Many thanks to Melora's Daughter and DailyProphetEditor, for their willingness to chat at length with me about topics ranging from Shakespeare to Harry Potter. This story would never have been written without your encouragement.

I hereby disavow any present or future accusations that I am attempting to claim the rights to Harry Potter. (Or to Shakespeare, for that matter, but I don't think he'll try to sue me for copyright infringement.)

The Faculty Production

1. Dramatis Personae

Some days, Severus Snape really hated his job.

Well, actually, most days Severus hated his job. After all, students really were the bane of his existence (albeit, they were rather fun to terrorize). But things at Hogwarts always got just a bit too out-of-hand whenever Albus Dumbledore came up with some harebrained idea and expected his staff to follow along.

Severus sighed and reread for the umpteenth time the neon orange sign that was posted on the bulletin board in the staff room.

Attention!

For the general enjoyment of all students and teachers at Hogwarts, I have decided that we shall do a faculty production. The play we shall be performing is Macbeth, by William Shakespeare. All teachers, ghosts, and poltergeists will be required to audition in the Headmaster's Office between the hours of 6 PM and 9 PM tonight.

I look forward to seeing everyone there!

Albus

Severus groaned inwardly.

'What's new today, Severus?' asked Pomona Sprout, peering over Severus's shoulder to see the staff bulletin board. Although Severus had not turned around, he could almost feel her frown. 'A school play?'

'Yes, a school play,' he replied grumpily. 'And not only that, a faculty play.'

'I beg your pardon?'

Severus finally turned and faced his colleague, who, not to his surprise, looked stricken.

'Yes, a faculty play,' he repeated, sneering slightly. 'Which means, Pomona, you and I will be forced against our will to go before all of our students, and recite silly lines. Not to mention we might be requested to do a multitude of ridiculous dances and songs and other nonsensical things. I need not say how much embarrassment this could potentially cause everyone.'

'What?' Pomona's jaw dropped slightly as she imagined a multitude of rather awkward scenarios that all involved the teachers of Hogwarts doing some silly song-and-dance routine up on a stage while their students laughed uproariously from the audience. 'What kind of play is this, anyway?' she asked frantically, scanning the announcement. 'Macbeth,' she read with a frown. 'What does that mean?'

'You've never heard of Macbeth?' Irma Pince, the school librarian, had joined the group of teachers and was staring at Severus, shocked. 'Or, as I suppose we should call it, "the Scottish play"? Now, really, Severus, it's a play that everyone should read – full of drama, and excitement, and magic…'

'Exactly all the things that our lives lack at Hogwarts,' sneered Severus, eliciting a snort of amusement from Pomona.

'Ooh, a faculty production!' exclaimed Rolanda Hooch, who had just entered the staff room and had immediately gone over to her colleagues to see what all the fuss was about.

'No need to sound so excited,' grumbled Pomona.

'Macbeth,' read Rolanda. 'Sounds… interesting. Everyone's going to get to be in it?'

'Apparently,' sighed Pomona. 'I don't think that Albus is going to let anyone slide on this. Minerva!'

Minerva McGonagall had been dozing off in a chair at the long table of the staff room, but jerked awake at the sound of her name. 'What?' she yawned, blinking several times in a rather feline manner.

'You'd better come read this if you haven't already – Albus is going to force us to be in a play.'

'Good for you,' mumbled Minerva, on the verge of dropping back off to sleep.

'Oh, wake up, Minerva,' scolded Pomona, crossing to the table and shooting a jet of water at Minerva's face from the end of her wand. Minerva jumped in her seat and hissed menacingly.

'In the name of Merlin, Pomona, if you ever try to wake me up like that again, I'll…'

'Yes, yes, curse me into oblivion, I know,' said Pomona in a bored voice. 'Listen, what are we going to do?'

'About what?' asked Minerva, drying her glasses off on the edge of her robes.

'About the play!'

Minerva frowned. 'What play?'

'Stop being dense, Minerva, I just told you that Albus is requiring the faculty to audition for a school play.'

Minerva blinked. 'Oh, he's requiring us, is he? Well, I know I certainly have enough marking to take up any free time I might have had for this sort of nonsense. I for one refuse to partake in this madness.' Minerva stood up with the full intention of storming to her classroom so she could go back to sleep for a few minutes, but before she had taken two steps towards the door, the other teachers assembled stopped her.

'Oh, please Minerva, don't fool yourself into thinking you'll get out of this…'

'When was the last time any of us were able to weasel our way out of one of Albus's schemes?'

'Besides, Minerva, according to Irma it's "the Scottish play," so it looks as if you'll have to teach all of us how to speak with a good Scottish brogue, not to mention help us learn to play the bagpipes and stitch tartan kilts together…'

'Shut up, Severus,' muttered Minerva as she pushed through the crowd and nearly knocked over Remus Lupin as she sped through the staff room door.

'Good morning,' said Remus distractedly to his remaining colleagues as he watched Minerva stomp irritably down the hallway. 'Has something happened that I should know about?'

Everyone pointed to the bulletin. Remus read it quietly through once, and then smiled faintly.

'Well, this ought to be fun.'

'See, finally someone agrees with me!' exclaimed Rolanda, clapping Remus on the back and glaring at her colleagues with her hawk-like eyes. 'Come on, Pomona, Severus, this won't be as bad as you expect, I'm sure of it!'

'How much are you willing to bet?' muttered Severus under his breath.

'Severus, I'd stop worrying about it if I were you,' said Remus reasonably. 'I think it would probably be wisest if we all stopped fretting about this production and instead focused on our classes until this evening, agreed?'

There was a general mumble of consent from all the teachers, except for Severus who shot Remus a look of pure loathing.

'Excellent.' Remus poured some tea into a mug and took a sip, still smiling. 'See everyone at lunch, then?'

By lunchtime, all of the teachers at Hogwarts had seen Albus's luridly-coloured announcement, and everyone was reacting differently. Rolanda was delighted when she discovered that Aurora Sinistra, Charity Burbage, and Septima Vector were all at least as excited as she was; Rubeus Hagrid flushed red at the thought of acting and muttered something about hoping he didn't have too many lines; Filius Flitwick, always the optimist, took the whole matter in stride and declared that surely some staff bonding would come out of the experience; and Irma had spent the entire morning rereading the play in the library.

Even Sybill Trelawney had come down from her Tower, and could be heard prophesizing that the play was sure to be full of dark and dreadful things to anyone who would listen to her (which was very few people, as most of the staff had asked Irma what exactly the plot was about and already knew that the play encompassed a few murders, a case of madness, a suicide, and a rather bloody battle).

Minerva sighed as she sat down at the staff table next to Pomona, who was thoroughly engrossed in a conversation about Shakespeare with the Fat Friar.

'Ah, yes, his plays were all the rage when I was alive,' sighed the ghost nostalgically. 'I remember how much my friends and I loved the character of Friar Laurence in Romeo and Juliet – absolutely tickled we were that the man had included a friar in one of his plays! I do hope that Dumbledore will agree to let us ghosts be in the play – I've heard that Nick was known for his dramatic performances in his day, he'd be pleased…'

'But there won't be any dance routines?' asked Pomona anxiously.

'Oh, no, of course not,' said the Friar, looking scandalised at the very thought. 'In some of Shakespeare's lighter comedies, maybe, but nothing as serious as Macbeth. I do believe there might be one dance for the witches, but I'm sure you'll be able to convince Dumbledore to cut it out – productions always cut scenes from Shakespeare, otherwise the plays would be five hours long, and that particular scene really isn't necessary anyway…'

'Oh good,' said Pomona, sitting back with a satisfied smile on her face.

'Don't tell me you're convinced that this is a good idea now,' said Minerva in disbelief.

'Well, it certainly seems as though it will be a lot less painful than I had thought,' Pomona replied calmly.

'Wonderful,' muttered Minerva to herself. 'It appears that the only people in this entire castle besides myself who have enough sense to be against this idea are Severus Snape and Sybill Trelawney, and that is not at all a comforting thought.'

The staff of Hogwarts filed into the Headmaster's Office promptly at 6 o'clock that evening and silently took a seat in the chairs that had appeared against the wall of the circular room. Rolanda, Charity, Aurora, and Septima were still all talking excitedly amongst themselves and kept asking an increasingly irritated Irma questions about the plot and the characters.

'Well, I know I want to go out for Lady Macbeth,' whispered Septima to Charity, who nodded in agreement. 'I mean, she's the catalyst for the whole plot, and she's the only real female part…'

'And don't forget, she has to be rather intimidating and commanding,' Charity reminded her, 'which I think I could handle…'

Severus snorted – he had never seen anyone less intimidating and commanding than Charity Burbage, who had the annoying tendency to burst into tears every time she heard the word 'Mudblood' uttered. As a matter of fact, Severus could not remember having seen any of his female colleagues acting in an intimidating and commanding manner… well, except for Rolanda, but only when she was getting really worked up over a Quidditch match. He glanced over to where the Fat Friar was talking animatedly to the Grey Lady, who looked most unimpressed with whatever he was saying, and, in a moment of schadenfreude, Severus hoped very much that the Grey Lady got the part of Lady Macbeth over any of his ridiculous colleagues.

In a flash of lavender robes, Albus Dumbledore burst into his office from the side door that lead to his chambers. Almost instantly, the four giggling witches fell silent.

'Excellent! I'm so glad to see that all of you took my notice seriously!' Albus beamed at his staff, apparently oblivious to the disgusted look on Argus Filch's face. 'As I'm sure you all are aware, I have decided that, for the sake of faculty bonding, as well as for the amusement of the students, we shall be putting on a faculty production of William Shakespeare's play Macbeth. Now, this play is known not only for its beautiful language and intense drama, but also for its enigmatic and fascinating characters – and therefore, casting must be done very carefully so as to achieve the greatest possible dramatic effect.'

'Sir?' Rolanda piped up, raising her hand in the air as if she had forgotten that she was no longer a student. 'Are you going to have us audition in front of the entire staff, or one by one in a less… exposed place?' A number of other teachers, obviously worried about their reputations, murmured their preference for the latter option.

'You will be auditioning in the middle of this room, Rolanda,' said Albus amidst a chorus of sighs and groans, 'but I assure you that none of the assembled will hear a word you say, including myself.'

Before Rolanda could even open her mouth to ask how that would be possible, Albus waved his wand; from the corner of the room zoomed a wooden stool that positioned itself in the centre of the room, and on top of it landed the patched and frayed Sorting Hat.

'I have discussed the matter with the Hat,' explained Albus, 'and given it the play to read.' (Remus smiled in amusement as he imagined the Headmaster tearing pages out of a book and stuffing them into the bottom of the Sorting Hat for the Hat to peruse.) 'When your names are called, each of you will sit on the stool and place the Hat on your head. The Hat will then match your personality and your acting abilities to a role in the play. To make things fair, I will insist that the Hat's decision be final – the trading of roles would undoubtedly lead to many heated arguments and other such problems.'

Severus could have sworn that Albus's eyes had twinkled in the direction of Rolanda, Septima, Charity, and Aurora as he made this last statement.

'And so, without further ado, let the auditions begin! Aurora, would you like to go first?'

Minerva could not help but wonder exactly what the Hat was looking for. Each of her colleagues only spent a few seconds wearing the Hat before they rose from the stool, some looking a bit dazed, others looking relieved, Remus looking quite pensive. The ghosts had a few problems trying to get the Hat to stay on at first, and compromised by sticking their heads through its side. Peeves, on the other hand, spent his entire ten seconds on the stool wiggling his toes and sticking out his tongue in glee, and Minerva was quite sure he was mentally making suggestions to the Hat for the lyrics of the next Sorting's song (which she desperately hoped the Hat would have enough sense to ignore).

To her surprise, the person who spent the most time on the stool before the Hat gave him leave to go was Severus Snape – the hat took nearly a full half-minute to assess the Potion Master's abilities.

'You weren't using Occlumency, were you?' whispered Minerva as he threw himself into the chair next to her that Poppy Pomfrey had just vacated.

'Of course not,' snapped Severus, 'why on earth would I waste my time using Occlumency against the bloody Sorting Hat?'

Finally, it was Minerva's turn. Feeling peculiarly nervous, Minerva placed the Hat on her head and sat down on the wooden stool. She could not shake off the sensation that she was again eleven years old and being Sorted into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry…

'You're not the only one, of course,' said the Hat's small voice in her ear, 'nearly all of the other teachers have felt the exact same way about the situation. And no, I was not 'idly wasting my time chit-chatting with Severus Snape' when I took all that time to assess him.'

Minerva sighed impatiently – she had forgotten how irritating mind-reading hats could be.

'Oh, pull yourself together Miss McGonagall,' chided the Hat. 'And for goodness sake, no matter how much you order me to stop reading your mind, I can't very well cease and desist, you know that…'

Minerva could not remember ever having been so furious with a piece of headwear by the time she pulled the Sorting Hat off of her head a minute later.

The last person to put the Hat on was Albus Dumbledore himself. He sat with the Hat covering his eyes and a serene smile on his face for a full three minutes, and Minerva would not have been at all surprised if he was taking the time to discuss with the Hat every gritty detail of its monotonous life before he took it off. Holding the Hat by its tattered tip, Albus tapped the side of the Sorting Hat with his wand, and out of the bottom fell a long piece of parchment. No one moved as Albus carefully placed the Sorting Hat back on the shelves behind his desk. The Headmaster took a minute to read the cast list to himself, his mouth flickering into a smile every now and then. Finally, he cleared his throat and read out loud:

'Macbeth: Dramatis Personae

Duncan, king of Scotland – Albus Dumbledore

Malcolm, Duncan's oldest son – Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington

Donalbain, Duncan's second-oldest son – Cuthbert Binns

Banquo, a Scottish general – Remus Lupin

Fleance, Banquo's son – Septima Vector

Ghost of Banquo – Bloody Baron

Macduff, a Scottish lord – Filius Flitwick

Lady Macduff – Pomona Sprout

Macduff's son – Septima Vector

Lennox, a Scottish lord – Charity Burbage

Ross, a Scottish lord – Aurora Sinistra

Siward, a British general – Rubeus Hagrid

Young Siward – Septima Vector

Seyton, Macbeth's servant – Septima Vector

A doctor – Fat Friar

A sergeant – Septima Vector

A porter – Sybill Trelawney

Two murderers – Argus Filch & Peeves the Poltergeist

Three witches – Rolanda Hooch, Poppy Pomfrey & Irma Pince

Gentlewoman – Grey Lady'

Here Albus paused for a minute to build the suspense, but all eyes were already on the two teachers who had not yet been cast.

'Macbeth – Severus Snape

Lady Macbeth – Minerva McGonagall'