A/N: This is a parody of Severus Snape. What would his life look like if
there wasn't a thing called Memory Charm? You will see. I wrote this in a
rather giggly mood in the dead of night. So beware my quirky humour. Please
review!!! *grovel, grovel* I'm glad about every comment! And now enjoy
reading!
Disclaimer: You know it already: I â€" own â€" nothing. Apart from the crazy ideas. ;)
The Usefulness of Memory Charms
In an impressive way Snape strode into his Potions class, and began dramatically: "You are here to learn the subtle science and exact art of Po â€" ARGH!"
SPLAT! Snape lay spread-eagled and face down on the floor. He had tripped over his own robes. The class howled with laughter.
"One more sound and I'll forget myself!", Snape snarled from the floor.
***
"Just the man", said Snape. "The very man. A girl has been snatched by the monster, Lockhart. Taken into the Chamber of Secrets itself. Your moment has come at last. But before you go let me ask you one question. Just in case you don't come out there alive and I don't get another chance to ask you â€" could you tell me what brand of shampoo you use for your hair?"
"W-What?"
"The name of your shampoo, NOW!" He pointed threateningly his wand at Lockhart.
"H-Helmsman's Hair Care Potion ..."
"Thank you! You may go."
***
A long black snake shot out of Draco's wand, fell heavily onto the floor and raised itself, ready to strike.
Snape squealed and jumped behind Lockhart.
"D-Do you think it's dangerous?", he whispered, biting his nails in worry.
***
Snape cried: "Expelliarmus!" There was a dazzling flash of scarlet light, Snape flew backwards and smashed into the wall. He had pointed the wrong end of his wand at Lockhart.
***
Colin fumbled for his camera and took a picture of Lockhart and Harry, as the bell rang, signalling the start of afternoon classes. Suddenly Snape came by.
"Well, wanna take a picture of me too?" Snape asked Colin, flashing a big, toothy smile.
"No, thank you, Sir. The bell just rang. I have to go to my class."
"You stupid, conceited prat!", Snape shouted, stamping his foot. "Who do you think you are!"
And added with a pout, staring after Colin: "Just why doesn't anyone like me...?"
***
INVISIBILITY CLOAK FIRST TRY:
Lupin was lowering his wand. Next moment, he had walked over to Black and embraced him like a brother.
"I DON'T BELIEVE IT!", Hermione screamed.
"That's right", sneered a cold voice from behind them. Severus Snape was pulling off the Invisibility Cloak.
"Oh â€" sorry guys!", he said apologetically. "Didn't want to spoil that really touching moment of the display of your mutual affection. I'll come back later, shall I?" He retreated discreetly behind the door.
***
There was a small pop and Trevor the tadpole was wriggling in Snape's palm. It slipped through his fingers and fell right into the Shrinking Solution beneath. "Ooops!", said Snape.
"TREVOR!" Neville burst into tears. "We'll never find him again in there!", he wailed.
"There, there, boy! Take a tissue. I'll buy you a new toad, alright? Just stop the crying. I can't bear it when people are weeping in my presence..." Snape whined, his own eyes brimming with tears at the sight of the unhappy Neville.
***
"Today we shall discuss â€" werewolves", said Snape. "You will all turn to page three hundred and ninety-four. Now!" Then he added with an excited expression: "By the way, what I wanted to ask you â€" did that vulture hat suit me?"
***
"Orange, Longbottom", said Snape. "Orange. Tell me, boy, just HOW did you do that?? I've never figured out how to make it turn orange." He pointed excitedly at the instructions for the Shrinking Solution in his book where it stated clearly that the Potion should turn a bright orange. "Mine always turns green ..." he muttered with a pout.
***
INVISIBILITY CLOAK SECOND TRY:
"So that's why Snape doesn't like you", said Harry slowly, "because he thought you were in on the joke?"
"That's right", sneered a cold voice from behind them. Severus Snape was pulling off the Invisibility Cloak, throwing a poisonous look at Lupin. "I'll never forgive him that he ripped up my teddy bear in this shack in 1971!"
***
"Severus", said Dumbledore, "you know what I must ask you to do. If you are ready ... if you are prepared ..."
"NOOOO ...!!!" Snape howled. Like a maniac he jumped at Dumbledore, seized him at the front of his robes and shook him like mad. "I don't want to stamp the letters for the members of the Old Crowd!!", he shrieked. "Give me a proper task!"
"Well, alright, Severus, alright", Dumbledore choked terrified. "You can turn spy again if you absolutely want to."
"THANK YOU, HEADMASTER!", cried Snape, kissing Dumbledore's feet.
***
"...don't see what there is to fuss about, Igor. The Mark is getting clearer, all very well. But, you know, you should distract yourself from this a bit. How about dancing for example? Just the two of us ... we could go into the Great â€"" he stopped at the sight of Karkaroff who was gaping at him open-mouthed, his eyes wide with horror. "Oh, well, then not ..." Snape said sulkily.
***
"... but unless you watch your step, Potter , you might just find that my hand sli â€" WHAAA!" He dropped the bottle with Veritaserum and the glass broke while the contents splashed right into Snape's face. He couldn't help swallowing some of it.
"... ah, Potter, know what? That last night with Trelawney â€" she said I actually look SEXY in leather pants ..."
Harry gaped.
***
"Harry Potter's Secret Heartache. A boy like no other perhaps ......... Harry Potter's well-whishers must hope that, next time, he bestows his heart upon a worthier candidate ... Oh, Harry ... that ... that is so saaaad!", Snape blubbered and pulled the horrified Harry into a tight hug.
***
"Be warned Potter. If you make one more night-time stroll into my office and cause me so much trouble again...", Snape began threateningly.
"Trouble?" Harry asked in astonishment.
"Well, I had to change the password of the door afterwards, didn't I?", said Snape with a reproachful look.
Disclaimer: You know it already: I â€" own â€" nothing. Apart from the crazy ideas. ;)
The Usefulness of Memory Charms
In an impressive way Snape strode into his Potions class, and began dramatically: "You are here to learn the subtle science and exact art of Po â€" ARGH!"
SPLAT! Snape lay spread-eagled and face down on the floor. He had tripped over his own robes. The class howled with laughter.
"One more sound and I'll forget myself!", Snape snarled from the floor.
***
"Just the man", said Snape. "The very man. A girl has been snatched by the monster, Lockhart. Taken into the Chamber of Secrets itself. Your moment has come at last. But before you go let me ask you one question. Just in case you don't come out there alive and I don't get another chance to ask you â€" could you tell me what brand of shampoo you use for your hair?"
"W-What?"
"The name of your shampoo, NOW!" He pointed threateningly his wand at Lockhart.
"H-Helmsman's Hair Care Potion ..."
"Thank you! You may go."
***
A long black snake shot out of Draco's wand, fell heavily onto the floor and raised itself, ready to strike.
Snape squealed and jumped behind Lockhart.
"D-Do you think it's dangerous?", he whispered, biting his nails in worry.
***
Snape cried: "Expelliarmus!" There was a dazzling flash of scarlet light, Snape flew backwards and smashed into the wall. He had pointed the wrong end of his wand at Lockhart.
***
Colin fumbled for his camera and took a picture of Lockhart and Harry, as the bell rang, signalling the start of afternoon classes. Suddenly Snape came by.
"Well, wanna take a picture of me too?" Snape asked Colin, flashing a big, toothy smile.
"No, thank you, Sir. The bell just rang. I have to go to my class."
"You stupid, conceited prat!", Snape shouted, stamping his foot. "Who do you think you are!"
And added with a pout, staring after Colin: "Just why doesn't anyone like me...?"
***
INVISIBILITY CLOAK FIRST TRY:
Lupin was lowering his wand. Next moment, he had walked over to Black and embraced him like a brother.
"I DON'T BELIEVE IT!", Hermione screamed.
"That's right", sneered a cold voice from behind them. Severus Snape was pulling off the Invisibility Cloak.
"Oh â€" sorry guys!", he said apologetically. "Didn't want to spoil that really touching moment of the display of your mutual affection. I'll come back later, shall I?" He retreated discreetly behind the door.
***
There was a small pop and Trevor the tadpole was wriggling in Snape's palm. It slipped through his fingers and fell right into the Shrinking Solution beneath. "Ooops!", said Snape.
"TREVOR!" Neville burst into tears. "We'll never find him again in there!", he wailed.
"There, there, boy! Take a tissue. I'll buy you a new toad, alright? Just stop the crying. I can't bear it when people are weeping in my presence..." Snape whined, his own eyes brimming with tears at the sight of the unhappy Neville.
***
"Today we shall discuss â€" werewolves", said Snape. "You will all turn to page three hundred and ninety-four. Now!" Then he added with an excited expression: "By the way, what I wanted to ask you â€" did that vulture hat suit me?"
***
"Orange, Longbottom", said Snape. "Orange. Tell me, boy, just HOW did you do that?? I've never figured out how to make it turn orange." He pointed excitedly at the instructions for the Shrinking Solution in his book where it stated clearly that the Potion should turn a bright orange. "Mine always turns green ..." he muttered with a pout.
***
INVISIBILITY CLOAK SECOND TRY:
"So that's why Snape doesn't like you", said Harry slowly, "because he thought you were in on the joke?"
"That's right", sneered a cold voice from behind them. Severus Snape was pulling off the Invisibility Cloak, throwing a poisonous look at Lupin. "I'll never forgive him that he ripped up my teddy bear in this shack in 1971!"
***
"Severus", said Dumbledore, "you know what I must ask you to do. If you are ready ... if you are prepared ..."
"NOOOO ...!!!" Snape howled. Like a maniac he jumped at Dumbledore, seized him at the front of his robes and shook him like mad. "I don't want to stamp the letters for the members of the Old Crowd!!", he shrieked. "Give me a proper task!"
"Well, alright, Severus, alright", Dumbledore choked terrified. "You can turn spy again if you absolutely want to."
"THANK YOU, HEADMASTER!", cried Snape, kissing Dumbledore's feet.
***
"...don't see what there is to fuss about, Igor. The Mark is getting clearer, all very well. But, you know, you should distract yourself from this a bit. How about dancing for example? Just the two of us ... we could go into the Great â€"" he stopped at the sight of Karkaroff who was gaping at him open-mouthed, his eyes wide with horror. "Oh, well, then not ..." Snape said sulkily.
***
"... but unless you watch your step, Potter , you might just find that my hand sli â€" WHAAA!" He dropped the bottle with Veritaserum and the glass broke while the contents splashed right into Snape's face. He couldn't help swallowing some of it.
"... ah, Potter, know what? That last night with Trelawney â€" she said I actually look SEXY in leather pants ..."
Harry gaped.
***
"Harry Potter's Secret Heartache. A boy like no other perhaps ......... Harry Potter's well-whishers must hope that, next time, he bestows his heart upon a worthier candidate ... Oh, Harry ... that ... that is so saaaad!", Snape blubbered and pulled the horrified Harry into a tight hug.
***
"Be warned Potter. If you make one more night-time stroll into my office and cause me so much trouble again...", Snape began threateningly.
"Trouble?" Harry asked in astonishment.
"Well, I had to change the password of the door afterwards, didn't I?", said Snape with a reproachful look.