Random thoughts about Mulder's beliefs about God. I just watched Revelations and was somewhat inspired. It is kind of rambling and doesn't have much of a point but I hope you enjoy it nonetheless.
Disclaimer: I don't own the X Files
Happy Fictober!
Not Alone
Sunday's were the most boring day of the week for young Fox Mulder. All of his friends would go to church and spend the day with their family while he would be sitting at home, alone, doing nothing.
Sure he could sleep in but the rest of the day was boring. It got much worse after Samantha disappeared. At least before he had her to play with but after he just sat around and questioned why God would take Samantha, and why there was nothing good on the TV on Sundays.
Sunday's were just as boring as an adult, at least when he wasn't on a case. When they were not traveling Scully would go to mass and usually went out with her mother afterwards. Mulder, on the other hand, usually did side investigations and watched porn.
Technically his mother was Jewish and his father was Lutheran but they didn't discuss religion at home. As a child his parents brushed off questions about God. It was his grandmother on his mother's side who would tell he and Samantha Old Testament stories. When they went to their grandparent's house around Christmas time their grandmother would always let them help light the Menorah. At Passover she would have Samantha ask the Four Questions before she disappeared.
After the loss of his sister Mulder didn't like the Bible stories his grandmother would tell and he had no interest in lighting the Menorah or asking the Four Questions. To him God was either not real or didn't care either way he was alone.
As an adult he considered himself to be more Agnostic than Atheist because he found that there were so many things that couldn't be explained. Not that he thought they could be explained by God, just that he was unwilling to rule out that possibility.
Scully's faith in God was somewhat endearing but also frustrated him to no end. He hated that she could believe in a magical being in the sky but refused to believe in Extraterrestrials or half of his ideas.
He had seen her in prayer before and was entranced. He found her in an old church bathed in the multicolored light that shown through the stained glass. She was beautiful with her head bowed, eyes closed, and a lock of hair hanging in her face. Mulder felt that he could watch her forever. No one else was around but she didn't seem lonely. He wondered why when ever he thought of God he felt more alone than ever but for her she seemed at peace.
When she opened her eyes and saw him the spell was broken.
She blushed and seemed uncomfortable. Scully did not like to talk about faith with him not because disagreed with her but because she felt belittled when they argued about it.
He didn't mean to belittle her about it but he found it so odd every time.
Mulder hadn't prayed for years until Scully's cancer diagnosis. After that he would spend hours begging God to take him instead. He made promises to God. Mulder promised that he would go to church, that he would believe, that he would end his search. The most painful one that he considered making was that he would distance himself from Scully. Maybe without his negative influence God would heal her. But he wasn't strong enough to make that promise. He couldn't give her up because then he would have no one.
The odd thing was that even after she was healed he went back to his normal relationship with God, or lack thereof.
The first time he and Scully have sex he swears he sees God. Her tenderness softens him every day they are together, with each kiss he feels less detached.
Later their son is further proof of a higher being in his mind. Looking into little William's face he feels like the child in his arms could unlock the mysteries of the universe.
Mulder knows that he will never be sure if there is a God or not but he does know that there is a Scully and a William. He knows that he doesn't need to be alone.