Letter to my young self:
Dear Me,
Hello, Old me. I'm from the future. Totally. Nah, I'm just an Older version of you. I'm not sure, but just don't become fully like me. Just know, life isn't easy.. You're going to get hurt worse than what you've experienced on Conquer Online with your Virtual Family. You thought life on there was hard? Let me tell you the way you wished your own death on that life for your 'friend's sympathy' was pretty easy. But no one cares. You'd really want to disappear for good in Actual Reality. After Elementary you start feeling, what they call, Depression. You're not depressed. You're just starting to feel more insecure especially transitioning from a lonely life in Elementary and seeing the real side of your bullshit parents. 7th grade becomes a bit easier you find friends and everything is all smooth until everything goes to hell. Your Aunt that you always hated, a sensitive b***h, you just begin hate her even more. She makes you live with her and your parents really stop giving a sh*t about you. They always just yell at you over non-sense. Now your Aunt, humiliates you everyday and makes you feel like shit after Winter has just begun in that year. You begin to open your eyes to the cruel world again. This time it's different from what you experienced in your early childhood. You think you were lonely then? Well look what happen now. It just gets worse every year. It doesn't mean there's no light, you'll find it eventually. Everyday the abuse gets worse it's mostly verbal abuse by all your family members so you full out just lose it. You pick up that sharp unsanitary needle and carve "Sorry" onto your soft fleshy un-scarred arm. You even doodle with the bloody needle ":)" on your wrist and around your arm every night before you sleep. You can't even sleep without the thought of getting yelled at for the slightest of things. You just cry your eyes out trying to sleep. You'd always wake up with puffy red eyes. And Every time the scar starts to form a scab you just scrape the wound open again. Why, you ask? You just wanted to look at your arm and remind yourself you're still happy no matter the pain. No one understood that. Neither did they care for you. They thought it was harmful. It wasn't. You just wanted to be a happy little girl again. Everyone just constantly reminded you
"You're not a little girl anymore."
That's what pained you the most. You thought you were still the daughter and niece they still loved. Trust me there was no love. No love at all. Not even now. Your mom still says to this day, "I regret having you. You're worthless. Why won't you die already?" and many other painful words. How could a mother say that? I wonder too sometimes. Then again, there might be way worse life stories for other people. If only I could go back in time and fix everything. Like not trusting anyone, talking to your 'friend' about your problems, focusing in school, avoid your family, and etc. Oh well here I am now. I'm not saying there's not going to be even worse in the future, heck I'm already in highschool, struggling with grades, and the same bullshit problems with family. Even a 'friend' problem but that shit is in the past now. Anyways, you found your light now and he is your first and true love. He makes you happy. He understands you no matter how much you may annoy him. He's always is there for you forever. So if I was there to meet you little Me, I'd pat your shoulder and give you a tight hug because you'll need it. All you need is "Everything is going to be okay and keep fighting." Stay the Quirky and sweet, Little One, while it last~!