!!!Kain and The Nightmare from Next Door!!!
By Thraxenel
..................................
Kain: Greetings fellow fanfic-writers (And readers, of course)! This is Kain speaking and I command you to read my fanfic!
Raziel: Your fanfic stinks.
Kain: Quiet, you jawless freak.
Raziel: It's true. *Looks at camera* I mean really, Kain stinks in comedy.
Kain: *Raises Reaver* Didn't I tell you to shut up?
Raziel: Didn't hear it.
Kain: That's it! RAGGHHHH!
The collide and start rolling and grappling on the ground.
Thraxenel: (Sighs and shakes head looking at them) Forgive me for this childish display. But Raziel meant quite well. KAIN WROTE THIS, not me. He stinks in comedy, plus he's just finished playing 'LoK: Defiance' only. He left out most of the other games.
Raziel: See! See! Even Thrax admits your comedy stinks!
Kain: Shut up and let your Reaver do the talking!
Thraxenel: Kain stinks in comedy as much as I do. So please don't blame him if it ain't funny. Also, feel free to drop a review or two. You see, he's just finished reading a few of the 'humor' genres of this website and longs to write one to make people laugh-
Kain: AND DIE LAUGHING!!! HAW! HAW!
Thraxenel:- He doesn't really care to detail the other characters in. Well, Turel and Varador may turn up somewhere or two. Some of these may get you laughing your head or and some will leave you with the annoying 'Are you trying to tell me something?' look.
Raziel: I'll be expecting a lot of that.
Kain: *Whacks him stunned with a TK blast*
Thraxenel: (Sighs and walks away) I can't believe I get paid for this.
* This is a jumble lot of stupid stuff happening to our favourite Vampires, but most of the time you'll see poor Kain struggling to survive the worst possible challenge he'd ever been given: his goblin niece, Darla.
*Darla Scene 1*
Kain is sitting on his throne, reading a piece of paper. He was minding his own business when suddenly someone surprises him from behind.
Servant vamp: SIR!!
Kain: GAHH! (Clutches his heart) Oh god.I just have to get used to living without a heart these days..
Servant vamp: Sir! I have urgent news!
Kain: What is it, Rutbah?
Servant Vamp: *Hands Kain a letter*
Raziel: It bears the seal of the Northern Territories of Nosgoth.
Kain: *Reads and suddenly chokes like someone with a heart attack.* GAHH- ARGHAAA!!!
Raziel: Great, he's being dramatic again. What is it this time?
Kain: D-D-D-DARLA!
Raziel: *Eyes widening* What!?
Kain: She's coming-
Servant Vamp: She's already here, my lord.
Kain/ Raziel: WHAT!!?
A voice sounds from afar, echoing terror thorough Kain's throne room.
*Physco music starts*
Darla: UNCLE KAIN!!!
Raziel: I'm off.
Kain: *Grabs his scarf to prevent him from escaping*
Kain: We're getting through this together.
Raziel: Hah! Last time we teamed up I ended up in your sword!
Kain: Will you forget-
Darla rushes up towards him and clings around his neck, pulling him and Raziel down to drown in her hysterical screaming and laughing.
Darla: UNCLE KAIN! UNCLE KAIN!
Kain: I'm going to die.
Darla: Let's play! Let's play!
Kain: Why don't you play with Raziel first?
Raziel: Me!?
Kain: Yes you!
Raziel: Why me???
Kain: Because you're younger and are more adolescent than I am.
Raziel: That's not a reaso-
Darla: I WANNA PLAYYYYYY!!!!!
Raziel: All right! All right! What game do you wanna play first?
Darla: Shoot-the-wraith.
Raziel: What?
Darla: I invented it by myself.
Raziel: How exactly do you play it?
Darla: Well- first you get two players. That's me and you. Then we decide who runs and who chases.
Kain: (To Raziel) It's like tag, you moron. Children are always inventing new names for the same old game.
Darla: Oh no, Uncle Kain. It's not like tag at all. I added something new.
Raziel: (Folds arms) Like what?
Darla pulls out a hyperdrive bazooka.
Raziel/ Kain: *Pupils delated*
Darla: Alright, those are the rules! Are you ready?
Raziel: DARLA-WAIT!
BOOOMMM!
Darla: Tag, you're it!
Raziel: (Charred) *Opens scarf around the mouth and blows out ash*
Kain: You're on your own, kid.
*
*Outtakes: Kain and Moebius Scene.*
It was near the end of Legacy of Kain: Defiance. Kain stabs Moebius and pulls him close so the reaver sank in deeper into his foul flesh. Moebius gasps and clings to Kain to stop himself from falling. (Notice that I used the word 'cling')
Moebius: You think this will matter?
Moebius puts his hands around Kain's waist and clings harder, looking deeper into his yellow eyes. Kain starts to sweat and swallows.
Moebius: I was the Elder God's most faithful servant, and you will pay! Any last words!?
Kain: Are you gay?
*Outtakes: Raziel scene.*
Raziel is swimming underwater and then activates his Earth Reaver (Which makes him heavy underwater so he can walk around). As he decends, large bubbles blew out behind him.
Raziel: (Takes a watery sniff) Ergh. I don't remember eating that.
*Darla Scene 2*
Kain is busying writing something on his work table with his favourite dove, Brunhild sitting on his head. (Gees, since when did Kain get a dove?)
Meanwhile in the background:
Raziel: (Running) No! Don't you-
BOOM!!
Darla: Asta la vista, baby!
Another explosion; a column drops and falls with a deafening crash. Kain still doesn't look up.
Raziel: (Digging his claws into the floor as Darla drags him by the cloak) NO! NO! MERCY!
Darla: (Pulls him up and jumps on his shoulder) WHEE!
Raziel: NOO!
CRASH. Another column down.
Brunhild: Cooo.
Kain: (Puts his face into his claws) Yes, yes I know! Can't you see I'm trying to ignore it!?
Crash. Two more columns fall.
Kain: (Drops his head and sobs loudly in his arms)
*Outtakes: Raziel and Varador scene.*
Raziel had opened the door to the garden crypt and prepares to meet Varador inside. He enters the room and found Varador sitting with a large rag doll. He appears to be crooning to it.
Raziel: Varador?
Varador: (Talking to rag doll) I know this must be hard for you to bear this burden, my love- but it is true. I cannot deny it as much as I cannot deny my love for you. Doll: *Stares blankly at him*
Varador: Now don't you give me that look! I know it's hard, but you must be brave.
Raziel: (Folds arms) Varador????
Varador: (Takes the hand of the doll and kisses it) Don't cry, my love. Be brave. Please. For me.
Raziel: (Shakes head) This is so cliché.
Kain: Greetings fellow fanfic-writers (And readers, of course)! This is Kain speaking and I command you to read my fanfic!
Raziel: Your fanfic stinks.
Kain: Quiet, you jawless freak.
Raziel: It's true. *Looks at camera* I mean really, Kain stinks in comedy.
Kain: *Raises Reaver* Didn't I tell you to shut up?
Raziel: Didn't hear it.
Kain: That's it! RAGGHHHH!
The collide and start rolling and grappling on the ground.
Thraxenel: (Sighs and shakes head looking at them) Forgive me for this childish display. But Raziel meant quite well. KAIN WROTE THIS, not me. He stinks in comedy, plus he's just finished playing 'LoK: Defiance' only. He left out most of the other games.
Raziel: See! See! Even Thrax admits your comedy stinks!
Kain: Shut up and let your Reaver do the talking!
Thraxenel: Kain stinks in comedy as much as I do. So please don't blame him if it ain't funny. Also, feel free to drop a review or two. You see, he's just finished reading a few of the 'humor' genres of this website and longs to write one to make people laugh-
Kain: AND DIE LAUGHING!!! HAW! HAW!
Thraxenel:- He doesn't really care to detail the other characters in. Well, Turel and Varador may turn up somewhere or two. Some of these may get you laughing your head or and some will leave you with the annoying 'Are you trying to tell me something?' look.
Raziel: I'll be expecting a lot of that.
Kain: *Whacks him stunned with a TK blast*
Thraxenel: (Sighs and walks away) I can't believe I get paid for this.
* This is a jumble lot of stupid stuff happening to our favourite Vampires, but most of the time you'll see poor Kain struggling to survive the worst possible challenge he'd ever been given: his goblin niece, Darla.
*Darla Scene 1*
Kain is sitting on his throne, reading a piece of paper. He was minding his own business when suddenly someone surprises him from behind.
Servant vamp: SIR!!
Kain: GAHH! (Clutches his heart) Oh god.I just have to get used to living without a heart these days..
Servant vamp: Sir! I have urgent news!
Kain: What is it, Rutbah?
Servant Vamp: *Hands Kain a letter*
Raziel: It bears the seal of the Northern Territories of Nosgoth.
Kain: *Reads and suddenly chokes like someone with a heart attack.* GAHH- ARGHAAA!!!
Raziel: Great, he's being dramatic again. What is it this time?
Kain: D-D-D-DARLA!
Raziel: *Eyes widening* What!?
Kain: She's coming-
Servant Vamp: She's already here, my lord.
Kain/ Raziel: WHAT!!?
A voice sounds from afar, echoing terror thorough Kain's throne room.
*Physco music starts*
Darla: UNCLE KAIN!!!
Raziel: I'm off.
Kain: *Grabs his scarf to prevent him from escaping*
Kain: We're getting through this together.
Raziel: Hah! Last time we teamed up I ended up in your sword!
Kain: Will you forget-
Darla rushes up towards him and clings around his neck, pulling him and Raziel down to drown in her hysterical screaming and laughing.
Darla: UNCLE KAIN! UNCLE KAIN!
Kain: I'm going to die.
Darla: Let's play! Let's play!
Kain: Why don't you play with Raziel first?
Raziel: Me!?
Kain: Yes you!
Raziel: Why me???
Kain: Because you're younger and are more adolescent than I am.
Raziel: That's not a reaso-
Darla: I WANNA PLAYYYYYY!!!!!
Raziel: All right! All right! What game do you wanna play first?
Darla: Shoot-the-wraith.
Raziel: What?
Darla: I invented it by myself.
Raziel: How exactly do you play it?
Darla: Well- first you get two players. That's me and you. Then we decide who runs and who chases.
Kain: (To Raziel) It's like tag, you moron. Children are always inventing new names for the same old game.
Darla: Oh no, Uncle Kain. It's not like tag at all. I added something new.
Raziel: (Folds arms) Like what?
Darla pulls out a hyperdrive bazooka.
Raziel/ Kain: *Pupils delated*
Darla: Alright, those are the rules! Are you ready?
Raziel: DARLA-WAIT!
BOOOMMM!
Darla: Tag, you're it!
Raziel: (Charred) *Opens scarf around the mouth and blows out ash*
Kain: You're on your own, kid.
*
*Outtakes: Kain and Moebius Scene.*
It was near the end of Legacy of Kain: Defiance. Kain stabs Moebius and pulls him close so the reaver sank in deeper into his foul flesh. Moebius gasps and clings to Kain to stop himself from falling. (Notice that I used the word 'cling')
Moebius: You think this will matter?
Moebius puts his hands around Kain's waist and clings harder, looking deeper into his yellow eyes. Kain starts to sweat and swallows.
Moebius: I was the Elder God's most faithful servant, and you will pay! Any last words!?
Kain: Are you gay?
*Outtakes: Raziel scene.*
Raziel is swimming underwater and then activates his Earth Reaver (Which makes him heavy underwater so he can walk around). As he decends, large bubbles blew out behind him.
Raziel: (Takes a watery sniff) Ergh. I don't remember eating that.
*Darla Scene 2*
Kain is busying writing something on his work table with his favourite dove, Brunhild sitting on his head. (Gees, since when did Kain get a dove?)
Meanwhile in the background:
Raziel: (Running) No! Don't you-
BOOM!!
Darla: Asta la vista, baby!
Another explosion; a column drops and falls with a deafening crash. Kain still doesn't look up.
Raziel: (Digging his claws into the floor as Darla drags him by the cloak) NO! NO! MERCY!
Darla: (Pulls him up and jumps on his shoulder) WHEE!
Raziel: NOO!
CRASH. Another column down.
Brunhild: Cooo.
Kain: (Puts his face into his claws) Yes, yes I know! Can't you see I'm trying to ignore it!?
Crash. Two more columns fall.
Kain: (Drops his head and sobs loudly in his arms)
*Outtakes: Raziel and Varador scene.*
Raziel had opened the door to the garden crypt and prepares to meet Varador inside. He enters the room and found Varador sitting with a large rag doll. He appears to be crooning to it.
Raziel: Varador?
Varador: (Talking to rag doll) I know this must be hard for you to bear this burden, my love- but it is true. I cannot deny it as much as I cannot deny my love for you. Doll: *Stares blankly at him*
Varador: Now don't you give me that look! I know it's hard, but you must be brave.
Raziel: (Folds arms) Varador????
Varador: (Takes the hand of the doll and kisses it) Don't cry, my love. Be brave. Please. For me.
Raziel: (Shakes head) This is so cliché.