It all happened so fast. He wishes he could erase those images from his mind just as rapidly. They're still so vivid, pounding away on his head, haunting him. The murmur of her last breath, her skin turning cold underneath his fingertips. He can pinpoint the exact moment her heart stopped beating. Allison. The mere thought of her wraps a cold fist of despair around his heart. The act of breathing proves to be agonizing now, because he knows she will never breathe the same air again.
Sometimes he thinks it should've been him. He says so to his mother one night, how he wishes he was dead instead of her. Oh, honey. Then she would be the one in pain and wishing she had taken your place. That is all Melissa says, wiping away at his tears. Another day he asks his best friend, had he been a different kind of alpha, would she still be alive? Were you a different kind of alpha you would've killed me from the start and saved-. Before Stiles even finishes that sentence he is being crushed by a hug, Scott fiercely whispering, never, into his neck.
His emotions shame him. At times he can't help but feel guilty. His growing feelings for Kira feel like a betrayal to Allison's memory. It feels wrong to move on knowing she will never get that chance. While waiting for Kira before a date Lydia tentatively holds his hands between hers. She loved you, and nothing would make her happier than seeing you live again. She squeezes his hands, and for the first time in weeks the noose around his heart seems to loosen. There's been a shift between them, and he knows she's felt it too. As if unable to hold his gaze Lydia quickly lets go of his hands. She walks away after that, a sad smile painted on her face. If there is someone who understands the sorrow eating at him is her. There's a chasm in his soul, and he's pretty sure Lydia's is a mirror image of his own.
He fears for them, his friends, his pack. They can be taken away from him just as fast. The sound of steel slicing through flesh and the smell or blood haunt him anytime he closes his eyes. Some nights are impossible to go through. One too many mornings Melissa has found him sitting on the floor, bed untouched. Maybe you should check on them, it could make you feel better. So he follows his mother's advice and makes it his job to check on them every night. For his own reassurance, to make sure they're all okay. It's not like he has something better to do anyways.
He starts his nights with Stiles. He climbs through the other boy's window; a routine so normal and innocent before, it would bring a smile to Stiles' face. Now? It takes nearly ten minutes to calm his friend down. He grabs Stiles by the shoulders, and tells him to breathe. It's me, Scott. He murmurs everything is fine, and that he only wanted to say goodnight. The sheriff finds him tucking Stiles in. Scott can see in his eyes a father mourning for a son that was, a Stiles that will never be the same.
After leaving the Stilinski household he drops by at Kira's. He almost envies the peacefulness with which she rests. Less than a year ago that was him; so new to the supernatural. When he had less threats dangling over his shoulders and not many things to worry about; still learning, and adjusting to his new life. He thinks it's a good thing her parents are aware of the beacon of chaos that's this town. They can help endure the oncoming dangers. Maybe that will make her journey less painful. He can only hope.
Some nights he even checks on Malia. After all, she's a new addition to his pack. He approaches her window as stealthily as he can only to find her already standing there, looking him in the eye. You spend so many years in the wild, watching your back, sleep becomes a commodity you can't afford. He tells her she's safe now, to try to achieve some normalcy. The werecoyote laughs bitterly at that and he realizes his mistake. They will never be normal again. As he exits her room he nods and says it's about time to make introductions. When Derek steps out of the shadows he almost looks sheepish. On the nights Scott stops by after that many of them feature midnight lessons from Derek and himself to Malia.
When he makes his last stop for the night he falters. Although he knows he and Lydia have grown closer, there's always an underlying layer of shyness between them. Which is why when he stops by her house he only stands by her window and lets her breathing lull him into a calm state. It always happens like this; until one night it doesn't. This night her breathing turns erratic, and the next thing he knows she's starts crying in her sleep. The speed with which he climbs to her window surprises him; what surprises him more though, is the sudden urge to be next to Lydia, to hold her and make sure she's okay. When he knocks the glass Lydia opens her eyes she's a bit disoriented. Her hair is in disarray and she is swallowing down the screams he chased away by waking her up. Moments later when they're both sitting on the floor, shoulders touching and hands intertwined, Lydia whispers. I can't let her go. And he tells her he knows, that he understands. Her bottom lip trembles as she struggles to keep her tears in. You're the only one that knows what I'm going through. You're all I have left of her, Scott. The tears finally spill and Lydia breaks down. When he timidly puts his arms around her, he expects her to pull away, but all she does is hold onto him tighter. He holds her through her sobs until they stop, and neither one of them says a word. When she finally pulls away she sees the silent tears streaming down his face. He does his best to hold it all in and fails. She wipes his tears away with her lips, and wherever they touch feels like they leave a trail of scorching fire over his skin. She then climbs into his lap and burrows in his chest with her cheek over his heart, and he almost wants to cry with relief. For the first time in months he allows himself to grieve. Where he doesn't have his mom worrying over him, where he doesn't have Stiles watching him with guilty eyes, where he doesn't have Kira telling him how sorry she is for his loss. They don't know, none of them know how he feels except for Lydia.
He wakes up the next morning with Lydia in his arms, her mom watching them from the doorway. She doesn't say anything as she leaves the room. They sort of develop a system after that. He makes sure drop by Lydia's every night and keep her company. He holds her until she falls asleep and then he goes back home. On the nights he can't make it to her house, due to lacrosse practice or the alpha business of the week, he comes home to find her asleep on his bed. The first time it happened she had a picture of him and Allison gripped between her fingers, it took all of his willpower not to start crying then. He pried the picture from her fingers and put it next to the bed before throwing his arm around her and pressing his lips to her hair. They don't really talk about it out loud, but he knows the feelings are there. Things have changed between them. There's new hope blooming in his soul, and he's pretty sure Lydia's is a mirror image of his own...
A/N: Inspired by this feels inducing post I made a few days ago. post/90724902636/i-have-this-headcanon
I feel like the show could've handled the situation better. I wanted to see my babies grieve, mainly Scott and Lydia because they were the ones closer to Allison.