The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own GI Joe has gone off to practice some Kung Fu moves somewhere. Just another mad, mad idea from my mad, mad mind!"
Know Your Joe: Quick Kick
"What are all of you doing?" Beach Head walked into the recreation room.
Several Joes were sitting around watching television. "We're composing the latest concerto for the Boston Pops," Shipwreck said sarcastically. "What do you think we're doing?"
"Not that there's anything good on," Flint sighed.
"Hello out there in TV Land! It's time once again for everybody's favorite program Know Your Joe!" Quick Kick was on TV.
"See what I mean?" Flint sighed.
"My buddy Short Fuse is out on a mission this week so it's just me! And boy are we gonna have some fun on this show tonight!" Quick Kick beamed.
"Yeah, when we turn off the TV!" Shipwreck shouted.
"The man still hasn't learned has he?" Roadblock groaned. "Another one of these stupid things we gotta see!"
"You know Roadblock you don't have to rhyme all the time," Beachhead said.
"Why? It's not a crime," Roadblock said.
"Some days I wish you'd become a mime," Beachhead grumbled. "Oh crap! Now you got me doing it!"
"Who is he going to do this time?" Flint asked.
"And why? I mean we all agreed that the next time he tried it we'd help the guy beat the snot out of either of those nut jobs if they did this again," Low Light said. "So who would he possibly dare to do?"
"And now the Joe we're all going to learn more about, you know you want to is…ME!" Quick Kick said cheerfully. A picture of him was shown behind him. "Oh this is so unexpected! I can't believe this is happening!"
"He's not the only one," Alpine groaned.
"I believe Quick Kick has found a loophole to that little agreement," Airtight remarked.
"Well it's original I have to admit," Flint blinked.
"I just wish he'd get the hint and quit," Beachhead said. "AGGGH! Not again I mean…This is the fault of that nit wit! AAGGGH!"
"No need to throw a fit," Dial Tone said.
"We gotta be nuts to watch this…" Low Light stopped himself. "Garbage."
"So here is all you need to know about MacArthur S. Ito," Quick Kick smiled. "Namely me! Here I am as a baby! Aren't I cute? Look at that picture!" A picture of him as a baby was shown. "I can't help it! Even then I was adorable!"
"Even then he was annoying," Low Light grumbled.
"I was born to humble grocery store owners in Watts," Quick Kick went on. "My father was Japanese and my mother was Korean. Apparently they met in the war. Unfortunately this was long before the era of cultural diversity and I didn't exactly fit in with all the gangs running around. In fact I was a favorite target."
"And the trend continues…" Shipwreck said. "Some things never change."
"Since I was too short for basketball my parents signed me up for both martial art classes and acting classes to keep me out of trouble," Quick Kick said.
"Didn't work," Alpine said. "Probably got his butt kicked in both classes!"
"I am now a black belt in many different styles of martial arts," Quick Kick smiled. "I am a master of Tae Kwan Do, Go Ju Ryo, Wing Chun, Southern Praying Mantis Kung Fu, Northern Screaming Monkey Kung Fu, Eastern Flying Crane Kung Fu and the Western art of kick butt!"
"I'm no expert but I think he made one or two of those styles up," Bazooka blinked.
"Well he did watch that animated panda movie twelve times in a row last week," Shipwreck said.
"No wonder his social life is so bleak," Beach Head said. "Darn it! I did it again!"
"Before joining GI Joe I was a well renowned stuntman. I have also made my cinematic footprint on many low budget action movies!" Quick Kick grinned. "Here I am as Zombie Ninja Number Two in the classic thriller: Zombie Ninjas Attack! See that's me getting my head kicked off."
"Great idea," Low Light quipped. "Maybe then his mouth will stop moving."
"I had a bigger role in the sequel: Zombie Ninja High! I played a Zombie Ninja Gym teacher that killed delinquents with dodge balls!" Quick Kick said. "Oh here's my one speaking line! It's a classic!"
"UGGGGGHHHHHHHH!" Quick Kick made up as a zombie and throwing a dodge ball.
"Yup, goes right up there with Shakespeare," Shipwreck said sarcastically.
"I'm going to kick that moron right in the rear," Beachhead said. "AGGH! Not again!"
"And here I am again reprising that same role in Zombie Ninja Teachers of Doom!" Quick Kick showed a clip of himself as a zombie chasing a scantily clad cheerleader on a balance beam. "And Zombie Ninjas Go On Vacation!"
A shot of Zombie Quick Kick chasing a bikini clad blonde with a whole bunch of other zombies. "And who can forget that classic scene in Zombie Ninjas Invade A Nudist Colony?" A shot of zombie ninjas chasing nude girls with black bars over certain areas of their bodies. "I admit it. I didn't do these films for the money. In fact, I actually paid the producer so I could be in that last one!"
"Who do we pay to wire his jaw shut?" Low Light grumbled.
"I say we sick on him Junkyard and Mutt!" Beachhead said. "I can't stop myself! Somebody help me!"
"I'll help you for a fee," Shipwreck said.
"Knock it off Shipwreck! Let the man be," Flint said.
"I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE!" Beachhead ran out of the room. "LET ME OUT THE DOOR! AAAAHHHHH!"
"Is it me or is it a lot easier to make Beachhead snap like a twig?" Dial Tone asked.
"It's not you that is true," Roadblock shrugged. "But about this garbage what are we going to do?"
"And here's me playing Peter Pan in my middle school production of my one man show Whiter Neverland!" Quick Kick smiled. "Which we are going to see all three hours of! I was able to bribe my principal into putting it on for the entire school when I caught him and his secretary playing Captain Hook and the Naughty Mermaid in the janitor's closet! That was part of my inspiration actually…"
"I know what I'm inspired to do," Low Light growled. "Where's my gun?"
"Now that sounds like fun," Shipwreck grinned.
"This week's angry mob riot has begun," Alpine quipped as they all got up and prepared to beat the stuffing out of Quick Kick.
"I'll be glad when these stupid one shots of his are done," Dial Tone remarked.