush in excitement, "That's a sign. If Celine and Jocelyn are friends, the two babies will never be separated."
For a while, they never did separate.
x
Clarissa was born a few minutes before Jace.
She never let him live it down.
x
Jocelyn gently pushed Jace away with a smile, "No, no. I have to braid Clarissa's hair."
Jace frowned and crossed his arms against his chest. He leaned closer to Clarissa. "But 'Rissa wants me to do it!"
Jocelyn laughed, delicately gathering her daughter's curls. "Do you know how to braid?"
Jace huffed and Clarissa stuck her tongue out at him, orbs crinkling.
x
"Ow!" Jace screamed, clutching his knee. They were outside, in Clarissa's backyard. The sun beat down on their bodies, the grass glistening from incoming rays.
Clarissa rushed over to him, immediately kneeling on the dry soil. "Jace!" Her green eyes were wide and afraid. She turned her head in the direction of the house. "Mom! Mom!" Jace was groaning softly now, the skin on his knee bleeding and peeled off. She grimaced at the sight.
She sniffled, the tip of her nose a rosy hue. "I told you not to climb the tree."
x
Jocelyn rinsed the dishes, placing them on a rack to dry. She sighed when she heard the sounds of her daughter's cries. Turning the faucet off, she dried her hands with a towel and sauntered to the living room.
Clarissa was sitting on the carpet, her head in her lap. Jocelyn's expression softened. "Oh, baby." She lifted her by the shoulders. "Jace is alright. I already told you. He was just bleeding. Celine called me; she told me he needed a bandaid. That's it."
Clarissa let out a breath. "But mom, it's my fault."
Jocelyn shook her head. "No. You guys were playing. Things like this happen."
Her daughter wiped her cheeks with tiny palms. "I love him..." She coughed. "A lot."
Jocelyn's mouth twitched. She patted Clarissa's head and replied with certainty, "I know."
x
They ran down the pavement and climbed the steps into the bus. Most of the seats were taken by giggling friends and companions. Clarissa grabbed onto Jace's arm in slight fear. She didn't know anybody in there. "Come on." Jace whispered to her and they trudged to the middle of the bus where no one was residing.
"Are we gonna be in the same class?" Clarissa asked urgently, whipping her face to meet his.
Jace shrugged, glancing curiously around at the other kids. "I don't know."
She pouted.
x
"Are you an alien?" A boy with brown hair sneered. He was leaning over his desk, his arms set on the wooden surface.
She scooted her chair away from him.
"Your hair is so weird. You should change it." Some girls laughed at that. The teacher still hadn't arrived yet and there were a few minutes of free time before class began.
Clarissa remained silent. To her relief, she caught a glimpse of Jace arriving in the room, his tawny waves flopping. He gave her a momentary grin before sliding into his chair.
That didn't stop the boy. "I feel bad for you. Does your whole family have hair like that?"
Jace's eyebrows knit. He rose up slightly from his seat. "What did you just say?" It came out angry and accusing.
"It's nothi-" She tried to assure him. All the students had gone silent, their faces drawn in interest.
The boy smirked. "I said, your friend is ugly."
x
Jace tackled him to the ground. A number of desks had collapsed in the process.
He didn't get to play recess for a week.
x
"No, Jace." She corrected him, grabbing his pencil from his grasp. They were sitting on her bed, their homework situated on the covers. Jace watched as she scribbled on his math worksheet. "You gotta carry the one. You see?"
He squinted. "Maybe." He took his pencil back. "Let me try."
x
"Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you..." The small group sang, their bodies swaying to the melody of their voices. A girl sat in the middle of the table, her auburn hair caught in a high ponytail. She gazed down at her chocolate cake, the flames of the candles igniting her pale skin.
When they concluded their song, it was Jace who stepped forward with a box in his hand. Celine rubbed his shoulder appreciatively, "He picked this out on his own."
Jace handed the package to her and she held it tenderly. "Thank you." Her cheeks were a bright crimson.
He rolled his eyes. "Open it, 'Rissa."
x
She can't pinpoint when it started exactly.
But Jace wasn't just her best friend. He was becoming something more.
x
She wrapped a towel around her hair, squeezing the water into the white cloth. The bathroom was filled with steam, clouding onto the mirror and blurring out her figure. She balanced the shampoo containers in her hands and stepped out to the hall, turning the knob to her bedroom.
She squealed in alarm and the shampoo fell to the hardwood. Jace was lounging on her bed, reading one of her novels. He peered up in amusement. "Didn't mean to scare you."
Clarissa flushed, trying to use her arms as shields to cover the bare parts of her body. The towel seemed too small now. "Don't you know how to knock?"
He left her copy of the Great Gatsby and stood up before her. He was a foot taller than her, despite them both being fifteen years of age. He had started working out months before and the results were beginning to display. His arms were muscled and his chest broad. No wonder he kept missing out on their movie nights; he was always lifting those stupid weights in his basement.
Jace winked. "Come on, 'Rissa. I'm not a stranger."
She scowled. "Yea, I know. You're a pervert."
To her disappointment, he laughed and closed most of the space between them. Water was still dripping down her back, cold and relentless. She could feel his heat. The possibility of his touch. Her voice was uneven. "Can you please leave? I need to change."
He must have noticed her nervousness for his eyes lit up. "Sure." He brought his hand downwards and grabbed at a loose strand of her hair. She watched as he twisted it around his index finger. She felt his breath, hot on her flesh. "I'll see you later."
When the door closed behind him, she released a shaking breath.
x
He tried out for varsity football.
In an attempt to join the same circles he was in, she signed up for the cheer squad.
x
She placed the phone closer to her ear. "What do you mean? I already told you we were watching a movie tonight."
She clutched onto her pillow tightly. "I don't get it. What are you doing that's so important?" She knew she sounded like a baby, but he wasn't understanding her.
Her mouth curled. "You have a date." It wasn't a question. Her face hardened.
"Okay. Have fun." She ended the call.
x
On her first period, he was in her room with a box of chocolates and a container of tissues. His expression was tentative, like he didn't know how to approach her.
Clarissa made a small noise in her throat. She had already swallowed some pain killers, but nothing was being eased. Jace made himself comfortable on the carpet in front of her bean bag. "Don't bite my head off, please." He mumbled, ripping open the plastic on the chocolates.
She hid a tired smile with her hand.
"So I'm going to have to do this every month, right?"
x
"Here. I made you this." She presented to him awkwardly, her knees almost shaking. Stop being an idiot. Act normal.
He pursed his lips and rose up from his bed. He set his phone down on his cabinet top. A few locks of his hair fluttered onto his forehead. Without thinking, she swept them aside delicately. He sighed, "I need to get my mom to trim my hair. It's getting too long." He looked from her to the canvas in his hands. "Did you make this?"
She waved her arms angrily. "Of course I did."
"Alright, alright." He was grinning lightly, the kind of grin that did mad things to her body.
He reached forward and embraced her. It was practically nothing. They always hugged.
Still, she reveled in his scent, the smell of cologne and cinnamon. He pulled away too soon, his skin leaving hers. She suddenly felt cold. She reminded herself to smile.
"Thank you." Then he punched her softly on the shoulder. "Now get out of my room."
x
They were on the football field. Practice had just ended and Clarissa was ready to change out of her cheerleading gear. "Clarissa!" It was Jace, running towards her, his pads still on. She slowed down for him, raising a hand to block out the sun's light.
"What is it?"
He shifted from one foot to another. Her eyebrows furrowed and she waited. "I was thinking..."
Her chest fluttered. Forget about the butterflies, there were lions gnawing at each other in her stomach.
Then he managed to spit out, "Jordon wanted to ask you out."
It was a hard fall back to earth.
x
They had one of their first serious arguments after that exchange.
"What's wrong with him? He's my friend." Jace paced around her in the kitchen.
Clarissa shoved the jar of peanut butter into a random drawer. "I don't care. I don't want to date him."
He took her wrist abruptly. "It's not like you have any other offers."
She sucked in a breath. He realized the weight of his words too late. "Look, 'Rissa. That's not what I meant."
He sounded sorry.
She snatched her arm away from him. "Then what did you mean? I don't want to date Jordon and that's it!"
Jace scoffed. "You're kidding. Then you must have someone else in mind, right?" His tone was sarcastic; everything he uttered was tearing her from the inside out.
"Yeah, I do." She retorted defiantly.
He raised an eyebrow, the gold in his eyes darkening. "Who?"
She fumbled for an answer and occupied herself with removing the crust on her bread. "It doesn't matter."
Jace stepped in front of her. There was no escaping now. His body towered over hers. He was amused. He thought she was lying. "Yes it does."
She muttered, "It's one-sided anyway."
"What?" He brought a finger to her chin. Made sure she was looking at him.
She gazed at the scar underneath his full lips. "You heard me. I like him. He doesn't like me."
He sighed, surprising her. His previous anger had vanished. "I'm sorry. I just wanted to look out for you."
The sincerity in his face made her want to cry.
It's you! I like you! I've loved you since forever!
All she did was nod.
He trekked out of the kitchen.
Before his figure left her vision, he stopped. "And Clary?"
She hummed back to him faintly.
"Whoever the guy is, if he doesn't like you back, he's an idiot."
x
He started to date Aline Penhallow, her best friend.
x
"'Rissa! I need your help." He was on his laptop scrolling through a website.
"What is it?" She asked, peering over his shoulder.
"Aline's birthday is in a week. I need to buy her a gift." He turned to face her and clasped his hands together. "Help me out." The desperation in his plea made her cringe.
She observed him fervently. She could never say no to him. His pink lips. His amber eyes. The cross on his chin. His long hair, alive and fair.
"Okay."
x
They graduated high school.
He kissed her on the cheek during the ceremony. "We finally fucking did it!"
She was too dizzy to respond coherently.
x
Words unsaid.
Feelings not felt.
Hearts not reached.
x
It was during a college party that she revealed everything she had hidden inside.
x
She wasn't drunk.
She was fully sober.
x
Aline couldn't attend the party. She had a job interview to prepare for that night.
x
They were surrounding the ping pong table. The party consisted of about thirty people, packages of cheap beer, and tiny packets of weed.
Clarissa only came to the party after Jace had begged her to.
"Come on. Live a little."
x
"What the hell was that, dude?" Jace shouted, calling to one of his pals. He was laughing quietly. "Do even know how to play ping pong?"
The guy dismissed Jace's question with a wave of his hand.
Jace took a long sip of his beer. His arm rested on her shoulder. "See that dude over there?" He told her over the sound of booming music.
She glanced around at the swaying bodies. It was difficult finding anyone in the darkness. "Why?" She asked.
He smirked. "He told me he thinks you're cute."
Her face fell. "I don't care."
Jace took it as bait. He put down his bottle on a random table. "Clary, you gotta date. Hook up. You can't be like this forever." He tugged her close to him, so close she could make out every angle of his body.
His mouth tickled her ear. "Trust me. Don't you trust me?"
Perhaps it was in the moment. Or it was the adrenaline pumping through her. Or the sour smell of weed floating around. Or the smoke. Or the dim lights.
Either way.
She kissed him.
x
It was rough and sudden and lovely.
For a few seconds, he was caught off guard. And then he kissed her back.
And then he wrenched away from her.
And he said, "What the fuck, Clarissa?!"
x
She ran out of the dorm.
She walked around the campus.
She cried for hours.
I'm so stupid. How could I be so stupid?
x
He didn't call her.
He didn't text her.
x
She took the initiative.
She sent him a message that read:
It was you all along. You. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
x
No response.
x
The next weekend, she went back home.
She sobbed into her mother's robe.
And Jocelyn whispered soothingly, "It wasn't you, baby. It'll be alright."
x
She didn't want to go back to college.
Yet she knew she had to. Exams couldn't be passed themselves.
She squared her shoulders and ventured through the entrance doors.
x
They didn't interact for weeks.
x
On the last day of before the conclusion of the semester, she received a text. It was short.
Wait for me.
x
[a/n]: Review guys. It's a one-shot. So, you guys might be a little mad at me. You've got to do the interpretations yourself.
Merry Christmas to all of you angels.
I hope, if you are in pain, that you mend.
I hope, if you are alone, that you gain companions.
I hope, if you are hungry, you receive food.
I hope, if you are cold, you get a warm hug.
I hope, if you are in love, you get loads of kisses and hugs and compliments.
I hope, if you are seeking, you will find.
Above all else, have a great 2019. May you read on harmoniously.