10 Way To Overcoming Insomnia
A Tala Ivanov Parody
Tala hated it when he would get into beer drinking party with Bryan and the others. It was always too damn noisy for him, and not to mention he would get these awful hangovers where he would scream at his cat for purring so loudly, or when Mr. and Mrs. Tyson and Hilary Granger would be having sex so loudly it was spinning his head around like what was going on now.
"TYSON! STOP HAVING SEX!" Tala screamed loudly almost waking up the whole apartment level.
"Fuck you Tala!" Tyson yelled through the wall sounding muffled by something he and Hilary liked to do in bed . . . which involved hand-cuffs and a Carly Rae Jepson song; Call Me Maybe . . . and a random Cheese Grater.
Perfect. It's nine o' clock, dark out, the rapists are about to be playing with Ming-Ming, and Tala usually falls asleep before Ming-Ming would scream for a fake help. This was the longest Hangover he had ever faced, and managed to get rid of it after taking a nice warm shower.
Nothing worked. It was ten o' clock, Tyson and Hilary are still having sex, at which Tyson's head is being banged against the wall.
That's it! Tala thought. Getting up, not even bothering to put on his pants, only walking out in his black workout shorts and muscle shirt, showing his easy toned abs, and walked down the hall next door; banging on the door perfused; "this is the Concierge, I hereby give you this time to vacate the premises due to your unpaid rent!"
When Tala put his ear to the door, the sex stopped and was replaced by an angry Hilary; "I told you to pay your rent, Tyson!" she said angrily, and a random sound of a whip cracked as Tyson screamed like Ming-Ming getting raped.
Good one Tala! He said to himself.
Still no use! Midnight, and it was dead quiet, Tala could only hear himself. So he had it; he pulled out his laptop from his dresser, and Googled way to overcome his sleeping condition. "Perfect!" he said as he hit print.
Way number 1 – Hot Shower
Tala turned on the hot water and saw the steam rise from the falling shower head, and it was just right. And so he stripped off from his shorts and shirt and underpants as he was fully naked, getting a face cloth and a fresh towel ready, and peeing in the toilet for a couple of seconds, he got in.
"AHH! Too Hot!" he screamed as he forgot the cold water nob. "Better." He muttered.
After drying himself off, he went to bed and turned off the light, and closed his eyes. He let himself drift back and forth in his tiredness . . . Tala Grunts.
FAILED
Way number 2 – Warm Milk, Chocolate Chipped Cookies, and Jewelry Box Music.
After pulling out his homemade Chocolate Chipped Cookies, and rested the tray on the counter top, and taking off the over-boiling milk as it started to smell funky. Great. He can't cook now, and usually he holds a charity benefit when he would cook.
Putting the Cookies in a plate and pouring the milk in a coffee cup, then walking to his bedroom and laying them on the night-stand, Going back to the kitchen and turning off everything, and returning to a nice warm bed. Getting under the covers, he took the sheet of paper and scribbled out number one. Then opening his Jewelry box, which he brought himself because of a night out drinking one time, and began to drink his milk and eat his cookies.
Finishing his cookies and hot milk, Tala ran to the bathroom and began puking in the toilet due to the over expired milk he had since January.
FAILED . . . again.
Way number 3 – Reading a Good Book
Tala was busy reading Fanfiction on his Cell-phone. "Beywheelz; the new Generation"
"Fuck this sucks." Tala said out loud, "What ever happened to the original Beyblade?"
"As Ginga and Kenta hold hands in a supreme battle, they used their force as the little beyblades clashed Kyoya's bey, and together they won a bountiful Victory. Then Kyoya walked up to Ginga and gave him a big wet and squishy kiss- What the fuck?" Tala cursed as he looked at the text with wide eyes.
The disturbing Fanfic was horrifying, and yet he lay in bed with wide eyes and fingers crossed over his stomach as he lay on his back. He shivered at the thought of Ginga and Kyoya.
FAILED . . . EPICALLY!
Way number 4 – Late Night Exercise
Tala put on his dark blue track pants and another black muscle shirt, and a hoody, then walked out the door as he pushed play on his Mp3. "Given Up" by Linkin Park was blaring as he jogged down the street, and coming around the street lights as he came by Ray and Mariah's house. Mariah was undressing herself in front of the big window, her perfect boobs hanging down from her night gown-
SLAM!
Tala face palmed into a light pole as the light flickered, the cold metal seemed to have laughed in his state.
After crawling back to his apartment building, and fleeing from a random ambulance that was chasing him, he was in pain as his face was flaring up from the crash. He took off his pants and back into his shorts and muscle shirt, and back under the covers.
FAILED . . . Like a pro. Lol
Way number 5 – Sleeping with Music on
Tala spent five minutes setting up a playlist of his favorite songs, and finalizing it with I'm Sexy And I Know It. Getting his big headphones and plugging it into his laptop, and hitting play as the first sing was playing; Pit bull's "Shake Senora" and lay back down in bed as he was later landed on his nineteenth song.
Tala shut his music off and closed his laptop and scribbled frantically at the numbers.
FAILED Once More
Way number 6 – Counting Sheep
Tala lay in his bed counting with his eyes closed; "One . . . Two . . . Three." This felt like it was dragging on forever, "Four-hundred nine . . . Fifty hundred." When will i fall asleep? He thought.
"Nine hundred and ninety eight . . . Nine hundred and ninety nine . . . Aaaagggghhhhh!"
FAILED
Way number 7 – Facebook
Scrolling around Tyson's Facebook profile, and seeing that his last up-date was; "Got kicked out of my apartment, fuck you Barthez for kicking me out my house! Jealous I won the Beyblade Championships?!"
Tala scrolled down to Tyson's comments as there was five and began to fill up;
Max Tate; It's alright dude, you can come stay at my place tonight! 45 minutes ago
Tyson Granger; Great! Thanks buddy! Can Hilary come stay too? 44 minutes ago
Max Tate; Umm . . . 42 minutes ago
Tyson Granger; "Umm" what? 42 minutes ago
Max Tate; Hilary's mean to me. She called me a diabetic. 38 minutes ago
Hilary Granger Tachibana; Because you eat a lot of sugar shit every day. Oh Tyson, me and Mariah are going to be having a late night slumber party at her place. Oh and I think I saw Tala face plant onto the Telephone pole when we were playing strip poker in her bedroom with Ray. 30 minutes ago
Tyson Granger; What the hell was he doing there? 27 minutes ago
Mariah Wong; I think he was out for a late night jog or something, until I lost therefore taking off my bra and seeing him hit the pole. So I called the ambulance to see if he was alright! 24 minutes ago
Tyson Granger; OMG! 12 minutes ago
Mariah Wong; I know, he looked like he knocked himself out for a bit. 9 minutes ago
Tyson Granger; Nah man! I was talkin about you taking off your bra. Lol. Can you send or post the boobs on my profile? 4 minutes ago
Hilary Granger Tachibana; TYSON GRANGER! 2 minutes ago
Tala Ivanov; Hmm-mm, I'd like to play with your soft mooshy pillows! Just Now
Mariah Wong; EWW! PERVERT! Just Now
Hilary Granger Tachibana; lol. Just Now
Tala laughed. Logging off his Facebook and trying to sleep. But to his dismay, "Awww Come on!"
Tala Ivanov; FAILED! Just Now
Way number 8 – Masturbation
Tala looked at the clock and it was four in the morning. He was tossing and turning and his crotch was being rubbed under the blankets in a most pleasurable way. It felt good all of a sudden, and so he turned to his back and turned on his TV to channel 745 on his BellExpressView and pulled down his shorts and boxers and began to stroke himself down there and then reached for his pants belt and wrapped it around his neck and pulled tightly and was trying his best to follow what the woman was doing to her man on TV.
Tala's face was flinching and twitching in the most erotic pleasure. It was gooooooooood. "FUCK YEAH!"
Then a few minutes passed and then he was pulling his belt tightly and he was close to strangulation as he managed to Jizz all over the TV set and pulled off the belt before it left a mark which would be mistaken for a suicide attempt the next day . . . that's if he fell asleep.
With his erectile needs out of the way, Tala turned off the light and set himself neatly in his bed and sighed. He was ready for sleep . . . then; he let out a grumble.
FAILED For Sure
Way number 9 – Sleeping Pills
After a late night jog to the Pharmacy. Tala came back with a bottle of sleeping pills and undressed himself into his slumber clothes once more; Dark blue Workout shorts and a black muscle shirt, and took at least two tablets for fast affective relief.
Washing it down with water and getting back into bed, he was ready once more. Slipping back under the covers and turning off the light, Tala let out a big sigh as he was waiting for the pills to kick in. about half an hour later, nothing worked. Tala was so frustraighted; he let out a loud shout of desperation; "GAAHHHH!"
Don't even get me started. FAILED!
Way number 10 – The Plastic Bag Solution
Tala's eyes were burning red for the desperation of sleep, and his mind was going absolute bonkers, he was so desperate he's walked to his closet and found himself a dry-cleaners plastic bag, and brown packaging tape. Walking back to his bed as he pulled open his laptop and put on his head phones to the Linkin Park song; "Given Up" and putting it on repeat
Putting the bag over his head and twisting it behind his neck to insure suffocation as he opened the packaging tape, sealing the bag tightly as he wrapped the tape three times and turned off the light, lay in his bed, resting his head on the pillow, and breathing rather slowly. Music blaring through his mind, breathing began to fasten as he soon fell unconscious.
SUCCESS!
The Next Morning
Kai pulled the welcome mat aside as the spare key was under there. Unlocking the door as he walked through the door with the smell of burnt milk and the smell of semen, and the mix of perfectly baked cookies came to him. Looking around the house as it seemed a little bit messy. But the smell smelt like Tala was having an all-nighters sex party.
"Tala?" Kai called.
No response.
Walking to his room as he seen his impression of his feet in his bed and hands placed on top of the chest like a deceased person, and then seeing his head encased inside of a plastic bag that was closed off with packaging tape, and no sign of life.
Kai ran and jumped on the bed to Tala's side as he tried to pull the bag off, but instead he ripped it and tried to give CPR, but it was way too late.
He finally did it! Kai thought, he finally snapped and killed himself before the world would end!
"Shit!" Tala screamed, "All I wanted was a fucking good-night sleep!" he cursed. Not knowing he was wearing white shorts and a white muscle shirt. He didn't know he was at Heavens Gate.
"TALA IVANOV!" Said a huge godly voice, "I . . . AM GOD!"
Tala looked around the white environment, "What the Fuck?" he said.
All of a sudden, a guy in a big white robe with a freakishly large beard appeared; "SUCH PROFANITY! YOU ARE NOT WELCOME IN MY HEAVEN!" Said the hippy.
"Jesus Christ, I just said; what the fuck? Because I'm a little shocked at my surroundings!" Tala said.
"I SHALT DIVERT YOU TO HELL!"
Lightning flashed as the surroundings turned; "What!?" Tala said disbelieved, "But I don't wanna go to Hell!"
"TALA IVANOV! WELCOME TO HELL!" Said another huge, yet devilish voice.
Tala looked behind him as a random Golden Fiddle lay on the ground, and Santa-I mean-Satan had himself a band of Demons with guitars and drums as the Devil jumped on a Hickory stump. "What the fuck do you want me to do with this?" he said panicky, not knowing how to play the fiddle.
"SINCE JOHNNY BEAT ME TWICE, AND WHICH MADE TWO SONGS ABOUT ME BY JOHNNY CASH AND CHARLIE DANIELS BAND, YOU PLAY AND SEE IF YOU CAN BEAT ME! Pussy." Satan teased.
Tala looked at Satan in the eye. Taking it into offence; "Oh it's on Bitch!"
Waking up, Tala realized he was in the hospital with an IV sticking out from his wrist, and not to mention his head hurt like hell. Oh thank god! I actually fell asleep! Tala though.
The doctor was already looking at him; "How did I get here?" Tala asked.
Doctor Hashimoto looked at him as he said; "Well Mr. Ivanov, you were out jogging last night, and you somehow hit your head so hard you knocked yourself out and then we brought you in here."
Tala nodded to the doctor and laid his head back down, "Oh." He sighed. "I had a dream I killed myself and had an epic fiddle stand-off with the Devil." He explained, reaching down his pocket as he pulled out his list of was to overcome Insomnia, and so far, all the ten numbers were checked off. What the fuck?
A/N; how was that? Corny? Sorry, I could've done better than this, but I was bored after listening to my cousin complain about his own problems with Insomnia, and so I got bored and got to work. Lol.
To those who are reading this and are actually having Insomnia problems at the moment, please do not try Way number 10. Seriously don't, but I highly suggest number 7 and most extremely suggest number 8. Lol, believe me, it really helps.
Toodlez!
Tyson Kinomiya Granger