Evil Angel
Often the test of courage is not to die,
But to live
~Vittorio Alfieri
I think a part of me has always wanted to die.
I'm not sure when it started, exactly—before my life as a vampire, before my life as a hunter, or before my life as a living thing. But now, as sure as I exist, I know a part of me wants to die.
My beautiful, Bloody Rose—you would end my life for me, without a moment's hesitation, if I asked, wouldn't you? It pulses hungrily in my jacket, not quite alive, but not quite inanimate, either.
For a long time, there has always been two different parts of me—and yet, they can often come to a strange, twisted compromise.
The vampire wants to kill humans, and take their blood; the hunter wants to kill vampires, and watch them scream in their final judgment as they burn at my feet. They both want to kill. The vampire wants to bring chaos; the hunter, order. They both want control.
The vampire wants to take Yuki's blood. The hunter, to kill her.
They both want her.
My room is small, not unlike the one I occupied in the Academy. But here, I am so very alone. I spend my days in a fevered delirium, unable to hunt my prey both vampire and hunter yearn for. Occasionally I go to class, thinking that the company of other living things will bring me back to that place where I was, that place of denial. It never does. I keep trying anyway.
By night, I am what I was meant to be: not hunter, not vampire, but some strange hybrid I can't quite make sense of. The bloodlust enters my head and stays there; I come "home", and it invades my mind. My dreams are covered in a layer of blood. I relive my path of destruction in the morning and moan, knowing I'll get to do it again.
I love my job.
But throughout this stained existence, there is most definitely a part of me that wants to stop. I know I'll never stop. So it is this part of my mind that wants to die. And if I could, I would kill it in a heartbeat.
It makes itself known at first light; when I am collapsed in my bed, the sheets tangled around me in an unrecognizable mess, sometimes ripped in places where my fantasies have taken complete control of my body. They say it's darkest just before the dawn, and they're probably right; but the darkness is a beautiful void I lose myself in. It offers its hand to me, promising dreams of horror and, of course, blood. I take it immediately, and enter my world.
But then, that first break of dawn streams through my window, and it's a new day. Suddenly, the bloodlust doesn't seem so satisfying; the darkness is not what I want anymore. I come to the sudden realization that my mind, my life, my entire world is drenched in blood, and I can't quite pinpoint when I allowed that to happen. All I know is that I cannot remove the stains.
Her voice, at this moment, enters my mind. Zero, it whispers to me, why are you doing this?
Because I have to, I answer silently. Because this is my world.
But, she persists, it's not what you really want. You don't want to kill.
Oh, yes I do, Yuki. You know that better than anyone.
I do know you better than anyone. That's why I know you don't want this.
This is what you left me with. This is my reality. I can't escape it.
Because you're not trying.
And it is this final comment that I know I want to die. I'm tired of this life, this world, this reality, and a click of my gun would be all it took. It was so incredibly easy to escape.
Then the light moves, just a slight shift, through my window, and the moment passes. Ichiru's voice replaces hers, and I am back. But that part, that little voice in my head that doesn't quite fit with the others, it stays, rotting a part of my subconscious until it's so twisted that all it wants to do is die.
I wonder if it will spread. And someday, maybe all of me will want to die.
I look forward to that day.
Yeah, it's super short. I wrote it on a whim and meant to continue it, but meh. I like where I ended it.
Want to write an angsty monlogue? Write it from Zero's point of view. I love how complex Zero is, though. He's fun to write.
Reviews appreciated! Constructive criticism encouraged.
SNK